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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Solution Focused
I stay in the present, I am a Solution-Focused Therapist. What does this mean? When I was in school, I was told I had to define my therapy type because people would ask. I never really wanted to do this, but sure enough when I went for my first interview, I was asked my therapy style. My answer as always been “Do I need to have just one?” I believe in a few different therapy styles which are collaborative, narrative and solution-focused but since I have been doing this for a few years, I have gathered that I am mostly solution-focused because that is my personality!
I am a half glass full kind of gal and can always find the exception in the bunch because there always is. Instead of talking about all the “bad” stuff in your relationship, lets talk about the “good’ stuff. There is of course more bad than good when you come to a therapist’s office but a great way to get people talking about the good stuff is to ask them how they met. Ah, if only we could savor that beginning of our relationship forever. I find that question so refreshing for people and it helps them get to talking on a positive note.
One of the main parts of solution focused therapy is the “miracle question” this is when you ask someone if they fell asleep and a miracle happened over night, what would be the first thing they see? This also gets people talking about positive stuff and trying to make changes. Scaling is a major part and I like to use scales especially with couples so I can engage them on how they are feeling separately but also together. Both of these tools are great for staying positive.
Another part of this great therapy style of mine is staying in the here and now. Why is it that we need to work on the past? My answer to this is “If it is in the past then it should stay there, it if is affecting you now then lets talk about it.” The past is not considered the past if you are still dealing with issues from it, so lets get working on it and push it aside back into the past!
I find this method to be refreshing and necessary to get to the bottom of the issue as quickly as possible because after all, isn’t that the common goal for both of us!
Saying yes to others means saying no to yourself!
I have said this phrase to people for a long time now, when you say yes to others you say no to yourself. So you might be asking, what does this mean. We all, mostly I mean myself have in the past spread myself way too thin and it has got me into trouble. I was a “yes” person and found it really hard to say no to people. Well, maybe it was because I was single or younger but I think I have finally found the balance and have learned to say NO.
I now have a career, a husband and two small children and it has made me realize how much more time I need for myself. I know sounds backwards right? When I was young and single I did not make time for myself but now I am older and wiser and I have learned the hard way that the only way to stay sane in this insane world is to make time for myself, have strong boundaries and still be the best person I can be. In fact, I do believe I am a better person with boundaries because I give where I want too and leave the rest for others.
People pleaser no more, I love people and helping them, hence my profession as a therapist, but I love even more the balance and boundaries that I have developed by learning the hard way “when you say yes to others, you say no to yourself”.
always living and learning
Venting vs Therapy
I have always enjoyed being a therapist because I have the wonderful opportunity of listening and helping individuals with issues that are disrupting to their everyday life. I believe we all need an outlet for expression which leads me to think about the differences between talking in therapy and venting to friends/family.
I recently counseled a couple and when you have 2 people especially 2 angry people you have 2 sides to your story. In the therapy room, I can be a reasonable voice in what seems to be endless he said/she said issues. Therapy is all about using “I” statements, and listening to yourself, your partner and your therapist.
So I want to share my professional opinion about the difference between venting and therapy.
VENTING is usually a one way street of releasing your inner emotions to normally a friend or family member. Naturally you would assume that venting to family and friends is perfect because they care. Actually that could be the problem. People who care for you will either be happy or concerned about you. So their advice would be bias along those lines.
THERAPY: is with a professional who have put in years of schooling and has added degrees to the understanding human behaviors and effective interventions. The only bias therapists have is to see you at your best with problem solving advice and long term solutions.
CONFIDENTIAL
VENTING: Even though you love your friends and family, you know there are just somethings you don’t even want them to know. Plus friends usually involve other to help come up with a solution.
THERAPY: It allows you to open up from deep within your soul and express what’s hiding in the corner. Never feel judged or scared that information will be leaked. A therapist will respect your privacy and keep the conversation one-on-one.
DIAGNOSIS
VENTING: Usually venting allows an individual to let go of the issues inside with the HOPE of finding an answer or comfort from the listener. Most of the time the listener will tell who is venting just what they want to hear.
THERAPY: You will receive professional help for your situation. Therapists are objective. We will tell you the best solution for your issues that you deal with. Since we are not part of your life there is not a concern about tainting the friend relationship.
I felt I had to express my thoughts on this subject because many individuals and skeptics think that “venting” is all you have to do to feel better. While feeling better could be a state that a client might reach, have answers and issues resolved is euphoria for the mind and soul.
Here’s 2014, Now What?
Ok, so we all have a clean slate for 2014 new ideas, new goals, etc so I am wondering how to take this and make myself a better person. This sounds so easy right! Love to think so but cannot always just do therapy on myself. Ever since January 1, I have been trying to be happier and one way that I am working on is me time. I tell people all the time that they need to focus on themselves, well I exercise, eat right and get enough sleep. I also drink more coffee than ever before and as a mom, my stress level is high. I strive to be a great mom and a great wife but why don’t I strive to find peace and relaxation in my own life?
That is the big question that I am going to work on in 2014. I have recently taken a few yoga classes and realize that this might be the way to go. Yesterday, I handed the reins to my husband and took a me day, it was great for them and great for me. I am always striving to do better in business, parenting and being a better partner but somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to be better for myself, well watch out because 2014 is my year and I am going to make it even better for myself!
Let’s ring in the New Year!
So for most of us, the holidays and behind us, the family is either gone or almost gone and it is now time to think about 2014! I am always hopeful about the New Year and want the year to be better than the previous one, but I have decided to have a new twist on resolutions. Instead of trying to make goals for 2014, lets try to focus on the great things that have happened in 2013. Let me go first
1. I started working again after a 5 year break
2. I celebrated 5 years of marriage!
3. My mom beat cancer again for her 3rd time!
and so many more! I always want to be a better person, but not at the expense of making myself feel guilty about something that I haven’t even done yet. Why do we do this to ourselves? Crazy right? So this year, how about we reflect on all the good and forget about how we can make ourselves crazy next year!
Let me hear about your accomplishments!
Parenting Seminar
On Wednesday evening, I had the opportunity to put on parenting seminar for some people in my community. Please enjoy the recorded video below.
F2F Parenting Seminar Nov 13th, 2013 from Matt Lagrotte on Vimeo.
Rekindling the romance
It was my 5 year anniversary last week and I had the opportunity to spend 2 days alone with my husband and I learned a very interesting thing, I actually love him and even better I like him. I was so scared to go home because I knew that the minute we walked in the house that we would go back into our parenting roles and the stress would resume.
Ha, I was right, we were back for 10 minutes and I felt as if the entire 2 days was zapped out of me. The question that remains is how do you rekindle the romance? I could say date nights? We do those and I am still tired and stressed about the day so trying to unwind while recognizing I might have to get up in the middle of the night just puts a damper on it. Is the only answer going away without the children? I sure hope not, lets find out if anyone else has an idea.
Does anyone have any good ideas on how to rekindle the romance?
How to deal with burnout as a parent?
I am really glad that I waited to write this post today instead of 2 days ago when I was feeling burnt out because I have such a different perspective on what burn out is and how to avoid it. As I said, 2 days ago, it was scary, I had such a busy day with the kids and I was just so tired and no amount of caffeine would help me, and just the thought of waking up the next day and doing it all over again made me feel exhausted. I am sure that everyone feels burn out from parenting whether you are a stay at home parent or working. How do you deal with it and move forward?
1. Find a way to relax: After my busy days, I am usually working more but after I had to use the “B” word (burnout) I realized I needed a break, so I took one. I took a bath by myself, read my book and went to bed!
2. Ask for help: There is no shame and admitted your kids are driving you crazy and you need to relieve yourself of parenting duties. Whether it’s a babysitter, spouse, family member or friend, get help and get it quick. Everyone understands and there is no guilt involved in wanting a break.
3. Plans: I do not know about you, but when I have either date night planned or a vacation planned, I count down the days. Plan something even if its with the kids. On vacation, relax and let someone else take over.
Last but not least, do what I did and take a few days, regroup and realize that you cannot always handle everything and take a step back from your life to realize how great your kids really are!
Parenting Styles
I was at Lion Country Safari with my family today and of course being a therapist, I love to look around and see what everybody else is doing. On one side of me, I had a couple who ordered all fried food for themselves and for their children and on the other side I had a husband and wife order kids meals with fried food. Both families let their children sit by themselves while they sat at a different table. It occurred to me how many different parenting styles there are and if one is better than the other?
I believe that we are role models for our children and what we do they do as well. I try to live a healthy life and reflect that onto my children and wonder if others are thinking how their food choices affect their children’s choices.
I also do not believe in making my children finish their food. If they want dessert, it makes me believe that they have room for more food so I do make them finish in that case, but over feeding a child is just wrong to me and I think it leads to more problems in the future. I overheard a mother say to her child today, “You need to sit on your bottom and finish your food or else I have no problem yanking your pants down and spanking you right here.” Okay, so what is the issue for me here. It is actually the forcing your child to finish your food. I was watching this boy and he was full and he was done. So why was he forced to eat? I am not sure. Now, I am sure she was looking at my children who left half of their food and were up from the table throwing out our food and saying, “Gosh, why isn’t she parenting?
So which is right or wrong? The answer is simple, there is no right or wrong, it is just what you know. I can only hope that we all continue to try to be better people for our children so they have the best example to follow. We only know what we have been taught and we are all doing the best we can, but is that good enough? Should we be doing better?
Let me know your thoughts because I would like feedback on this topic.
Learning from mistakes
It is the Jewish New Year and that means you get to throw out your sins and start anew for this year. If it was only that easy. How do you throw out your mistakes? Better question is how do you learn from your mistakes. How many times have you been pulled over for a speeding ticket? Do you tell yourself that you will not EVER speed again! Ha, how long does that last you, a week a month, a day? So, what is the motivation to not repeat the same mistakes?
If you are married or live with a partner I am sure you are always wondering when your partner will learn from their mistakes. Seriously, how many times can one person do something before it can change. I think the route of change is that the mistake has to be big enough and hurt enough in order to want to change. Take the speeding ticket, okay you had to pay it and it was not fun, but did it affect you for the long run? Does your partner/spouse forgive your mistakes when you say you are sorry and will try to do better? If so, then where is the motivation to change?
I am a believer that people can change, hence I am a therapist and talk to people all the time that want change in their lives. The people that come to therapy seeking change are the ones that do the best in therapy. It is the ones that want others or their environment to change that get stuck in the therapy room. Does not matter how you get to therapy, just matters what you do once you are there. The only person that can change is you and even if your motivation is driven by your spouse or partner, they cannot help you. If you lie and want help to stop lying it resides in you to change.
So, I guess the moral here is that it’s not learning from your mistakes, its learning to change so you stop making mistakes or you fix those mistakes and find new ones to make!
If you have any ideas on how to change or fix your mistakes please leave a comment.