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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
The time out debate
I hear parents talk about discipline all the time whether it’s the spanking debate or the time out debate. I am a big believer in time outs and I of course will tell you why!
In my opinion time out is a way for a parent and a child to reset and start over. If you are like me, I put my child in time out only when she does something that bothers me. Hence when I am bothered by my child, I need a time out. As parents this great intervention was given to us to be able to take a break, take a deep breathe and be able to calmly parent again.
Time outs need to be seen as an advantage to reset the behavior or mood and go along with your day. If you have a child who is not listening and it’s driving you crazy, then it’s time for you to reset and take a parent time out.
As parents we all get frustrated even down right angry with our children which is normal and the right emotion to feel. How you handle that anger is what makes you a different parent than the next.
Who agrees with me? Or better yet disagrees would love to hear how you deal with time outs
What I learned from the level 1 Gottman training
I have been so excited to attend the level 1 Gottman training ever since I found out about it. FAU presented it at a reduced rate which for me was a great added bonus. Of course as life is I did not expect to be moving into a hotel room for at least 4 weeks due to a water pipe breaking under my house. Nether less it packed up the car the morning of the first session to arrive at my hotel that night.
After getting completely lost on FAU campus the training finally started. Didn’t really know it was a 2 day video of John and Julie Gottman but I managed to sit for 8 hours each day and reenergize my desire to be the best couples therapist I can be.
The first interesting thing I learned is that the Gottman’s use a 3 session assessment. First session together, second session individual and third session together. Well, now I know why I love them, this is the same format I used in my ACP to finish my doctorate.
I also learned that most of the concepts being presented were ones that I already know which was reassuring as a therapist. I think the one thing I took away from the two day training is that I need to take a step back and let my clients interact more. The Gottman approach is all about the therapist sitting back and being a guide. I will allow my clients more room to explore how they can talk to themselves.
On the second day I run into a problem where I was told information via text that I could not fix because I wasn’t there. Instead of getting mad at the person, I let them know I was frustrated because I am a fixer and was unable to fix. I do believe this training helped me see I need to and teach others how best to speak from the “I” position.
The question remains will I go on to level 2 training. I am thinking yes! And I cannot wait to learn more.
Stay tuned for more tidbits from my experience at this training.
How to turn a negative into a positive
I have the pleasure of working with great minds and I get to help make them even better. I have an amazing client who went through a terrible break-up and she was able to turn this situation into a positive learning experience with my help of course!
Her and her boyfriend decided to move in together and he did not tell his close knit family about his move until after it already happened. His family blamed her and made her into a “scape goat”. She took the blame and tried to make the situation better but by doing that it only made it worse so she changed directions contacted a therapist and started working on herself. The first thing we decided together was to stop trying with his family and it worked and her and her boyfriend decided to break-up for a lot of reasons but mostly because of the situation with his family.
She went through the stages of grief and finally felt better. At that time I asked her to write a list of all the positives that came from her break-up and her experience with his family. This is what she came up with.
The Art of Compromise
I have been thinking about compromise lately because as a marriage and family therapist I have the pleasure of working with couples and one problem that some couples have is compromise. To really compromise it is not about one person winning and the other losing its about both people getting what they really want. Let me explain through an example:
In this relationship one partner is a doer and one is a thinker/planner. When things need to get done the doer wants it done and the planner wants to plan. Neither way is wrong and it is actually healthy to have that mix in their relationship in order to function but as you could guess it causes lots of arguments. When the doer wants something done lets say fixing a shower door. Where should the compromise be in this?
To fully compromise the doer should get a date that it can be done by and the planner can give that date and do the research to make it a great job! Both get what they want which is a shower door and neither have to fully compromise on who they are. That is the basis of all of this, is that when you are compromising who you are meaning giving in too much you loose yourself in your relationship. Communication needs to be changed and compromise needs to be mutually beneficial to both parties in the relationship to avoid all of those conflicts that couple’s love to have!
Compromise and communication are the main components of making a relationship work. Can anyone think of any other components that make a relationship work?
Stress Seminar
We had another great seminar last Wednesday. Here’s the video for those that were unable to attend. See you next time!
Exercise time out
I had a very interesting conversation today and what else do you do with interesting conversations except blog about them. I have been hearing a lot of what I believe to be Mom’s trying to understand boys energy level and how they can get them to calm down. Do they really need to calm down? There are so many places where boys have to be calm, in school, restaurants and the list goes on but in those rare occasions that boys get to be boys they sometimes release all of their energy in one place and that might confuse or scare an adult watching them by saying they need to calm down.
I do not think they need to calm down and I think they need to be encouraged to get that energy out in the right place and time. In this conversation I had today, I came up with an exercise time-out. This is where you either suggest to your boy a few activities to do or they can come up with them by themselves depending on age and when the energy level gets too high and you can see the frustration starting to kick in, its time for an energy time-out. This can be as simple as running around the yard for 5 minutes, running up and down stairs if you have them or riding a bike. This time-out is designed to get the energy out before your boy does something with the anger. In time, they can help you figure out what they need and how they can get to do these exercise time outs. Make it fun and remember boys will be boys and they are full of energy. Lets work to get that energy out in a positive manner and help them learn something about themselves at the same time!
To Vacation or Not
So we woke up Saturday morning and decided to pack up the kids, the car and go for a mini vacation. Not the usual way I plan a trip but we found a hotel in the keys, had my mom walk our dog and off we went. As a business owner and a mom of 2 young children there is no such thing as vacation time per say but I am a true believer that vacations are good for the soul and the stress level!
As my stress seminar is fast approaching on May 21 @ Kol Tikvah at 7:30 I am always looking for new ways to reduce my stress. Now you would think that traveling with 2 small children in a car for 2 hours would add to the stress but I am quickly finding out that practice makes perfect. The more you take them, the easier it is. I left the house a mess, didn’t really forget anything and had a blast!
While I was away I thought of all the things we would have been doing this weekend such as birthday parties, hanging out with friends, going to pool and the gym which are all great but on the other hand, we exposed our girls to kayaking for the first time and wave runners. It was a new experience and one that I want to continue to do with them.
Yes, it is work and yes it costs money to travel but there are always deals to be had and ways to avoid stress so I am a new less stressed person which inspired me to write my first blog in forever.
So are you for or against vacations?
Stress Seminar
So I am way over due for a blog post and I am at work on a new seminar about stress management. Especially how it relates to being a mom of small children. As always I will record the session and have it online afterwards for viewing. Here are the details if anyone wants to come. Remember it is Free
Save the date for my next seminar. May 21 @ 7:30 pm. Here are the details https://www.eventbrite.com/e/free-stress-management-seminar-tickets-11366418263
Quality time
As I am working mom, I find the time to really enjoy the time I spend with my girls. What does this mean? It seems as if every one is always in a rush to get from point A to point B that they forget that getting there is part of the journey. I picked up my daughter from school today and we played in front of the school for an hour. It was not planned or structured but it was a lot of fun. My girls got to use their imaginations and just enjoy playing.
i try to let them enjoy, explore and create when we can. I do not over schedule and let their moods determine how much they can handle. When I am with my girls I am engaged with them so when I am away from them, there is no sadness on their part that mommy is gone, they enjoy mommy time and I make it as enjoyable as I can. When that happens and my girls are happy, they are better listeners and will do what I ask without giving me such a hard time. Yes, parenting is tough but it can also be fun! Today was one of those fun days!
Relationship Seminar
On Wednesday evening, I had the opportunity to put on relationship seminar for some people in my community. Please enjoy the recorded video below.
Dr. Jennifer Lagrotte, DMFT, LMFT, LMHC is a family therapist in Coral Springs Florida, has been in practice since 2004 and a pioneer in online therapy solutions. With offices centrally located in Coral Springs Florida, she offers webcam and other convenient, online options in addition to conventional office visits. She specializes in families, couples and parental issues.
Once a month, Dr. Lagrotte will be holding therapy seminars at Congregation Kol Tikvah in Parkland, Florida and is free for all who attend. In addition, she will be publishing recordings of the seminars on her website in the seminars section at facetofacetherapy.com/seminars/