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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Shared parenting and stop asking for help!
Okay, I have been hearing a lot about parenting lately and one parent always saying to me, “He doesn’t help” I am using the female/male voice in this post because it is easier and of course there are tons of dads out there that the situation is reveresed. So, how do we start the process of shared parenting?
Let’s stop asking for help and let’s decide roles together. Both of you are working whether it is outside of the house or at home, there are always things to do and it gets tiring to always ask someone for help. I know that my partner will do anything I ask, but I do not want that, I want it to be equal and just automatic. In saying this, I realize that I need to change the way I think and move on to more co-parenting and not primary parenting. When two parents are involved, it is easy for one parent to do most of the day to day stuff and the other to come in and “help”. Let us say that the secondary parent needs to find ways to stay involved without asking the primary parent if they need any help. I would like the word help to be eliminated from each and every household and for everyone to have a family plan as my previous post talked about. I want both of you to work together to figure out which parenting/household skill your good at and work on those skills and check in with each other to make sure both are happy and satified.
The trick is to give your partner space to do things his/her way. You did not marry yourself and you cannot expect your parnter to do things the way you do them. If you want to go out one night, let your partner know he/she is parenting that night. Not that they are helping with the kids, but you will be gone and they will be parenting. If we can just change the word from “help” to parenting, I will be happy with that and then we can work on the rest of it in another post!
As always, share your thoughts and opinions on how this works in your house!
Family plans and other such communication!
I have been thinking of family plans to add to my list of ever growing ways for couples to communicate. What do I mean by this you ask? I was envolved in a chat about a couple that had different ideas about their relationship. The woman wants to get married mostly for religious reasons and the man is not proposing after being together for 11 years. Okay, at some point you need to realize that you have different ideas on family/relationships and figure out if there is a compromise in all of this. If so great, if not then you need to talk about separation.
Another reason I have been thinking of this is for a very simple reason as the thing we call “our morning routine” or for better words are “not morning routine.” We both do what it us necessary in the am but what if we had a morning routine?
So this idea of a family plan and relationship plan are to establish clear roles and diminish confusion and assumptions. I believe it is important to have 2 because if you lump them together something might get missed and the last thing I want is more confusion.
To make things simple start small such as a morning routine and state what parent/child is responsible for each thing. You can check back in a week from when you started it and either add, stay the same or revise!
Relationships should be treated the same way, start small, both have imput and revise/add often. Hopefully, this will lead to easier concrete communication to help each other understand each other point of view.
I’m working on my plans, let me know how yours go and if you already have one in place!
Let’s talk about working relationships!
Okay, so lately I will have a session and I think this will be a great blog. Yep, it happened again yesterday and just had to share my thoughts and as always hear what you have to say.
I was talking to a husband alone about his wife’s needs and how she wants him to be and he was struggling to get it until I put it in terms of work. When you go to work, you are there because you have acquired skills along the way that help you do your job. If at any point, those skills get out dated so will your job.
So, why do we view our relationships any different? Couples evolve over time and when your going through different stages of your life you need to adjust accordingly. How do you do that and always know how to work at your relationship job?
1. Communicate all the time. There is an assumption not sure if it’s from movies or not but if you are a good couple you know what your partner wants? That cannot be farer from the truth. Good couples communicate and do not assume they know what the other one wants. Communicate is the key to working on your relationship.
2. Taking time to talk about us, if you are mad that is not the time, cool off then talk when your calm.
3. Listening is crucial to this job, when you only talk and do not listen trouble happens.
4. Keep things fresh and new, find hobbies together so you always have things to talk about. Recreate your relationship whenever you want.
5. Forgive and forget-this is a hard one, but if your partner does that same thing over and over again, the only way to change is to forgive and forget and reevaluate what is going on.
6. Make time for each other, date nights at home or out does not matter where they are, just have fun as a couple!
Yes, relationships are work but the great thing about them is the more you work on them, the better they are!
If I left any important points out, please feel free to share.
The true meaning of parenting
Okay, so I posted a few days ago that I was moving home! Honorary and of course it was on my little girls first day of school all went well, we got so much done yesterday but of course there is so much more to do. I had a plan for today but funny how plans can change when you have children.
So I worked this morning and was going to unpack the rest of the stuff today and then my little girl got sick, boy does she know how to get out of going to school! Immediately, my plans changed and the day turned into mommy/daughter time cuddling in bed, getting rid of fevers and bonding time.
As I write this, I am forever blown away how powerful the love I feel for my girls. There is no pregnancy book to quite understand that feeling. My heart is with these girls and there is nothing more important than there needs. I have such a blessing in my family and when one of these girls are sick, nothing else really matters.
So in the hustle and bustle of first weeks of school let’s remember just how much we love our children and how much they just need our time, patience and understanding. The packing will resume tomorrow!
Ready or not here comes the school year!
We are officially ready for school! I will have one in vpk and the other one is just starting school. As some of you know we have been living out of our house for the last 5 weeks due to a water break. Of course we are moving back in the day my youngest starts school!
I thought I would share a few tips on how to ease back into your school routine without too much stress.
1. It’s time to readjust bedtime. Children that do not nap during the day need a good night sleep. Get into that routine now.
2. Talk about school and there routine, especially for the little ones, trust me they love routine!
3. Breakfast is important start of the day, if they have been home and used to snacking it will be hard to make it to lunch for older ones and snack time for younger ones.
4. Talk about a morning routine let them help decide how it will work and stick to it.
5. Plan the night before- lay out clothes, prepare lunch, anything to make your morning routine easier.
6. Most importantly plan on enough time for all that will come up, save up your patience and use it this upcoming week!
Back to school time is back to routine time and both parents and children love it! Remember if your frustrated most likely they are as well. You set the tone for all of this so sleep well, eat well and always remember to breathe!
Temper Tantrums and the best ways to avoid them!
Whose been there, trying to rush to do errands and all of a suden your child throws a fit? Everybody has been there, let’s talk about how to avoid these temper tantrums!
1. Water- dehydration is a big cause of mood change especially in this heat. Make sure your kiddos are well hydrated throughout the day.
2. Food-same goes with food. If a child plays for an hour, feed them and make sure they have eaten enough before resuming activities.
3. Sleep-major temper tantrums can be avoided if you understand your child ‘s sleep schedule and do not plan a morn or activity if they are low on sleep.
4. Time-children need help transitioning from one activity to another, need time to adjust, give them a count down and be patient when they do not want to leave especially if already experencing 1-3,
5.Places- children behave better when they are not pressured to. If you need to bring them to an adult activity such as grocery shopping understand they can behave but will get bored easily, be prepared and have fun!
6. Electronic pacifiers- I call all of the iPads and phones that we give children to distract them. What happens when you do not have the devise and the child does not know how to act? I would suggest leaving immediately.
As fas as how to handle them, an average temper tantrums lasts between 1-3 minutes, if you try to intervene it will last longer. Normally children snap back immediately and reset but us adults are affected more. Try to remember why they are having their temper tantrums and that they can only handle so much!
Did I leave anything out? Would love to hear how you handle temper tantrums and ways to avoid them.
The true meaning of depression.
I had to think about the name of this blog because in the wake of Robin Williams there have been so many posts and discussions about him and how he will be missed and I wanted to share my thoughts which I always tend to have when things like this happen.
I really want to focus on the depression part of this story and can only hope that some one can be helped because there are millions of Robin Williams types out there that cannot get out of bed and think ending your life is the only option. Depression, well clinical depression is real, is a diagnosis and is a life long struggle.
There are people that use the expression “I am depressed.” Or “I have the blues.” And stay in their pajamas for a few days, watch tv and even include some ice cream in all of this. This type of depression is called situational and it is only temporary.
Clinical depression is another story and it is very real. People that suffer from clinical depression come from all walks of life, there is no discriminating against who gets depression. It does run in families and some major warning signs include
-excessive weight loss or gain
-insomnia or excessive sleeping
-feelings of hopelessness and helpless
-unable to connect to others
-feelings of self harm
– and many more
Now the question people are asking is how could this happen to Robin Williams? Anybody that suffers from this disease can answer that question easily, which is “the depression takes over”
I can only hope that this whole tragic event will publicize depression as much as the castor himself and make others realize they are not alone at a time when all they feel is loneliness. Mental illness is real and should not be overlooked for any reason. If this can happen to Robin Williams it can happen to anyone and it does.
Love those around you, pay attention to your loved ones moods, keep in contact with others and force yourself or someone you love to get help when they need it the most.
Hope this touched home to at least one person and we can start the healing process now!
Coupling and what works
When I work with couples, I eventually get asked this question “Are we a good couple, will we make it?” My answer usually is this: if you are trying and putting effort into your relationship then yes it will work, if you expect your partner to change while you do nothing then no. The phrase that I use is “it takes two to tango”.
I also reference work performance reviews all the time. Let’s say that you have a job outside of your house and each year you expect to get a raise and promotion without putting any effort into your job, would you still get a good review? The answer is no, the same works with relationships, they take an enormous amount of effort in order to work.
Here are the few things I think all couples should do:
-set time to talk about your relationship. Come from an “I” place where you say how you feel and not blame your partner.
-take time for yourself so you can recharge and be a happier person for your relationship.
-communicate all the time, when you stop talking your relationship breaks down, talk, talk, talk!
Of course there are more and I would love to hear from you how you think relationships work.
Accidents and the movie “Frozen”
We have a strict “no getting into trouble” policy if you do something by accident or you tell the truth. That being said, my oldest was pushing my youngest on her bike and she fell off and hit her head. Of course my oldest was upset enough on her own to see her sister cry which there is no need to make her feel bad. All I said was “it was an accident” and dried the tears!
This incident made me think of the movie frozen. So many people have debated the two sisters but I am wondering why the parents get a pass? It is so Disney to have the parents absent in the movie.
Let’s recap… Elsa hurt her sister by accident and the way to fix it was to take away Anna’s memories and isolate both girls from the outside world and each other. Elsa’s powers grew out of fear because her parents were afraid of and for her. She never learned how to control them because love was taken away from her at a young age. It took her younger, stronger sister to defy how she was raised and never loose her bond to save her older sister.
Now, let’s see how my theory would have worked. Elsa hurt her sister by accident. Her parents said “you made a mistake and it’s okay and you need to learn from it.” The sisters grew up together and Elsa learned to control her powers with love!
Guess my version wouldn’t have been as good for the ratings but the point is to learn from mistakes and not criticize or judge. Children and us adults feel bad enough when we do something by accident to someone we love, we do not need any help feeling bad. Parent with love and respect and that is what you will get in return!
The nitty gritty of sleep time for children
So ever since my 4 year old came into my life, my goal was to introduce her to sleeping through the night. The biggest reason being I enjoy my sleep. I cannot tell you how many times people are down right amazed that both my girls are asleep by 7pm. Well, the older one for sure by 7:30. So, who wants to know how this is done!
The first thing I want you to realize is that if getting your children to bed early is a goal for you then you might have to sacrifice other areas in your life. I cannot even begin to tell you how many things we say no to because it interferes with bedtime. We don’t do evening activities or go out with our kids late. If I take them out to eat, it is early.
In our house, we eat dinner at 5:00 pm, bath time at 6pm, put the youngest in by 6:30 and older one by 7pm. That means everyday, weekends, vacations and even summer. Yes, I have made the mistake of letting them stay up late and it always reminds me the next day how my girls need their sleep.
I know that when I leave their rooms and say, “I love you and see you in the morning,” that I mean it and so do they.
Here are some guidelines:
- Have a routine is a must such as bath, book, bottle or breast milk, then bed. This has been the routine since day one.
- We always go into their rooms if there is a problem during the night.
- Since birth, our girls have slept in their own rooms, it works for us and for them.
- Wait about 30 minutes to get them in the morning. Get them used to staying in their rooms from a young age.
- If you are breast feeding, cluster feed and slow down your feedings at night. Yes, I nursed both girls and it can be done.
- Include bargaining and avoidance into your routine. Pick how much you want to give them and let them learn how to push and you push back.
- Be consistent with all care givers, and yes that even includes grandparents.
- No guilt. You are a great parent for reading this and wanting to try something new.
All parenting is trial and error and if one thing does not work then try something else. As parents we need to lean on each other and work together to raise healthy, happy children.
Let me know if you have a method that works or does not work and as always ask questions! Happy parenting!