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“You’re Not Listening to Me!”: Why We Hear Each Other But Still Feel Unheard
A Therapist’s Take on Miscommunication in Relationships
“You’re not listening to me.”
It’s one of the most common frustrations I hear in couples therapy.
And guess what?
In most cases, they actually are listening—just not in the way that matters.
Let me explain.
👂 The Difference Between Hearing and Being Heard
There’s a big difference between:
- Hearing words
- And hearing the emotion behind the words.
Example:
Partner A says, “I feel like you don’t want to spend time with me.”
Partner B responds, “That’s not true. We went to dinner Tuesday.”
That response might be factually correct—but it totally misses the emotional need.
What Partner A wanted was:
- Reassurance
- Validation
- Emotional connection
What they got was:
- Data and defensiveness
🧠 Why This Happens (Even In Loving Relationships)
Couples don’t struggle because they don’t care.
They struggle because their styles of communication are mismatched.
- One partner wants solutions.
- The other wants empathy.
- One communicates in logic.
- The other leads with feeling
- One wants to “fix it fast.”
- The other wants to “feel it through.”
These aren’t wrong ways to communicate. But when they collide, both people end up feeling unheard—even while having the same conversation.
🔄 What It Sounds Like in Real Life
What’s said: “I feel like you don’t care.”
What’s heard: “You’re a bad partner.”
What’s said: “I just need you to listen.”
What’s heard: “I don’t want your help.”
What’s said: “Can you not check your phone when I’m talking?”
What’s heard: “You’re always doing something wrong.”
See how quickly things can spiral?
🧰 The Fix: Reflective Listening (It Works—Promise)
This one tool can change your entire relationship dynamic:
👂 Reflective Listening 101:
- Listen without interrupting.
- Repeat back what you heard.
“So you’re saying you felt dismissed when I walked away?” - Ask if you got it right.
“Did I understand that?” - Only then… respond.
You don’t have to agree.
You don’t have to fix.
You just have to make your partner feel heard before anything else can happen.
❤️ It’s Not About Getting It Perfect—It’s About Showing Up
You don’t need to become a therapist to improve your communication.
You just need to:
- Slow down
- Stay curious
- And check in before you check out of the conversation
Final Thoughts: Feeling Heard is Emotional Oxygen
Most partners aren’t asking for perfection.
They’re asking for presence.
For a moment where their experience lands in someone else’s heart—not just their ears.
The next time your partner says something that sparks defensiveness, try this:
“Help me understand what you’re feeling right now.”
It’s not magic. But it’s close.
Want to go deeper?
Therapy can help you build communication habits that actually stick.
Managing Conflict
Would it be surprising to hear that conflict is not a bad thing?
For most couples, the word conflict is synonymous with arguments, tension, and feeling frustrated with one another. Unfortunately, for many couples, this is exactly what the word conflict translates to in their relationship. However, when conflict is managed the right way, it doesn’t have to lead to a screaming match. Getting into an argument does not mean that the relationship is toxic or dysfunctional. It only turns that way when there is a communication breakdown. Fortunately, learning how to manage conflict for a healthier relationship effectively is possible.
How To Engage In Healthy Conflict
Show respect – even while in conflict
One of the basic foundations of a relationship is respect. Yes, you might become frustrated with one another, but screaming matches don’t help anything. Insulting each other or name-calling is never okay, either. After all, when was the last time that either resulted in the conflict being resolved peacefully? When one or both of you feel disrespected in any way, it inevitably leads to more conflict and tension. This often leads to an argument about one thing turning into something else entirely. Before you speak, take a step back to think about if what you want to say will result in mutual understanding and resolution. If you aren’t sure, it will likely be best to leave it unspoken for now.
Shift your statements
We all want our opinions to be heard. We want the other person to understand our side and perspective. Unfortunately, most of us don’t know how to articulate this correctly. What this results in are statements that are focused on them and not you. You may consider using “I Statements (wikipedia link)“. For example, you might say, “You never care about what I have to say,” which can be seen as very accusatory. Instead, shift this statement to, “I just feel like you never take me seriously or listen to me when I talk.” Do you see the difference? The second statement expresses how you feel about the situation. You are still saying what you need to, but in a way that won’t immediately cause your partner to become defensive.
Own up to your mistakes
Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and have slip-ups. We all have misunderstandings and say things that we regret later on. It’s hard to admit when we are wrong. In conflict, howoften do we only focus on what our partner did or said? It’s uncomfortable for humans to admit they also played a role in the tension and conflict. Part of conflict resolution is admitting to each other that you made a mistake. Apologize for your words and actions and ask them to forgive you. As a team, you can then move forward while being able to leave it in the past.
Look at the bigger picture
It’s common for most couples to get into arguments about household responsibilities. Many don’t realize they aren’t arguing about the dishwasher not being unloaded or the laundry needing to be washed. When couples argue about household responsibilities, it’s often a sign of something else entirely. It’s just a small tip of the iceberg showing above the surface. You can learn to have healthier conflict by taking a step back and thinking about why else you are arguing. Are you stressed because of work and taking it out on each other? Do you feel as if, overall, your partner isn’t pulling their weight with the household responsibilities?
Nobody wants to intentionally causes arguments with their partner. Instead, many smaller issues often pile up that cause couples to find themselves in a cycle of conflict. If you are not communicating effectively with your partner, feel free to reach out for couples therapy. Together, we can help you learn to manage conflict so it no longer becomes a source of stress and tension between you.
Let’s listen to others today
In my years of working with couples, I have gotten some great advice on how to work with couples. I have also gotten some good tidbits from all the trainings that I do. I was wondering if there was anything else out there that would spark my interest so I found an article that asks couples what they do to spark interest in each other. I really liked it so I’m going to share some of the quotes that I found interesting.
TRY THE TWO-MINUTE RULE
“Basically, anything can wait for two minutes. You have to pee? Got dinner cooking on the stove? Need to make an important phone call? Everything in life can wait for two minutes if it means making your spouse feel loved. So, when one of us calls for two minutes the other person has to stop whatever they are doing and we go find a place to be alone together. For those two minutes you are not allowed to check a cell phone, answer a child, think of other tasks you need to do. At the end of the two minutes, either person has the right to say they need to get back to what they were doing and the other person can’t be sad or offended. We’ve been using this rule for over 10 years now and it’s my favorite thing. Even our children know that when mom and daddy are having two minutes they cannot bug us.”
—Lizzy V., Fort Mill, SC
VOLUNTEER TOGETHER
“Volunteering together keeps the spark alive in our relationship by connecting to something that is bigger than our own problems. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but we have a really great one. And nothing is sexier than seeing him help someone in need.”
—Chris G., Sacramento, CA
WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS
“We decided early on is that we would never ever put each other down or say anything negative about the other one in front of others. We’ve made it a practice to only say supportive and kind things to each other in public and save disagreements for when we’re alone. And even then we make sure to keep it civil. It’s worked for us for 26 years.”
—Tammy N., Seattle, WA
SAY THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS
“The last thing we say to each other each night are the words ‘I love you.’ No matter how long or hard the day has been, we end it with love.”
—Dave G., Denver, CO
SCHEDULE TOGETHER TIME
“We’ve learned that if date night is going to happen we have to schedule it, just like we would any other obligation. Now, everyone knows I am simply not available Fridays from 5 to 7 p.m. and they respect that.”
—Alison M., New York, NY
SAY THANK YOU
“Each night before falling asleep my husband thanks me for doing something that day. It could be anything from running an errand to doing the dishes to making a delicious dinner. It makes me feel appreciated and not taken for granted. And I do the same for him. It’s nice to fall asleep thinking about the reasons we like each other.”
—Lisa G., Westminster, CO
EAT TOGETHER
“My wife and I make it a point to always eat breakfast and dinner tonight, no matter how early or late it has to happen. We’re celebrating our 40th anniversary this summer so something must be working!”
—Thomas H., Eau Claire, WI
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY
“We find little things we can do that will make the other person happy, like getting them a favorite treat or running an errand for them. The happiness of your spouse should be your first priority, for each of you. We just had our oldest daughter get married and that’s the advice we gave her!”
—Toby D., Lakeville, MN
COUPLES THERAPY
“Sometimes when the spark is gone from a relationship, there’s a real reason. My husband and I have done marriage counseling, individual therapy, and appropriate medications (not to mention a large dose of humor). It’s saved our marriage.”
—Julie S., Washington, DC
Couldn’t resist the last one!! I picked the ones that I thought were interesting. Here’s the whole article in case you want to read it https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4569/happy-couples-healthy-relationship-advice/
I would love to hear the ways you keep the romance going in your relationship. There are so many good ones here. I especially like the 2 minute rule because it’s just so true. What is your favorite?
Wants and Needs
I’ve been asked (or maybe I’m just talking about it this week) on the difference between needs and wants.
When I was a new mom and I was wondering how the heck I would take care of 2 kids (a baby and a toddler) at the same time while I was breastfeeding one and the other has never left my side, arggghhh!! I was given the best advice:
Babies have needs, toddlers have wants, decide who needs you more!!
Wow, that was so powerful, quotable and helpful because when you’re sleep deprived and not knowing what you’re doing, how do you do it all? Um, you take turns, take a breathe and figure it out.
So, I was thinking about this again with my clients this week. I had some great conversations about it and how we can think about what we need in our relationships compared to what we want.
What I believe my needs are
Trust
So important to me to be able to trust my partner. This takes on a different meaning for me because I can trust him not to cheat on me, but I can’t always trust that he will do what he says. I need someone that will do what they say and say what they will do.
Emotions
I’m a therapist and anyone that’s with me needs to know that talking about emotions is important to me. I need to work through things, get rid of the upset feelings and get to the true emotions behind what we’re talking about. Guess I can call them triggers as well.
Co-Parenting
Yes, there can only be one parent that is working at a time, but there are two parents that need to be parenting all the time. Even though I work, and so does he, I need to feel as if our children are both of our responsibilities all the time. Work in progress here.
Talking
This is huge for me and I need this so much. I need to talk things out and work out what needs to be worked out. The silence is a killer for me. Huge need is to talk.
Let’s switch to some of my wants
Plans
I’m a planner and I like to have plans made. Something about having plans made is soothing to me and lets me get excited about things and helps me stay calm. My partner is a “spur of the moment” kinda guy so this is always a work in progress.
Vacations
I’m putting this in the wants section because it’s not a need. I do enjoy going away, seeing new things and of course planning it all!
Healthy Lifestyle
This is a need for me and I do this personally to stay sane, but it’s a want in my life because I can’t make anyone do anything solely for me. Maybe it’s a want/need!
In Summary
I’m going to stop there because I can add a lot more wants but in reality, I’m okay with getting my needs met. My needs are my core and when I get my needs met, I’m happy and content with my relationship.
How about you? Do you know your wants and needs? Do you need help distinguishing them Let’s hear from you and how you distinguish the two.
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
I’m blessed to have 2 elementary age children who are at school for 6 hours a day. I can get stuff done, exercise and of course, work on my business. When my children walk through the door, my world shifts and I don’t always know what I’m getting myself into when they come home.Read More
Let’s Talk About Emotions!
Let’s Talk Emotions
I am a Gottman couples’ therapist and I love working with couples. I get to see the transition from hurt, angry, distant to loving, intimate and enjoying each other. Understanding your emotions is not easy, but yes, it is possible.Read More
How Do You Focus on the Big Picture?
So, how did you two first meet?
When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?” This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk. How do we focus on the big picture?
I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.
My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.
So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning? Here are some tips.
1. Relook at your wedding album
These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.
2. Ask your partner out on dates
It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!
3. Do your rituals of connection
If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.
4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting
Again I talk about this one quite a lot. Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.
5. Share alone time with friends/families
Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other. Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!
Wrapping Up
All of these are about create intimacy between you both. It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash? It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal. Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.
How to Be an Advanced Listener
I figured I would give you a little time to read my last post “How to be a Great Listener” before I wrote this as a follow-up. Listening is so important in how you relate to your partner and so many people don’t do it.
Are you listening on how to be an advanced listener? If so, here it is.
Read Between the Lines
To be an even better listener, you need to read between the lines of what your partner is saying. You need to focus on HOW your partner is saying things, not just what they’re saying. You need to convey understanding. Examples are here to help:
Your partner says, “This apartment is my prison.” You say, “Wow, it sounds as if you are really trapped. Is that right? Am I getting it right?”
Your partner says. “I feel like the train has left and I’m still standing at the station.” You say, “So you feel as if the world is passing you by and your own life is at a standstill?”
Have Regular Stress Reducing Conversations
Find out who or what is stressing your partner. Know who the main people are in your partner’s life. Learn their names. Find out what is working in your partner’s life. Basically sit down with no distractions and talk/listen to each other at least 1x a week.
Just Be There and Listen
Yep, it is really that easy. Put down the phone, iPad, TV remote and have a conversation. Listen with empathy and understanding. Only give advice if your partner asks you to. Do not solve the problem or internalize it, you’re doing the work by listening and that’s enough to feel loved, supported and most importantly, an advanced listener!
Listening is a skill we have to learn along with all other skills
Try incorporating listening into your daily routine and see how your partner responds to you. Enjoy your new found connection through listening!
How to Be a Great Listener
Are you listening?
Does your partner say all the time “you never listen” or “you have no idea what that even means?” You’re there and hearing the words that someone else is saying, so doesn’t that make you a great listener? Well, to answer your question, if your partner doesn’t think you’re a good listener then it’s time to read this and find out how to be a great listener.
Read More
How much should you work on your relationship for it to work?
This is the biggest question I get asked when couples come to see me. How much should I work on my relationship? The bigger question that comes from this is “how do I work on my relationship?”
Where Do I Start?
When I meet people, they’re usually not in a good place in their relationship, because realistically who comes to therapy when they’re happy? I get to ask and work on relationships when they’re angry at each other. Once we get working and we get things a bit better, I send them off to work on things on their own.
So, how many people continue to work on their relationship after therapy is over? I would like to think everyone but that’s not true. For the most part, I don’t often see people again because I give them the skills to communication and the tools to resolve conflict.
Back to the Question
Back to the question at hand, how much should you work on your relationship? I would say at least 5 hours a week. Let’s spell it out.
- Find a time to date. Yes. ask your partner out on a date and switch it up each week. If the kids are in school, go for a lunch date. If they’re not, try to get a babysitter once a week.
- Have a conversation about each other. Listen to your partner with emphatic ears and return the favor. Don’t try to solve any problems, simply listen to each other every night. This is called The Stress Reducing Conversation.
- Have rituals of connections where you greet each other and say goodbye. Do this every day and if you forget, try again the next day.
- Come up with conversations that don’t have anything to do with the house, kids, jobs or extended family. Date talk!
- Most importantly, put those phones down and look at each other. For an hour a week or even more, declare your relationship technology free and enjoy each other’s company!
It’s really that Simple?
Yes, it is that simple and no, it isn’t that complicated. When you feel connected, you are are more open to overlook the small stuff such as leaving shoes out or forgetting to take out the trash. Staying connected emotionally and physically is so important to your relationship, and yes, you do need to actively make the time to do it, and yes, it is only 5 hours a week. Enjoy each other and remember that you love each other and want to talk to each other.
Tell me how you reconnect each week? Leave a comment below!