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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
The 5 1/2 hour a week fix to your relationship!
How much time do you think you should spend on your relationship each week? The Gottman Method for Couple’s therapy has come up with a concept called The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week. What does this mean to you and me as people in relationships with busy lives and work, children and external stressors getting in the way of spending time together? It means that this is how much time you should spend on your relationship each week in order to keep your relationship working. Here is how to do it!
Parting: Don’t part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner’s day, and kiss for a minimum of six seconds. Two minutes a day x 5 working days. Total 10 minutes
Reunions: The six second kiss. The stress reducing conversation. Each partner take 10 minutes to talk about your day. Partner does active listening. Give support. Rule: Understanding must precede advice. Twenty minutes a day x five days. Total 1 hour and 40 minutes.
Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation for your partner. Five minutes a day x seven days. Total: 35 minutes
Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, touch each other. Play is good. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep, and what ever else you think of. Five minutes a day x seven days Total 35 minutes
Love Maps: Update your love maps (means to know each other and what is going on in your life). Turn towards each other. Go out on a relationship day for at least 2 hours once a week. Think of great questions to ask your partner while on your date or just in general. Total: At least 2 hours.
Aftermath of a fight. This is a technique used in the Gottman Method therapy to resolve conflict and make sure both sides are heard. The speaker talks about their feelings, tells their story and the listener responds with understanding of what the listener is saying. Then you switch roles. This is a great exercise to use after a fight to understand both partners feelings. Total: Thirty minutes once a week.
To start out this might seem as if it is a lot of work and hard to do but try to incorporate what you can slowly and work on adding the full five and one-half hours to your week to stay connected, talk about feelings instead of problem solve, and learn how to express emotions.
If you have any further questions about this, please do not hesitate to ask.
Relationship Styles: Which one are you?
Relationship Styles
Okay, we have all heard the term “opposites attract” and when they do, conflict arises because you have two people that look at life/relationship styles. Let’s learn a bit about the different relationship styles and find out which one fits best for you!
Conflict-Avoider Style: Generally prefers little disagreement. If there is a issue, prefers to discuss the issue completely, but not try to influence partner or persuade partner or be persuaded by the partner. Feels that the passage of time will often solve problems. Will drop the topic or just agree to disagree. Generally feels that anger is a dangerous emotion and believes in protecting the relationship from anger. Believes it is best not to dwell much on the negative in life, but to roll with the punches and emphasizes the positive. Prefers having traditional roles in the relationship. Often does things separately.
Volatile Style: Enjoys a good debate and argument. It is fun, and there is a lot of humor and teasing and affection in a good discussion. Values being direct and honest, even if this is sometimes painful. Also prefers doing a lot of things separately. Definitely things that the expression of anger and most emotions is healthy and natural in a relationship.
Validating Style: Values togetherness above all things in the relationship. Prefers arguing about some things, but not a lot. Values listening before trying to persuade one another. Places a high value on compromise. Believes in expressing anger, but is very careful to buffer partner from too much anger.
Yes, you can be a combination of one, two or even all three. The important point here is that both you and your partner need to know how each other deals with conflicts and which style fits your personality and based on your style is how you deal with conflicts.
Which style are you?
Gottman Couple’s Method Rituals in Relationships
To learn a bit more about the Gottman Method and what it means, I want to share an exercise that I thought was helpful to include in my own relationship. When we think of rituals, at least when I thought of rituals, I thought it meant holidays, birthdays, etc. Never did I even think about day-to-day rituals and how helpful they can be. Here is how it works.
Go back into each person’s memories of your families and ask about the rituals of connection surrounding these events. If there is resistance of one partner or another, then work through it and talk about this resistance and figure out how you can listen to what your partner has to say. If there are bad memories, the idea of bringing things up might be upsetting. A supportive listener is sometimes all we need.
In each ritual, it is important to know what each person is supposed to do and when. This includes entry into the ritual, the roles each person will have in the ritual, and its ending.
Leave Taking: Come up with something that both of you can do that is rewarding and will make leaving a connection time. For example: Kissing before walking out the door.
Reunions: When coming back home, come up with one thing to talk about the day.
Mealtimes: Come together at meals and share events of the day. My family does highs and lows. Name one great and one bad thing that happened each day.
Eating out: This can become a family ritual and tradition such as where you go for birthday dinners. Find a connection and enjoy time out together.
The reunion stress reducing conversation: Each person gets at least 5 minutes to talk about something stressful about their day, not about the relationship.
Bedtime: Get into a routine of bedtime even if you do not go to sleep at the same time. At least a hug and kiss from the person going to sleep first.
Morning Rituals: For most families, mornings can be hectic. Find a system that works for you and stick to it.
Dates and Getaways: Very important part of a relationship. If finances are an issue then find out if you can swap with another family date nights, such as you watch their children then they watch yours. Or do date night at home.
When one person is sick: Discuss what you need and how you would like to be taken care of or left alone.
Celebrations: How does your family deal with pride, praise, celebrate success and acknowledge and reward achievement? Find out how each partner feels about this and create a culture of praise that works for you.
Rituals surrounding bad luck, failure, or exhaustion: How do you support, heal, and renew each other in bad times?
Rituals surrounding entertaining: The idea of a home and bringing friends into it can lead to important rituals of connection for a couple and for children.
Rituals surrounding keeping in touch with family and friend: Family events, reunions, and so on can be great or a source of argument. Are friends over involved or do you not have any? Talk about how you both feel about family and friends and come up with something that works.
Rituals surrounding initiation and refusing love-making and talking about it: It is just important to talk about sex as well as the rejection you feel when your partner ignores your advances. It is okay to schedule sex and equally important to talk about it. Find a system that works for both of you and enjoy it!
Vacations: How does your family introduce a need for a vacation? How are they planned and what is the vacation like. Does work come along on vacation? Does family or just you and your partner? Talk about how you would envision your vacations.
Connections surrounding birthdays, anniversaries, etc: What traditions are set up for these? Is someone always disappointed? Here is where finding out about past family traditions could greatly help your conversation.
Ok, is that enough for one day. Seriously, I wrote all of them down and some of these, you might already have in place and some of them, you have not even thought of. Try to figure out how you can talk about each one. They are all important but if it is too challenging to incorporate all of them, then you can pick the 5 most important ones to both you and your partner and talk about those.
This is easier to do in a therapist’s office, but can be done at home with time, compassion and great listening skills. If you find yourself needing help with these, make the call and come in for a session to get started on your new relationship!
Live life as you want to live.
I have been absent for quite some time from this blog writing and it goes to the heart of this post because I have been focusing more on my family than my business. Not to say that I am not giving my all but my all is redirected at this moment. I have been telling my clients more and more lately that you need to live life the way you want it to be. What does that mean and why should you do it?
If you are having troubles at work, home or with the family, think about what and how you would be happy and once you find that out, others around you will be happier. If you are living to try to please others and not yourself than you will only end up regretting it and working on pleasing them. I am not telling you to be selfish, I am telling you to be self-full. What is the difference you ask? When you are self-full you work on doing good for yourself than others will benefit from it. When you are selfish, you are only thinking about yourself.
I have realized that my live is worth living the way I want it to be. That does not mean quitting my life and starting over. It means adding happiness to it and working on myself to live life to the fullest.
With that being said, how would you describe living life to the fullest?
How do you know you want to be a parent?
As my oldest daughter turns 5 today and my youngest was the craziest I and my husband have ever seen her, this question came to my mind. I did not meet my husband until I was older and finished with all of my school which is a blessing for me, but I always knew I wanted children, but why? My brother had children way before me and I was always asked if I wanted them and I said yes, but not then. I found a career that I could do both, meaning work and raise a family if I was to do it on my own, thankfully that was not the case. So, the question remains, how did I know I wanted to be a parent?
I counsel a lot of couples and I see some with children and some without. There is a difference in the problems, needs and desires of those two groups. I have always believed that the smartest people in the world that decide they do not want children and do not have them. So, I can come up with the reasons not to have them:
1. To save a relationship (doesn’t work)
2. If you have had a rough childhood and decide you do not want children (that is okay!)
3. If you want to focus on your career and feel that is enough for you.
Now, let me try to come up with a list of reasons you should have children? I cannot pin point why I wanted children even the number. We have 2 girls and I get asked all the time if I am going to try for number 3, the answer is no because I know I wanted 2 children. Even when they drive me up the wall, the constant attention and the lack of everything that is me, there is still no better feeling than when one or both of my children say that they love me! I love them with all my heart, just cannot pin point exactly why I wanted to be a parent.
Would love to hear from you about why you do or do not want to be a parent. The high points and the low points on both ends. Let’s hear the stories!
How do you be a good parent and friend?
Ok, so I see a lot of people around and even talk to a few of them and I always wonder if my family is different? I have small children and they always seem to know when I am about to get on a work call, talk to another parent or just need some time to myself. I am a very hands on mom and I will play with my children when they ask me, but when do I get a chance to play?
The answer is as always the good old balance of life, children and time for yourself. I recently spoke on stress and asked the audience the amount of time you should devote to yourself, most people especially parents say the most 25% but actually it should be 50% and I think I need to clarify that the 50% need to waking hours!
So, how is this done! One of the first things I ever learned in my Master’s program or one of the first things I remember is that you need to always work on yourself, then your relationship, then your children. Hello, how is that possible? I think so. Lets work on the steps.
1. Remove the guilt that is involved in parenting and stop feeling guilty all the time for either just taking time for yourself or even
spending money on yourself. Remember the guilt means you are a good parent!
2. Find someone else to watch your children. No, they will not be the same as you, you will need to let go and remember that it is good for
them and you to be with others.
3. Ask someone on a date! Find another parent that you connect with and hang out.
And remember that you are a better person when you are a calmer person! Be calm and be a good parent at the same time. Get away from your children so you can work on yourself and develop friendships that will make you happy.
How to stay thankful!
I love thanksgiving! Every year we talk about cutting corners, even the possibility of going out to eat, but when it comes down to it, this is the holiday that means family around a table in the house eating everything they can find! We always go around and say what we are thankful for and I am always so thankful for my family, friends and even my wonderful career path, but this year I think I will add a different spin on things and try to figure out how to remain thankful all year-long.
This concept reminds me of hurricane season, especially the part where you lose electricity and you turn to your neighbors to help or just to bond. Whenever the electricity is out, I have noticed that families come out of their houses, interact with others and lend a helping hand if needed. When the electricity goes back on, you remark how great it was to be part of the community, even if it was just in your own house and remind yourself that you need to keep it up. Honestly, who really keeps it up? The same goes with being thankful, how do we remain thankful for all of our blessings all year-long?
1. Always volunteer and remind yourself of all that you have.
2. Donate items to those in need all year-long.
3. Teach others how to be thankful of what they have.
4. Implement a plan to slow down and remind yourself of all that you have.
5. Look around and see your life through someone else’s eyes.
I am one of the lucky ones that I can remind myself of all that I am thankful for and one way that I can do this for sure is when I am driving in traffic and come upon an accident. I do not get upset for the extra time that I had to wait for the accident because I am safe in my car while somebody else is hurting or even worse. To remember the acts of kindness that we do to others and others to do us is the best way to stay thankful.
Let me know your thoughts on how to say thankful all year round and let’s hold each other to this promise of staying thankful!
How selfish do you need to be in order to be a good parent?
Ok, long title and one that might seem not right when it comes to parenting. What does that mean that you have to be selfish? Well, let’s put it in another frame of mind. How about you say that you be selfful? Yes, my spell check tells me that is not a word but I use that phrase a lot when I am working with people. What does it all mean?
Who’s been on an airplane? All of us at some point of another. Who listens to the announcement about procedures? If you have listened once it has told you that if the airbags come down, put one on yourself first then your child or your neighbor that might need help. Yeah right! Who is going to put one on themselves first before their child? The people that come to therapy would because if you cannot take care of yourself then you cannot take care of your child! That being said, we all have different stress levels, patience levels and tolerance levels so when you start comparing yourself to others it is a loosing battle. Here is what you need to know to survive the parenting game.
1. Know yourself and your limits.
2. Recognize when your limits are being reached and you need time to yourself.
3. Take that time, reenergize and then go back to reaching your limits again!
Easier said than done but it needs to happen in order for you to be a functional person/parent. You are not doing yourself or your child any good if you are too stressed out to take care of them. You will either start yelling or worse they will. How do these kids know when we are down and out.
So, you say to yourself at this point, I cannot take a break? I have no help nor do I have money for help. Here are some alternatives for you.
1. Find activities that your children love and can do mostly independently so you can at least have a mind break.
2. Find children for your children to play with so you can zone out.
3. Swap your children with a friend and you do the same so you can have a break.
These are just a few examples of how you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. We love our children but we need to love ourselves more in order to be the best parent we can be.
If you have any great ideas on how you zone out or take a break, let me hear them!
Communication is the Key
If you have ever been in my therapy office, you would have heard me say these words…
“If you are thinking about it, then say it!”
Communication is so important in a relationship and the only way the relationship moves forward. I have had couples come to me and say that the true meaning of love is being able to finish each other’s sentences. I tell them that leads to assumptions and fights!
I think we have all been out to dinner and see couples who just do not talk and when things are good, you joke with each other that will never happen to us! Well, fast forward a few years with life, stress, family and all the other things that can come into your life you are now that couple that has nothing to say to each other. What do you do?
My clients will tell you that I am constantly giving them tips on how to communicate to avoid a fight and here is a communication exercise that I gave to a couple recently and I thought I would share it with all of you.
How do you start talking when all you have been doing is fighting and talking about kids, house, etc? I call this the communication game. You and your partner pick different topics to talk about each night. Some of the ones we came up with are:
- Humor
- Family
- Goals
- Intimacy
- Emotions
- Listening
- Board game night
These are just examples on how you can start communicating again. Try doing this for 15 minutes each night. If you need to add a fight night, then do so, if you need to add 2 fight nights then that’s okay as well. The trick is to get talking and reconnecting as a couple.
As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated!
I am a good parent!
Okay, for the most part and for that matter for most days I know I’m a good mom! Of course there are days when I doubt myself which today was one of them. Saying that me being me, I had to learn about myself and of course write about it.
How do you know your a good parent?
1. I think the first indication would be you read this post! Meaning if your questioning yourself, then your a good parent.
2. Do you spend quality time with your kids? If this is hard to do, at least develop a nightly ritual so all is forgiven each day!
3. Do you make sure your kids have food, clothes, enough sleep? We do not really think about that stuff but it is basic survival.
4. Do you drop or cancel your own thing for the sake of your child?
5. Do you put your child’s needs before your own?
These are just some of the ways you can tell your a good parent, but really if you do anything and everything for your child you will still doubt from time to time. Parenting is the most selfless job out there.
The way I handed to today is I texted a friend and asked her to remind me I was a good mom. Of course by the time she got back to me which was only 30 minutes later the feeling had past. What it boils down to me that if you question, your a great parent.
You of course can try my trick but also want to know your tricks on how you remind yourself your a great parent!