11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Dealing With Disappointment
As a mother, husband, daughter and friend I am always dealing with disappointment. I find my self struggling a times dealing with it and have to remember how I can help myself regroup and get through another day.
- Therapy – Some of you might think that this should be at the end of the list, but really why? If you are struggling with how to deal with something and you have the know how to get the right help then therapy would be the easiest way to do that.
- Talking – Well, this does happen a lot in therapy of course but I mean talking to the party that disappointed you. I bet they have no clue they did and I am a big believer in letting others know how you feel.
- Coping – As painful as getting to the gym is, once I leave I always feel better and I am more able to handle my day. Exercising is my stress relief but you can do any of them in order to feel better and move forward.
- Breathe – Yes, we do this one by itself but still when you are upset it is a good idea to focus on your breathing and calm the world around you.
- Tomorrow is another day – When life gets too complicated, sleep is the best medicine you can have. Today was disappointing but there is nothing written that tomorrow needs to be the same way. Enjoy the fact that you can go to bed and wake up with zero disappointments on your plate!
I am sure there are other ways to deal with disappointment and of course there are many unhealthy ways to do it as well. Can you think of positive/optimistic ways to deal with disappointment? If so I would love to hear about it in the comment section.
Back To School
Whether it is this week, next week or it has already happened, back to school is in full swing. My children are young, but we are still getting excited for school. We got our back to school supplies, backpack is packed and lunch is ready for tomorrow. What does back to school mean to me?
Schedule-I hear from a lot of people that their schedules are more relaxed in the summer time. As I have learned from experience over and over again, children thrive on schedule and routine. It is great for them and great for us. Keep them on a schedule and share that schedule for them as well.
Activities-Along with those schedules comes all the activities that the fall brings. Whether its sports, dance or something else there is more activities than space in this blog. Just remember that the activities need to be fun and also have time for family and play. If there is a time when the schedule becomes too much, this is where you need to cut the time. Trust me, your children will survive and be thankful in the end.
Emotions-Whether its your own or your child’s emotions can flare up around the time of drop off or even pick up. Have enough time for your child, remember that there might have been something that upset them during the day and they are letting it out after school is over. Just take time and talk, make sure they are not hungry, tired or thirsty before those activities.
As always, this is a collaborative approach so if you have anything to add, please let me know.
All those things that I wish I was told when I was pregnant
I am a reader and love to read books. Of course when I found out I was pregnant, I started reading and reading and finally in my third trimester, I was done reading and felt that I was as prepared as I could be to be a mom. Boy was I wrong. There are so many things that are missing from those books and I thought I would share my top ones with you.
1. Ok, so your happy that you don’t have a period for 10 months, but after your baby is born, there is a period that defines all periods. The hospital gave me elephant pads and it was scary. Don’t worry, it ends but you might never have the same periods again.
2.Your body is different, yes there are people that go back to pre-pregnancy in an instant, but the norm is to take your time, my wedding band and engagement ring still do not fit, people’s feet change size and some never loose their bellies.
3.You do not have the time to worry about the temperature of the water when you go into the pool. I used to go into the pool slowly, not anymore since I have to be in there before the kids are.
4.How do you deal with the mom guilt when both children want your attention? I’m hoping someone has the answer for this one, because I surely do not.
All said and done, I would say my life with children is far more rewarding than without. Do you have any to add to this list? Please share your stories!
When should you say yes or no as a parent?
As a parent of 2 very stubborn children, I have had to learn very quickly when to pick my battles and when to stand my ground. This concept can also be known as when to say yes or when to say no. Here are some hard set lines on when I say no.
1. Respect– always say thank-you, please and you are welcome.
2. Violence-No hitting, biting, scratching or anything else. I do not do it to them so they will not do it to me or anyone else.
3. Personal hygiene-They need to take baths, brush teeth, brush hair, etc
Anything else is on a case by case basis. I have a way of letting them think they are getting there way when I really am. Saying yes is about figuring out what you are okay with and then find a way to compromise the rest. I want my children to be happy, but I also want them to grow up with rules and boundaries. It is a struggle everyday, but that is what support is for and tomorrow is always another day to fight the good fight called parenting!
Friendship
I have been thinking about friendship today and what it means to be a friend. I have found myself a lot of the times, being in the position where I am a better friend than people are to me. I have never really given thought to the idea on how many friends I need, I have always had enough love and support from those around me.
I have a few people in my life that are my primary support, mainly my husband and my family. I did a great thing and married my best friend. Well, he was not my best friend when I met him but he is now and he counts as the number one friend in my life. When I am upset, sad, happy, etc he is the one I tell first. Score for us for being that compatible that I feel that way about him. Does that mean that I am missing out on other friendships? Both my parents are next in line to tell when I have news to share, then my brother, then my friends. As a parent I have to always think of how my girls look at the world and if I am giving them everything they need. Do I need to have multiple friends for them to have people to play with? What does it mean to be a friend? To me, there is only one way to be a friend and that is all in, I cannot do superficial or just online friends. Not sure why but maybe it is because I am confident in myself that I do not need to be surrounded by a lot of people.
I want the best for my girls and I know that I am their primary role model for now and I want to show them how to have friendships that last and make them the best they can be.
How do you define friendship?
Traditions
I spent the day today with my family at Lion Country Safari and I can still remember going their myself as a child. I am happy to say that today was still a great memory as my previous ones as a child! As I was forming new memories with my children it got me thinking about traditions and how they are important to us. I can remember having my grandparents over for Friday night dinners as a child and when I got older, I would go out to breakfast with them every Saturday. Of course, I did not always enjoy getting up for breakfast or missing things on a Friday night but I do believe that the foundation that these traditions established for me as helped me as an adult.
My children are still young, so we do not have that many traditions as a family yet but after today, I would like that to change. We do eat breakfast together every morning and meal time is always a time for us to connect. We cannot always eat together of course but when we do, it is family time. I think we need to put down our phones, ipads, televisions, etc and work on connecting as a family more. I know that I benefited from it as a child and I can only hope that I can pass down those same values to my children.
Traditions can be anything that you do as a family. It does not have to be something that you did as a child but just something to connect as a family. I would love to hear about your traditions and how they have helped you connect with your family.
Affection
Okay, so I have two children and I have noticed lately that both of them show affection differently. I was curious if they really show affection differently or do I respond to them in different ways. I have one child who is as reserved as reserved can be, getting a hug out of her is a major accomplishment, then the other child is blowing kisses, reaching for hugs and always showing affection. I give them equal attention, show them equal affection and constantly tell them that I love them. I kiss and hug them all the time and when I get hugs and kisses back it makes my day. I am not a believer in pushing for affection so if I ask for a kiss and I get shut down, I am okay with it.
I was reading an article recently and the pro’s and cons of pushing for affection and I believe this is a charged issue with parents. I think about parents that give and give affection without getting anything in return such as with autistic children and then of course I feel bad about my need for affection. Bottom line for me is that I do know that both my children love me and they always know I love them, so the big question remains?
Should you force affection or take what you get?
First Session
So I have my business cards, website is coming alone nicely and now I am gearing up for my first client. I got office space in Coral Springs, FL and I am ready to go! As I am going back to work after taking time off to have my children, I am reminded how important a first session is to myself and to my clients. There is a debate that my fellow students/teachers had in graduate school as to when the first session started. Does it start with the first contact? Or when you sit across from your client? Are you nervous, excited, happy or something else to be in the therapy room? Therapy to me is such a cool experience and I feel blessed to be able to call myself a marriage and family therapist. I believe the first session starts at the first contact whether it is on the phone or email. There is a reason why you are seeking out a therapy and the most important part of therapy is feeling comfortable with your therapist so to me that is all the first session is about.
What do I mean about joining? It is about sitting down with someone whether it is one person doing individual therapy or 2 or more people doing marital or family therapy and just talking. I find that when people finally get to therapy there is a lot to say and it is my job to listen. Sometimes we as therapists get caught up in doing too much in the first session and I find that if you just focus on listening people will come back.
What do you believe should be the most important aspect of the first session?
Happiness
So I asked my 3 1/2 year old daughter yesterday how I can make her happy. What is so unhappy about her life that makes her scream and whine all the time? I cannot see anything except the drama that involves being 3. This discussion with her got me thinking on how we define happiness in our own lives. Are we happy when we are financial secure or is it more personal than that. We have all heard the phrase money does not buy happiness so why is it that so many of us no matter of our financial situations are unhappy? Is it personal goals that make us happy? Are you always striving for something more which leads to a feeling of unhappiness? How do we work on happiness?
- For one thing you need to be okay with yourself, meaning being alone and finding things to do to make you happy.
- Are you always trying to impress others? Does this lead to a feeling of never being happy? The only person you need to impress is yourself.
- Do you have a hobby? Find enjoyment in life in all the things you do.
- Do you use your vacation time? If not request time off NOW! It is so important to leave work and have fun!
- Are you struggling with work or home issues? If so find the route of the problem and work, work, work on it.
- Do for yourself, treat yourself to happiness each day, find a rainbow, take a minute and look out the window or just help someone across the street.
What makes you happy? Let us know how you achieve happiness!
Discipline
I was at my wits end yesterday with one of my daughters and it got me to thinking about all the different types of discipline out there and which one is the best method? I was shopping with my girls and I saw a mom hit her daughter on the arm for doing a minor infraction and I was thinking to myself that my girls do not know how patient I am with them. My oldest daughter is 3 ½ now and she gives me a run for my money. So which are the best types of discipline especially when you are at your wits end as I am all the time!
Time outs – Personally, I think these are more for the adults than the children. It gives us some time to cool off and deal with the discipline in a calm manner. I am sure that I am not the only one that has gotten so upset when their child did something and needed a few minutes to calm down before dealing with the problem and the consequences.
Addressing the problem – In our house there are some offenses that are immediate time-outs such as hitting, biting or talking back, unfortunately I have had to add covering when coughing since that seems to be the new defiance moment. Mostly, I believe that addressing the problem immediately works well for us. We had to do major work to get our daughter to understand how to apologize for her actions. Did I mention how stubborn she is? Now, when she knows she did something wrong it is say you’re sorry or go to time out? She mostly will say her sorry immediately and I know when she really means it. That is another one, I hear children apologize all the time but they just say it. I do believe it is important to mean what you say so if you believe your child is just apologizing to do it and not really mean it then you might have to take an additional step in reintroducing what saying I’m sorry really means.
Spanking – I believe that violence leads to violence and there is way too much violence around us for myself to be spreading it in our house. Saying that there are times when you feel the need to spank your child. Just make sure you are calm when you do it, because if you are not you might regret how you hit and what you are teaching by hitting. The law states if you leave a mark on your child it is child abuse and you can get into trouble. Unfortunately it does not apply to the reverse. If your child hits you that need to be address immediately and you need to work out what is going on and how you can fix the situation before it gets out of hand. Remember they might be young now, but they will grow and get stronger so the sooner you get a handle on the hitting, biting, scratching, etc. the better for you!
Consequences – My rule of thumb for these are do not make one unless it works for you. Back to the time out, this is what they are for. It is so much better to wait to give the consequence or even let your child choose their own consequence. They usually pick something so much better than you could have thought of. If you make a consequence, stick to it makes it a reasonable amount of time and appropriate to the action.
Did I leave any discipline methods out? Let me know in the comment section.