11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Tag Archives: working on your relationship
Sparking Joy in Your Relationship
Are you on the tidying up kick? I’ve always been on the tidying up kick so I’m a bit amused by all this hoopla about this new show that tells how to tidy up. I do love the phrase, “Keep what brings you joy!” Pretty cool to think that you can find joy in things and only have what brings you joy in your life. So, who’s done it? Who has rid themselves of all that evil in your life? Do you only have folded clothes? Did you donate a bunch of stuff that doesn’t bring you joy? If you did, are you filled with joy now?
Umm, what’s missing from this picture? Let’s talk about how to bring joy to your relationship!
- Yes, it’s me not you – Next time you watch that show, go to that movie or anything, ask yourself if you want to do it or you’re doing it for your partner. If it’s just for them, let’s redo this and find things that make you happy.
- You feel supported by household chores – Have you found a way to find peace with the laundry? Do you enjoy sorting clothes? If the answer is big NO WAY, then hand that task off and find ones that you can handle. There is so much to do, make sure you’re doing the ones that work for you.
- I am an extrovert/introvert – Which one are you? If you are with someone who is the opposite of you (of course you are), you’re probably doing a lot of compromising on what brings you joy. Find things to do that make you happy. Go to the concert or stay at home for the day. Don’t wait for your partner to bring you joy, figure it out together.
- Those kids are both of yours – Please split up parenting responsibilities. Even better, have them do things on their own. Children are supposed to be a joy, right? Let’s figure out a way to make them part of your joy.
I’m going to stop there because this is about your joy, not mine. I really want to focus on the fact there are no rules here. Forget what someone is telling you to do and do what makes you happy. There is “Couples Time” where you compromise and there is “YOU” time which means it’s all about you.
Find your joy in yourself and bring it to your relationship!!
Can’t wait to hear what brings you joy and if your partner is high or low on your joy list!
Priorities, Priorities and More Priorities
Who’s busy today? It’s Tuesday, not Monday, but it seems as each day of the week is busier than the next. I know that for me, the weekdays are easier than the weekends because there’s a better schedule for me, but still, craziness at all levels.
So how do you find time to have a great relationship? What does that even mean?
As a couples therapist, I have heard this phrase a lot, “We just don’t have the time to spend together.” Or, yeah, we travel, but our children/child is always with us. How are we supposed to do things alone when we have so many other obligations?
Umm, anyone that knows me will know what I am about to say!
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
I know what you are going to say about this? Well, how about “me” time? Or who will get the kids to their activities, etc etc. The list can go on and on with reasons that you can’t spend time together, but let me make this very clear by saying it again.
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
There are a lot of excuses that you can make for not working on your relationship, but remember that if you don’t work on your relationship, it won’t just keep working.
Here’s some things you can do in our fast crazy world to make time for each other!
- Dates – C’mon, you can do this! At home, during the day, at night, on the weekends. Just do it!
- Rituals of Connections – Here’s the whole list of rituals of connection. Just pick a few and do them.
- Technology freeze – Put down those devices and just talk to each other, read together, listen to music together, take a bath together!
- Sneaky stuff – Act like you love each other. Kiss, hug and do romantic gestures when each other is least expecting it!!
- Talk it out – If your mad at each other, remember that you both love each other and you are both right! Talk it out and remember the good stuff!
I know, it’s hard to do
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If you want something to work, please remember that you need to put effort into it. Not only when things are bad. Put the effort in when things are good so they can stay that way!!
Can’t wait to hear how you prioritize your relationship!!
Your bed or mine?
As a couple’s therapist I meet couples who want to work on their relationship of course and I have noticed that more and more couples do not sleep in the same bed together for various of reasons so i ask the simple question, should couples sleep in the same bed?
The Pros
Connection
Okay, yes if you have an enormous bed this might not apply to you but if you have a queen size bed like I do, then you can relate. At some point in the night, you will be in contact with your partner and that forms a connection.
Better Sleep
This can go both ways but I’m going to say that couples that sleep together get better sleep. Why, you ask? Because you have learned to ignore the outside noises that your partner makes and can overlook things. Better to sleep with for sure!
Pillow Talk
Along with the physical connection, you can have an emotional connection. We use our before bedtime for our “talk about the day ritual.” You can use it however you choose to, but do something to help you connect.
Couple Before Parents
Just going to put this one out there because it’s so needed. You are a couple and when your little lovies go to sleep, they are sleeping in their own beds, not in yours. That is the time for you to recharge, rejoice and enjoy being a couple.
The Cons
Different Schedules
If one of you works days and one of you works nights, then you cannot sleep together. If you can have a nap together at some point in the day, take it!
Health Problems
If one of you is sick or going through medical problems, then it makes sense to sleep apart, if it can be temporary then that’s best.
Fighting
Okay, I’m going to throw out the old myth that you should make up before bed. Sometimes you just can’t and you need a break from each other and that’s okay as long as you make-up and talk about it.
Sleep For Your Children
I’m a big believer in having children sleep in their own rooms, if you are working on this and need to sleep in there to get them used to it, go ahead, it’s only temporary.
Drum Roll Please
The bottom line is you should always sleep together. Yes, there are reasons you will need to sleep apart and let’s make sure that those are temporary. Sometimes it’s just easier to sleep apart, and we all know relationships are not easy. Take the time to make things work and work on it. If you need to sleep apart, still have those cuddle times and those “pillow talks”.
Do you sleep together or apart? I’m waiting to hear!
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Take our communication and intimacy quiz if you want to see how connected you are https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/communication
Take a FREE Quiz: Communication and Intimacy
Is it a party of one or two?
So, who goes out to dinner alone? If you do, do you fully embrace the experience or do you bring a book to read? I’ve done it a few times and sometimes it’s okay, other times I would like company. I guess that’s me and eating is a social thing for me.
What about other activities? Would you go to the movies alone? That’s a little different than eating by yourself, at least for me it is. What about going to therapy alone to work on your relationship? What do we think of that?
I’m a couple’s therapist and I work with couples. Could I work with one person in the couple to help the relationship? That’s what we are going to talk about today and when it’s appropriate to have a party of one or two!
Let’s start with individual therapy
You want to improve yourself for your partner
To me this is the #1 reason people come see me individually. Let’s say you have something from your past or something from your present that holds you back from fully engaging. Talking alone could help with your relationship.
You want to start therapy but your partner doesn’t
It happens, you are looking for changes, your partner doesn’t think there should be changes. Yes, it’s okay to call and come in yourself. You can bring those changes home with you. It’s called the “ripple effect” One change can lead to multiple changes. Always worth trying.
Your partner tells you that you need to be FIXED!
I love this one and yes it’s true that people need to be fixed, but the system needs to be fixed. It takes 2 people to fight or 2 people to be good together. If you need to be fixed, sure let’s work on what needs to be fixed.
Couples together time
Communication
If you have trouble communicating, let’s work on it in the same room. The only way we are going to make changes if we work together on this.
Intimacy
Ok, you’re thinking of more annoyances than love lately. When was the last time you kissed your partner? If intimacy has faded, then it’s a good idea to work on the reasons it faded and how we can get it back.
Big life decisions
If you have disagreements on the big stuff which to me is parenting, money or religion to name a few, let’s talk about it together once we work on the communication and the intimacy!
Affairs
Yes, as hard as it is, and I’m not going to lie, it is very hard to work on, if you are going to recover, you both need to be committed to working on it together. It is possible and yes it is challenging.
Change only happens if change occurs
There are always more in each category but the bottom line is, if you want to work together, come in together, if your partner is not ready, come in by yourself.
Whomever is willing to do the work, that person will change and hopefully your relationship will change.
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
We’re into the month of January, so how are those New Year’s plans coming along? Are you working on yourself? Are you thinking about going back to school or changing jobs? Have you been thinking about your relationship lately and how it’s going? How often do you think about leaving your relationship? What are your motivation for staying?
Let’s break down the reasons to stay or leave
Reasons for staying!
Love – Okay, I picked an easy one to start with. Yes, but do you still love your partner? If you do, then staying is an easy decision to make because whatever’s going on doesn’t seem so bad compared to how you feel about your partner.
Compatibility – Do you agree about the big stuff? Are you able to find shows to watch together? Is picking dinner a battle? If you agree on the big stuff, then that is something to really think about when you’re looking at the big picture.
Communication – How well do you communicate? Do your needs get met? If they do, that’s golden and to me, that’s the #1 reason to stay. If you and your partner communicate well together, you are set for life!
Work well together – Have you been talking forever about things and they don’t get resolved or have you seen improvements on the thousands of things that need to change? If you’re both working on things and willing to keep working on them, that’s the real deal right there!
Reasons for leaving!
Children/family – So, are you wondering why I put this here? Staying for the sake of the children is a bad idea. Lots of people do it but some realize that they don’t have to and their children will be okay if they are separated. Your children want you to be happy, not just for them but truly happy. If you cannot do that together then it’s okay to separate.
Abuse/Addiction – I’m going to put these two together because they have similar qualities to them. If you’re with someone that has an addiction or is abusive to you and will not get help for themselves, then that’s a reason to leave. It’s okay to and you can do it!
Changed directions – What about the situation that we hear about all the time that you drift apart. It happens. Life takes on new roles for people. If you weren’t working on staying connected and you’re in new places in your life, then maybe splitting up is good for you or maybe you can try, up to you.
No passion – Okay, we get it, together for 20 years, yes, the passion dies down, but what’s left in its place? There needs to be something there to connect you two. If not, you’re better off leaving.
And what about infidelity?
Okay, not sure if you’re wondering why i didn’t add cheating to either of these lists? Since, affair work is my passion and it’s what I do, I can say that it falls into both categories depending on the situation and how it’s dealt with. It’s easier to leave, but so much more rewarding to stay and work through things.
So, who agrees with my list? Anything I majorly missed? Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
And if you’re thinking about therapy, take this free quiz now https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling
Move Your Marriage to a Better Place
A guest blog by Tanja Fridolfs, http://tanjafridolfs.com
HERE ARE 3 TIPS TO GET YOU THINKING AND WORKING TOWARDS A BETTER MARRIAGE
Communication is one of the main issues couples tell me they struggle with. While I hold to the idea, that there is often much more going on than just lack of communication skills, there is something to be said for being an effective communicator.Read More
The 5 1/2 hour a week fix to your relationship!
How much time do you think you should spend on your relationship each week? The Gottman Method for Couple’s therapy has come up with a concept called The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week. What does this mean to you and me as people in relationships with busy lives and work, children and external stressors getting in the way of spending time together? It means that this is how much time you should spend on your relationship each week in order to keep your relationship working. Here is how to do it!
Parting: Don’t part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner’s day, and kiss for a minimum of six seconds. Two minutes a day x 5 working days. Total 10 minutes
Reunions: The six second kiss. The stress reducing conversation. Each partner take 10 minutes to talk about your day. Partner does active listening. Give support. Rule: Understanding must precede advice. Twenty minutes a day x five days. Total 1 hour and 40 minutes.
Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation for your partner. Five minutes a day x seven days. Total: 35 minutes
Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, touch each other. Play is good. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep, and what ever else you think of. Five minutes a day x seven days Total 35 minutes
Love Maps: Update your love maps (means to know each other and what is going on in your life). Turn towards each other. Go out on a relationship day for at least 2 hours once a week. Think of great questions to ask your partner while on your date or just in general. Total: At least 2 hours.
Aftermath of a fight. This is a technique used in the Gottman Method therapy to resolve conflict and make sure both sides are heard. The speaker talks about their feelings, tells their story and the listener responds with understanding of what the listener is saying. Then you switch roles. This is a great exercise to use after a fight to understand both partners feelings. Total: Thirty minutes once a week.
To start out this might seem as if it is a lot of work and hard to do but try to incorporate what you can slowly and work on adding the full five and one-half hours to your week to stay connected, talk about feelings instead of problem solve, and learn how to express emotions.
If you have any further questions about this, please do not hesitate to ask.