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How to Be More Intimate with Your Partner
When most people hear the word intimacy, their mind first goes to the physical aspects of a relationship. While physical intimacy is important in a relationship, there are more ways to be intimate with your partner than just that.
Maybe things haven’t felt right for a while in your relationship. You might feel distant from your spouse or partner as if you aren’t connecting meaningfully. Or, there may have been a situation resulting in a loss of trust, and now you can’t find common ground again.
Whatever the reasoning, loss of intimacy in a relationship is normal. While it’s challenging, many couples will notice an ebb and flow to their relationship and overall health. However, that does not mean there aren’t ways to let yourself be intimate with your partner.
What Is Intimacy?
First, let’s define the different types of intimacy in a relationship. A couple will have two main areas of intimacy — physical and emotional. Physical intimacy, of course, can refer to things like sex, hugging, kissing, or even something as simple as holding hands.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as those things, however. It includes the connection you feel with another person, how well you relate to them, and the amount of trust, understanding, and honesty within a relationship.
How to Increase Intimacy In A Relationship
Change Things Up
There likely isn’t a couple who hasn’t fallen into the same cycle with their partner. Over time, you stick to the same routine that you are used to. You go to the same places for date night, cook the same things for dinner, or spend your time together in the same ways.
Don’t be afraid to shake things up. Are routines comfortable and safe? You know what to expect, and humans like to know that. But don’t feel shy about changing things up, whether in the bedroom or in general. Try new activities or hobbies together that might seem interesting. Try that new restaurant in town that you typically wouldn’t think about going to.
In many ways, doing something new with your partner can help you feel the spark again. They do say, after all, to never stop dating your partner.
Show Each Other Gratitude
At the beginning of your relationship, you likely spent plenty of time appreciating your partner. Over time, many couples will slowly stop showing their appreciation for each other. It’s not that they don’t; you just tend to forget to. You may know you appreciate them, but do you think they know that?
Remind each other of your appreciation. Thank each other for the little things, like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher. Thank them for cooking dinner or doing something for you that took time out of their day.
Doing these little things can go a long way in bringing back intimacy into your lives.
Communicate With Each Other
This may seem like a given, but it often is not that easy. It’s not uncommon for one partner to assume that the other knows how they feel. Or that they know their thought process or reasoning behind a certain action. You should never make assumptions that your partner will automatically know something. That is why communication is vital, whether you have been together for 2 years or 22.
Be sure that you treat one another with respect when communicating. Yes, there are going to be disagreements. There will be times when you honestly can’t stand to be in the same room as them. However, remember this is the person you are choosing to be with.
Treating each other with respect, openly communicating, and being honest with each other can help you feel more connected at the end of the day.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to learn more about couples therapy. You can get to the root cause of what is happening in your relationship to cause a lack of intimacy and, most importantly, find ways to repair it.
Table for one, please
Happy summer to you. I hope you’re doing well. This topic was on my mind since my children are in camp and I have some time to myself without the hassle and bustle of school.
What does it mean to be in a relationship but still yourself?
I get when people say, yeah, when they’re with me, they’re my partner, but not with me, they act as if they’re single.
Nope, that’s NOT okay in my book, is it okay in your book?
What do you do if you want to make changes in your relationship but your partner is a hard NO WAY to counseling. This is couples counseling for one!
First, let’s break down some of the reasons your partner doesn’t want to come to counseling.
- Counseling is scary- Anyone that has been in my room knows counseling is NOT scary, it’s real for sure. Especially with me because there’s no sugar coating things, but your relationship can be scary at times as well.
- I’m content and happy- This might be completely true. Your partner might not have anything to work on and you want them to come to counseling to work on things. This can also go back to the scary part.
- Busy, busy, busy- Yep, this is real and you are busy and you need to find some time to work on your stuff. Travel, children, work, life, etc all take up time. Hint hint, your relationship does as well!
Okay, these are just a few reasons someone might not want to come to couples counseling. Do you see anywhere on that list that your partner doesn’t love you? Nope, just because your partner isn’t ready to go to counseling with you doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they’re not ready.
What does all this mean for you?
Of course you can come to counseling by yourself! We can work on your relationship if your partner is not in the room, will just be us working on things for you to bring home to your partner. Can you grow together if only one of you is working? Yep, you can! And I’d like to challenge you to come in, see how it works and realize that there’s hope.
If you’re thinking about counseling, you love counseling but your partner doesn’t, then couples counseling for one is perfect for you.
Spread the word
Let everyone know that you can go to counseling by yourself even if you’re in a relationship just like you can go to eat by yourself and proudly say, “Table for one.”
I just updated my counsleing for one page and here’s the link https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/therapy-services/marriage-therapy/counseling-for-one/
I look forward to hearing what you think about couples counseling for one!
Your bed or mine?
As a couple’s therapist I meet couples who want to work on their relationship of course and I have noticed that more and more couples do not sleep in the same bed together for various of reasons so i ask the simple question, should couples sleep in the same bed?
The Pros
Connection
Okay, yes if you have an enormous bed this might not apply to you but if you have a queen size bed like I do, then you can relate. At some point in the night, you will be in contact with your partner and that forms a connection.
Better Sleep
This can go both ways but I’m going to say that couples that sleep together get better sleep. Why, you ask? Because you have learned to ignore the outside noises that your partner makes and can overlook things. Better to sleep with for sure!
Pillow Talk
Along with the physical connection, you can have an emotional connection. We use our before bedtime for our “talk about the day ritual.” You can use it however you choose to, but do something to help you connect.
Couple Before Parents
Just going to put this one out there because it’s so needed. You are a couple and when your little lovies go to sleep, they are sleeping in their own beds, not in yours. That is the time for you to recharge, rejoice and enjoy being a couple.
The Cons
Different Schedules
If one of you works days and one of you works nights, then you cannot sleep together. If you can have a nap together at some point in the day, take it!
Health Problems
If one of you is sick or going through medical problems, then it makes sense to sleep apart, if it can be temporary then that’s best.
Fighting
Okay, I’m going to throw out the old myth that you should make up before bed. Sometimes you just can’t and you need a break from each other and that’s okay as long as you make-up and talk about it.
Sleep For Your Children
I’m a big believer in having children sleep in their own rooms, if you are working on this and need to sleep in there to get them used to it, go ahead, it’s only temporary.
Drum Roll Please
The bottom line is you should always sleep together. Yes, there are reasons you will need to sleep apart and let’s make sure that those are temporary. Sometimes it’s just easier to sleep apart, and we all know relationships are not easy. Take the time to make things work and work on it. If you need to sleep apart, still have those cuddle times and those “pillow talks”.
Do you sleep together or apart? I’m waiting to hear!
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Take our communication and intimacy quiz if you want to see how connected you are https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/communication
Take a FREE Quiz: Communication and Intimacy
Is it a party of one or two?
So, who goes out to dinner alone? If you do, do you fully embrace the experience or do you bring a book to read? I’ve done it a few times and sometimes it’s okay, other times I would like company. I guess that’s me and eating is a social thing for me.
What about other activities? Would you go to the movies alone? That’s a little different than eating by yourself, at least for me it is. What about going to therapy alone to work on your relationship? What do we think of that?
I’m a couple’s therapist and I work with couples. Could I work with one person in the couple to help the relationship? That’s what we are going to talk about today and when it’s appropriate to have a party of one or two!
Let’s start with individual therapy
You want to improve yourself for your partner
To me this is the #1 reason people come see me individually. Let’s say you have something from your past or something from your present that holds you back from fully engaging. Talking alone could help with your relationship.
You want to start therapy but your partner doesn’t
It happens, you are looking for changes, your partner doesn’t think there should be changes. Yes, it’s okay to call and come in yourself. You can bring those changes home with you. It’s called the “ripple effect” One change can lead to multiple changes. Always worth trying.
Your partner tells you that you need to be FIXED!
I love this one and yes it’s true that people need to be fixed, but the system needs to be fixed. It takes 2 people to fight or 2 people to be good together. If you need to be fixed, sure let’s work on what needs to be fixed.
Couples together time
Communication
If you have trouble communicating, let’s work on it in the same room. The only way we are going to make changes if we work together on this.
Intimacy
Ok, you’re thinking of more annoyances than love lately. When was the last time you kissed your partner? If intimacy has faded, then it’s a good idea to work on the reasons it faded and how we can get it back.
Big life decisions
If you have disagreements on the big stuff which to me is parenting, money or religion to name a few, let’s talk about it together once we work on the communication and the intimacy!
Affairs
Yes, as hard as it is, and I’m not going to lie, it is very hard to work on, if you are going to recover, you both need to be committed to working on it together. It is possible and yes it is challenging.
Change only happens if change occurs
There are always more in each category but the bottom line is, if you want to work together, come in together, if your partner is not ready, come in by yourself.
Whomever is willing to do the work, that person will change and hopefully your relationship will change.
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
We’re into the month of January, so how are those New Year’s plans coming along? Are you working on yourself? Are you thinking about going back to school or changing jobs? Have you been thinking about your relationship lately and how it’s going? How often do you think about leaving your relationship? What are your motivation for staying?
Let’s break down the reasons to stay or leave
Reasons for staying!
Love – Okay, I picked an easy one to start with. Yes, but do you still love your partner? If you do, then staying is an easy decision to make because whatever’s going on doesn’t seem so bad compared to how you feel about your partner.
Compatibility – Do you agree about the big stuff? Are you able to find shows to watch together? Is picking dinner a battle? If you agree on the big stuff, then that is something to really think about when you’re looking at the big picture.
Communication – How well do you communicate? Do your needs get met? If they do, that’s golden and to me, that’s the #1 reason to stay. If you and your partner communicate well together, you are set for life!
Work well together – Have you been talking forever about things and they don’t get resolved or have you seen improvements on the thousands of things that need to change? If you’re both working on things and willing to keep working on them, that’s the real deal right there!
Reasons for leaving!
Children/family – So, are you wondering why I put this here? Staying for the sake of the children is a bad idea. Lots of people do it but some realize that they don’t have to and their children will be okay if they are separated. Your children want you to be happy, not just for them but truly happy. If you cannot do that together then it’s okay to separate.
Abuse/Addiction – I’m going to put these two together because they have similar qualities to them. If you’re with someone that has an addiction or is abusive to you and will not get help for themselves, then that’s a reason to leave. It’s okay to and you can do it!
Changed directions – What about the situation that we hear about all the time that you drift apart. It happens. Life takes on new roles for people. If you weren’t working on staying connected and you’re in new places in your life, then maybe splitting up is good for you or maybe you can try, up to you.
No passion – Okay, we get it, together for 20 years, yes, the passion dies down, but what’s left in its place? There needs to be something there to connect you two. If not, you’re better off leaving.
And what about infidelity?
Okay, not sure if you’re wondering why i didn’t add cheating to either of these lists? Since, affair work is my passion and it’s what I do, I can say that it falls into both categories depending on the situation and how it’s dealt with. It’s easier to leave, but so much more rewarding to stay and work through things.
So, who agrees with my list? Anything I majorly missed? Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
And if you’re thinking about therapy, take this free quiz now https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling
It’s not you, it’s me
Hi and hope are doing well! I get on these kicks and my clients know that and put up with me and I want to share my last kick with you as well. No, it’s not you, it’s me. Who really believes it when someone says this to them? Have you ever had a break-up in your life and you heard this phrase? If so, welcome to the club. This phrase can be so hard to hear and I have finally cracked the code on what it means to me and I just wanted to share with you!
No, it’s not you, it’s me relates to the kick I’ve been on that deals with what you can control.
What you can control breaks down to this:
What you do and How you react
Seems pretty simple right, but how does this affect your relationship? Well, how many times have you blamed your partner for getting you upset? Have you really looked at those times and asked yourself, hey self how could I have reacted differently or what should I do differently next time?
Let’s break this down even further to what really changes a conversation to a fight. It’s called triggers and those are the things that really prevent you from controlling how you act and how you react. I can be the calmest person, but if I get triggered, watch out, either relationship tiger or mama bear can come out and attack at any moment.
What are some triggers and how do we notice them?
What Triggered Me…
- I felt excluded I felt powerless I felt unheard I felt scolded
- I felt judged I felt blamed I felt disrespected I felt lack of attention
- I felt uncared for I felt lonely I felt ignored I felt controlled
- I felt forgotten I felt unsafe I felt unloved I felt frustrated
- I felt disconnected I felt trapped I felt lack of passion I felt manipulated
You notice how all of these start with “I felt”?
I will tell you that when you are in an argument with someone that you love and you get triggered, it’s not them that causes you to get triggered, it’s you. Triggers are within us and they can control us or help us understand better.
Do you know your triggers? Did you know that you were getting triggered each time you had a fight about how you were feeling inside? If you didn’t know, this is the time to self reflect and start to understand what gets you upset and what triggers you, then you can begin to understand more about the concept, no, it’s not you, it’s me. Once you understand your triggers, or can at least identify one, reach out and let me know how you stopped yourself from getting upset.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Ready to Move Forward?
We are approaching the end of the year! Yes, we made it through another year! Love it! And love that we’re covering so much content in these newsletters together.
So, if you don’t already know how I feel about resolutions (ya know the things where you say you’re going to do all these new things in your life and then maybe you will do them or maybe you won’t) instead, I like to reflect back on what has worked this past year and how I can improve on it for next year.
Resolve to not have Resolutions
Work
Makes sense that I put this first right? Would you put this first? Seems to me that work is the easiest place in our lives to notice how well we are doing. Did you get that promotion or that bonus you were looking for? Are you where you want to be in your career? Think about all that you have done with work this year and let’s remember how great we are!
Relationship
I have to admit that I was going to put family next, but I changed my mind. I talk about relationships a lot and it’s pretty much where I focus most of my energy since it’s my work as well.
How’s your relationship going? Are you fighting less or more? Dating or ignoring each other? Take a minute and realize that if you look at it over the whole year, it might look different than just day to day!
Family
I think we can lump kids, parents, pets, etc into this category because they all take up equal amounts of my time. This past year, my parents and pets took up more time than my children so I’m looking forward to making them more of a priority next year. Who did you focus on this year? Was it worth it to you? Do you feel as if you have an energy left for yourself? Remember, 50% of your energy goes to you, 50% goes to everyone else. Raise your hand if you spend more than 50% on everyone else? Yes, let’s work to change that number up even if it’s just 1%.
Me time
Lastly and most importantly, is the me category. I put this last because for the most part that’s where we put ourselves and we need to have enough energy to be kind to ourselves. Let’s try to move this category up a few notches next year. We are working on ourselves now and for the future. What do you want to change? I want to learn how to self reflect and understand how I”m feeling when someone gets me upset. I’m going to start to work on it today!
Yes, the moral is that we don’t need lists, goals or resolutions to help us move forward with our lives. We need ourselves mostly and to stay connected to the ones around us.
I’m going to work on myself and find the areas that need to be changed, stay the same or let go.
I’m excited to hear what you are working on. Please reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know how you are doing.
I”m going to reflect and think about what I want to bring to you for the new year. If you have any topics that you are interested in, please let me know!!
Cheers for now and let’s move forward!
Top 5 Reasons People Cheat
You saw the title, the Top 5 Reasons People Cheat. What do you think the number #1 infidelity reason is? Do you think it’s sex addiction? If you do, you’re wrong. Do you think that people that cheat end up divorced? Nope, not if I can help it.
What happens to make a relationship fall apart?
Life Happens
Yes, this sounds so vague, but it’s so true. You’re together for how many years? Your children sleep in your bed, you don’t get dressed for the day, date nights are laughable events that just don’t happen and you just drift apart.
Communication
Well, it’s really that you stop communicating when you find yourself drifting apart. Can you remember the last time you two just sat down and talked about things? Do you find yourself being able to talk to someone else more easily? Is that person a friend or is that person more than a friend?
Stressors
I’m talking about the life events that happen such as health problems, change in financial status or problems with extended family. Anything that affects both of you very much and you don’t deal with it. You just go along as if life is fine, until one day it isn’t and you don’t know how to handle things. These stressors can make you turn to the person that you can talk to, have fun with and forget about the stressors for awhile.
No More Fighting
You just read “no more fighting” and thought “Yeah!! This is a good thing right?” Wrong! When you stop fighting, you stop caring. If you care what your partner thinks, does, or says, then you’re still in it. When you get to the point that you just give up and are burnt out, that is the time that you reach out to the “other person.”
It Just Happens
I know, you don’t believe me but yes, it does just happen. It’s a mistake or things are bad or you want to act like a different person when you travel. It does just happen when all of the other things are not in place, so we will need to keep those things in place in order for those temptations at bay.
What Happens Afterwards?
I’m here to tell you that most people say that cheating is a deal breaker, but it’s 100% not the truth at all. If you’re together, whether married or just in a relationship for 20 years, that is a lot to give up for mistakes that have happened along the way. Give yourself a few moments to breathe and let’s see if we can work on this together for you.
I’m here to help and this is what I do. I guide couples through the ups and downs of this raw, emotional time. You don’t have to know what you want, you just have to show up and let the process work for you.
Thanks for listening and if you want more information on how we work on affair recovery, you can check out this https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/gottman-method/infidelity-therapy/
Relationship Load
What’s Relationship Load?
I read a really good article the other day about how much we take on in our lives and how it can overload us to the point where we can’t do simple tasks. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think the need for “underloading” has come and I think there’s also a need to underload in your relationship as well.
What the heck am I talking about when I say underload in your relationship?
Read More
Compatibility 101
Compatibility
Hello everyone! Because of my flexible schedule of working evenings and weekends, I get the chance to volunteer for my girls classes. I do art projects once a month and as the school year dwindles down, they’re coming to an endRead More