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Tag Archives: Couples
I’m angry! Are you?
Happy summer to you! I sometimes talk about myself in sessions and I always get looks of relief to know that yes, I get mad at my husband, my kids, my family and YES, I am human.
Here’s the trick to anger, at least for me. It’s really how you deal with it that is how you feel afterwards.
I’m kind of a sensitive person and I take things to heart. I’m also a giver and I love to make other people happy. I know these things about myself and I also know that I’m a yeller and my husband is the quiet one.
I really don’t like being the yeller in the family. If you meet me, you wouldn’t think I’m the yeller so you know what I did one day? I decided I wasn’t going to yell anymore! You ask me how I did that? I really didn’t like the way I felt after yelling was over. Besides the fact that my throat was hurting me, I really didn’t like who I was. Yes, I was a bit scary.
How do you change?
So, how do you change something about yourself when you want to? Let’s break it down.
Know thyself!
I couldn’t really do this if I didn’t understand why I was yelling. I could blame my husband for this because he’s the silent one and I need communication, but what good would that do. I had to really look deep into myself and figure out the reasons I was yelling. Once I did that, I was able to change the way I spoke when I got angry.
No blaming
As I just said, it’s so easy to blame someone else. “Well, if they would talk more, I wouldn’t yell so much.” Nope, no way, that’s not how it works. Nobody makes you do anything. If I want to change myself, I have to change myself. Changing the people around me is not going to work.
Less stress, more calm
I like to think I’m a calm person, but if I’m yelling, am I really a calm person? Nope. So what can I do to calm myself when I feel like yelling? I can exercise, take some deep breaths, read, or anything to calm me down instead of yelling.
Trial and error
Anytime you want to change something about yourself, it is tough stuff! Even if you know it’s good for you to do, give yourself some breaks, please. We are so hard on ourselves and we need to be gentle. If you mess up, try again. Eventually, you will get it if you work hard enough on it.
So, do I still get angry?
Of course I do, it’s part of life and I’m only human. Do I yell still? Not so much and I feel as if I’ve grown from it. Yes, it’s possible to evolve if you want to.
Do you want to change how you deal with anything? If so, give me a shout and let me know.
It’s not me, perhaps it’s not you either
I get a ton of calls and emails about counseling and I’ve helped people out who aren’t a good fit for me. It gets a bit more complicated when you are looking for couple’s therapy and then the conversation goes a bit deeper.
Let’s see if we are a good fit to work together.
Not a Good Fit
- You are looking for someone that takes insurance – Okay, here’s my take on insurance. With any insurance company they need a diagnosis. Even if you are going to individual therapy, they will require a diagnosis. Who thinks there’s a diagnosis for couples’ therapy? There isn’t, but unfortunately, there still needs to be an identified patient and only one person gets billed. Nope, not what I’m into. I’ll happily help you submit your receipts to get reimbursed, but that’s up to you. I’ll also suggest if you want to use your insurance, look at your insurance panel for people in your network!
- If you are working on something that your not willing to share – I can only help you if you let me. If you hide things from me and hide things from yourself, then therapy will not be a good fit and I especially will not be a good fit.
- You’re not ready to change – Therapy only works if you want it to work. If you’re coming to make your partner happy or thinking they’ll change because you came, then it won’t work out for us.
Let’s Work Together
- Ready, set, go – You’ve done the work to accept that things need to be different and you’re willing to make changes in yourself.
- Regularity is the key – As with everything, the more you do it, the easier it is. Practice makes perfect. Why oh why do we not prioritize our own relationships and self-care? If you’re starting therapy, let’s make a commitment to set aside some time for it. It’s just an hour of your day and it’s so very cool when you’re present and ready to work!
- You’re ready but your partner isn’t – Being happy or even content in your life has nothing to do with anyone else. If you’re ready, pick up the phone and make an appointment. If you’re not, then don’t. If you’re waiting for the right time, I can tell you there is no right time. Let’s do this.
I’m interested helping, right?
There are a ton more reasons to work together than not. I’m only interested in helping people become better versions of themselves or remember why you fell in love with all those lovely quirks but now they annoy you.
When you make the decision to go to therapy, it should be a huge relief because now you have someone that can help you understand all those things that you don’t understand yourself. Shew, sounds good right. Hope so, let’s put the NOT’s aside and thing of the reasons to do this.
Look forward to connecting soon.
If you’re wondering if therapy is right for you, here’s a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling
More than just surviving
Happy Spring Break and more than happy to be back in the groove today!!! I had the pleasure of going on a vacation last week and since it was a short trip, we decided to drive. Each way was about 9 hours and the way up we did it straight through and on the way back we broke up the trip. Boy oh boy was it an adventure.
I’m not saying that in a negative way, I’m saying that it was awesome!!!
Time to get my point right?
Well, it was a family trip and since we’re always a couple, we look for ways to stay connected when we travel. Anyone know what I mean? Do I mean you drop the kids off at a camp? Nope, not on this trip.
As I constantly say, you’re always a couple and you’re always working on your relationship. Here’s some tips that I found helpful to stay connected on this trip.
- Separate Rooms – If you can swing this, I highly recommend it. We are very fortunate that when we travel, we can rent houses now which accommodate families. (AirBNB? Yes please!) And yes, sleeping with your partner alone on a family trip can do wonders for intimacy.
- Adult Time – Anyone continue their rituals of connections when they travel? If you do, great! If you don’t, let’s come up with a few travel rituals that work for both of you and start using them ASAP.
- Talk it out – Yes, of course there were a few tense moments on the trip, especially in the car. If your partner is upsetting you, talk it out and figure out what’s bothering you. Mostly likely it’s a trigger that is upsetting you that you need to figure out.
- Planning or Not Planning – Umm, I’m 100% a planner, my hubby, no so much. He’s more of the let’s live in the moment type. If your styles are different, come up with a compromise that works. For us, mostly our days were planned out, meals are on the go. Yes, still getting used to it, but it works well both ways so no one way is right or wrong.
- Don’t overdo it! – Vacations are supposed to be fun, right? So DON’T over do it. There’s so much to see in this world, yes you can stop and smell the roses if that’s what you want to do. Enjoy your time.
- Live in the moment – This means different things for different people but for us, we take minimal pictures and really enjoy each other and what we are doing. Help each other out with this one. If you’re looking at your vacation through your camera, put it away and explore what’s right in front of you.
Enjoy that vacation
Being able to enjoy a family vacation with my partner has been a work in progress for sure. Maybe some of you are better at this than others but for me, I had to work up to this point. It helps that our kids are really enjoying their time together and we push them to hang out. Great part about this is there’s always another opportunity to try again.
So, who’s planning a trip?
How was your last one? Any tips to share with all of us?
I can’t wait to hear from you about your tried and true methods to enjoy your vacations!!
Who are you talking to?
Who knows that my passion is working with affairs? The reason this has become my passion is because I see how much time and effort couples put into their relationship when they work through an affair.
YES! You can successfully work through an affair.
I’ve had a few conversations lately with people who didn’t really think they were having an affair. Of course it makes me wonder…
So what is an emotional affair?
By definition, the term emotional affair is used in the media to categorise or explain a certain type of relationship. High levels of non-sexual emotional intimacy in adults may occur without the participants being bound by other intimate relationships or may occur between people in other relationships. (Wikipedia)
Okay that’s the Wikipedia definition. I define emotional affairs as anyone that you’re talking to outside of your relationship that you enjoy talking to more than your partner.
Let’s break down some areas where the line gets shady on emotional affairs
- Texting only – Can you really be cheating if you never meet someone in person? Do you smile when you get the texts? Are you waiting to tell that person about your day? If so, yes you are CHEATING.
- Hiding sex toys – You can cheat without involving anyone else with sex toys by hiding them from your partner. If you wait until your partner leaves to pleasure yourself, then you are withholding info from them.
- It’s just lunch – Let’s say you have lunch with someone each week and you keep it casual, but you don’t share with your partner because you think they’ll get upset. Guess what? They will get upset because you aren’t sharing and the doubt creeps in.
- Bye bye, going to the gym now – Do you exercise at the same time everyday? Is there someone there that you see all the time and you two have gotten to be friendly. Do you get excited at the idea of seeing them? If so, this is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
Just remember that it wasn’t always so hard to talk to your partner and if you stop talking to them, you will find someone else to talk to. Have the hard conversations. Talk about your days. Share your inner world and stay connected.
As with everything I write, there is always more stuff to say and i do love it when you reach out and tell me what’s going on in your life. If you have an alternate way to explain emotional affairs, let me know. If you don’t agree with me, then let me know that too.
If you think your partner is cheating on you, here is a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/infidelity
Let’s listen to others today
In my years of working with couples, I have gotten some great advice on how to work with couples. I have also gotten some good tidbits from all the trainings that I do. I was wondering if there was anything else out there that would spark my interest so I found an article that asks couples what they do to spark interest in each other. I really liked it so I’m going to share some of the quotes that I found interesting.
TRY THE TWO-MINUTE RULE
“Basically, anything can wait for two minutes. You have to pee? Got dinner cooking on the stove? Need to make an important phone call? Everything in life can wait for two minutes if it means making your spouse feel loved. So, when one of us calls for two minutes the other person has to stop whatever they are doing and we go find a place to be alone together. For those two minutes you are not allowed to check a cell phone, answer a child, think of other tasks you need to do. At the end of the two minutes, either person has the right to say they need to get back to what they were doing and the other person can’t be sad or offended. We’ve been using this rule for over 10 years now and it’s my favorite thing. Even our children know that when mom and daddy are having two minutes they cannot bug us.”
—Lizzy V., Fort Mill, SC
VOLUNTEER TOGETHER
“Volunteering together keeps the spark alive in our relationship by connecting to something that is bigger than our own problems. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but we have a really great one. And nothing is sexier than seeing him help someone in need.”
—Chris G., Sacramento, CA
WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS
“We decided early on is that we would never ever put each other down or say anything negative about the other one in front of others. We’ve made it a practice to only say supportive and kind things to each other in public and save disagreements for when we’re alone. And even then we make sure to keep it civil. It’s worked for us for 26 years.”
—Tammy N., Seattle, WA
SAY THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS
“The last thing we say to each other each night are the words ‘I love you.’ No matter how long or hard the day has been, we end it with love.”
—Dave G., Denver, CO
SCHEDULE TOGETHER TIME
“We’ve learned that if date night is going to happen we have to schedule it, just like we would any other obligation. Now, everyone knows I am simply not available Fridays from 5 to 7 p.m. and they respect that.”
—Alison M., New York, NY
SAY THANK YOU
“Each night before falling asleep my husband thanks me for doing something that day. It could be anything from running an errand to doing the dishes to making a delicious dinner. It makes me feel appreciated and not taken for granted. And I do the same for him. It’s nice to fall asleep thinking about the reasons we like each other.”
—Lisa G., Westminster, CO
EAT TOGETHER
“My wife and I make it a point to always eat breakfast and dinner tonight, no matter how early or late it has to happen. We’re celebrating our 40th anniversary this summer so something must be working!”
—Thomas H., Eau Claire, WI
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY
“We find little things we can do that will make the other person happy, like getting them a favorite treat or running an errand for them. The happiness of your spouse should be your first priority, for each of you. We just had our oldest daughter get married and that’s the advice we gave her!”
—Toby D., Lakeville, MN
COUPLES THERAPY
“Sometimes when the spark is gone from a relationship, there’s a real reason. My husband and I have done marriage counseling, individual therapy, and appropriate medications (not to mention a large dose of humor). It’s saved our marriage.”
—Julie S., Washington, DC
Couldn’t resist the last one!! I picked the ones that I thought were interesting. Here’s the whole article in case you want to read it https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4569/happy-couples-healthy-relationship-advice/
I would love to hear the ways you keep the romance going in your relationship. There are so many good ones here. I especially like the 2 minute rule because it’s just so true. What is your favorite?
Sparking Joy in Your Relationship
Are you on the tidying up kick? I’ve always been on the tidying up kick so I’m a bit amused by all this hoopla about this new show that tells how to tidy up. I do love the phrase, “Keep what brings you joy!” Pretty cool to think that you can find joy in things and only have what brings you joy in your life. So, who’s done it? Who has rid themselves of all that evil in your life? Do you only have folded clothes? Did you donate a bunch of stuff that doesn’t bring you joy? If you did, are you filled with joy now?
Umm, what’s missing from this picture? Let’s talk about how to bring joy to your relationship!
- Yes, it’s me not you – Next time you watch that show, go to that movie or anything, ask yourself if you want to do it or you’re doing it for your partner. If it’s just for them, let’s redo this and find things that make you happy.
- You feel supported by household chores – Have you found a way to find peace with the laundry? Do you enjoy sorting clothes? If the answer is big NO WAY, then hand that task off and find ones that you can handle. There is so much to do, make sure you’re doing the ones that work for you.
- I am an extrovert/introvert – Which one are you? If you are with someone who is the opposite of you (of course you are), you’re probably doing a lot of compromising on what brings you joy. Find things to do that make you happy. Go to the concert or stay at home for the day. Don’t wait for your partner to bring you joy, figure it out together.
- Those kids are both of yours – Please split up parenting responsibilities. Even better, have them do things on their own. Children are supposed to be a joy, right? Let’s figure out a way to make them part of your joy.
I’m going to stop there because this is about your joy, not mine. I really want to focus on the fact there are no rules here. Forget what someone is telling you to do and do what makes you happy. There is “Couples Time” where you compromise and there is “YOU” time which means it’s all about you.
Find your joy in yourself and bring it to your relationship!!
Can’t wait to hear what brings you joy and if your partner is high or low on your joy list!
Priorities, Priorities and More Priorities
Who’s busy today? It’s Tuesday, not Monday, but it seems as each day of the week is busier than the next. I know that for me, the weekdays are easier than the weekends because there’s a better schedule for me, but still, craziness at all levels.
So how do you find time to have a great relationship? What does that even mean?
As a couples therapist, I have heard this phrase a lot, “We just don’t have the time to spend together.” Or, yeah, we travel, but our children/child is always with us. How are we supposed to do things alone when we have so many other obligations?
Umm, anyone that knows me will know what I am about to say!
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
I know what you are going to say about this? Well, how about “me” time? Or who will get the kids to their activities, etc etc. The list can go on and on with reasons that you can’t spend time together, but let me make this very clear by saying it again.
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
There are a lot of excuses that you can make for not working on your relationship, but remember that if you don’t work on your relationship, it won’t just keep working.
Here’s some things you can do in our fast crazy world to make time for each other!
- Dates – C’mon, you can do this! At home, during the day, at night, on the weekends. Just do it!
- Rituals of Connections – Here’s the whole list of rituals of connection. Just pick a few and do them.
- Technology freeze – Put down those devices and just talk to each other, read together, listen to music together, take a bath together!
- Sneaky stuff – Act like you love each other. Kiss, hug and do romantic gestures when each other is least expecting it!!
- Talk it out – If your mad at each other, remember that you both love each other and you are both right! Talk it out and remember the good stuff!
I know, it’s hard to do
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If you want something to work, please remember that you need to put effort into it. Not only when things are bad. Put the effort in when things are good so they can stay that way!!
Can’t wait to hear how you prioritize your relationship!!
Do you know your love language?
I’ve been noticing a trend of mine. I ask, “What’s your love language?” I often get blank stares on this one so I explain and discuss the five love languages.
I’m a huge fan of knowing your love language. You take the quiz, find out the results, but then what should you do with them?
Let’s recap the 5 love languages for just a minute.
Physical Touch
This is the hand holding, hugging, kissing and need to be touched.
Verbal/Words of Affirmation
This is saying how you feel such as, “I love you.”
Gifts
This is when you receive something and it makes you feel special.
Quality time
Spending time together makes you happy.
Acts of service
Chores, cleaning, doing, anything that involves doing something around the house or in your life.
Okay, who thinks that two people in a relationship will have the same love language? Well, if you are attracted to someone that’s different than you and sees different things than you, of course they will be different. If you’re all about the sameness, they are likely be the same.
We need to break it down on how this works and what you need to do, right? It’s not enough just knowing your love language because you probably already know that. The more important piece to this puzzle is, do you know your partner’s love language?
I’m going to bold this and make it a big deal because it is.
YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER USING THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE
Well, are you saying that you will if they know and ackowedgle yours? Nope, that’s not how this works. If you wait to receive without giving, then you will not get what you want. If you want to receive, you need to give.
Let’s say for example that partner A has a love language of Acts of Service and partner B has the love language Physical Touch. Oh boy! Those 2 love languages are so different. That means if partner A wants physical touch, partner A needs to do acts of service. Do you know what their acts of service are? I’m guessing you don’t so you’re going to need to ask. Is it making dinner or going food shopping? Figure out what they are and do them. In return, you will need to ask for your love language which is a hug or a kiss and Bam, you are flying high!!
What happens when life gets busy and you’re both stressed out and just want to receive without giving? Well, you’re not going to receive or give and then the fights happen. To avoid all of that, give and receive to get what you want, which is a mutually agreeable relationship!!
PS. Here is my video series on love languages if you want a more in-depth look on love languages. I also have a Free Report on Love Languages.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you after you take your love language quiz and find out what language you have.
Your bed or mine?
As a couple’s therapist I meet couples who want to work on their relationship of course and I have noticed that more and more couples do not sleep in the same bed together for various of reasons so i ask the simple question, should couples sleep in the same bed?
The Pros
Connection
Okay, yes if you have an enormous bed this might not apply to you but if you have a queen size bed like I do, then you can relate. At some point in the night, you will be in contact with your partner and that forms a connection.
Better Sleep
This can go both ways but I’m going to say that couples that sleep together get better sleep. Why, you ask? Because you have learned to ignore the outside noises that your partner makes and can overlook things. Better to sleep with for sure!
Pillow Talk
Along with the physical connection, you can have an emotional connection. We use our before bedtime for our “talk about the day ritual.” You can use it however you choose to, but do something to help you connect.
Couple Before Parents
Just going to put this one out there because it’s so needed. You are a couple and when your little lovies go to sleep, they are sleeping in their own beds, not in yours. That is the time for you to recharge, rejoice and enjoy being a couple.
The Cons
Different Schedules
If one of you works days and one of you works nights, then you cannot sleep together. If you can have a nap together at some point in the day, take it!
Health Problems
If one of you is sick or going through medical problems, then it makes sense to sleep apart, if it can be temporary then that’s best.
Fighting
Okay, I’m going to throw out the old myth that you should make up before bed. Sometimes you just can’t and you need a break from each other and that’s okay as long as you make-up and talk about it.
Sleep For Your Children
I’m a big believer in having children sleep in their own rooms, if you are working on this and need to sleep in there to get them used to it, go ahead, it’s only temporary.
Drum Roll Please
The bottom line is you should always sleep together. Yes, there are reasons you will need to sleep apart and let’s make sure that those are temporary. Sometimes it’s just easier to sleep apart, and we all know relationships are not easy. Take the time to make things work and work on it. If you need to sleep apart, still have those cuddle times and those “pillow talks”.
Do you sleep together or apart? I’m waiting to hear!
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Take our communication and intimacy quiz if you want to see how connected you are https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/communication
Take a FREE Quiz: Communication and Intimacy
Is it a party of one or two?
So, who goes out to dinner alone? If you do, do you fully embrace the experience or do you bring a book to read? I’ve done it a few times and sometimes it’s okay, other times I would like company. I guess that’s me and eating is a social thing for me.
What about other activities? Would you go to the movies alone? That’s a little different than eating by yourself, at least for me it is. What about going to therapy alone to work on your relationship? What do we think of that?
I’m a couple’s therapist and I work with couples. Could I work with one person in the couple to help the relationship? That’s what we are going to talk about today and when it’s appropriate to have a party of one or two!
Let’s start with individual therapy
You want to improve yourself for your partner
To me this is the #1 reason people come see me individually. Let’s say you have something from your past or something from your present that holds you back from fully engaging. Talking alone could help with your relationship.
You want to start therapy but your partner doesn’t
It happens, you are looking for changes, your partner doesn’t think there should be changes. Yes, it’s okay to call and come in yourself. You can bring those changes home with you. It’s called the “ripple effect” One change can lead to multiple changes. Always worth trying.
Your partner tells you that you need to be FIXED!
I love this one and yes it’s true that people need to be fixed, but the system needs to be fixed. It takes 2 people to fight or 2 people to be good together. If you need to be fixed, sure let’s work on what needs to be fixed.
Couples together time
Communication
If you have trouble communicating, let’s work on it in the same room. The only way we are going to make changes if we work together on this.
Intimacy
Ok, you’re thinking of more annoyances than love lately. When was the last time you kissed your partner? If intimacy has faded, then it’s a good idea to work on the reasons it faded and how we can get it back.
Big life decisions
If you have disagreements on the big stuff which to me is parenting, money or religion to name a few, let’s talk about it together once we work on the communication and the intimacy!
Affairs
Yes, as hard as it is, and I’m not going to lie, it is very hard to work on, if you are going to recover, you both need to be committed to working on it together. It is possible and yes it is challenging.
Change only happens if change occurs
There are always more in each category but the bottom line is, if you want to work together, come in together, if your partner is not ready, come in by yourself.
Whomever is willing to do the work, that person will change and hopefully your relationship will change.
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.