11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Compatibility 101
Compatibility
Hello everyone! Because of my flexible schedule of working evenings and weekends, I get the chance to volunteer for my girls classes. I do art projects once a month and as the school year dwindles down, they’re coming to an endRead More
Choices, choices and more choices
Life is Full of Choices
Ok, life is full of choices and it’s very confusing what choices you should make on a day to day basis. What if I told you that you make so many choices a day and that the ones you are making are the right ones! Hooray right? Well, they might not always seem as if they’re the right ones but at the time you’re making them they are.
This blog courtesy of…
This blog is courtesy of my loving, 8 year old daughter. I’m a moderately strict parent, meaning, I discipline when I have to, make tough choices when I have to and hold up to the wrath that only a child can bring. Why, you ask? Because I’m a parent and that’s what parents do. Every time we say no, we are teaching a lesson, everytime we set a limit it’s for their good and that’s called parenting.
Make a Choice
I tell my daughters that when they make a choice they can make one that will lead to a reward or a consequence. They have to choose which one they’ll make. I believe that I give them guidance along the way to at least tell them that they’re making a decision that will lead to a consequence and it is up to them to decide how to proceed. Sometimes, they proceed, other times they stop and change the course of action. Once again, I’m not telling them what to do, I’m guiding them to make choices that are good for them… and for me of course!
The Outcome
Well, my 8 year old daughter got upset with me last week because she didn’t get her way. I asked her to do something 3 times and that’s my limit. She did it and then asked for dessert afterwards. Haha, that was a nice try; “no dessert because it’s past the time for dessert,” I told her. She made the choice to not listen and spend her time the way she wanted which caused her to miss out on something she wanted.
As 8 year olds go, she got an attitude with me and that’s not something I tolerate. Luckily, we have a great relationship so it doesn’t come out all the time. When her attitude does come out, watch out world, there’s a force to be reckoned with.
So, once she calmed down, she apologized to me. I have to say, her apologies are very sincere. I explained this concept about choices to her and she chose to play around and not do what she needed to do and so she didn’t get what she wanted.
Hence, choices are so complicated and for a young mind. It’s even more so because she doesn’t think past her current choice, just the one that she’s making. She says, “Mommy, life is so confusing to me.” Yes, I 100% agreed with her! I said, “it is, and the choices we make lead us down a certain path.” Good for her (and me) that we’re in this together 100% and I’ll back her up and help her make choices that will get her what she wants.
Did she learn a lesson?
Maybe she did or maybe she didn’t. I sure learned a lesson that life is complicated and the choices that you make are the ones that put you on your path. You’re making so many and I’d hope that the choices you make are getting you what you want.
Share Your Stories
I loved this story and wanted to share it with you. If you have a similar story, let’s hear it and we can learn from your story as well. Looking forward to hearing your stories!
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
I’m blessed to have 2 elementary age children who are at school for 6 hours a day. I can get stuff done, exercise and of course, work on my business. When my children walk through the door, my world shifts and I don’t always know what I’m getting myself into when they come home.Read More
Let’s Talk About Emotions!
Let’s Talk Emotions
I am a Gottman couples’ therapist and I love working with couples. I get to see the transition from hurt, angry, distant to loving, intimate and enjoying each other. Understanding your emotions is not easy, but yes, it is possible.Read More
How Do You Focus on the Big Picture?
So, how did you two first meet?
When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?” This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk. How do we focus on the big picture?
I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.
My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.
So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning? Here are some tips.
1. Relook at your wedding album
These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.
2. Ask your partner out on dates
It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!
3. Do your rituals of connection
If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.
4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting
Again I talk about this one quite a lot. Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.
5. Share alone time with friends/families
Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other. Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!
Wrapping Up
All of these are about create intimacy between you both. It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash? It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal. Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.
Professionals United for Parkland (PU4P)
I’m so excited to be a part of the the Professionals United for Parkland (PU4P). I had the pleasure of doing an interview (see below) about our work and what we’ve been up to and I haven’t written about it personally yet and, as I said in the interview, it is very personal to me.Read More
How do you check in with your partner?
Hi, it’s Spring Break over here and I’m writing for the first time in a long time. As most of you know, our town of Parkland has had an enormous tragedy and we all all trying to do the best we can with finding our way through this and everything else. So I mentioned it’s Spring Break and yes, I have the time to blog.
How, you ask?
Where are my children and husband you ask? Well, today they are at the Palm Beach Zoo and yesterday then went to Shark Valley. Yes, without me and all my organizing and planning. Yes, my husband is with our children and they are all having a great time!
How is this possible?
Well, it really wasn’t that hard. I used my words and said, “Honey, you are going to spend the first 2 days of spring break with the girls.” He of course said that will be great and they are having fun. So, back to the question of this blog, how do you check in with your partner? Let’s look at some creative ways to do so.
- Have a nightly meeting- This does not have to be long but has to happen. Talk about your needs, what you wish for and how to listen to your partner.
- Do not hold back- If you wish for something, such as a break from parenting or making dinner, let your partner know by verbally saying so, you will be surprised how easy it is.
- Have those intimate talks- The best way to stay connected is to stay connected, seriously talk the intimate talk, use your books, games, etc to stay connected.
- Make sure both of your needs are met- This is a 2 way street meaning you go both ways. Make sure both of your needs are getting met.
- Take a time out if you need it- There is no glory in finishing first. If you need time to yourself, please take it.
- Dates, dates, dates- If you have read anything that I have written so far, you know how important this one is, do it and keep doing it. Ask your partner out, hint hint, it feels nice to be asked out!
Life is always complicated
It’s true. And it’s busy, stressful and more and there are so many excuses not to check in with your partner. Life can get to you if you let it. So don’t let it! Work on staying connected by checking in all the time, asking for hugs, kisses and dates.
Please share how you stay connected with your partner, would love to hear about it!
Make Some Couples Time
Yes, you can make couples time
Have you ever heard the phrase, “You know you have children when having a 5 minute conversation takes all day.” This is a joke of course, but is it? We spend so much time on our children and what time we have left we spend on what? Umm, that’s a great question and I think we should talk about it today.
How do you sneak in time as a couple to stay connected?
- Get those’s kids to bed- Yes, set a realistic bedtime based on their age and give yourself enough time to connect. One night a week, plan a date at home, eat after the kids go to bed and enjoy each other’s company.
- Finish your conversation- How many times can you hear your name before you stop what you’re doing and run to your child? If you’re in the middle of talking to your partner, let your child know that you love them and will be with them in a minute. You might be surprised that what they needed help with they could do on their own.
- Dates- This is hard as well because you’re already spending so much money on your children that you now want to spend money to get a babysitter and go out. Yes, do it, have a standing date whether it is 1x a month or 1x a week. Have something to look forward to.
- Sleeping together- This seems like a given but it’s not. Couples tend to sleep in separate bedrooms for various reasons. The truth is that you need to stop it and get into bed together. If it’s not possible, at least hop into bed together to have a nighttime ritual then part ways.
- Your children sleeping with you- I’m going to say this with all the love in the world… your children don’t need to sleep with you to feel connected to you. If there is a temporary problem, then deal with it but don’t make it a habit and don’t replace your partner with your child.
- Spend time on yourself- To be a better parent and partner, you need to “be you” first and always. Whatever this means to you, you do “you” and the rest will follow.
I’m sure that I missed a few so I’d love to hear what you do to stay connected. Loving yourself and your partner doesn’t make you love your children any less. Doing for your relationship shows your children how to have a loving relationship. Let you do “you” and let them do “them” and come together when you’re all done!
How Do You Know if Your Partner is Supportive?
It’s Tough
If anyone is wondering, yes, it’s extremely hard to be married or in a relationship with a therapist, especially a therapist that specializes in couples. Why, you ask? Well, if you can’t fix your own relationship, how can you fix others? At least that’s how I view it. I tell my clients all the time that I practice what I preach and that what I teach them, I do as well.
Do I Do it All the Time?
Of course not. Do my husband and I fight? Of course we do. Do I yell at my children or others at times? Yep, yelling at the top of my lungs. I have to say that I don’t strive to achieve perfection because I have no idea what that even means. What I strive for, and I’d hope that you would too, is happiness, balance and fulfillment in your days.
Is Your Partner Supportive?
Let’s get to the part where you ask yourself, “is my partner supportive of me?” It’s so hard to see sometimes, especially when you have different love languages and your partner is trying to do good. Sometimes, all you see is the negative. You try to do good but all they see is negative. So how can we figure out if our partners are supportive?
- Parenting together- Do you back each other up when it comes to parenting? Does your partner support what you say even though they might not agree? If so, you can check this one as being supportive.
- Celebrations- Does your partner celebrate you? It might not be what you want but do they try? If so, then say thank you and wait until later to tell them how to do it better.
- Talk about stress- Are you two talking about outside stressors? Do you feel better knowing your partner has your back? If you feel your partner has your back, you have this one!
- Supporting outside friendships- Do you two have friends? If so if you want to have a girls/guys night out is that okay? It’s healthy to have outside friends and interests and it’s enjoyable to come back and talk about them.
- Sharing household duties- This might be the hardest one that you can see because you both are so busy with work, life, children and even the pets that it’s hard to see what your partner is doing. If your partner is trying and doing then you are working as a team!
I’m not going to overload this list because once you talk too much sometimes the negative comes out. With each positive there can be negatives.
The Bottom Line
You need and should feel supported by your partner and if you aren’t, then you need to talk to them about it and find ways to improve. Yes, there are always ways to improve our imperfect lives. We’re striving for perfect, we’re striving for love and respect!
Let’s all take a moment and think about how we are loved and respected and as always please share how you feel.
How I Feel About the Parkland School Shooting
I am Parkland
Hi, as most of you know I live and work in Parkland. Last week, our small town was struck by a horrific act. I have been hearing so many stories and have refrained from writing as of yet because, for the most part, I have just been helping people heal and coordinate services.Read More