11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Let’s talk about physical health
Staying Healthy
Yes, I’m a marriage and family therapist and yes, I’m human and yea, sometimes, I feel I need to be superhuman to keep up with my day. The days I’m down, cold, PMS or tired are the days I realize I have superhuman powers and can accomplish a lot. So on the days that I’m off, I rest, refuel and take care of my health. There are some things that I do to keep myself in check and I thought I would share them with you.Read More
Do you want to start your Second Marriage?
I work with couples
I work with couples, as you all know by now. When I meet my wonderful clients, I meet them at a time in there lives when things could be better. Well, that was a nice way to say it. Typically, people only reach out for help when things are really bad. I would love to change that and have people reach out to me when things are good, but that’s for another blog.
When I meet with people, especially the ones that go through affair recovery, (yes, you can recover from an affair) I use the term “second marriage“, or “second relationship” for those not married.
What is a Second Marriage?
I use the Gottman Method with my couples. Especially when going through an affair it’s hard to give up everything about your relationship. I know most people believe it’s a deal breaker but that is before it happens to you and then you’re in a state of shock and you have history together.
What do you do? Throw it all away? Discard all of the good times because of the bad? If you are coming to me for help, you know that I tell people that they’re much stronger after the affair recovery because it takes a lot of guts and sweat to get through it, for both partners. For the accused it takes guts to talk about the affair and for the innocent, to hear about it. It’s painstaking no matter which way you look at it and that’s where the second relationship comes in. It’s called the Second Marriage.
How does it work?
We use the sound relationship house as a guide to repair the relationship. We realize through this repair that you don’t want to go back to the old ways. Whether you didn’t communicate enough or lost intimacy or passion, there were things missing that led you to my office and into this new marriage… things will be different!
You get to decide to say how you feel, understand that being hurt is okay and can make you stronger and how to lean on your partner instead of turning away. This second marriage is the one you used to have, or maybe never did, but it is the one that you leave my office with.
It’s not just for affairs
If you are struggling with your partner and would like a chance at your second marriage, let’s talk and figure out what that means to you. Let’s figure out how we can get you to your happy!
Five Things I Use In My Own Relationship to Stay Happy
Your Relationship in 2018
I hope everyone is off to a good start of 2018. I’m so happy to be doing what I love and taking care of myself. I tell all my clients that there is nothing that I tell them that I don’t do in my own relationship so I thought I’d share my top 5 ideas on how to keep your relationship going strong in the new year.
Top 5 Idea to Keep Your Relationship Strong
- Hello and Goodbye Rituals – I know it seems as if this is no biggie, but in reality, it really is! To greet your partner and for them to greet you back when you come home or leave the house is the first step to staying connected. I tell people that no matter what’s going on, you have 3 seconds to kiss, hug, high five or whatever your ritual becomes. Acknowledgement goes a long way when you want to stay connected.
- Stress Reducing Conversation – This one is also very important because if you do even have time to say hello/goodbye, then you have stress in your life. If you do, you need to talk about it. If you have no idea what I am talking about, then all you need to do is sit with your partner without any distractions and talk about a stress in your life. Your partner needs to listen and give empathetic support. Don’t give advice or take the other’s person side. Then switch listener/speaker roles. Trust me, it will help reduce the stress and you’ll feel closer too!
- Dates – Maybe this one should be a given but often, when I meet people, they tell me that dates are the last thing they think of. Really? How do you plan on connecting? Okay, maybe hiring a babysitter is not in the cards for you. You can take turns watching kids with another couple or even have dates at home. The point is to have them and keep having them. Ask each other out and make it special!
- 10 Minute Talks – There are a ton of conversational starters out there to help you have conversations if you are stuck on talking about your job, kids, house, etc. Find a relationship conversation starter and start taking at least 10 minutes a day.
- Give Appreciation – Talk nice to each other and compliment each other on what’s working. Give each other a reason to keep on doing what you want them to do. When you ask nicely, it helps and when you give appreciation, it helps make you feel loved and cherished.
So, those are to me the top 5 that I use to help my relationship. I do not pretend to be perfect at everything. But I also know that you cannot have a good relationship if you don’t put the effort in.
How About Those 2018 Relationship Goals?
You can add some of these to your relationship and see how it goes. Let me know!
Let’s Do 2018!
Happy New Year and Welcome to 2018! This will be a good year for me and I hope for you as well. My business is moving in the right direction, relationship is good, kids are good and I am turning 45 this year! I really like to focus on the past year instead of focusing on the future and the unknown. How can I make a plan for the future without knowing about the past?
So here goes my year review of 2017
The Good
I finally have 2 children in elementary school. I made it to the top of the mountain, as I like to call it. No more spending an hour in the store when I can run in for 5 seconds. Additional bonus to this is that they’ll both be in the same school for 4 years! Yep, same schedule for 4 years, I should just stop right now and enjoy this.
As I said, since both of my children are in school, I have time to focus on me. Wahoo, well, not that much time but still time. I get a massage or facial 1x a month. I go on date lunches with my husband when he works from home and I can exercise during the day! All good stuff.
My relationship has been worked on for the last 10 years and thankful for the The Gottman Method, lots of communication and clarification on what I need. I understand my love language and more importantly, my husband understand it as well. I get his and we both try to give as much as we can to each other!
Most importantly, we are healthy. I have crazy healthy kids. Myself, I try to stay healthy to help my sanity at all times. We try to eat right and work on ourselves when we can.
The Bad
It has also been a challenging year with health of my parents, craziness of trying to do the stay-at-home mom thing while working on my career.
My family is very important to me and when one person is not well, it affects us all. My mom had some health problems this year and my dad had some as well. Always puts all the small stuff in perspective when you are dealing with health problems. I will take healthy family over anything else and do not mind the small stuff anymore. Happy to report that everyone is on the mend and we are looking forward to a healthy 2018.
I struggle with the balance of working and doing the mom stuff. I know that it is not a bad really. I really enjoying the time i spend with my family and I really enjoy the time I spend with my clients. Always a struggle to find the right balance and where I am needed the most.
So, as in all of this craziness of the past year, I really think there was more good than bad. In saying that, I would love to know about your past year and how everything turned out for you.
How to Be an Advanced Listener
I figured I would give you a little time to read my last post “How to be a Great Listener” before I wrote this as a follow-up. Listening is so important in how you relate to your partner and so many people don’t do it.
Are you listening on how to be an advanced listener? If so, here it is.
Read Between the Lines
To be an even better listener, you need to read between the lines of what your partner is saying. You need to focus on HOW your partner is saying things, not just what they’re saying. You need to convey understanding. Examples are here to help:
Your partner says, “This apartment is my prison.” You say, “Wow, it sounds as if you are really trapped. Is that right? Am I getting it right?”
Your partner says. “I feel like the train has left and I’m still standing at the station.” You say, “So you feel as if the world is passing you by and your own life is at a standstill?”
Have Regular Stress Reducing Conversations
Find out who or what is stressing your partner. Know who the main people are in your partner’s life. Learn their names. Find out what is working in your partner’s life. Basically sit down with no distractions and talk/listen to each other at least 1x a week.
Just Be There and Listen
Yep, it is really that easy. Put down the phone, iPad, TV remote and have a conversation. Listen with empathy and understanding. Only give advice if your partner asks you to. Do not solve the problem or internalize it, you’re doing the work by listening and that’s enough to feel loved, supported and most importantly, an advanced listener!
Listening is a skill we have to learn along with all other skills
Try incorporating listening into your daily routine and see how your partner responds to you. Enjoy your new found connection through listening!
Staying connected and sane during the holidays
What do you say about the holidays?
“Wahoo, they’re here” or “oh no, they’re here already?” Either way they are busy times for families whether you are traveling, hosting family or even gathering with friends. How will you stay connected and sane?
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How to Be a Great Listener
Are you listening?
Does your partner say all the time “you never listen” or “you have no idea what that even means?” You’re there and hearing the words that someone else is saying, so doesn’t that make you a great listener? Well, to answer your question, if your partner doesn’t think you’re a good listener then it’s time to read this and find out how to be a great listener.
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How much should you work on your relationship for it to work?
This is the biggest question I get asked when couples come to see me. How much should I work on my relationship? The bigger question that comes from this is “how do I work on my relationship?”
Where Do I Start?
When I meet people, they’re usually not in a good place in their relationship, because realistically who comes to therapy when they’re happy? I get to ask and work on relationships when they’re angry at each other. Once we get working and we get things a bit better, I send them off to work on things on their own.
So, how many people continue to work on their relationship after therapy is over? I would like to think everyone but that’s not true. For the most part, I don’t often see people again because I give them the skills to communication and the tools to resolve conflict.
Back to the Question
Back to the question at hand, how much should you work on your relationship? I would say at least 5 hours a week. Let’s spell it out.
- Find a time to date. Yes. ask your partner out on a date and switch it up each week. If the kids are in school, go for a lunch date. If they’re not, try to get a babysitter once a week.
- Have a conversation about each other. Listen to your partner with emphatic ears and return the favor. Don’t try to solve any problems, simply listen to each other every night. This is called The Stress Reducing Conversation.
- Have rituals of connections where you greet each other and say goodbye. Do this every day and if you forget, try again the next day.
- Come up with conversations that don’t have anything to do with the house, kids, jobs or extended family. Date talk!
- Most importantly, put those phones down and look at each other. For an hour a week or even more, declare your relationship technology free and enjoy each other’s company!
It’s really that Simple?
Yes, it is that simple and no, it isn’t that complicated. When you feel connected, you are are more open to overlook the small stuff such as leaving shoes out or forgetting to take out the trash. Staying connected emotionally and physically is so important to your relationship, and yes, you do need to actively make the time to do it, and yes, it is only 5 hours a week. Enjoy each other and remember that you love each other and want to talk to each other.
Tell me how you reconnect each week? Leave a comment below!
Do opposites really attract?
I meet all kinds of people and I really love that about my job. I get to change and evolve with the people I meet. I get asked the same questions all the time and one of them that is top on my list is always “Are we too different to work?”Read More
When is a good time to tell your partner “I told you so?”
Okay, true story that happened today and I had to reflect on it and then share it with all of you. So, my husband reached out to me for emotional support about something that happened at work and he was feeling bad about it. I had to think about what I was going to say to him, to not make him feel any worse and try to boost him up. Read More