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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
It’s not you, it’s me
Hi and hope are doing well! I get on these kicks and my clients know that and put up with me and I want to share my last kick with you as well. No, it’s not you, it’s me. Who really believes it when someone says this to them? Have you ever had a break-up in your life and you heard this phrase? If so, welcome to the club. This phrase can be so hard to hear and I have finally cracked the code on what it means to me and I just wanted to share with you!
No, it’s not you, it’s me relates to the kick I’ve been on that deals with what you can control.
What you can control breaks down to this:
What you do and How you react
Seems pretty simple right, but how does this affect your relationship? Well, how many times have you blamed your partner for getting you upset? Have you really looked at those times and asked yourself, hey self how could I have reacted differently or what should I do differently next time?
Let’s break this down even further to what really changes a conversation to a fight. It’s called triggers and those are the things that really prevent you from controlling how you act and how you react. I can be the calmest person, but if I get triggered, watch out, either relationship tiger or mama bear can come out and attack at any moment.
What are some triggers and how do we notice them?
What Triggered Me…
- I felt excluded I felt powerless I felt unheard I felt scolded
- I felt judged I felt blamed I felt disrespected I felt lack of attention
- I felt uncared for I felt lonely I felt ignored I felt controlled
- I felt forgotten I felt unsafe I felt unloved I felt frustrated
- I felt disconnected I felt trapped I felt lack of passion I felt manipulated
You notice how all of these start with “I felt”?
I will tell you that when you are in an argument with someone that you love and you get triggered, it’s not them that causes you to get triggered, it’s you. Triggers are within us and they can control us or help us understand better.
Do you know your triggers? Did you know that you were getting triggered each time you had a fight about how you were feeling inside? If you didn’t know, this is the time to self reflect and start to understand what gets you upset and what triggers you, then you can begin to understand more about the concept, no, it’s not you, it’s me. Once you understand your triggers, or can at least identify one, reach out and let me know how you stopped yourself from getting upset.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Wants and Needs
I’ve been asked (or maybe I’m just talking about it this week) on the difference between needs and wants.
When I was a new mom and I was wondering how the heck I would take care of 2 kids (a baby and a toddler) at the same time while I was breastfeeding one and the other has never left my side, arggghhh!! I was given the best advice:
Babies have needs, toddlers have wants, decide who needs you more!!
Wow, that was so powerful, quotable and helpful because when you’re sleep deprived and not knowing what you’re doing, how do you do it all? Um, you take turns, take a breathe and figure it out.
So, I was thinking about this again with my clients this week. I had some great conversations about it and how we can think about what we need in our relationships compared to what we want.
What I believe my needs are
Trust
So important to me to be able to trust my partner. This takes on a different meaning for me because I can trust him not to cheat on me, but I can’t always trust that he will do what he says. I need someone that will do what they say and say what they will do.
Emotions
I’m a therapist and anyone that’s with me needs to know that talking about emotions is important to me. I need to work through things, get rid of the upset feelings and get to the true emotions behind what we’re talking about. Guess I can call them triggers as well.
Co-Parenting
Yes, there can only be one parent that is working at a time, but there are two parents that need to be parenting all the time. Even though I work, and so does he, I need to feel as if our children are both of our responsibilities all the time. Work in progress here.
Talking
This is huge for me and I need this so much. I need to talk things out and work out what needs to be worked out. The silence is a killer for me. Huge need is to talk.
Let’s switch to some of my wants
Plans
I’m a planner and I like to have plans made. Something about having plans made is soothing to me and lets me get excited about things and helps me stay calm. My partner is a “spur of the moment” kinda guy so this is always a work in progress.
Vacations
I’m putting this in the wants section because it’s not a need. I do enjoy going away, seeing new things and of course planning it all!
Healthy Lifestyle
This is a need for me and I do this personally to stay sane, but it’s a want in my life because I can’t make anyone do anything solely for me. Maybe it’s a want/need!
In Summary
I’m going to stop there because I can add a lot more wants but in reality, I’m okay with getting my needs met. My needs are my core and when I get my needs met, I’m happy and content with my relationship.
How about you? Do you know your wants and needs? Do you need help distinguishing them Let’s hear from you and how you distinguish the two.
Ready to Move Forward?
We are approaching the end of the year! Yes, we made it through another year! Love it! And love that we’re covering so much content in these newsletters together.
So, if you don’t already know how I feel about resolutions (ya know the things where you say you’re going to do all these new things in your life and then maybe you will do them or maybe you won’t) instead, I like to reflect back on what has worked this past year and how I can improve on it for next year.
Resolve to not have Resolutions
Work
Makes sense that I put this first right? Would you put this first? Seems to me that work is the easiest place in our lives to notice how well we are doing. Did you get that promotion or that bonus you were looking for? Are you where you want to be in your career? Think about all that you have done with work this year and let’s remember how great we are!
Relationship
I have to admit that I was going to put family next, but I changed my mind. I talk about relationships a lot and it’s pretty much where I focus most of my energy since it’s my work as well.
How’s your relationship going? Are you fighting less or more? Dating or ignoring each other? Take a minute and realize that if you look at it over the whole year, it might look different than just day to day!
Family
I think we can lump kids, parents, pets, etc into this category because they all take up equal amounts of my time. This past year, my parents and pets took up more time than my children so I’m looking forward to making them more of a priority next year. Who did you focus on this year? Was it worth it to you? Do you feel as if you have an energy left for yourself? Remember, 50% of your energy goes to you, 50% goes to everyone else. Raise your hand if you spend more than 50% on everyone else? Yes, let’s work to change that number up even if it’s just 1%.
Me time
Lastly and most importantly, is the me category. I put this last because for the most part that’s where we put ourselves and we need to have enough energy to be kind to ourselves. Let’s try to move this category up a few notches next year. We are working on ourselves now and for the future. What do you want to change? I want to learn how to self reflect and understand how I”m feeling when someone gets me upset. I’m going to start to work on it today!
Yes, the moral is that we don’t need lists, goals or resolutions to help us move forward with our lives. We need ourselves mostly and to stay connected to the ones around us.
I’m going to work on myself and find the areas that need to be changed, stay the same or let go.
I’m excited to hear what you are working on. Please reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know how you are doing.
I”m going to reflect and think about what I want to bring to you for the new year. If you have any topics that you are interested in, please let me know!!
Cheers for now and let’s move forward!
It’s officially holiday season!
Hooray, the holiday season is upon us!
Who am I kidding? I’m not the biggest on the holiday season. One of my daughter’s has her birthday in December so I have that as well. Thankfully, she decided to do a trip this year instead of a party! Can I say how happy I am about that?
How happy are you about the holidays?
Are you a person that cannot wait until you hear holiday music? Does it but you out to hear carols even before Thanksgiving had even passed? Or do you find a way to avoid it at all costs?
Guess what? It doesn’t really matter, does it. Why, do you ask? Because we all have to get through it and it would be nice if we did it together as a couple.
Yeah, you knew I was getting around to this. Connections. Staying connected in stressful, busy times is the true test of how connected you are. So here’s the simple list on how to stay connected.
Go on dates
Yes, you’re crazy busy with all of the holiday parties and last minute gifts you forgot to get I know and i get it, which is why it’s so important to schedule date time. Whether it’s going out or a date night at home, just do it.
Continue those rituals
Now is the time that you want to stay connected. Those 5 minute rituals can really help with you staying connected. Have no idea what I’m talking about or forgot about them, no worries here’s a list of all of them to help you remember: Article: Rituals
Tag team, you’re it!
Yes, you’re both so busy and you’re both stressed. If you need a break, talk about it and work on who’s taking the active role and who can be passive. Take turns and take your “me” time.
Communicate, communicate and communicate some more
Holding it in never works, trust me. If you’re not happy about something, slow down, take some breaths and have a conversation. Remember if you get worked up, take a 20 minute break, regroup and try again. Outside stresses shouldn’t cause relationship stress, but it does all the time. Let’s try to be aware of it and work on it.
Stress relief
This may seem obvious to most, but if you’re stressed, it’s time to find some relief. How about a relaxing bath, massage or playing a board game. You pick, you laugh and you realize that you’ve got this!
I’m ready for it
I’m really looking forward to this season because I do follow my own advice and I’m going to play it nice and calm. If you’re stressed now, realize that and work on a better plan for tomorrow. Ask for help, take some down time and just be with your partner.
Let me know how your pre-holiday went, I really want to hear from you. What’s working and what’s not?
P.S. If you have any requests on topics, please let me know that as well.
Top 5 Reasons People Cheat
You saw the title, the Top 5 Reasons People Cheat. What do you think the number #1 infidelity reason is? Do you think it’s sex addiction? If you do, you’re wrong. Do you think that people that cheat end up divorced? Nope, not if I can help it.
What happens to make a relationship fall apart?
Life Happens
Yes, this sounds so vague, but it’s so true. You’re together for how many years? Your children sleep in your bed, you don’t get dressed for the day, date nights are laughable events that just don’t happen and you just drift apart.
Communication
Well, it’s really that you stop communicating when you find yourself drifting apart. Can you remember the last time you two just sat down and talked about things? Do you find yourself being able to talk to someone else more easily? Is that person a friend or is that person more than a friend?
Stressors
I’m talking about the life events that happen such as health problems, change in financial status or problems with extended family. Anything that affects both of you very much and you don’t deal with it. You just go along as if life is fine, until one day it isn’t and you don’t know how to handle things. These stressors can make you turn to the person that you can talk to, have fun with and forget about the stressors for awhile.
No More Fighting
You just read “no more fighting” and thought “Yeah!! This is a good thing right?” Wrong! When you stop fighting, you stop caring. If you care what your partner thinks, does, or says, then you’re still in it. When you get to the point that you just give up and are burnt out, that is the time that you reach out to the “other person.”
It Just Happens
I know, you don’t believe me but yes, it does just happen. It’s a mistake or things are bad or you want to act like a different person when you travel. It does just happen when all of the other things are not in place, so we will need to keep those things in place in order for those temptations at bay.
What Happens Afterwards?
I’m here to tell you that most people say that cheating is a deal breaker, but it’s 100% not the truth at all. If you’re together, whether married or just in a relationship for 20 years, that is a lot to give up for mistakes that have happened along the way. Give yourself a few moments to breathe and let’s see if we can work on this together for you.
I’m here to help and this is what I do. I guide couples through the ups and downs of this raw, emotional time. You don’t have to know what you want, you just have to show up and let the process work for you.
Thanks for listening and if you want more information on how we work on affair recovery, you can check out this https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/gottman-method/infidelity-therapy/
On your mark, get set… GO!
On your mark, get set and go! Where are you going? Yes, it’s the race that we all do or don’t partake in to the end of the year. For me, my end begins at Halloween. November and December just seem to fly by very quickly. What are you going to do to stay sane until the end of the year!?
A few ideas to keep you sane
- Get Organized – Okay, right now you have plenty of time to figure out what you want to wear to the holiday party, who you want to buy gifts for and who you don’t (it’s okay to take some people off your list). Start getting organized so you can calmly make it through the holidays!
- Stay Healthy – As your stress level goes up, your immune system goes down. How do you avoid getting sick around the holidays? Stay calm, find ways to reduce your stress and remember you’re just one person.
- Just Say No – This is always an important one for me and I’m getting better and better at it. Find out what you enjoy, what you want to do and the rest of it, say no thank you. No, you don’t have to go to all the holiday parties. No, you don’t have to volunteer at your child’s school. If you have the time, go for it, if you don’t, ditch the guilt and just say no
- It’s Budgeting Time – Really, you’re just one person and you can only do some much. You need to have a conversation with yourself and/or your partner if you have one and come up with a budget for the holidays and stick to it. Seriously, people go into major debt because of the holidays and that’s not going to be you. So many cute, inexpensive ideas. Talk to the family about a secret gift exchange, come up with creative ways to reduce your budget so you’re staying stress free about money.
- Delegate, Delegate and Delegate – Um yeah, I know you have heard this before, but you’re not the most important person in the universe. You don’t have to be everything to everyone. Find your tribe, split up the tasks and hand off as much as you can. The world will not end if you don’t do it all yourself. Learn to share and hand things off!
- Take Time For Yourself – Well, if you laughed at this, then maybe you need to re-read some of the other ones! Yes, if you’re feeling the stress, it’s time to take a breather and work on decompressing. Trust me, you’ll be better for it in the end.
- Who’s Up For Eating – Did you enjoy thanksgiving? I’m not one of those that counts calories on holidays but in general, I’m a healthy eater. One day is fine, stress eating is not (because if you are stressed, then you’re not reading what I am writing). If you find yourself stress eating, then take a step backwards and follow the other steps.
I’m going to stop there for now because that’s enough for this post. I really want you to try to enjoy yourself this holiday season. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed, you have my permission to pamper yourself, delegate your tasks and enjoy your time!
If you’re feeling stressed out, reach out to me and I can help for sure!
Staying in the Moment
First day of school thoughts, and there are a lot of them. This is something I’ve been working on for a while now and I wanted to take the time to write about it and share with you how I’m doing with it.
Too many times in my life, I have these great things happen and I don’t stay in the moment to appreciate them as much as I should. Well, to say it truthfully, I don’t spend any time on them at all. Why? I earn these moments and when I have them, I shy away from patting myself on the back. The best way to describe it is when the event happens, I’m already expecting it to be over and when it is over I’m looking forward to the next event.
So how do you stay in the moment?
Be Present
As a mom, wife, daughter, sister, mother and business owner, being present in all of these roles is a challenge. Learn to treat them separately so you can stay present in the moment. If I get an awe moment in my career, I need to stay in that moment for 120 seconds at least (that’s 2 whole minutes) before I switch roles or move on to another moment. Yes, let’s shoot for 2 minutes, but really, aim for 5 minutes.
What should I be doing in the moment?
Yes, this is truth. I’ve always wondered about the moment and especially meditation. I really respect the people that can meditate. Meditation is the act of being mindful and living in the moment. You should be actively thinking about yourself, how proud you are of yourself and how much you have accomplished.
What’s next?
After the moment passes and you were able to acknowledge yourself, now what? Are you on to the next moment? How about we hit the pause button for a bit and just live in this moment for as long as we can. There will be plenty of time for the next moment, rest assured.
My Moment
So today, I’m living in the moment. I have a 3rd and 1st grader and I love both of their teachers. I could say more but I’m practicing what I preach and staying in my small moment for now
Please let me know how you were able to capture your moment.
Are You Organized?
Hoorary! Back to school today for us!
Do I really mean hoorary?
I think so. We got our girls off to school this morning. It was enjoyable and fun this morning. We left early and had lots of time to get them settled in their classrooms.
How is this possible? Let’s talk about organization to help us with the morning and nighttime routines.
Nighttime
Yes, the organization should start the night before. Everything that can be done the night before should be done. Pick out clothes, get snacks ready, fill up water bottles and anything else you can think of. The most important thing the night before is getting enough sleep. Put these lovies to bed early and let them sleep for as long as they can.
Morning
Good morning to you! Right, are you a morning person? If not, or even if you are, the job still has to get done. So I’m going to say that either you, your partner and/or your children are not morning people. Some of you are, but some aren’t. Let’s start by placing an alarm clock into your children’s room. Yes, this has been a game changer for me. When they wake up by themselves, they awake so much easier.
Morning Routine
I’m going to separate this one because waking up is hard enough and then doing what you need to do in the morning is even harder. Oh my! First, give yourself enough time to wake up before the craziness. If you need to get out of the house at the same time as the kiddos, take a shower before the craziness starts. If not, get up and enjoy your quiet time. Once the kids are up and dressed, it’s making and eating breakfast, brushing teeth, brushing hair and getting out the door. You need to leave some lead time into your schedule for the occasional clothes change or hair crisis. Congrats, now you’re out the door!
Afternoon
This is different for everyone depending on your schedule. If your children come home from school, first thing is taking a look at the backpack. Yes, I highly recommend looking in the backpack the minute they arrive. Are there forms you need to sign? Are there snacks that have spilled? Of course, then there’s the homework. If your kids stay at aftercare, same routine, just later. Checking that backpack is the key to success. If your children are older, hopefully you have this down pat by now and they’re bringing things to you!
Partner, Divide and Conquer!
This one is so up to you! You both know what you strive for and what you need to do. Figure out which task is your thing and own it. If you feel you’re doing too much, it’s time to talk and figure out how to reorganize and share the load.
Hope these tips helped you. If I have left any out that you think would help others, please reach out to let me know.
Move Your Marriage to a Better Place
A guest blog by Tanja Fridolfs, http://tanjafridolfs.com
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