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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
More than just surviving
Happy Spring Break and more than happy to be back in the groove today!!! I had the pleasure of going on a vacation last week and since it was a short trip, we decided to drive. Each way was about 9 hours and the way up we did it straight through and on the way back we broke up the trip. Boy oh boy was it an adventure.
I’m not saying that in a negative way, I’m saying that it was awesome!!!
Time to get my point right?
Well, it was a family trip and since we’re always a couple, we look for ways to stay connected when we travel. Anyone know what I mean? Do I mean you drop the kids off at a camp? Nope, not on this trip.
As I constantly say, you’re always a couple and you’re always working on your relationship. Here’s some tips that I found helpful to stay connected on this trip.
- Separate Rooms – If you can swing this, I highly recommend it. We are very fortunate that when we travel, we can rent houses now which accommodate families. (AirBNB? Yes please!) And yes, sleeping with your partner alone on a family trip can do wonders for intimacy.
- Adult Time – Anyone continue their rituals of connections when they travel? If you do, great! If you don’t, let’s come up with a few travel rituals that work for both of you and start using them ASAP.
- Talk it out – Yes, of course there were a few tense moments on the trip, especially in the car. If your partner is upsetting you, talk it out and figure out what’s bothering you. Mostly likely it’s a trigger that is upsetting you that you need to figure out.
- Planning or Not Planning – Umm, I’m 100% a planner, my hubby, no so much. He’s more of the let’s live in the moment type. If your styles are different, come up with a compromise that works. For us, mostly our days were planned out, meals are on the go. Yes, still getting used to it, but it works well both ways so no one way is right or wrong.
- Don’t overdo it! – Vacations are supposed to be fun, right? So DON’T over do it. There’s so much to see in this world, yes you can stop and smell the roses if that’s what you want to do. Enjoy your time.
- Live in the moment – This means different things for different people but for us, we take minimal pictures and really enjoy each other and what we are doing. Help each other out with this one. If you’re looking at your vacation through your camera, put it away and explore what’s right in front of you.
Enjoy that vacation
Being able to enjoy a family vacation with my partner has been a work in progress for sure. Maybe some of you are better at this than others but for me, I had to work up to this point. It helps that our kids are really enjoying their time together and we push them to hang out. Great part about this is there’s always another opportunity to try again.
So, who’s planning a trip?
How was your last one? Any tips to share with all of us?
I can’t wait to hear from you about your tried and true methods to enjoy your vacations!!
We can do this together!
| How are you doing today? We’re already in March, almost in April even, and the year is in full swing. How are you doing on those goals you set up for yourself? How is your partner doing on the same goals? Did you read that correctly? Yes, of course you made goals/resolutions together to accomplish this year, right? |
| Well, if you’re reading this and thinking, umm, nope, I didn’t think about this before… no worries, let’s start to think about it now and figure out what goals/resolutions you should do together. |
| Spending time together How are you doing with this one? Are you making time for each other? Are you putting your relationship somewhat on the top list of things to do? If not, that’s okay, let’s say at least an hour a day or one date night a week for now. Parenting Are you two aligned on parenting? This is always a struggle for sure but an important goal to have when you’re trying to stay sane! Work on what this means for you and how you will accomplish your goals with parenting. Nutrient Gosh, there are so many different eating plans out there now. Which one are you on? Are you both aligned how you’re eating? It helps out a lot to have a partner in crime if say you’re doing intermittent fasting and you’re trying to fast and still do everything else. Yes, you can reach out to others but that’s not the point of joining. Do it together and see how you can support each other. Exercise Was this on your goal list for the year? How are you doing with it? Are you both on the same page as far as exercise is going? At least are you in the same chapter? If not, let’s work on it. Support each other and try to boost each other up. Careers Whether you both work or if one of you works and other stays at home, there’s a balance that always needs to be in place. Are you supportive in your roles together? Are you feeling as your partner has your back? Talk about this and see where you are. I’m hoping the answer is YES. There isn’t much else in this world if your partner doesn’t have your back. |
Yep, you can do this together!!!
| Yep, you can do this together!!!Thinking about changing something up in your life? Are you worried that your partner is not by your side? I use that word partner a lot and it has so many important meanings for sure. I would love to know how you support each other and what you do together to have each other’s back. |
Who are you talking to?
Who knows that my passion is working with affairs? The reason this has become my passion is because I see how much time and effort couples put into their relationship when they work through an affair.
YES! You can successfully work through an affair.
I’ve had a few conversations lately with people who didn’t really think they were having an affair. Of course it makes me wonder…
So what is an emotional affair?
By definition, the term emotional affair is used in the media to categorise or explain a certain type of relationship. High levels of non-sexual emotional intimacy in adults may occur without the participants being bound by other intimate relationships or may occur between people in other relationships. (Wikipedia)
Okay that’s the Wikipedia definition. I define emotional affairs as anyone that you’re talking to outside of your relationship that you enjoy talking to more than your partner.
Let’s break down some areas where the line gets shady on emotional affairs
- Texting only – Can you really be cheating if you never meet someone in person? Do you smile when you get the texts? Are you waiting to tell that person about your day? If so, yes you are CHEATING.
- Hiding sex toys – You can cheat without involving anyone else with sex toys by hiding them from your partner. If you wait until your partner leaves to pleasure yourself, then you are withholding info from them.
- It’s just lunch – Let’s say you have lunch with someone each week and you keep it casual, but you don’t share with your partner because you think they’ll get upset. Guess what? They will get upset because you aren’t sharing and the doubt creeps in.
- Bye bye, going to the gym now – Do you exercise at the same time everyday? Is there someone there that you see all the time and you two have gotten to be friendly. Do you get excited at the idea of seeing them? If so, this is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
Just remember that it wasn’t always so hard to talk to your partner and if you stop talking to them, you will find someone else to talk to. Have the hard conversations. Talk about your days. Share your inner world and stay connected.
As with everything I write, there is always more stuff to say and i do love it when you reach out and tell me what’s going on in your life. If you have an alternate way to explain emotional affairs, let me know. If you don’t agree with me, then let me know that too.
If you think your partner is cheating on you, here is a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/infidelity
Let’s listen to others today
In my years of working with couples, I have gotten some great advice on how to work with couples. I have also gotten some good tidbits from all the trainings that I do. I was wondering if there was anything else out there that would spark my interest so I found an article that asks couples what they do to spark interest in each other. I really liked it so I’m going to share some of the quotes that I found interesting.
TRY THE TWO-MINUTE RULE
“Basically, anything can wait for two minutes. You have to pee? Got dinner cooking on the stove? Need to make an important phone call? Everything in life can wait for two minutes if it means making your spouse feel loved. So, when one of us calls for two minutes the other person has to stop whatever they are doing and we go find a place to be alone together. For those two minutes you are not allowed to check a cell phone, answer a child, think of other tasks you need to do. At the end of the two minutes, either person has the right to say they need to get back to what they were doing and the other person can’t be sad or offended. We’ve been using this rule for over 10 years now and it’s my favorite thing. Even our children know that when mom and daddy are having two minutes they cannot bug us.”
—Lizzy V., Fort Mill, SC
VOLUNTEER TOGETHER
“Volunteering together keeps the spark alive in our relationship by connecting to something that is bigger than our own problems. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but we have a really great one. And nothing is sexier than seeing him help someone in need.”
—Chris G., Sacramento, CA
WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS
“We decided early on is that we would never ever put each other down or say anything negative about the other one in front of others. We’ve made it a practice to only say supportive and kind things to each other in public and save disagreements for when we’re alone. And even then we make sure to keep it civil. It’s worked for us for 26 years.”
—Tammy N., Seattle, WA
SAY THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS
“The last thing we say to each other each night are the words ‘I love you.’ No matter how long or hard the day has been, we end it with love.”
—Dave G., Denver, CO
SCHEDULE TOGETHER TIME
“We’ve learned that if date night is going to happen we have to schedule it, just like we would any other obligation. Now, everyone knows I am simply not available Fridays from 5 to 7 p.m. and they respect that.”
—Alison M., New York, NY
SAY THANK YOU
“Each night before falling asleep my husband thanks me for doing something that day. It could be anything from running an errand to doing the dishes to making a delicious dinner. It makes me feel appreciated and not taken for granted. And I do the same for him. It’s nice to fall asleep thinking about the reasons we like each other.”
—Lisa G., Westminster, CO
EAT TOGETHER
“My wife and I make it a point to always eat breakfast and dinner tonight, no matter how early or late it has to happen. We’re celebrating our 40th anniversary this summer so something must be working!”
—Thomas H., Eau Claire, WI
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY
“We find little things we can do that will make the other person happy, like getting them a favorite treat or running an errand for them. The happiness of your spouse should be your first priority, for each of you. We just had our oldest daughter get married and that’s the advice we gave her!”
—Toby D., Lakeville, MN
COUPLES THERAPY
“Sometimes when the spark is gone from a relationship, there’s a real reason. My husband and I have done marriage counseling, individual therapy, and appropriate medications (not to mention a large dose of humor). It’s saved our marriage.”
—Julie S., Washington, DC
Couldn’t resist the last one!! I picked the ones that I thought were interesting. Here’s the whole article in case you want to read it https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4569/happy-couples-healthy-relationship-advice/
I would love to hear the ways you keep the romance going in your relationship. There are so many good ones here. I especially like the 2 minute rule because it’s just so true. What is your favorite?
Sparking Joy in Your Relationship
Are you on the tidying up kick? I’ve always been on the tidying up kick so I’m a bit amused by all this hoopla about this new show that tells how to tidy up. I do love the phrase, “Keep what brings you joy!” Pretty cool to think that you can find joy in things and only have what brings you joy in your life. So, who’s done it? Who has rid themselves of all that evil in your life? Do you only have folded clothes? Did you donate a bunch of stuff that doesn’t bring you joy? If you did, are you filled with joy now?
Umm, what’s missing from this picture? Let’s talk about how to bring joy to your relationship!
- Yes, it’s me not you – Next time you watch that show, go to that movie or anything, ask yourself if you want to do it or you’re doing it for your partner. If it’s just for them, let’s redo this and find things that make you happy.
- You feel supported by household chores – Have you found a way to find peace with the laundry? Do you enjoy sorting clothes? If the answer is big NO WAY, then hand that task off and find ones that you can handle. There is so much to do, make sure you’re doing the ones that work for you.
- I am an extrovert/introvert – Which one are you? If you are with someone who is the opposite of you (of course you are), you’re probably doing a lot of compromising on what brings you joy. Find things to do that make you happy. Go to the concert or stay at home for the day. Don’t wait for your partner to bring you joy, figure it out together.
- Those kids are both of yours – Please split up parenting responsibilities. Even better, have them do things on their own. Children are supposed to be a joy, right? Let’s figure out a way to make them part of your joy.
I’m going to stop there because this is about your joy, not mine. I really want to focus on the fact there are no rules here. Forget what someone is telling you to do and do what makes you happy. There is “Couples Time” where you compromise and there is “YOU” time which means it’s all about you.
Find your joy in yourself and bring it to your relationship!!
Can’t wait to hear what brings you joy and if your partner is high or low on your joy list!
Priorities, Priorities and More Priorities
Who’s busy today? It’s Tuesday, not Monday, but it seems as each day of the week is busier than the next. I know that for me, the weekdays are easier than the weekends because there’s a better schedule for me, but still, craziness at all levels.
So how do you find time to have a great relationship? What does that even mean?
As a couples therapist, I have heard this phrase a lot, “We just don’t have the time to spend together.” Or, yeah, we travel, but our children/child is always with us. How are we supposed to do things alone when we have so many other obligations?
Umm, anyone that knows me will know what I am about to say!
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
I know what you are going to say about this? Well, how about “me” time? Or who will get the kids to their activities, etc etc. The list can go on and on with reasons that you can’t spend time together, but let me make this very clear by saying it again.
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
There are a lot of excuses that you can make for not working on your relationship, but remember that if you don’t work on your relationship, it won’t just keep working.
Here’s some things you can do in our fast crazy world to make time for each other!
- Dates – C’mon, you can do this! At home, during the day, at night, on the weekends. Just do it!
- Rituals of Connections – Here’s the whole list of rituals of connection. Just pick a few and do them.
- Technology freeze – Put down those devices and just talk to each other, read together, listen to music together, take a bath together!
- Sneaky stuff – Act like you love each other. Kiss, hug and do romantic gestures when each other is least expecting it!!
- Talk it out – If your mad at each other, remember that you both love each other and you are both right! Talk it out and remember the good stuff!
I know, it’s hard to do
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If you want something to work, please remember that you need to put effort into it. Not only when things are bad. Put the effort in when things are good so they can stay that way!!
Can’t wait to hear how you prioritize your relationship!!
Do you know your love language?
I’ve been noticing a trend of mine. I ask, “What’s your love language?” I often get blank stares on this one so I explain and discuss the five love languages.
I’m a huge fan of knowing your love language. You take the quiz, find out the results, but then what should you do with them?
Let’s recap the 5 love languages for just a minute.
Physical Touch
This is the hand holding, hugging, kissing and need to be touched.
Verbal/Words of Affirmation
This is saying how you feel such as, “I love you.”
Gifts
This is when you receive something and it makes you feel special.
Quality time
Spending time together makes you happy.
Acts of service
Chores, cleaning, doing, anything that involves doing something around the house or in your life.
Okay, who thinks that two people in a relationship will have the same love language? Well, if you are attracted to someone that’s different than you and sees different things than you, of course they will be different. If you’re all about the sameness, they are likely be the same.
We need to break it down on how this works and what you need to do, right? It’s not enough just knowing your love language because you probably already know that. The more important piece to this puzzle is, do you know your partner’s love language?
I’m going to bold this and make it a big deal because it is.
YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER USING THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE
Well, are you saying that you will if they know and ackowedgle yours? Nope, that’s not how this works. If you wait to receive without giving, then you will not get what you want. If you want to receive, you need to give.
Let’s say for example that partner A has a love language of Acts of Service and partner B has the love language Physical Touch. Oh boy! Those 2 love languages are so different. That means if partner A wants physical touch, partner A needs to do acts of service. Do you know what their acts of service are? I’m guessing you don’t so you’re going to need to ask. Is it making dinner or going food shopping? Figure out what they are and do them. In return, you will need to ask for your love language which is a hug or a kiss and Bam, you are flying high!!
What happens when life gets busy and you’re both stressed out and just want to receive without giving? Well, you’re not going to receive or give and then the fights happen. To avoid all of that, give and receive to get what you want, which is a mutually agreeable relationship!!
PS. Here is my video series on love languages if you want a more in-depth look on love languages. I also have a Free Report on Love Languages.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you after you take your love language quiz and find out what language you have.
Your bed or mine?
As a couple’s therapist I meet couples who want to work on their relationship of course and I have noticed that more and more couples do not sleep in the same bed together for various of reasons so i ask the simple question, should couples sleep in the same bed?
The Pros
Connection
Okay, yes if you have an enormous bed this might not apply to you but if you have a queen size bed like I do, then you can relate. At some point in the night, you will be in contact with your partner and that forms a connection.
Better Sleep
This can go both ways but I’m going to say that couples that sleep together get better sleep. Why, you ask? Because you have learned to ignore the outside noises that your partner makes and can overlook things. Better to sleep with for sure!
Pillow Talk
Along with the physical connection, you can have an emotional connection. We use our before bedtime for our “talk about the day ritual.” You can use it however you choose to, but do something to help you connect.
Couple Before Parents
Just going to put this one out there because it’s so needed. You are a couple and when your little lovies go to sleep, they are sleeping in their own beds, not in yours. That is the time for you to recharge, rejoice and enjoy being a couple.
The Cons
Different Schedules
If one of you works days and one of you works nights, then you cannot sleep together. If you can have a nap together at some point in the day, take it!
Health Problems
If one of you is sick or going through medical problems, then it makes sense to sleep apart, if it can be temporary then that’s best.
Fighting
Okay, I’m going to throw out the old myth that you should make up before bed. Sometimes you just can’t and you need a break from each other and that’s okay as long as you make-up and talk about it.
Sleep For Your Children
I’m a big believer in having children sleep in their own rooms, if you are working on this and need to sleep in there to get them used to it, go ahead, it’s only temporary.
Drum Roll Please
The bottom line is you should always sleep together. Yes, there are reasons you will need to sleep apart and let’s make sure that those are temporary. Sometimes it’s just easier to sleep apart, and we all know relationships are not easy. Take the time to make things work and work on it. If you need to sleep apart, still have those cuddle times and those “pillow talks”.
Do you sleep together or apart? I’m waiting to hear!
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Take our communication and intimacy quiz if you want to see how connected you are https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/communication
Take a FREE Quiz: Communication and Intimacy
Is it a party of one or two?
So, who goes out to dinner alone? If you do, do you fully embrace the experience or do you bring a book to read? I’ve done it a few times and sometimes it’s okay, other times I would like company. I guess that’s me and eating is a social thing for me.
What about other activities? Would you go to the movies alone? That’s a little different than eating by yourself, at least for me it is. What about going to therapy alone to work on your relationship? What do we think of that?
I’m a couple’s therapist and I work with couples. Could I work with one person in the couple to help the relationship? That’s what we are going to talk about today and when it’s appropriate to have a party of one or two!
Let’s start with individual therapy
You want to improve yourself for your partner
To me this is the #1 reason people come see me individually. Let’s say you have something from your past or something from your present that holds you back from fully engaging. Talking alone could help with your relationship.
You want to start therapy but your partner doesn’t
It happens, you are looking for changes, your partner doesn’t think there should be changes. Yes, it’s okay to call and come in yourself. You can bring those changes home with you. It’s called the “ripple effect” One change can lead to multiple changes. Always worth trying.
Your partner tells you that you need to be FIXED!
I love this one and yes it’s true that people need to be fixed, but the system needs to be fixed. It takes 2 people to fight or 2 people to be good together. If you need to be fixed, sure let’s work on what needs to be fixed.
Couples together time
Communication
If you have trouble communicating, let’s work on it in the same room. The only way we are going to make changes if we work together on this.
Intimacy
Ok, you’re thinking of more annoyances than love lately. When was the last time you kissed your partner? If intimacy has faded, then it’s a good idea to work on the reasons it faded and how we can get it back.
Big life decisions
If you have disagreements on the big stuff which to me is parenting, money or religion to name a few, let’s talk about it together once we work on the communication and the intimacy!
Affairs
Yes, as hard as it is, and I’m not going to lie, it is very hard to work on, if you are going to recover, you both need to be committed to working on it together. It is possible and yes it is challenging.
Change only happens if change occurs
There are always more in each category but the bottom line is, if you want to work together, come in together, if your partner is not ready, come in by yourself.
Whomever is willing to do the work, that person will change and hopefully your relationship will change.
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
We’re into the month of January, so how are those New Year’s plans coming along? Are you working on yourself? Are you thinking about going back to school or changing jobs? Have you been thinking about your relationship lately and how it’s going? How often do you think about leaving your relationship? What are your motivation for staying?
Let’s break down the reasons to stay or leave
Reasons for staying!
Love – Okay, I picked an easy one to start with. Yes, but do you still love your partner? If you do, then staying is an easy decision to make because whatever’s going on doesn’t seem so bad compared to how you feel about your partner.
Compatibility – Do you agree about the big stuff? Are you able to find shows to watch together? Is picking dinner a battle? If you agree on the big stuff, then that is something to really think about when you’re looking at the big picture.
Communication – How well do you communicate? Do your needs get met? If they do, that’s golden and to me, that’s the #1 reason to stay. If you and your partner communicate well together, you are set for life!
Work well together – Have you been talking forever about things and they don’t get resolved or have you seen improvements on the thousands of things that need to change? If you’re both working on things and willing to keep working on them, that’s the real deal right there!
Reasons for leaving!
Children/family – So, are you wondering why I put this here? Staying for the sake of the children is a bad idea. Lots of people do it but some realize that they don’t have to and their children will be okay if they are separated. Your children want you to be happy, not just for them but truly happy. If you cannot do that together then it’s okay to separate.
Abuse/Addiction – I’m going to put these two together because they have similar qualities to them. If you’re with someone that has an addiction or is abusive to you and will not get help for themselves, then that’s a reason to leave. It’s okay to and you can do it!
Changed directions – What about the situation that we hear about all the time that you drift apart. It happens. Life takes on new roles for people. If you weren’t working on staying connected and you’re in new places in your life, then maybe splitting up is good for you or maybe you can try, up to you.
No passion – Okay, we get it, together for 20 years, yes, the passion dies down, but what’s left in its place? There needs to be something there to connect you two. If not, you’re better off leaving.
And what about infidelity?
Okay, not sure if you’re wondering why i didn’t add cheating to either of these lists? Since, affair work is my passion and it’s what I do, I can say that it falls into both categories depending on the situation and how it’s dealt with. It’s easier to leave, but so much more rewarding to stay and work through things.
So, who agrees with my list? Anything I majorly missed? Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
And if you’re thinking about therapy, take this free quiz now https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling