Okay, true story that happened today and I had to reflect on it and then share it with all of you.  So, my husband reached out to me for emotional support about something that happened at work and he was feeling bad about it.  I had to think about what I was going to say to him, to not make him feel any worse and try to boost him up.  When I heard him tell me what he did, my first thought was not very nice and I almost said, “I told you so.”  Luckily for me and our relationship I caught myself and remembered all the wonderful ways to boost your partner instead of putting them down.

For the most part when someone is coming to you to tell you that they made a mistake, regret what they did or wronged someone, they already feel bad about what they did.  Guilt is eternal and if they are feeling guilty already there is no reason to use these words “I told you so”.

We have an exercise in The Gottman Method called the stress reducing conversation.  It is a conversation between you and your partner that has nothing to do with your relationship.  The whole idea is to be an emphatic listener, not to solve the problem and to most importantly, not to side with the enemy!  The enemy can be anyone that you feel is right and your partner is wrong.  If your partner is coming to you with a sincere conversation, now is not the time to tell them all the faults about who they are.  I know it might take some restraint to hold your tongue and just listen, give emphatic support and learn something new about something that happened to your partner.  The hardest part is not to give advice or criticize them while they are talking.

So, in a nutshell, there is never a good time to say “I told you so.”  If you feel those words coming out of your mouth, take a breathe and remember that you love your partner and they already feel bad about their actions.  You making them feel worse will just push you two further away.  Giving support when your partner needs it the most is what makes a hard relationship great!  Learning how to encourage, support and love your partner unconditionally is all that they need to hear when they come to you.  Because if they are coming to you, it means you are their person to share and get emotional support from.  When you start making them feel bad, they might stop coming to you first and find someone else to share with.  When this happens, your relationship suffers.

Yes, I am saying that if your partner shares with you, you give emotional support and that is what I did.  I learned a lesson today and wanted to share it with all of you.  Relationships are always work and thinking about your partner’s needs before yours is something that keeps you together.  Enjoy each other and support each other.  We know the world is hard enough to be told,”I told you so.” by your partner.