Tag Archives: criticism
Why Criticism Hurts—And What to Say Instead
June 6, 2025
From a Couple’s Therapist Who’s Seen It All
Find out why criticism hurts in relationships and what to say instead. A couple’s therapist breaks it down with simple, real-life advice to help couples communicate with more care.
Ever had a fight with your partner and thought:
“That didn’t go the way I wanted it to…”
Maybe you were just trying to make a point, but before you knew it, one of you was defensive, the other was shutting down, and you were both emotionally checked out.
You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not broken.
But let’s talk about what’s actually happening—and how to fix it.
😣 Why Criticism Hits So Hard
When you say something like:
- “You never listen to me.”
- “Why do you always make everything about you?”
- “You’re just lazy when it comes to this stuff.”
…it might seem like you’re expressing frustration. But your partner? They hear it as an attack. That’s because criticism doesn’t just point out a problem—it makes it personal.
In therapy terms, it sounds like:
“You’re not just forgetting to do the dishes—you’re irresponsible as a person.”
And that’s why your partner gets defensive. Their brain hears danger, not “constructive feedback.”
🧠 A Quick Brain Science Moment
Our brains are wired to scan for threat. And even though you’re not in a battlefield, your nervous system still reacts like it is when someone criticizes you—especially someone you love.
So instead of solving anything, you both end up in a loop:
- Criticism → Defensiveness
- Defensiveness → Escalation
- Escalation → Shutdown
Sound familiar?
🗣️ Okay… So What Do You Say Instead?
Here’s the good news: you can totally get your point across without triggering World War III. Here’s how:
✅ 1. Start with an “I” Statement
❌ “You never help me.”
✅ “I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help.”
Why it works: You’re sharing your experience, not attacking theirs.
✅ 2. Be Specific, Not Sweeping
❌ “You’re always on your phone.”
✅ “I felt hurt when I was telling you something important and you were scrolling.”
Why it works: It keeps the conversation grounded in a moment—not a personality flaw.
✅ 3. Make a Clear Ask
❌ “You don’t care about me.”
✅ “Could we put our phones down for dinner so we can connect?”
Why it works: It gives your partner a clear, loving way to show up for you.
✅ 4. Keep Your Tone Soft
Let’s be honest—how you say something is often more important than what you say.
Before you speak:
- Take a deep breath
- Ditch the sarcasm
- Think: “Would I want someone saying this to me?”
✅ 5. Lead with Validation
Start with something kind—even just acknowledging that they’ve had a long day.
“I know you’ve been juggling a lot lately. There’s something I’d love to talk about when you’re ready.”
Why it works: It lowers defenses. They’re more likely to listen (and less likely to snap back).
❤️ Real Talk: We All Criticize Sometimes
Nobody communicates perfectly all the time—not even therapists. But the couples who learn to shift from criticism to curiosity? They fight less, laugh more, and feel safer with each other.
You can totally do this. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being intentional.
✨ Want to Get Better at This—Together?
If you and your partner are stuck in the same old arguments, therapy can help you break the cycle.
I work with couples who want to:
- Communicate without blowing up
- Feel more connected, not criticized
- Rebuild trust and teamwork
👉 Click here to schedule a free consultation. Let’s help you both feel heard, supported, and on the same team again.
How To Let Go Of Trying To Be The Perfect Partner
June 26, 2024
You know what they say — nobody’s perfect. But that doesn’t stop you from trying your darndest to be the absolute best partner. You go above and beyond to keep them happy. You give it your all daily, determined to be everything they want or need. But the truth is, all that pressure you put on yourself will only backfire. Trying to be perfect will take its toll, leaving you exhausted, frustrated, and like a failure when you inevitably fall short. So, how do you learn to relax? How do you ignore unrealistic expectations and focus on being yourself?
Why You Should Let Go of Trying to Be Perfect
Being in a relationship means accepting your partner as they are, flaws and all. Similarly, you should allow yourself the same grace. Here are a few reasons why you should release yourself from the need to be perfect:
- You’re setting unrealistic expectations. No one is perfect, so expecting that of yourself or your partner is unrealistic and unfair. Focus on appreciating each other as you are.
- It leads to anxiety and self-doubt. Constantly worrying that you’re not measuring up can fill you with anxiety, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. Learn to accept yourself and embrace your imperfections.
- It creates distance in the relationship. If you’re always trying to hide your flaws and put on an act of perfection, you can’t achieve true intimacy and connection. Let your guard down and allow your partner to see the real you.
- You miss out on growth opportunities. Imperfection allows us to learn and grow. Accepting your flaws and shortcomings and those of your partner gives you room to learn from your mistakes, develop new skills, and become better people.
How to Embrace Imperfection and Deepen Your Connection
Let go of trying to be the “perfect” partner. The truth is, that’s a myth. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and every person has flaws, quirks, and imperfections. You’re going to make mistakes and bad decisions sometimes. Learn to forgive yourself. Your worth isn’t defined by your perceived flaws or shortcomings. Love yourself for who you are.
Stop Criticizing and Start Appreciating
When you try to be perfect, you are more prone to seeing the flaws in others. It’s easy to get caught up in criticizing your partner’s messy habits or tendency to be late. But criticism, no matter how constructive, erodes intimacy. Try to notice what you appreciate about your partner each day. Appreciate the joyful moments you share. Express gratitude for your partner and relationship. The good times far outweigh the bad if you try to notice them. Create more opportunities to bond over new experiences. Concentrate on developing your strengths and the qualities that make you a good partner.
Accept That You Will Disagree
No two people see eye to eye all the time. Learn to accept disagreement and conflict as a natural part of a healthy relationship. Stay calm and listen to each other rather than attacking or becoming defensive. Some of the deepest intimacy comes from working through challenges together. Learn to compromise by listening to other perspectives, finding common ground, and willingness to meet in the middle. A compromise that satisfies both parties is ideal. Know when to agree to disagree.
Embrace Vulnerability
Share your deepest fears, longings, and imperfections with your partner. Be fully yourself, without pretense or judgment. Make it safe for them to do the same. Vulnerability is the foundation of emotional intimacy and connection. When you embrace imperfection, drop your masks, and reveal your true selves to each other — that’s where the magic happens.
We all want to be the perfect partner, but trying too hard to be flawless only leads to anxiety, resentment, and feeling like a fraud. No one is perfect, so stop putting pressure on yourself and your relationship. Book an appointment with us, and we’ll provide an outside, unbiased perspective to help you work through challenges together.