From a Couple’s Therapist Who’s Seen It All

Find out why criticism hurts in relationships and what to say instead. A couple’s therapist breaks it down with simple, real-life advice to help couples communicate with more care.

Ever had a fight with your partner and thought:
“That didn’t go the way I wanted it to…”

Maybe you were just trying to make a point, but before you knew it, one of you was defensive, the other was shutting down, and you were both emotionally checked out.

You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not broken.
But let’s talk about what’s actually happening—and how to fix it.

😣 Why Criticism Hits So Hard

When you say something like:

• “You never listen to me.”
  
• “Why do you always make everything about you?”
  
• “You’re just lazy when it comes to this stuff.”
  

…it might seem like you’re expressing frustration. But your partner? They hear it as an attack. That’s because criticism doesn’t just point out a problem—it makes it personal.

In therapy terms, it sounds like:

“You’re not just forgetting to do the dishes—you’re irresponsible as a person.”

And that’s why your partner gets defensive. Their brain hears danger, not “constructive feedback.”

🧠 A Quick Brain Science Moment

Our brains are wired to scan for threat. And even though you’re not in a battlefield, your nervous system still reacts like it is when someone criticizes you—especially someone you love.

So instead of solving anything, you both end up in a loop:

• Criticism → Defensiveness
  
• Defensiveness → Escalation
  
• Escalation → Shutdown
  

Sound familiar?

🗣️ Okay… So What Do You Say Instead?

Here’s the good news: you can totally get your point across without triggering World War III. Here’s how:

✅ 1. Start with an “I” Statement

❌ “You never help me.”
✅ “I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help.”

Why it works: You’re sharing your experience, not attacking theirs.

✅ 2. Be Specific, Not Sweeping

❌ “You’re always on your phone.”
✅ “I felt hurt when I was telling you something important and you were scrolling.”

Why it works: It keeps the conversation grounded in a moment—not a personality flaw.

✅ 3. Make a Clear Ask

❌ “You don’t care about me.”
✅ “Could we put our phones down for dinner so we can connect?”

Why it works: It gives your partner a clear, loving way to show up for you.

✅ 4. Keep Your Tone Soft

Let’s be honest—how you say something is often more important than what you say.

Before you speak:

• Take a deep breath
  
• Ditch the sarcasm
  
• Think: “Would I want someone saying this to me?”
  

✅ 5. Lead with Validation

Start with something kind—even just acknowledging that they’ve had a long day.

“I know you’ve been juggling a lot lately. There’s something I’d love to talk about when you’re ready.”

Why it works: It lowers defenses. They’re more likely to listen (and less likely to snap back).

❤️ Real Talk: We All Criticize Sometimes

Nobody communicates perfectly all the time—not even therapists. But the couples who learn to shift from criticism to curiosity? They fight less, laugh more, and feel safer with each other.

You can totally do this. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being intentional.

✨ Want to Get Better at This—Together?

If you and your partner are stuck in the same old arguments, therapy can help you break the cycle.

I work with couples who want to:

• Communicate without blowing up
  
• Feel more connected, not criticized
  
• Rebuild trust and teamwork
  

👉 Click here to schedule a free consultation. Let’s help you both feel heard, supported, and on the same team again.