Let’s Talk Emotions

I am a Gottman couples’ therapist and I love working with couples. I get to see the transition from hurt, angry, distant to loving, intimate and enjoying each other. Understanding your emotions is not easy, but yes, it is possible.

How is it possible, you ask?

I help couples talk from their feelings and not talk for the other person.  When I first start with a couple, I explain to them that they are both right.  I go on to say that they’ll need to learn how to empathize with their partner’s feelings. That is confusing for some while the word feelings and empathy are scary to others.  I’m a witness to the transformation of what happens when you talk from your own perspective and take responsibilities for your actions.

Here are the key points in speaking about emotions that I try to get across to everyone and would like to spread the magic even further with this post. Here goes!

1. Talk from the “I” position

The easiest way to do this in the beginning is to state I feel _____, I need _____. Do not use the words always and never and the word you. Instead of telling your partner what you don’t like about them, tell them how it feels when they do that. For example: instead of saying “You never help around the house,” you could say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now with everything I need to do and I need us to work better as a team.” You’re saying the same thing, just saying how you feel instead of blaming.

2. Taking responsibility for your actions

This is one of the horseman and it is called defensiveness. When you are defensive you are either blaming others, playing the victim or not realizing what you are doing. For example-Instead of saying, “I help clean up around the house, you just don’t see it.” You can say, “I hear you are saying that you are overwhelmed and I understand, I see how you can feel that way and I will do my part to help around the house more.

3. Be nice

I’m not talking about when things are good, I’m talking all the time. You are not going to get what you want from being rude and yelling. That doesn’t work. If you are nice, say please and thank-you. Work together as a team, you will learn to appreciate all the things you do and be able to see all the things your partner does as well.

4. Listen, Listen and Listen

Yes, it is nice to talk to your partner, but what you really need to do is to listen and give emphatic support back. Listening and being able to focus on what your partner is saying without making it personal is the trick to happiness here folks. Try it out tonight. Have a conversation and listen to each other. Practice with things outside your relationship first before you go to relationship topics please.

5. Rituals of connection

I talk about this all the time! Connect in the morning, connect at night, find ways to stay connected during the day, talk about fun stuff, deep stuff and laugh together. Learn ways to enjoy each other, always act as if you are dating and ask each other out all the time.

Your Thoughts?

As with every post, I would love to hear your thoughts!  Do you do any of these in your relationship already? Of course there is more and that will be for next time.

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Cheers for now!

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