11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Tag Archives: therapy
How Do You Focus on the Big Picture?
So, how did you two first meet?
When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?” This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk. How do we focus on the big picture?
I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.
My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.
So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning? Here are some tips.
1. Relook at your wedding album
These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.
2. Ask your partner out on dates
It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!
3. Do your rituals of connection
If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.
4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting
Again I talk about this one quite a lot. Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.
5. Share alone time with friends/families
Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other. Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!
Wrapping Up
All of these are about create intimacy between you both. It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash? It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal. Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.
Professionals United for Parkland (PU4P)
I’m so excited to be a part of the the Professionals United for Parkland (PU4P). I had the pleasure of doing an interview (see below) about our work and what we’ve been up to and I haven’t written about it personally yet and, as I said in the interview, it is very personal to me.Read More
How Do You Know if Your Partner is Supportive?
It’s Tough
If anyone is wondering, yes, it’s extremely hard to be married or in a relationship with a therapist, especially a therapist that specializes in couples. Why, you ask? Well, if you can’t fix your own relationship, how can you fix others? At least that’s how I view it. I tell my clients all the time that I practice what I preach and that what I teach them, I do as well.
Do I Do it All the Time?
Of course not. Do my husband and I fight? Of course we do. Do I yell at my children or others at times? Yep, yelling at the top of my lungs. I have to say that I don’t strive to achieve perfection because I have no idea what that even means. What I strive for, and I’d hope that you would too, is happiness, balance and fulfillment in your days.
Is Your Partner Supportive?
Let’s get to the part where you ask yourself, “is my partner supportive of me?” It’s so hard to see sometimes, especially when you have different love languages and your partner is trying to do good. Sometimes, all you see is the negative. You try to do good but all they see is negative. So how can we figure out if our partners are supportive?
- Parenting together- Do you back each other up when it comes to parenting? Does your partner support what you say even though they might not agree? If so, you can check this one as being supportive.
- Celebrations- Does your partner celebrate you? It might not be what you want but do they try? If so, then say thank you and wait until later to tell them how to do it better.
- Talk about stress- Are you two talking about outside stressors? Do you feel better knowing your partner has your back? If you feel your partner has your back, you have this one!
- Supporting outside friendships- Do you two have friends? If so if you want to have a girls/guys night out is that okay? It’s healthy to have outside friends and interests and it’s enjoyable to come back and talk about them.
- Sharing household duties- This might be the hardest one that you can see because you both are so busy with work, life, children and even the pets that it’s hard to see what your partner is doing. If your partner is trying and doing then you are working as a team!
I’m not going to overload this list because once you talk too much sometimes the negative comes out. With each positive there can be negatives.
The Bottom Line
You need and should feel supported by your partner and if you aren’t, then you need to talk to them about it and find ways to improve. Yes, there are always ways to improve our imperfect lives. We’re striving for perfect, we’re striving for love and respect!
Let’s all take a moment and think about how we are loved and respected and as always please share how you feel.
Do you want to start your Second Marriage?
I work with couples
I work with couples, as you all know by now. When I meet my wonderful clients, I meet them at a time in there lives when things could be better. Well, that was a nice way to say it. Typically, people only reach out for help when things are really bad. I would love to change that and have people reach out to me when things are good, but that’s for another blog.
When I meet with people, especially the ones that go through affair recovery, (yes, you can recover from an affair) I use the term “second marriage“, or “second relationship” for those not married.
What is a Second Marriage?
I use the Gottman Method with my couples. Especially when going through an affair it’s hard to give up everything about your relationship. I know most people believe it’s a deal breaker but that is before it happens to you and then you’re in a state of shock and you have history together.
What do you do? Throw it all away? Discard all of the good times because of the bad? If you are coming to me for help, you know that I tell people that they’re much stronger after the affair recovery because it takes a lot of guts and sweat to get through it, for both partners. For the accused it takes guts to talk about the affair and for the innocent, to hear about it. It’s painstaking no matter which way you look at it and that’s where the second relationship comes in. It’s called the Second Marriage.
How does it work?
We use the sound relationship house as a guide to repair the relationship. We realize through this repair that you don’t want to go back to the old ways. Whether you didn’t communicate enough or lost intimacy or passion, there were things missing that led you to my office and into this new marriage… things will be different!
You get to decide to say how you feel, understand that being hurt is okay and can make you stronger and how to lean on your partner instead of turning away. This second marriage is the one you used to have, or maybe never did, but it is the one that you leave my office with.
It’s not just for affairs
If you are struggling with your partner and would like a chance at your second marriage, let’s talk and figure out what that means to you. Let’s figure out how we can get you to your happy!
How much should you work on your relationship for it to work?
This is the biggest question I get asked when couples come to see me. How much should I work on my relationship? The bigger question that comes from this is “how do I work on my relationship?”
Where Do I Start?
When I meet people, they’re usually not in a good place in their relationship, because realistically who comes to therapy when they’re happy? I get to ask and work on relationships when they’re angry at each other. Once we get working and we get things a bit better, I send them off to work on things on their own.
So, how many people continue to work on their relationship after therapy is over? I would like to think everyone but that’s not true. For the most part, I don’t often see people again because I give them the skills to communication and the tools to resolve conflict.
Back to the Question
Back to the question at hand, how much should you work on your relationship? I would say at least 5 hours a week. Let’s spell it out.
- Find a time to date. Yes. ask your partner out on a date and switch it up each week. If the kids are in school, go for a lunch date. If they’re not, try to get a babysitter once a week.
- Have a conversation about each other. Listen to your partner with emphatic ears and return the favor. Don’t try to solve any problems, simply listen to each other every night. This is called The Stress Reducing Conversation.
- Have rituals of connections where you greet each other and say goodbye. Do this every day and if you forget, try again the next day.
- Come up with conversations that don’t have anything to do with the house, kids, jobs or extended family. Date talk!
- Most importantly, put those phones down and look at each other. For an hour a week or even more, declare your relationship technology free and enjoy each other’s company!
It’s really that Simple?
Yes, it is that simple and no, it isn’t that complicated. When you feel connected, you are are more open to overlook the small stuff such as leaving shoes out or forgetting to take out the trash. Staying connected emotionally and physically is so important to your relationship, and yes, you do need to actively make the time to do it, and yes, it is only 5 hours a week. Enjoy each other and remember that you love each other and want to talk to each other.
Tell me how you reconnect each week? Leave a comment below!
Can you recover from an affair?
When clients come to my office, I get tears, anger and this question “Can we recover from this?” My answer? Yes! Yes you can but it’s not going to be easy and there’s a lot of work that needs to be done. Here’s the checklist that I tell my clients.Read More
Why do people have affairs?
So, here’s the story you hear all the time. Two people meet, the attraction is so intense that they cannot keep away from each other and they have an affair, they cheat. Okay, flash to reality and anyone that’s been involved in an affair knows that isn’t really how it happens.
Here’s a more likely story that you might relate to.Read More
Can Relationship Counseling Work with Just One Person?
I cannot tell you how many times, I either get a call or see someone in person and the first thing they say to me is, “I have wanted to come for awhile but my partner would not come so I got tired of waiting and came myself.” My answer is always, good for you and I can honestly say that coming for yourself will help you improve yourself and your relationship. Do you believe me? Let’s look at the reasons
1. The ripple effect: I explain this effect a lot and it was introduced to me early in my schooling when you drop a rock into the water and it skims on the surface it creates a ripple. The same thing happens when you start to make changes within yourself, you and those around you will benefit from those changes, sometimes for the better and sometimes it works the opposite way and you realize you are not happy and end things. Regardless, change occurs.
2. Your partner is always present: The goal in couple’s therapy is to stay neutral and listen to both sides equally and give sound advice. Its harder to do with one person but doable. Any of my clients can tell you that I side with the one that makes the most sense but in a couple both sides are right and a compromise is always obtainable with the right way to look at a situation.
3. Adding your partner later: This one has to do with the first two and usual happens if the person in therapy is making positive changes and the other partner wants to come and work. At least one person should be in the therapy room and be working on the relationship.
Coming to therapy is a hard, long decision that most people do not make lightly. When you are angry, you want change but you are unsure how to go about it. Therapy can help untangle things and work-out what needs to really be worked on. Trust me it works whether it’s with one person or two. Just make the call and try and see where it leads you!
Communication is the Key
If you have ever been in my therapy office, you would have heard me say these words…
“If you are thinking about it, then say it!”
Communication is so important in a relationship and the only way the relationship moves forward. I have had couples come to me and say that the true meaning of love is being able to finish each other’s sentences. I tell them that leads to assumptions and fights!
I think we have all been out to dinner and see couples who just do not talk and when things are good, you joke with each other that will never happen to us! Well, fast forward a few years with life, stress, family and all the other things that can come into your life you are now that couple that has nothing to say to each other. What do you do?
My clients will tell you that I am constantly giving them tips on how to communicate to avoid a fight and here is a communication exercise that I gave to a couple recently and I thought I would share it with all of you.
How do you start talking when all you have been doing is fighting and talking about kids, house, etc? I call this the communication game. You and your partner pick different topics to talk about each night. Some of the ones we came up with are:
- Humor
- Family
- Goals
- Intimacy
- Emotions
- Listening
- Board game night
These are just examples on how you can start communicating again. Try doing this for 15 minutes each night. If you need to add a fight night, then do so, if you need to add 2 fight nights then that’s okay as well. The trick is to get talking and reconnecting as a couple.
As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated!
Stress Seminar
We had another great seminar last Wednesday. Here’s the video for those that were unable to attend. See you next time!