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What is Financial Infidelity?
When someone thinks of the word infidelity, their first thoughts often travel to having a physical affair with someone. While this might be the first thing that pops into your mind, it isn’t the only form of infidelity that someone can commit. In fact, there are several others, including emotional infidelity and financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is more common than you might believe. After all, they say that one of the main reasons couples argue is due to financial stressors in their relationship. Many signs of financial infidelity often go unnoticed by the other partner. While financial infidelity is not often discussed in society, it is a pervasive problem in some relationships.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
First, it should be noted that unnecessary spending or poor budgeting habits do not necessarily mean financial infidelity is being committed. Instead, financial infidelity is when someone is being untruthful or secretive about financial aspects of their life. This can be especially problematic for couples who share bank accounts, but all couples can suffer the consequences because of it.
Many consequences can result from financial infidelity. One of the biggest ones is that it impacts the relationship itself. Regardless of what they are about, secrets can be a root cause of tension and stress in a relationship. Secondly, when there are secrets regarding finances, it can cause the person hiding this big secret to continue to spiral out of control.
Signs of Financial Infidelity
While there are a variety of signs of financial infidelity, the following list highlights the most common ones that people can experience.
Secretive Spending Habits
As we said above, financial infidelity does not necessarily mean someone has poor spending habits. However, it becomes a sign of financial infidelity if someone is hiding these spending habits. They might have a shopping addiction that causes them to hide their purchases from their partner. Or, they may have a deeper problem, such as gambling.
Extra Income Is Hidden
Let’s face it: we all are likely working extra hustles or overtime to make ends meet. It’s one thing to make extra income to help ease the financial burden or as a way to surprise your partner with a gift or a big trip. However, hiding additional funds from your partner can be seen as a sign of financial infidelity. This becomes a problem when money is concealed with the purpose of using it for things someone doesn’t want their spouse to know about.
Lying About Spending Habits With Shared Bank Accounts
It’s common for many long-term or married couples to share bank accounts when they are living with each other. After all, it makes it much easier to handle shared expenses such as mortgages, rent, or utilities if you pay for everything out of one bank account.
Oftentimes, one person is mainly in charge of handling these shared bank accounts, generally speaking. If the person in charge of the finances isn’t truthful about spending, that is a major violation of trust.
How To Deal With Financial Infidelity
While financial infidelity is hard to deal with, it is possible to move on from it. If you are a person who is being secretive about money, the first step is to bring it out to the open. Do you want to do that? Likely not, as there are probably feelings of shame, guilt, or not thinking it’s a big deal. But, financial infidelity, in many ways, can be a sign of a deeper-rooted issue within the relationship as well as your individual self.
If you are interested in learning more about emotional infidelity or couples therapy, reach out to learn more.
Healthy Conflict Can Create a Healthy Relationship
Healthy conflict seems like an oxymoron. After all, how can any type of conflict be good? While it may seem odd to say it, conflict in a relationship can be a good thing! You just need to know how to do it right.
Even though you and your partner mesh well and may share similar interests or hobbies, you are still two individual people. You may have a life together, but you also have your own things going on, such as careers or other obligations. Factoring all of this in, not knowing how to communicate with each other can be a recipe for disaster. All couples face these issues, especially the longer they are together.
If you are tired of repeating the same arguments and tension cycles, healthy conflict can create a better relationship. Here’s how to start.
How To Have Healthy Conflict In A Relationship
Be Honest, But Not Cruel
Let’s face it: we all experience times when our partner frustrates us. They may do or say things we wish they wouldn’t, or don’t, for that matter. We get into little arguments over seemingly pointless and dumb stuff that really doesn’t matter.
When facing stress and tension in our lives, we often blurt out how we feel or what we think about a certain situation. While you should always be honest with each other, there are better ways to go about it.
It may seem elementary to say this, but think before you speak. Instead of saying the first thing that comes to your mind, pause and ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to help the situation? How will my partner take this? Am I speaking from a place of honesty or anger?”
Listen Without Needing to Speak
We all want to be seen and heard by the people in our lives. Keep this in mind: your partner feels the same exact way. While you are in a discussion about something or disagreeing, listen to them and resist the urge to speak. That means trying not to interrupt them until they are finished.
You should still try to give cues that you are listening, such as nodding your head or even saying something like, “I understand.” But you should only interject if what you are going to say shows you are really listening. You’ll have time to say what you need to say!
Not interrupting each other can help conflict stay healthy instead of a screaming match when you are just talking over one another.
Treat Each Other With Respect
When communicating with each other, remember that you should always be respectful towards your partner in how you speak to them. That means you should avoid things like name-calling, belittling, or blaming them outright.
Shifting your language can also go a long way to ensure conflict stays healthy. For instance, your instinct may be to say something like, “You never listen to me!” Here, this can come off as accusatory and may cause them to become defensive. Instead, switch the language so it expresses how you feel. “I feel as if you haven’t been listening to me lately.” It is saying the same thing, essentially, but the approach is less accusatory.
How Therapy Can Help
It’s not easy to admit that you or your relationship is struggling. If we’re being honest, every relationship goes through ebbs and flows that test it. With that said, though, if you are finding yourselves in a toxic cycle of arguing, don’t be afraid to reach out for help through couples therapy or marriage counseling.
You can learn effective communication skills while getting to the root cause of the most tension and stress in your relationship.
Sweeping or Vacuuming?
Do you like to clean? Ugh have to admit, I kinda despise it. But I enjoy an organized house, not so much the deep cleaning. So you ask why am I talking about cleaning in my couple’s counseling blog? Well who has heard the term:
Let’s just sweep it under the rug
I meet way too many people in therapy that just do that and unfortunately I meet them when there isn’t any room under that rug. How much room do you still have left under that rug? Do you sweep things away for a later date?
People with attention problems know that when you leave something for later, you rarely go back to it. In couples counseling, you can always go back and try to work on what isn’t working. You swept it under the rug and now it’s time to deal with it. I bet there are some of the same issues 15 years ago that there are today so you don’t have to pick up the rug because the problems just keep on recycling.
What do people say?
What are some catch phrases that I have heard over the years about the rug?
“Oh, we just wanted to wait until the little ones were older.”
“Working on our careers and putting our relationship on the backburner.”
“When problems arise, just throw money at it, and forget it.”
“All couples have problems so we will just accept that this is the way it should be.”
Regardless of the reason you aren’t dealing with your problems, and you talk to me, we can talk it through. Couples counseling is a great way to work through your problems especially if you feel stuck or that rug is overflowing. I don’t care about all the problems, I care if you want to work on your relationship, is that spark there or are you already done? If you’re done, that rug won but if you still want to work, then let’s do the hard work.
Ready to talk?
Whether you like to clean or not, relationships take work and lots of communication. If you don’t know how to communicate and just push things aside, learning can help you with figuring out how to deal with conflict. You don’t have to fix everything but you need to learn to communicate and work on fighting and especially making up. Because what’s the point of fighting over the same stuff if you’re not going to move forward.
So, how big is the pile under your rug? Let’s hear about it and start to make that pile smaller by talking through some of those conflicts in the therapy room.
Table for one, please
Happy summer to you. I hope you’re doing well. This topic was on my mind since my children are in camp and I have some time to myself without the hassle and bustle of school.
What does it mean to be in a relationship but still yourself?
I get when people say, yeah, when they’re with me, they’re my partner, but not with me, they act as if they’re single.
Nope, that’s NOT okay in my book, is it okay in your book?
What do you do if you want to make changes in your relationship but your partner is a hard NO WAY to counseling. This is couples counseling for one!
First, let’s break down some of the reasons your partner doesn’t want to come to counseling.
- Counseling is scary- Anyone that has been in my room knows counseling is NOT scary, it’s real for sure. Especially with me because there’s no sugar coating things, but your relationship can be scary at times as well.
- I’m content and happy- This might be completely true. Your partner might not have anything to work on and you want them to come to counseling to work on things. This can also go back to the scary part.
- Busy, busy, busy- Yep, this is real and you are busy and you need to find some time to work on your stuff. Travel, children, work, life, etc all take up time. Hint hint, your relationship does as well!
Okay, these are just a few reasons someone might not want to come to couples counseling. Do you see anywhere on that list that your partner doesn’t love you? Nope, just because your partner isn’t ready to go to counseling with you doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they’re not ready.
What does all this mean for you?
Of course you can come to counseling by yourself! We can work on your relationship if your partner is not in the room, will just be us working on things for you to bring home to your partner. Can you grow together if only one of you is working? Yep, you can! And I’d like to challenge you to come in, see how it works and realize that there’s hope.
If you’re thinking about counseling, you love counseling but your partner doesn’t, then couples counseling for one is perfect for you.
Spread the word
Let everyone know that you can go to counseling by yourself even if you’re in a relationship just like you can go to eat by yourself and proudly say, “Table for one.”
I just updated my counsleing for one page and here’s the link https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/therapy-services/marriage-therapy/counseling-for-one/
I look forward to hearing what you think about couples counseling for one!
Can I Help You?
Hi
Happy summering from me to you! Are you enjoying the rain storms or waiting until autumn? I’ve lived in Florida for my entire life and I’m finding the weather to be more and more unpredictable than ever before. I used to play and then for an hour it would rain, then play some more. Now, it’s raining all day or looking like it’s going to rain.
I’m a creature of habit and of course I try to mix things up a bit in my life now and again. One thing I try to be consistent on is my belief that anyone that wants to work on their relationship can and should whether it’s with me or not. So, when someone comes to me and I have the first session, I say the same thing over and over again which is, “I have the tools to help you, you’re going to have to have the willingness to accept help.” I get a lot of “okay, sounds good” and for the most part it works. I help people or they decide that they don’t want help. I really try to think about how I can help everyone that wants help and I’ve come up with a few ideas on what I have seen work and what doesn’t work.
WHAT WORKS
- Consistency- Making your relationship a priority is the way to make it work. When people come to me, their relationship is usually on the back burner. To make this work, you need to commit to a certain time frame and put your relationship first. When you don’t it doesn’t work.
- The relationship is right- I meet a lot of really great people and they have a really great idea. When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to hear and understand your partner’s point. If you cannot do that, then this relationship will always be tipped in one direction. Remember the relationship is right.
- You’ve worked through your past- If you’re getting upset with your partner about things that previous partners did, then you haven’t successfully worked through your past yet and you need to do that, or at least acknowledge it.
- Emotions are okay- If you’re going to be in a relationship, at some point you’ll need to lean on your partner for something or else that’s not really a partner. Talking about emotions is okay and necessary to work on building trust in your relationship.
NOPE, NO WAY, THIS DOESN’T WORK
- Secrets- Nope, these don’t work in a relationship. If you have them, you’re betraying your partner in some way. Keeping things from your partner doesn’t help them.
- Getting stuck- If you’re stuck on the same problem week after week, it’s hard to get unstuck. Remember, the relationship is right, not the individual.
- Overloaded- Not sure why we do this, but when we get overloaded we tend to take things out on the ones we love. As a couple, you get the added bonus of a partner to help you out. If you’re overloaded, that’s not going to work.
- Addictions/non-med compliant- It is really hard to love someone and watch them love something more than you and you can’t help it. In order to be in a relationship with anyone else, you need to be okay with who you are first. If you’re addicted to anything or not taking medications the way you should, it’s time to work on yourself first, relationship second.
There’s lots of reasons counseling works and equally lots of reasons it doesn’t. I can only help if you want to be helped. Some people do, I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful. Some people don’t and still stay together. And some people break-up. What you get from your counseling experience is up to you.
Remember, I have the skills to help you, but I can’t force you to accept my help.
Let me know if I’ve helped or not helped and what you’d like to be different. I’m always open to feedback and can’t wait to hear from you!
It’s not me, perhaps it’s not you either
I get a ton of calls and emails about counseling and I’ve helped people out who aren’t a good fit for me. It gets a bit more complicated when you are looking for couple’s therapy and then the conversation goes a bit deeper.
Let’s see if we are a good fit to work together.
Not a Good Fit
- You are looking for someone that takes insurance – Okay, here’s my take on insurance. With any insurance company they need a diagnosis. Even if you are going to individual therapy, they will require a diagnosis. Who thinks there’s a diagnosis for couples’ therapy? There isn’t, but unfortunately, there still needs to be an identified patient and only one person gets billed. Nope, not what I’m into. I’ll happily help you submit your receipts to get reimbursed, but that’s up to you. I’ll also suggest if you want to use your insurance, look at your insurance panel for people in your network!
- If you are working on something that your not willing to share – I can only help you if you let me. If you hide things from me and hide things from yourself, then therapy will not be a good fit and I especially will not be a good fit.
- You’re not ready to change – Therapy only works if you want it to work. If you’re coming to make your partner happy or thinking they’ll change because you came, then it won’t work out for us.
Let’s Work Together
- Ready, set, go – You’ve done the work to accept that things need to be different and you’re willing to make changes in yourself.
- Regularity is the key – As with everything, the more you do it, the easier it is. Practice makes perfect. Why oh why do we not prioritize our own relationships and self-care? If you’re starting therapy, let’s make a commitment to set aside some time for it. It’s just an hour of your day and it’s so very cool when you’re present and ready to work!
- You’re ready but your partner isn’t – Being happy or even content in your life has nothing to do with anyone else. If you’re ready, pick up the phone and make an appointment. If you’re not, then don’t. If you’re waiting for the right time, I can tell you there is no right time. Let’s do this.
I’m interested helping, right?
There are a ton more reasons to work together than not. I’m only interested in helping people become better versions of themselves or remember why you fell in love with all those lovely quirks but now they annoy you.
When you make the decision to go to therapy, it should be a huge relief because now you have someone that can help you understand all those things that you don’t understand yourself. Shew, sounds good right. Hope so, let’s put the NOT’s aside and thing of the reasons to do this.
Look forward to connecting soon.
If you’re wondering if therapy is right for you, here’s a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling
Who are you talking to?
Who knows that my passion is working with affairs? The reason this has become my passion is because I see how much time and effort couples put into their relationship when they work through an affair.
YES! You can successfully work through an affair.
I’ve had a few conversations lately with people who didn’t really think they were having an affair. Of course it makes me wonder…
So what is an emotional affair?
By definition, the term emotional affair is used in the media to categorise or explain a certain type of relationship. High levels of non-sexual emotional intimacy in adults may occur without the participants being bound by other intimate relationships or may occur between people in other relationships. (Wikipedia)
Okay that’s the Wikipedia definition. I define emotional affairs as anyone that you’re talking to outside of your relationship that you enjoy talking to more than your partner.
Let’s break down some areas where the line gets shady on emotional affairs
- Texting only – Can you really be cheating if you never meet someone in person? Do you smile when you get the texts? Are you waiting to tell that person about your day? If so, yes you are CHEATING.
- Hiding sex toys – You can cheat without involving anyone else with sex toys by hiding them from your partner. If you wait until your partner leaves to pleasure yourself, then you are withholding info from them.
- It’s just lunch – Let’s say you have lunch with someone each week and you keep it casual, but you don’t share with your partner because you think they’ll get upset. Guess what? They will get upset because you aren’t sharing and the doubt creeps in.
- Bye bye, going to the gym now – Do you exercise at the same time everyday? Is there someone there that you see all the time and you two have gotten to be friendly. Do you get excited at the idea of seeing them? If so, this is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
Just remember that it wasn’t always so hard to talk to your partner and if you stop talking to them, you will find someone else to talk to. Have the hard conversations. Talk about your days. Share your inner world and stay connected.
As with everything I write, there is always more stuff to say and i do love it when you reach out and tell me what’s going on in your life. If you have an alternate way to explain emotional affairs, let me know. If you don’t agree with me, then let me know that too.
If you think your partner is cheating on you, here is a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/infidelity
Is it a party of one or two?
So, who goes out to dinner alone? If you do, do you fully embrace the experience or do you bring a book to read? I’ve done it a few times and sometimes it’s okay, other times I would like company. I guess that’s me and eating is a social thing for me.
What about other activities? Would you go to the movies alone? That’s a little different than eating by yourself, at least for me it is. What about going to therapy alone to work on your relationship? What do we think of that?
I’m a couple’s therapist and I work with couples. Could I work with one person in the couple to help the relationship? That’s what we are going to talk about today and when it’s appropriate to have a party of one or two!
Let’s start with individual therapy
You want to improve yourself for your partner
To me this is the #1 reason people come see me individually. Let’s say you have something from your past or something from your present that holds you back from fully engaging. Talking alone could help with your relationship.
You want to start therapy but your partner doesn’t
It happens, you are looking for changes, your partner doesn’t think there should be changes. Yes, it’s okay to call and come in yourself. You can bring those changes home with you. It’s called the “ripple effect” One change can lead to multiple changes. Always worth trying.
Your partner tells you that you need to be FIXED!
I love this one and yes it’s true that people need to be fixed, but the system needs to be fixed. It takes 2 people to fight or 2 people to be good together. If you need to be fixed, sure let’s work on what needs to be fixed.
Couples together time
Communication
If you have trouble communicating, let’s work on it in the same room. The only way we are going to make changes if we work together on this.
Intimacy
Ok, you’re thinking of more annoyances than love lately. When was the last time you kissed your partner? If intimacy has faded, then it’s a good idea to work on the reasons it faded and how we can get it back.
Big life decisions
If you have disagreements on the big stuff which to me is parenting, money or religion to name a few, let’s talk about it together once we work on the communication and the intimacy!
Affairs
Yes, as hard as it is, and I’m not going to lie, it is very hard to work on, if you are going to recover, you both need to be committed to working on it together. It is possible and yes it is challenging.
Change only happens if change occurs
There are always more in each category but the bottom line is, if you want to work together, come in together, if your partner is not ready, come in by yourself.
Whomever is willing to do the work, that person will change and hopefully your relationship will change.
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
It’s not you, it’s me
Hi and hope are doing well! I get on these kicks and my clients know that and put up with me and I want to share my last kick with you as well. No, it’s not you, it’s me. Who really believes it when someone says this to them? Have you ever had a break-up in your life and you heard this phrase? If so, welcome to the club. This phrase can be so hard to hear and I have finally cracked the code on what it means to me and I just wanted to share with you!
No, it’s not you, it’s me relates to the kick I’ve been on that deals with what you can control.
What you can control breaks down to this:
What you do and How you react
Seems pretty simple right, but how does this affect your relationship? Well, how many times have you blamed your partner for getting you upset? Have you really looked at those times and asked yourself, hey self how could I have reacted differently or what should I do differently next time?
Let’s break this down even further to what really changes a conversation to a fight. It’s called triggers and those are the things that really prevent you from controlling how you act and how you react. I can be the calmest person, but if I get triggered, watch out, either relationship tiger or mama bear can come out and attack at any moment.
What are some triggers and how do we notice them?
What Triggered Me…
- I felt excluded I felt powerless I felt unheard I felt scolded
- I felt judged I felt blamed I felt disrespected I felt lack of attention
- I felt uncared for I felt lonely I felt ignored I felt controlled
- I felt forgotten I felt unsafe I felt unloved I felt frustrated
- I felt disconnected I felt trapped I felt lack of passion I felt manipulated
You notice how all of these start with “I felt”?
I will tell you that when you are in an argument with someone that you love and you get triggered, it’s not them that causes you to get triggered, it’s you. Triggers are within us and they can control us or help us understand better.
Do you know your triggers? Did you know that you were getting triggered each time you had a fight about how you were feeling inside? If you didn’t know, this is the time to self reflect and start to understand what gets you upset and what triggers you, then you can begin to understand more about the concept, no, it’s not you, it’s me. Once you understand your triggers, or can at least identify one, reach out and let me know how you stopped yourself from getting upset.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Top 5 Reasons People Cheat
You saw the title, the Top 5 Reasons People Cheat. What do you think the number #1 infidelity reason is? Do you think it’s sex addiction? If you do, you’re wrong. Do you think that people that cheat end up divorced? Nope, not if I can help it.
What happens to make a relationship fall apart?
Life Happens
Yes, this sounds so vague, but it’s so true. You’re together for how many years? Your children sleep in your bed, you don’t get dressed for the day, date nights are laughable events that just don’t happen and you just drift apart.
Communication
Well, it’s really that you stop communicating when you find yourself drifting apart. Can you remember the last time you two just sat down and talked about things? Do you find yourself being able to talk to someone else more easily? Is that person a friend or is that person more than a friend?
Stressors
I’m talking about the life events that happen such as health problems, change in financial status or problems with extended family. Anything that affects both of you very much and you don’t deal with it. You just go along as if life is fine, until one day it isn’t and you don’t know how to handle things. These stressors can make you turn to the person that you can talk to, have fun with and forget about the stressors for awhile.
No More Fighting
You just read “no more fighting” and thought “Yeah!! This is a good thing right?” Wrong! When you stop fighting, you stop caring. If you care what your partner thinks, does, or says, then you’re still in it. When you get to the point that you just give up and are burnt out, that is the time that you reach out to the “other person.”
It Just Happens
I know, you don’t believe me but yes, it does just happen. It’s a mistake or things are bad or you want to act like a different person when you travel. It does just happen when all of the other things are not in place, so we will need to keep those things in place in order for those temptations at bay.
What Happens Afterwards?
I’m here to tell you that most people say that cheating is a deal breaker, but it’s 100% not the truth at all. If you’re together, whether married or just in a relationship for 20 years, that is a lot to give up for mistakes that have happened along the way. Give yourself a few moments to breathe and let’s see if we can work on this together for you.
I’m here to help and this is what I do. I guide couples through the ups and downs of this raw, emotional time. You don’t have to know what you want, you just have to show up and let the process work for you.
Thanks for listening and if you want more information on how we work on affair recovery, you can check out this https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/gottman-method/infidelity-therapy/