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Tag Archives: talking
How to Be an Advanced Listener
I figured I would give you a little time to read my last post “How to be a Great Listener” before I wrote this as a follow-up. Listening is so important in how you relate to your partner and so many people don’t do it.
Are you listening on how to be an advanced listener? If so, here it is.
Read Between the Lines
To be an even better listener, you need to read between the lines of what your partner is saying. You need to focus on HOW your partner is saying things, not just what they’re saying. You need to convey understanding. Examples are here to help:
Your partner says, “This apartment is my prison.” You say, “Wow, it sounds as if you are really trapped. Is that right? Am I getting it right?”
Your partner says. “I feel like the train has left and I’m still standing at the station.” You say, “So you feel as if the world is passing you by and your own life is at a standstill?”
Have Regular Stress Reducing Conversations
Find out who or what is stressing your partner. Know who the main people are in your partner’s life. Learn their names. Find out what is working in your partner’s life. Basically sit down with no distractions and talk/listen to each other at least 1x a week.
Just Be There and Listen
Yep, it is really that easy. Put down the phone, iPad, TV remote and have a conversation. Listen with empathy and understanding. Only give advice if your partner asks you to. Do not solve the problem or internalize it, you’re doing the work by listening and that’s enough to feel loved, supported and most importantly, an advanced listener!
Listening is a skill we have to learn along with all other skills
Try incorporating listening into your daily routine and see how your partner responds to you. Enjoy your new found connection through listening!
Communication is the Key
If you have ever been in my therapy office, you would have heard me say these words…
“If you are thinking about it, then say it!”
Communication is so important in a relationship and the only way the relationship moves forward. I have had couples come to me and say that the true meaning of love is being able to finish each other’s sentences. I tell them that leads to assumptions and fights!
I think we have all been out to dinner and see couples who just do not talk and when things are good, you joke with each other that will never happen to us! Well, fast forward a few years with life, stress, family and all the other things that can come into your life you are now that couple that has nothing to say to each other. What do you do?
My clients will tell you that I am constantly giving them tips on how to communicate to avoid a fight and here is a communication exercise that I gave to a couple recently and I thought I would share it with all of you.
How do you start talking when all you have been doing is fighting and talking about kids, house, etc? I call this the communication game. You and your partner pick different topics to talk about each night. Some of the ones we came up with are:
- Humor
- Family
- Goals
- Intimacy
- Emotions
- Listening
- Board game night
These are just examples on how you can start communicating again. Try doing this for 15 minutes each night. If you need to add a fight night, then do so, if you need to add 2 fight nights then that’s okay as well. The trick is to get talking and reconnecting as a couple.
As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated!
Let’s talk about working relationships!
Okay, so lately I will have a session and I think this will be a great blog. Yep, it happened again yesterday and just had to share my thoughts and as always hear what you have to say.
I was talking to a husband alone about his wife’s needs and how she wants him to be and he was struggling to get it until I put it in terms of work. When you go to work, you are there because you have acquired skills along the way that help you do your job. If at any point, those skills get out dated so will your job.
So, why do we view our relationships any different? Couples evolve over time and when your going through different stages of your life you need to adjust accordingly. How do you do that and always know how to work at your relationship job?
1. Communicate all the time. There is an assumption not sure if it’s from movies or not but if you are a good couple you know what your partner wants? That cannot be farer from the truth. Good couples communicate and do not assume they know what the other one wants. Communicate is the key to working on your relationship.
2. Taking time to talk about us, if you are mad that is not the time, cool off then talk when your calm.
3. Listening is crucial to this job, when you only talk and do not listen trouble happens.
4. Keep things fresh and new, find hobbies together so you always have things to talk about. Recreate your relationship whenever you want.
5. Forgive and forget-this is a hard one, but if your partner does that same thing over and over again, the only way to change is to forgive and forget and reevaluate what is going on.
6. Make time for each other, date nights at home or out does not matter where they are, just have fun as a couple!
Yes, relationships are work but the great thing about them is the more you work on them, the better they are!
If I left any important points out, please feel free to share.
Venting vs Therapy
I have always enjoyed being a therapist because I have the wonderful opportunity of listening and helping individuals with issues that are disrupting to their everyday life. I believe we all need an outlet for expression which leads me to think about the differences between talking in therapy and venting to friends/family.
I recently counseled a couple and when you have 2 people especially 2 angry people you have 2 sides to your story. In the therapy room, I can be a reasonable voice in what seems to be endless he said/she said issues. Therapy is all about using “I” statements, and listening to yourself, your partner and your therapist.
So I want to share my professional opinion about the difference between venting and therapy.
VENTING is usually a one way street of releasing your inner emotions to normally a friend or family member. Naturally you would assume that venting to family and friends is perfect because they care. Actually that could be the problem. People who care for you will either be happy or concerned about you. So their advice would be bias along those lines.
THERAPY: is with a professional who have put in years of schooling and has added degrees to the understanding human behaviors and effective interventions. The only bias therapists have is to see you at your best with problem solving advice and long term solutions.
CONFIDENTIAL
VENTING: Even though you love your friends and family, you know there are just somethings you don’t even want them to know. Plus friends usually involve other to help come up with a solution.
THERAPY: It allows you to open up from deep within your soul and express what’s hiding in the corner. Never feel judged or scared that information will be leaked. A therapist will respect your privacy and keep the conversation one-on-one.
DIAGNOSIS
VENTING: Usually venting allows an individual to let go of the issues inside with the HOPE of finding an answer or comfort from the listener. Most of the time the listener will tell who is venting just what they want to hear.
THERAPY: You will receive professional help for your situation. Therapists are objective. We will tell you the best solution for your issues that you deal with. Since we are not part of your life there is not a concern about tainting the friend relationship.
I felt I had to express my thoughts on this subject because many individuals and skeptics think that “venting” is all you have to do to feel better. While feeling better could be a state that a client might reach, have answers and issues resolved is euphoria for the mind and soul.