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Let’s Talk Betrayal
As you already know, I am a couple’s counselor and I’ve seen such a shift in what the word betrayal means and how trust breaks down. It’s become a passion of mine to help couples understand that:
- You can repair your relationship after a betrayal and
- Breaking trust is breaking trust.
Your relationship defines what that means so if you feel as if you have been betrayed then guess what? You are correct!
Let’s break down some areas of betrayal that most people think are okay but in reality they aren’t.
- Porn – This one is okay as long as your partner knows what you are doing and doesn’t feel neglected because of you watching porn. If it is a secret then you are breaking trust by not sharing and um…. Why does it need to be a secret anyways?
- Social Media – This again can be innocent or not depending on how you are viewing things. If you are liking posts that your partner wouldn’t necessarily want you liking, yep that’s NOT okay. If you’re posting pictures of your family, your trips, etc yep that’s okay.
- Money – Yep, if i hear someone say that oh I bought something but have to hide it from my partner, the trust is broken. Don’t hide, just say it loud and clear!
- Friendships – If you have to hide your friendship for any reason, then there might be something that is going to happen. Better be open about who you are talking with and how often you are talking to them.
The gist of these things is that when you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then you are potentially breaking trust. Just learn to share even if it is hard. If you feel that you’re doing something that will hurt your partner if they find out and that is the reason you are not sharing, well then you will eventually hurt your partner anyways.
Trust = Communication
– I can’t say that loud enough, so I will say it again
Trust = Communication
Let’s not have any misconception of values and intentions. Be open and honest and then we don’t have to worry about small betrayals leading to breaking trust.
Is it really over?
How has your summer been? Are you finding time to connect? Is life as crazy as ever or do you find more time to spend together? I’m hoping that its finding more time to spend together!
If you are spending more time together, is it fun? Are you arguing more? Do you notice that you have the same arguments about the same few things?
No, I’m not a mind reader, but most of us do this (Yes, me included.) When you are with someone, you inherit their problems, well there are problems to you and might not be to them. Regardless it makes you fight and when you do fight, how do you know that fight is completely done? Umm, not sure? Let’s talk about it.
I talk a lot about triggers with my couples and your core and what is really important to you. Meaning what will get you to fight and what can you let go? For me, it’s a lot about respect and feeling cherished. If I’m feeling those two things then I can let others go. If I’m not, then it seems as if the nit picking is through the roof!
So, how do you know that a fight is truly behind you?
Just the facts
Can you agree to just agree on this one? Are you sure? If your giving in, that’s not the same as agreeing so if you’re calm and talking about facts that’s a good sign!
Code words
Love can be complicated for sure and that includes fighting. If you have repeat fights over and over again, how about you come up with a code word to alert each other when that’s happening. Start to notice when you get into that pattern.
All the triggers
Once you know your triggers, you can figure out what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong. Remember it’s all within you. Your partner is not making you upset, you’re upset about something. Keep a record of what upsets you and try to be mindful of them.
Calm talking
Once you both have calmed down, sit down and talking about what happened. Talk about emotions, your perspective, your triggers, how you can take responsibility and what you are sorry about. Doing this whole process will help you truly move past this incident.
Is this easy?
Nope, no way, no how and nada. Truly moving past an argument that you have time and time again will help you learn how to work on the good stuff, stay connected and want to spend more quality time with each other!
Let’s stick with the sticky stuff
Are you doing okay? Lots to read lately I’m sure. We recently had our spring break and we took a family vacation!!! I’m excited and the best part is that it was budgeted beforehand. Yep, that’s right we have a budget and we talk about our budget twice a month. It’s a hard thing to talk about, it’s sticky and annoying and easier just to spend money, but guess what? You need to talk about the sticky stuff or else you shouldn’t be doing it.
Let’s talk about the sticky stuff or at least what I get all the time as sticky stuff.
Money
Might as well start with this one because I was just talking about it. If you are spending it, living it, then talk about it. Have a budget even if you aren’t living within your means right now. Being about to talk about it does help and trust me, it gets easier!
Sex
Yep, that’s right, if you’re doing it, you need to talk about it. Find out what’s working, what you enjoy, what’s not working and if you’re both satisfied with the amount of sex in your life. If you’re not, talk about it, if you are, then great, keep at it!!
Parenting styles
I talk about this one from time to time. Isn’t it cute when you see your partner laughing with your kids when it’s bedtime? NOPE, it’s bedtime. Well, to you it might be bedtime but for your partner, it might be bonding time. Again, don’t get mad, talk about it, find a common balance that works for both of you. Trust me, you don’t want to be with someone that thinks like yourself, that’s why you’re with someone different. Trust those differences and find a common balance.
Extended family
Um, so your partner wants you to take care of them when they are sick? What, you remember as a child being left alone and that’s how you like it. Are you kidding me, your partner’s mom is coming over to take care of them when they’re sick. Okay, you get the point. If your families think differently, that’s okay because guess what, you get to make up the rules now. Remember all of those rituals of connections, talk about them, come up with your own rituals and leave the extended family as extended.
I’m going to stop there because I’m hoping by now you get my point. Anything and everything can and should be talked about. It’s the sticky things that really should be talked about because they are even harder to talk about.
Do you talk about the sticky situations?
How does that work out for you? Did I miss yours? Tell me about it and also share how you talk through it.
I’m always open to hearing things you want me to write about. If you have a topic, please feel free to email me jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and share with me.
Workin’ for a livin’
Hope you’re well. We’re quickly approaching summer! Not sure about you, but it’s been super busy around here and I’m looking forward to the slower pace over the summer. We’ve had a lot of travel for work lately. My husband has had 3 business trips in the last 2 months and yes, I went to a Gottman Level 3 refresher course to get even more knowledge to help all of my couples!
That’s a lot of long distance time. I’ve been in a long distance relationship in the past and they are a struggle.
How do you manage when one or both of you is traveling for work?
Do you do the same rituals of connection that you do when you’re both home? It is easier or harder for you to stay connected?
For us, it’s much easier to stay connected when we’re both in the same house and staying connected has been a work in progress, but I can say that we have nailed it! I wanted to share some tidbits on what I believe works.
What’s Working
- Rituals of connections: Yes, it’s even more important to discuss about your day and work on those rituals while you’re away. Now is a good time to create new rituals to help you throughout the day to stay connected.
- Talk/FaceTime everyday: In the past it seemed more important for my husband to FaceTime with our children than with me. We lumped our talks together. Recently, we realized that talking to the kids was one thing, us chatting was another. Take some time and chat everyday. Even it is for a few minutes. But try to separate kid time and couples time if you can.
- Nighttime: Say goodnight to each other even if it’s through text or email. End the day and start the day with something to connect you. I know these are rituals but they’re the ones that I think are the most important.
- Expectations: Before the trip, talk about your and your partner’s expectations about what the distance means to both of you. Understand that your needs are coming from a place of love, not so much of the place of nagging. If knowing your partner is safe when they land, let them know. If knowing if your partner is back in their hotel room, let them know.
- Talk it out: If something is bothering you, figure out a good way to express it and talk it out. Waiting for your partner to return will only lead to the build up and who wants that!
- Love languages: Do you know what your love languages are? If you do, let’s make sure both of them are being honored while you’re apart from each other.
I thought I’ do the good and the bad
Yea, but I changed my mind. Let’s just focus on what you can do to stay connected if one of you are away. Remember how you stay connected when you’re at home and find something similar or create something completely new when you’re apart. Don’t wait until your partner gets home to unload on them. Stay connected and remember that your mental loads are both high. If you’re home, you’re taking care of everything here, if you’re away, you’re missing home and trying your best to do the best job you can do while you’re away.
And then come back together
Make sure you reconnect instead of just going about your business as usual. Enjoy this time apart and who knows, you can use it to flirt, connect and just have fun together!!
Happy traveling!!
Ps. If you have something else that works while your traveling, please share it with us so we can all learn from you!
Until next time!
PPS. if you don’t know your love languages and you want to take a quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Spending, spending and more spending
| Just looking at this title make you cringe? It does for me for sure! Who is a “spender”? Who is a saver and who is in the middle? Do you know what your relationship with money is? There are people that make a career out of helping people identify their hang ups with money. Do you act the same way your parents did or do you do something different? Every couple that I work with (and I mean everyone one) has something to say about money. Which is a good thing because if you are similar with money, that’s okay. But if you’re different that’s okay as well! The only thing that’s not okay is staying silent about it.Let’s break down the okays and the not okays about money in your relationship. |
NOT OKAY
| Hiding things – I hear all sorts of people talk about how they hide purchases from their partner? Seriously, if you need to hide it, don’t buy it. Yes, it is a form of betrayal if you are buying things without your partner knowing about it. Coping – Are you mad at your partner for working too much? Do you think if you spend money that will make you happier? It might, but let’s make sure we are doing it for the right reasons. If you’re spending money out of spite, sit down and talk about it. Separation – Even reading that word is not okay right? It is okay to have separate accounts if that’s what you both want, if it’s not, then it’s not okay. Even if you have separate accounts and you’re married, they’re jointly owned. What’s not okay here is having secrets about your accounts. I didn’t say surprises. You can surprise your partner with a gift, but having a secret account that they don’t know about isn’t okay. Silence is so not golden here – If you can’t talk about it, then you shouldn’t be doing it! Even with separate accounts, you need to have a money talk at least 1x a month. Yes, you two need to sit down and talk about money. |
HOORARY, IT’S OKAY
| Spending more than you make – I put this here because it’s a fact of life. Life is expensive and if you’re spending more than you make, it’s okay as long as it is temporary, you have a plan to change it and you’re talking about it. Staying at home is a job! – If you are a worker and you quit your job to take care of your children and you think that isn’t a job, stop right NOW. It’s so a job and each year they come up with a stay at home salary. In 2018 the salary was $162,000 and in 2019 its $160,000. You get my point. You’re working and stop feeling like you aren’t. It’s okay to stay-at-home and it’s okay to spend money like you are working, yes it’s okay. Messing up – If you mess up, spend without talking about it, feel bad about spending, etc, call for a chat and talk about it. It can only be resolved if you two talk, so talk. |
Get the point?
| Mostly in the NOT OKAY category there are things where you hide stuff, in the OKAY category it’s mostly stuff that you talk about. Just talk about money please. I know it’s hard, I know its emotional but I promise the more you do it, the easier it will be!!! So just do it!! Let me know how you communicate about money!! |
Let’s listen to others today
In my years of working with couples, I have gotten some great advice on how to work with couples. I have also gotten some good tidbits from all the trainings that I do. I was wondering if there was anything else out there that would spark my interest so I found an article that asks couples what they do to spark interest in each other. I really liked it so I’m going to share some of the quotes that I found interesting.
TRY THE TWO-MINUTE RULE
“Basically, anything can wait for two minutes. You have to pee? Got dinner cooking on the stove? Need to make an important phone call? Everything in life can wait for two minutes if it means making your spouse feel loved. So, when one of us calls for two minutes the other person has to stop whatever they are doing and we go find a place to be alone together. For those two minutes you are not allowed to check a cell phone, answer a child, think of other tasks you need to do. At the end of the two minutes, either person has the right to say they need to get back to what they were doing and the other person can’t be sad or offended. We’ve been using this rule for over 10 years now and it’s my favorite thing. Even our children know that when mom and daddy are having two minutes they cannot bug us.”
—Lizzy V., Fort Mill, SC
VOLUNTEER TOGETHER
“Volunteering together keeps the spark alive in our relationship by connecting to something that is bigger than our own problems. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but we have a really great one. And nothing is sexier than seeing him help someone in need.”
—Chris G., Sacramento, CA
WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS
“We decided early on is that we would never ever put each other down or say anything negative about the other one in front of others. We’ve made it a practice to only say supportive and kind things to each other in public and save disagreements for when we’re alone. And even then we make sure to keep it civil. It’s worked for us for 26 years.”
—Tammy N., Seattle, WA
SAY THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS
“The last thing we say to each other each night are the words ‘I love you.’ No matter how long or hard the day has been, we end it with love.”
—Dave G., Denver, CO
SCHEDULE TOGETHER TIME
“We’ve learned that if date night is going to happen we have to schedule it, just like we would any other obligation. Now, everyone knows I am simply not available Fridays from 5 to 7 p.m. and they respect that.”
—Alison M., New York, NY
SAY THANK YOU
“Each night before falling asleep my husband thanks me for doing something that day. It could be anything from running an errand to doing the dishes to making a delicious dinner. It makes me feel appreciated and not taken for granted. And I do the same for him. It’s nice to fall asleep thinking about the reasons we like each other.”
—Lisa G., Westminster, CO
EAT TOGETHER
“My wife and I make it a point to always eat breakfast and dinner tonight, no matter how early or late it has to happen. We’re celebrating our 40th anniversary this summer so something must be working!”
—Thomas H., Eau Claire, WI
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY
“We find little things we can do that will make the other person happy, like getting them a favorite treat or running an errand for them. The happiness of your spouse should be your first priority, for each of you. We just had our oldest daughter get married and that’s the advice we gave her!”
—Toby D., Lakeville, MN
COUPLES THERAPY
“Sometimes when the spark is gone from a relationship, there’s a real reason. My husband and I have done marriage counseling, individual therapy, and appropriate medications (not to mention a large dose of humor). It’s saved our marriage.”
—Julie S., Washington, DC
Couldn’t resist the last one!! I picked the ones that I thought were interesting. Here’s the whole article in case you want to read it https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4569/happy-couples-healthy-relationship-advice/
I would love to hear the ways you keep the romance going in your relationship. There are so many good ones here. I especially like the 2 minute rule because it’s just so true. What is your favorite?
Priorities, Priorities and More Priorities
Who’s busy today? It’s Tuesday, not Monday, but it seems as each day of the week is busier than the next. I know that for me, the weekdays are easier than the weekends because there’s a better schedule for me, but still, craziness at all levels.
So how do you find time to have a great relationship? What does that even mean?
As a couples therapist, I have heard this phrase a lot, “We just don’t have the time to spend together.” Or, yeah, we travel, but our children/child is always with us. How are we supposed to do things alone when we have so many other obligations?
Umm, anyone that knows me will know what I am about to say!
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
I know what you are going to say about this? Well, how about “me” time? Or who will get the kids to their activities, etc etc. The list can go on and on with reasons that you can’t spend time together, but let me make this very clear by saying it again.
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
There are a lot of excuses that you can make for not working on your relationship, but remember that if you don’t work on your relationship, it won’t just keep working.
Here’s some things you can do in our fast crazy world to make time for each other!
- Dates – C’mon, you can do this! At home, during the day, at night, on the weekends. Just do it!
- Rituals of Connections – Here’s the whole list of rituals of connection. Just pick a few and do them.
- Technology freeze – Put down those devices and just talk to each other, read together, listen to music together, take a bath together!
- Sneaky stuff – Act like you love each other. Kiss, hug and do romantic gestures when each other is least expecting it!!
- Talk it out – If your mad at each other, remember that you both love each other and you are both right! Talk it out and remember the good stuff!
I know, it’s hard to do
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If you want something to work, please remember that you need to put effort into it. Not only when things are bad. Put the effort in when things are good so they can stay that way!!
Can’t wait to hear how you prioritize your relationship!!
Wants and Needs
I’ve been asked (or maybe I’m just talking about it this week) on the difference between needs and wants.
When I was a new mom and I was wondering how the heck I would take care of 2 kids (a baby and a toddler) at the same time while I was breastfeeding one and the other has never left my side, arggghhh!! I was given the best advice:
Babies have needs, toddlers have wants, decide who needs you more!!
Wow, that was so powerful, quotable and helpful because when you’re sleep deprived and not knowing what you’re doing, how do you do it all? Um, you take turns, take a breathe and figure it out.
So, I was thinking about this again with my clients this week. I had some great conversations about it and how we can think about what we need in our relationships compared to what we want.
What I believe my needs are
Trust
So important to me to be able to trust my partner. This takes on a different meaning for me because I can trust him not to cheat on me, but I can’t always trust that he will do what he says. I need someone that will do what they say and say what they will do.
Emotions
I’m a therapist and anyone that’s with me needs to know that talking about emotions is important to me. I need to work through things, get rid of the upset feelings and get to the true emotions behind what we’re talking about. Guess I can call them triggers as well.
Co-Parenting
Yes, there can only be one parent that is working at a time, but there are two parents that need to be parenting all the time. Even though I work, and so does he, I need to feel as if our children are both of our responsibilities all the time. Work in progress here.
Talking
This is huge for me and I need this so much. I need to talk things out and work out what needs to be worked out. The silence is a killer for me. Huge need is to talk.
Let’s switch to some of my wants
Plans
I’m a planner and I like to have plans made. Something about having plans made is soothing to me and lets me get excited about things and helps me stay calm. My partner is a “spur of the moment” kinda guy so this is always a work in progress.
Vacations
I’m putting this in the wants section because it’s not a need. I do enjoy going away, seeing new things and of course planning it all!
Healthy Lifestyle
This is a need for me and I do this personally to stay sane, but it’s a want in my life because I can’t make anyone do anything solely for me. Maybe it’s a want/need!
In Summary
I’m going to stop there because I can add a lot more wants but in reality, I’m okay with getting my needs met. My needs are my core and when I get my needs met, I’m happy and content with my relationship.
How about you? Do you know your wants and needs? Do you need help distinguishing them Let’s hear from you and how you distinguish the two.
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