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Tag Archives: routines
Are You Organized?
Hoorary! Back to school today for us!
Do I really mean hoorary?
I think so. We got our girls off to school this morning. It was enjoyable and fun this morning. We left early and had lots of time to get them settled in their classrooms.
How is this possible? Let’s talk about organization to help us with the morning and nighttime routines.
Nighttime
Yes, the organization should start the night before. Everything that can be done the night before should be done. Pick out clothes, get snacks ready, fill up water bottles and anything else you can think of. The most important thing the night before is getting enough sleep. Put these lovies to bed early and let them sleep for as long as they can.
Morning
Good morning to you! Right, are you a morning person? If not, or even if you are, the job still has to get done. So I’m going to say that either you, your partner and/or your children are not morning people. Some of you are, but some aren’t. Let’s start by placing an alarm clock into your children’s room. Yes, this has been a game changer for me. When they wake up by themselves, they awake so much easier.
Morning Routine
I’m going to separate this one because waking up is hard enough and then doing what you need to do in the morning is even harder. Oh my! First, give yourself enough time to wake up before the craziness. If you need to get out of the house at the same time as the kiddos, take a shower before the craziness starts. If not, get up and enjoy your quiet time. Once the kids are up and dressed, it’s making and eating breakfast, brushing teeth, brushing hair and getting out the door. You need to leave some lead time into your schedule for the occasional clothes change or hair crisis. Congrats, now you’re out the door!
Afternoon
This is different for everyone depending on your schedule. If your children come home from school, first thing is taking a look at the backpack. Yes, I highly recommend looking in the backpack the minute they arrive. Are there forms you need to sign? Are there snacks that have spilled? Of course, then there’s the homework. If your kids stay at aftercare, same routine, just later. Checking that backpack is the key to success. If your children are older, hopefully you have this down pat by now and they’re bringing things to you!
Partner, Divide and Conquer!
This one is so up to you! You both know what you strive for and what you need to do. Figure out which task is your thing and own it. If you feel you’re doing too much, it’s time to talk and figure out how to reorganize and share the load.
Hope these tips helped you. If I have left any out that you think would help others, please reach out to let me know.
Relationship Load
What’s Relationship Load?
I read a really good article the other day about how much we take on in our lives and how it can overload us to the point where we can’t do simple tasks. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think the need for “underloading” has come and I think there’s also a need to underload in your relationship as well.
What the heck am I talking about when I say underload in your relationship?
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Make Some Couples Time
Yes, you can make couples time
Have you ever heard the phrase, “You know you have children when having a 5 minute conversation takes all day.” This is a joke of course, but is it? We spend so much time on our children and what time we have left we spend on what? Umm, that’s a great question and I think we should talk about it today.
How do you sneak in time as a couple to stay connected?
- Get those’s kids to bed- Yes, set a realistic bedtime based on their age and give yourself enough time to connect. One night a week, plan a date at home, eat after the kids go to bed and enjoy each other’s company.
- Finish your conversation- How many times can you hear your name before you stop what you’re doing and run to your child? If you’re in the middle of talking to your partner, let your child know that you love them and will be with them in a minute. You might be surprised that what they needed help with they could do on their own.
- Dates- This is hard as well because you’re already spending so much money on your children that you now want to spend money to get a babysitter and go out. Yes, do it, have a standing date whether it is 1x a month or 1x a week. Have something to look forward to.
- Sleeping together- This seems like a given but it’s not. Couples tend to sleep in separate bedrooms for various reasons. The truth is that you need to stop it and get into bed together. If it’s not possible, at least hop into bed together to have a nighttime ritual then part ways.
- Your children sleeping with you- I’m going to say this with all the love in the world… your children don’t need to sleep with you to feel connected to you. If there is a temporary problem, then deal with it but don’t make it a habit and don’t replace your partner with your child.
- Spend time on yourself- To be a better parent and partner, you need to “be you” first and always. Whatever this means to you, you do “you” and the rest will follow.
I’m sure that I missed a few so I’d love to hear what you do to stay connected. Loving yourself and your partner doesn’t make you love your children any less. Doing for your relationship shows your children how to have a loving relationship. Let you do “you” and let them do “them” and come together when you’re all done!
Five Things I Use In My Own Relationship to Stay Happy
Your Relationship in 2018
I hope everyone is off to a good start of 2018. I’m so happy to be doing what I love and taking care of myself. I tell all my clients that there is nothing that I tell them that I don’t do in my own relationship so I thought I’d share my top 5 ideas on how to keep your relationship going strong in the new year.
Top 5 Idea to Keep Your Relationship Strong
- Hello and Goodbye Rituals – I know it seems as if this is no biggie, but in reality, it really is! To greet your partner and for them to greet you back when you come home or leave the house is the first step to staying connected. I tell people that no matter what’s going on, you have 3 seconds to kiss, hug, high five or whatever your ritual becomes. Acknowledgement goes a long way when you want to stay connected.
- Stress Reducing Conversation – This one is also very important because if you do even have time to say hello/goodbye, then you have stress in your life. If you do, you need to talk about it. If you have no idea what I am talking about, then all you need to do is sit with your partner without any distractions and talk about a stress in your life. Your partner needs to listen and give empathetic support. Don’t give advice or take the other’s person side. Then switch listener/speaker roles. Trust me, it will help reduce the stress and you’ll feel closer too!
- Dates – Maybe this one should be a given but often, when I meet people, they tell me that dates are the last thing they think of. Really? How do you plan on connecting? Okay, maybe hiring a babysitter is not in the cards for you. You can take turns watching kids with another couple or even have dates at home. The point is to have them and keep having them. Ask each other out and make it special!
- 10 Minute Talks – There are a ton of conversational starters out there to help you have conversations if you are stuck on talking about your job, kids, house, etc. Find a relationship conversation starter and start taking at least 10 minutes a day.
- Give Appreciation – Talk nice to each other and compliment each other on what’s working. Give each other a reason to keep on doing what you want them to do. When you ask nicely, it helps and when you give appreciation, it helps make you feel loved and cherished.
So, those are to me the top 5 that I use to help my relationship. I do not pretend to be perfect at everything. But I also know that you cannot have a good relationship if you don’t put the effort in.
How About Those 2018 Relationship Goals?
You can add some of these to your relationship and see how it goes. Let me know!
How to Be an Advanced Listener
I figured I would give you a little time to read my last post “How to be a Great Listener” before I wrote this as a follow-up. Listening is so important in how you relate to your partner and so many people don’t do it.
Are you listening on how to be an advanced listener? If so, here it is.
Read Between the Lines
To be an even better listener, you need to read between the lines of what your partner is saying. You need to focus on HOW your partner is saying things, not just what they’re saying. You need to convey understanding. Examples are here to help:
Your partner says, “This apartment is my prison.” You say, “Wow, it sounds as if you are really trapped. Is that right? Am I getting it right?”
Your partner says. “I feel like the train has left and I’m still standing at the station.” You say, “So you feel as if the world is passing you by and your own life is at a standstill?”
Have Regular Stress Reducing Conversations
Find out who or what is stressing your partner. Know who the main people are in your partner’s life. Learn their names. Find out what is working in your partner’s life. Basically sit down with no distractions and talk/listen to each other at least 1x a week.
Just Be There and Listen
Yep, it is really that easy. Put down the phone, iPad, TV remote and have a conversation. Listen with empathy and understanding. Only give advice if your partner asks you to. Do not solve the problem or internalize it, you’re doing the work by listening and that’s enough to feel loved, supported and most importantly, an advanced listener!
Listening is a skill we have to learn along with all other skills
Try incorporating listening into your daily routine and see how your partner responds to you. Enjoy your new found connection through listening!
How to Be a Great Listener
Are you listening?
Does your partner say all the time “you never listen” or “you have no idea what that even means?” You’re there and hearing the words that someone else is saying, so doesn’t that make you a great listener? Well, to answer your question, if your partner doesn’t think you’re a good listener then it’s time to read this and find out how to be a great listener.
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How much should you work on your relationship for it to work?
This is the biggest question I get asked when couples come to see me. How much should I work on my relationship? The bigger question that comes from this is “how do I work on my relationship?”
Where Do I Start?
When I meet people, they’re usually not in a good place in their relationship, because realistically who comes to therapy when they’re happy? I get to ask and work on relationships when they’re angry at each other. Once we get working and we get things a bit better, I send them off to work on things on their own.
So, how many people continue to work on their relationship after therapy is over? I would like to think everyone but that’s not true. For the most part, I don’t often see people again because I give them the skills to communication and the tools to resolve conflict.
Back to the Question
Back to the question at hand, how much should you work on your relationship? I would say at least 5 hours a week. Let’s spell it out.
- Find a time to date. Yes. ask your partner out on a date and switch it up each week. If the kids are in school, go for a lunch date. If they’re not, try to get a babysitter once a week.
- Have a conversation about each other. Listen to your partner with emphatic ears and return the favor. Don’t try to solve any problems, simply listen to each other every night. This is called The Stress Reducing Conversation.
- Have rituals of connections where you greet each other and say goodbye. Do this every day and if you forget, try again the next day.
- Come up with conversations that don’t have anything to do with the house, kids, jobs or extended family. Date talk!
- Most importantly, put those phones down and look at each other. For an hour a week or even more, declare your relationship technology free and enjoy each other’s company!
It’s really that Simple?
Yes, it is that simple and no, it isn’t that complicated. When you feel connected, you are are more open to overlook the small stuff such as leaving shoes out or forgetting to take out the trash. Staying connected emotionally and physically is so important to your relationship, and yes, you do need to actively make the time to do it, and yes, it is only 5 hours a week. Enjoy each other and remember that you love each other and want to talk to each other.
Tell me how you reconnect each week? Leave a comment below!
Patience
The beginning of school is always a time of rushing, getting things ready and adjusting to a new routine. For me, as I’m sure for a lot of you, it’s also a time for holding on to your patience as well as your sanity! I have 2 girls in school now, yes I made it. My youngest just started Kindergarden and I am finally at that stage where I have my days to myself! Ah, if only it was that easy!Read More
Gottman Couple’s Method Rituals in Relationships
To learn a bit more about the Gottman Method and what it means, I want to share an exercise that I thought was helpful to include in my own relationship. When we think of rituals, at least when I thought of rituals, I thought it meant holidays, birthdays, etc. Never did I even think about day-to-day rituals and how helpful they can be. Here is how it works.
Go back into each person’s memories of your families and ask about the rituals of connection surrounding these events. If there is resistance of one partner or another, then work through it and talk about this resistance and figure out how you can listen to what your partner has to say. If there are bad memories, the idea of bringing things up might be upsetting. A supportive listener is sometimes all we need.
In each ritual, it is important to know what each person is supposed to do and when. This includes entry into the ritual, the roles each person will have in the ritual, and its ending.
Leave Taking: Come up with something that both of you can do that is rewarding and will make leaving a connection time. For example: Kissing before walking out the door.
Reunions: When coming back home, come up with one thing to talk about the day.
Mealtimes: Come together at meals and share events of the day. My family does highs and lows. Name one great and one bad thing that happened each day.
Eating out: This can become a family ritual and tradition such as where you go for birthday dinners. Find a connection and enjoy time out together.
The reunion stress reducing conversation: Each person gets at least 5 minutes to talk about something stressful about their day, not about the relationship.
Bedtime: Get into a routine of bedtime even if you do not go to sleep at the same time. At least a hug and kiss from the person going to sleep first.
Morning Rituals: For most families, mornings can be hectic. Find a system that works for you and stick to it.
Dates and Getaways: Very important part of a relationship. If finances are an issue then find out if you can swap with another family date nights, such as you watch their children then they watch yours. Or do date night at home.
When one person is sick: Discuss what you need and how you would like to be taken care of or left alone.
Celebrations: How does your family deal with pride, praise, celebrate success and acknowledge and reward achievement? Find out how each partner feels about this and create a culture of praise that works for you.
Rituals surrounding bad luck, failure, or exhaustion: How do you support, heal, and renew each other in bad times?
Rituals surrounding entertaining: The idea of a home and bringing friends into it can lead to important rituals of connection for a couple and for children.
Rituals surrounding keeping in touch with family and friend: Family events, reunions, and so on can be great or a source of argument. Are friends over involved or do you not have any? Talk about how you both feel about family and friends and come up with something that works.
Rituals surrounding initiation and refusing love-making and talking about it: It is just important to talk about sex as well as the rejection you feel when your partner ignores your advances. It is okay to schedule sex and equally important to talk about it. Find a system that works for both of you and enjoy it!
Vacations: How does your family introduce a need for a vacation? How are they planned and what is the vacation like. Does work come along on vacation? Does family or just you and your partner? Talk about how you would envision your vacations.
Connections surrounding birthdays, anniversaries, etc: What traditions are set up for these? Is someone always disappointed? Here is where finding out about past family traditions could greatly help your conversation.
Ok, is that enough for one day. Seriously, I wrote all of them down and some of these, you might already have in place and some of them, you have not even thought of. Try to figure out how you can talk about each one. They are all important but if it is too challenging to incorporate all of them, then you can pick the 5 most important ones to both you and your partner and talk about those.
This is easier to do in a therapist’s office, but can be done at home with time, compassion and great listening skills. If you find yourself needing help with these, make the call and come in for a session to get started on your new relationship!
Family plans and other such communication!
I have been thinking of family plans to add to my list of ever growing ways for couples to communicate. What do I mean by this you ask? I was envolved in a chat about a couple that had different ideas about their relationship. The woman wants to get married mostly for religious reasons and the man is not proposing after being together for 11 years. Okay, at some point you need to realize that you have different ideas on family/relationships and figure out if there is a compromise in all of this. If so great, if not then you need to talk about separation.
Another reason I have been thinking of this is for a very simple reason as the thing we call “our morning routine” or for better words are “not morning routine.” We both do what it us necessary in the am but what if we had a morning routine?
So this idea of a family plan and relationship plan are to establish clear roles and diminish confusion and assumptions. I believe it is important to have 2 because if you lump them together something might get missed and the last thing I want is more confusion.
To make things simple start small such as a morning routine and state what parent/child is responsible for each thing. You can check back in a week from when you started it and either add, stay the same or revise!
Relationships should be treated the same way, start small, both have imput and revise/add often. Hopefully, this will lead to easier concrete communication to help each other understand each other point of view.
I’m working on my plans, let me know how yours go and if you already have one in place!