Would it be surprising to hear that conflict is not a bad thing?

For most couples, the word conflict is synonymous with arguments, tension, and feeling frustrated with one another. Unfortunately, for many couples, this is exactly what the word conflict translates to in their relationship. However, when conflict is managed the right way, it doesn’t have to lead to a screaming match. Getting into an argument does not mean that the relationship is toxic or dysfunctional. It only turns that way when there is a communication breakdown. Fortunately, learning how to manage conflict for a healthier relationship effectively is possible.

How To Engage In Healthy Conflict

Show respect – even while in conflict

One of the basic foundations of a relationship is respect. Yes, you might become frustrated with one another, but screaming matches don’t help anything. Insulting each other or name-calling is never okay, either. After all, when was the last time that either resulted in the conflict being resolved peacefully? When one or both of you feel disrespected in any way, it inevitably leads to more conflict and tension. This often leads to an argument about one thing turning into something else entirely. Before you speak, take a step back to think about if what you want to say will result in mutual understanding and resolution. If you aren’t sure, it will likely be best to leave it unspoken for now.

Shift your statements

We all want our opinions to be heard. We want the other person to understand our side and perspective. Unfortunately, most of us don’t know how to articulate this correctly. What this results in are statements that are focused on them and not you. You may consider using “I Statements ^{(wikipedia link)}“. For example, you might say, “You never care about what I have to say,” which can be seen as very accusatory. Instead, shift this statement to, “I just feel like you never take me seriously or listen to me when I talk.” Do you see the difference? The second statement expresses how you feel about the situation. You are still saying what you need to, but in a way that won’t immediately cause your partner to become defensive.

Own up to your mistakes

Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and have slip-ups. We all have misunderstandings and say things that we regret later on. It’s hard to admit when we are wrong. In conflict, howoften do we only focus on what our partner did or said? It’s uncomfortable for humans to admit they also played a role in the tension and conflict. Part of conflict resolution is admitting to each other that you made a mistake. Apologize for your words and actions and ask them to forgive you. As a team, you can then move forward while being able to leave it in the past.

Look at the bigger picture

It’s common for most couples to get into arguments about household responsibilities. Many don’t realize they aren’t arguing about the dishwasher not being unloaded or the laundry needing to be washed. When couples argue about household responsibilities, it’s often a sign of something else entirely. It’s just a small tip of the iceberg showing above the surface. You can learn to have healthier conflict by taking a step back and thinking about why else you are arguing. Are you stressed because of work and taking it out on each other? Do you feel as if, overall, your partner isn’t pulling their weight with the household responsibilities?

Nobody wants to intentionally causes arguments with their partner. Instead, many smaller issues often pile up that cause couples to find themselves in a cycle of conflict. If you are not communicating effectively with your partner, feel free to reach out for couples therapy. Together, we can help you learn to manage conflict so it no longer becomes a source of stress and tension between you.