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Tag Archives: relationships
Let’s Talk About Emotions!
Let’s Talk Emotions
I am a Gottman couples’ therapist and I love working with couples. I get to see the transition from hurt, angry, distant to loving, intimate and enjoying each other. Understanding your emotions is not easy, but yes, it is possible.Read More
How Do You Focus on the Big Picture?
So, how did you two first meet?
When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?” This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk. How do we focus on the big picture?
I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.
My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.
So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning? Here are some tips.
1. Relook at your wedding album
These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.
2. Ask your partner out on dates
It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!
3. Do your rituals of connection
If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.
4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting
Again I talk about this one quite a lot. Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.
5. Share alone time with friends/families
Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other. Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!
Wrapping Up
All of these are about create intimacy between you both. It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash? It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal. Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.
How do you check in with your partner?
Hi, it’s Spring Break over here and I’m writing for the first time in a long time. As most of you know, our town of Parkland has had an enormous tragedy and we all all trying to do the best we can with finding our way through this and everything else. So I mentioned it’s Spring Break and yes, I have the time to blog.
How, you ask?
Where are my children and husband you ask? Well, today they are at the Palm Beach Zoo and yesterday then went to Shark Valley. Yes, without me and all my organizing and planning. Yes, my husband is with our children and they are all having a great time!
How is this possible?
Well, it really wasn’t that hard. I used my words and said, “Honey, you are going to spend the first 2 days of spring break with the girls.” He of course said that will be great and they are having fun. So, back to the question of this blog, how do you check in with your partner? Let’s look at some creative ways to do so.
- Have a nightly meeting- This does not have to be long but has to happen. Talk about your needs, what you wish for and how to listen to your partner.
- Do not hold back- If you wish for something, such as a break from parenting or making dinner, let your partner know by verbally saying so, you will be surprised how easy it is.
- Have those intimate talks- The best way to stay connected is to stay connected, seriously talk the intimate talk, use your books, games, etc to stay connected.
- Make sure both of your needs are met- This is a 2 way street meaning you go both ways. Make sure both of your needs are getting met.
- Take a time out if you need it- There is no glory in finishing first. If you need time to yourself, please take it.
- Dates, dates, dates- If you have read anything that I have written so far, you know how important this one is, do it and keep doing it. Ask your partner out, hint hint, it feels nice to be asked out!
Life is always complicated
It’s true. And it’s busy, stressful and more and there are so many excuses not to check in with your partner. Life can get to you if you let it. So don’t let it! Work on staying connected by checking in all the time, asking for hugs, kisses and dates.
Please share how you stay connected with your partner, would love to hear about it!
Make Some Couples Time
Yes, you can make couples time
Have you ever heard the phrase, “You know you have children when having a 5 minute conversation takes all day.” This is a joke of course, but is it? We spend so much time on our children and what time we have left we spend on what? Umm, that’s a great question and I think we should talk about it today.
How do you sneak in time as a couple to stay connected?
- Get those’s kids to bed- Yes, set a realistic bedtime based on their age and give yourself enough time to connect. One night a week, plan a date at home, eat after the kids go to bed and enjoy each other’s company.
- Finish your conversation- How many times can you hear your name before you stop what you’re doing and run to your child? If you’re in the middle of talking to your partner, let your child know that you love them and will be with them in a minute. You might be surprised that what they needed help with they could do on their own.
- Dates- This is hard as well because you’re already spending so much money on your children that you now want to spend money to get a babysitter and go out. Yes, do it, have a standing date whether it is 1x a month or 1x a week. Have something to look forward to.
- Sleeping together- This seems like a given but it’s not. Couples tend to sleep in separate bedrooms for various reasons. The truth is that you need to stop it and get into bed together. If it’s not possible, at least hop into bed together to have a nighttime ritual then part ways.
- Your children sleeping with you- I’m going to say this with all the love in the world… your children don’t need to sleep with you to feel connected to you. If there is a temporary problem, then deal with it but don’t make it a habit and don’t replace your partner with your child.
- Spend time on yourself- To be a better parent and partner, you need to “be you” first and always. Whatever this means to you, you do “you” and the rest will follow.
I’m sure that I missed a few so I’d love to hear what you do to stay connected. Loving yourself and your partner doesn’t make you love your children any less. Doing for your relationship shows your children how to have a loving relationship. Let you do “you” and let them do “them” and come together when you’re all done!
How Do You Know if Your Partner is Supportive?
It’s Tough
If anyone is wondering, yes, it’s extremely hard to be married or in a relationship with a therapist, especially a therapist that specializes in couples. Why, you ask? Well, if you can’t fix your own relationship, how can you fix others? At least that’s how I view it. I tell my clients all the time that I practice what I preach and that what I teach them, I do as well.
Do I Do it All the Time?
Of course not. Do my husband and I fight? Of course we do. Do I yell at my children or others at times? Yep, yelling at the top of my lungs. I have to say that I don’t strive to achieve perfection because I have no idea what that even means. What I strive for, and I’d hope that you would too, is happiness, balance and fulfillment in your days.
Is Your Partner Supportive?
Let’s get to the part where you ask yourself, “is my partner supportive of me?” It’s so hard to see sometimes, especially when you have different love languages and your partner is trying to do good. Sometimes, all you see is the negative. You try to do good but all they see is negative. So how can we figure out if our partners are supportive?
- Parenting together- Do you back each other up when it comes to parenting? Does your partner support what you say even though they might not agree? If so, you can check this one as being supportive.
- Celebrations- Does your partner celebrate you? It might not be what you want but do they try? If so, then say thank you and wait until later to tell them how to do it better.
- Talk about stress- Are you two talking about outside stressors? Do you feel better knowing your partner has your back? If you feel your partner has your back, you have this one!
- Supporting outside friendships- Do you two have friends? If so if you want to have a girls/guys night out is that okay? It’s healthy to have outside friends and interests and it’s enjoyable to come back and talk about them.
- Sharing household duties- This might be the hardest one that you can see because you both are so busy with work, life, children and even the pets that it’s hard to see what your partner is doing. If your partner is trying and doing then you are working as a team!
I’m not going to overload this list because once you talk too much sometimes the negative comes out. With each positive there can be negatives.
The Bottom Line
You need and should feel supported by your partner and if you aren’t, then you need to talk to them about it and find ways to improve. Yes, there are always ways to improve our imperfect lives. We’re striving for perfect, we’re striving for love and respect!
Let’s all take a moment and think about how we are loved and respected and as always please share how you feel.
Do you want to start your Second Marriage?
I work with couples
I work with couples, as you all know by now. When I meet my wonderful clients, I meet them at a time in there lives when things could be better. Well, that was a nice way to say it. Typically, people only reach out for help when things are really bad. I would love to change that and have people reach out to me when things are good, but that’s for another blog.
When I meet with people, especially the ones that go through affair recovery, (yes, you can recover from an affair) I use the term “second marriage“, or “second relationship” for those not married.
What is a Second Marriage?
I use the Gottman Method with my couples. Especially when going through an affair it’s hard to give up everything about your relationship. I know most people believe it’s a deal breaker but that is before it happens to you and then you’re in a state of shock and you have history together.
What do you do? Throw it all away? Discard all of the good times because of the bad? If you are coming to me for help, you know that I tell people that they’re much stronger after the affair recovery because it takes a lot of guts and sweat to get through it, for both partners. For the accused it takes guts to talk about the affair and for the innocent, to hear about it. It’s painstaking no matter which way you look at it and that’s where the second relationship comes in. It’s called the Second Marriage.
How does it work?
We use the sound relationship house as a guide to repair the relationship. We realize through this repair that you don’t want to go back to the old ways. Whether you didn’t communicate enough or lost intimacy or passion, there were things missing that led you to my office and into this new marriage… things will be different!
You get to decide to say how you feel, understand that being hurt is okay and can make you stronger and how to lean on your partner instead of turning away. This second marriage is the one you used to have, or maybe never did, but it is the one that you leave my office with.
It’s not just for affairs
If you are struggling with your partner and would like a chance at your second marriage, let’s talk and figure out what that means to you. Let’s figure out how we can get you to your happy!
Five Things I Use In My Own Relationship to Stay Happy
Your Relationship in 2018
I hope everyone is off to a good start of 2018. I’m so happy to be doing what I love and taking care of myself. I tell all my clients that there is nothing that I tell them that I don’t do in my own relationship so I thought I’d share my top 5 ideas on how to keep your relationship going strong in the new year.
Top 5 Idea to Keep Your Relationship Strong
- Hello and Goodbye Rituals – I know it seems as if this is no biggie, but in reality, it really is! To greet your partner and for them to greet you back when you come home or leave the house is the first step to staying connected. I tell people that no matter what’s going on, you have 3 seconds to kiss, hug, high five or whatever your ritual becomes. Acknowledgement goes a long way when you want to stay connected.
- Stress Reducing Conversation – This one is also very important because if you do even have time to say hello/goodbye, then you have stress in your life. If you do, you need to talk about it. If you have no idea what I am talking about, then all you need to do is sit with your partner without any distractions and talk about a stress in your life. Your partner needs to listen and give empathetic support. Don’t give advice or take the other’s person side. Then switch listener/speaker roles. Trust me, it will help reduce the stress and you’ll feel closer too!
- Dates – Maybe this one should be a given but often, when I meet people, they tell me that dates are the last thing they think of. Really? How do you plan on connecting? Okay, maybe hiring a babysitter is not in the cards for you. You can take turns watching kids with another couple or even have dates at home. The point is to have them and keep having them. Ask each other out and make it special!
- 10 Minute Talks – There are a ton of conversational starters out there to help you have conversations if you are stuck on talking about your job, kids, house, etc. Find a relationship conversation starter and start taking at least 10 minutes a day.
- Give Appreciation – Talk nice to each other and compliment each other on what’s working. Give each other a reason to keep on doing what you want them to do. When you ask nicely, it helps and when you give appreciation, it helps make you feel loved and cherished.
So, those are to me the top 5 that I use to help my relationship. I do not pretend to be perfect at everything. But I also know that you cannot have a good relationship if you don’t put the effort in.
How About Those 2018 Relationship Goals?
You can add some of these to your relationship and see how it goes. Let me know!
How to Be an Advanced Listener
I figured I would give you a little time to read my last post “How to be a Great Listener” before I wrote this as a follow-up. Listening is so important in how you relate to your partner and so many people don’t do it.
Are you listening on how to be an advanced listener? If so, here it is.
Read Between the Lines
To be an even better listener, you need to read between the lines of what your partner is saying. You need to focus on HOW your partner is saying things, not just what they’re saying. You need to convey understanding. Examples are here to help:
Your partner says, “This apartment is my prison.” You say, “Wow, it sounds as if you are really trapped. Is that right? Am I getting it right?”
Your partner says. “I feel like the train has left and I’m still standing at the station.” You say, “So you feel as if the world is passing you by and your own life is at a standstill?”
Have Regular Stress Reducing Conversations
Find out who or what is stressing your partner. Know who the main people are in your partner’s life. Learn their names. Find out what is working in your partner’s life. Basically sit down with no distractions and talk/listen to each other at least 1x a week.
Just Be There and Listen
Yep, it is really that easy. Put down the phone, iPad, TV remote and have a conversation. Listen with empathy and understanding. Only give advice if your partner asks you to. Do not solve the problem or internalize it, you’re doing the work by listening and that’s enough to feel loved, supported and most importantly, an advanced listener!
Listening is a skill we have to learn along with all other skills
Try incorporating listening into your daily routine and see how your partner responds to you. Enjoy your new found connection through listening!
How much should you work on your relationship for it to work?
This is the biggest question I get asked when couples come to see me. How much should I work on my relationship? The bigger question that comes from this is “how do I work on my relationship?”
Where Do I Start?
When I meet people, they’re usually not in a good place in their relationship, because realistically who comes to therapy when they’re happy? I get to ask and work on relationships when they’re angry at each other. Once we get working and we get things a bit better, I send them off to work on things on their own.
So, how many people continue to work on their relationship after therapy is over? I would like to think everyone but that’s not true. For the most part, I don’t often see people again because I give them the skills to communication and the tools to resolve conflict.
Back to the Question
Back to the question at hand, how much should you work on your relationship? I would say at least 5 hours a week. Let’s spell it out.
- Find a time to date. Yes. ask your partner out on a date and switch it up each week. If the kids are in school, go for a lunch date. If they’re not, try to get a babysitter once a week.
- Have a conversation about each other. Listen to your partner with emphatic ears and return the favor. Don’t try to solve any problems, simply listen to each other every night. This is called The Stress Reducing Conversation.
- Have rituals of connections where you greet each other and say goodbye. Do this every day and if you forget, try again the next day.
- Come up with conversations that don’t have anything to do with the house, kids, jobs or extended family. Date talk!
- Most importantly, put those phones down and look at each other. For an hour a week or even more, declare your relationship technology free and enjoy each other’s company!
It’s really that Simple?
Yes, it is that simple and no, it isn’t that complicated. When you feel connected, you are are more open to overlook the small stuff such as leaving shoes out or forgetting to take out the trash. Staying connected emotionally and physically is so important to your relationship, and yes, you do need to actively make the time to do it, and yes, it is only 5 hours a week. Enjoy each other and remember that you love each other and want to talk to each other.
Tell me how you reconnect each week? Leave a comment below!
Do opposites really attract?
I meet all kinds of people and I really love that about my job. I get to change and evolve with the people I meet. I get asked the same questions all the time and one of them that is top on my list is always “Are we too different to work?”Read More