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Tag Archives: relationships
What is Emotional Neglect in a Relationship?
No relationship is perfect. When you are in a relationship with another person, it takes sacrifice and commitment from both to make things work. Things won’t always work smoothly, though, but that’s normal. Spotting issues in a relationship, whether from the outside or inside, can be challenging.
While it is sometimes overlooked, one of the more challenging parts of a relationship is balancing each other’s needs and wants. While physical intimacy is often the main focus of a relationship, emotional intimacy is equally important. It may be surprising to hear, but emotional neglect is very real and has a damaging effect on a person’s mental health as well as the relationship.
What Is Emotional Neglect?
At its core, emotional neglect involves the absence of emotional responsiveness or support within a relationship. In cases like this, it is not about what is being done but what is not.
There are many ways that emotional neglect can manifest in a relationship. These may include:
Failure to nurture the emotional connection with each other.
Not validating one partner’s feelings.
Not allowing a safe space for expression and honesty.
Emotional neglect does not leave a physical scar. However, the effects of emotional neglect can be just as profound and impactful as physical neglect or abuse.
A big challenge with detecting emotional neglect is the fact that it is very subtle in nature. Often, it starts to take root in a relationship gradually and goes unnoticed. It often doesn’t even start intentionally. Instead, it takes root because we all live busy lives and become preoccupied with other responsibilities.
What Is The Impact Of Emotional Neglect?
When emotional neglect goes unnoticed, it can create feelings of loneliness, resentment, and insecurity. This often erodes the foundation of trust and honesty in a relationship, two of the main foundations of any relationship.
Why does this happen? There are so many different reasons for emotional neglect. Beyond life’s common hustle and bustle, someone may be neglectful because of issues stemming from their childhood or past relationships. Or, they may struggle with something internally pulling their focus away from their partner.
Can You Heal From Emotional Neglect?
Just like you can heal from physical scars, you can move forward with your partner if you feel as if your emotions are being neglected.
5 Tips to Better Communicate with Your ADHD Partner
All couples have different communication styles. You will very rarely see two individuals who communicate in the same exact way. This couldn’t be any more true for couples where one partner has ADHD.
ADHD, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, contrary to popular belief, is something that impacts adults, too, not just children. Having ADHD, or any other condition, does not mean that there is anything wrong with the person. Instead, being neurodivergent just means that the brain behaves differently.
Healthy communication in a relationship that is impacted by ADHD is absolutely possible. Getting there takes some work, but the same can be said for all relationships.
Here are five tips to communicate with your ADHD partner.
5 Tips to Better Communicate with Your ADHD Partner
1. Understand ADHD
The first step to being able to communicate with your partner is to understand what they have. There is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions about what living with ADHD is like. So, one of the first steps is researching how ADHD impacts somebody’s life.
By doing the proper research, you’ll be able to recognize the signs of ADHD in your partner that you may not have realized was due to the condition.
2. Focus On What They Are Saying
While they are talking, ensure that you aren’t distracted. That means putting away your phone or turning off the TV while in the middle of a conversation.
Being easily distracted is something that many, if not all, ADHDers struggle with. There’s a good chance that when you are talking together, they already have trouble focusing on the conversation. Showing them you are committed to paying attention during these times can also help them focus.
3. Don’t Take Things Too Personally
Someone who has ADHD is often impulsive. Often, they do or say things without thinking first. There’s nothing wrong with that in a lot of situations. However, this can often lead to disagreements when communicating.
How often have you heard your partner with ADHD say something that seems mean, condescending, or hurtful toward you? We can’t speak for all cases, but in many, this is often unintentional. Impulse control refers not just to behaviors but to words as well.
We all say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret, and someone with ADHD will often “go there” without even realizing it. Blurting things out that are on their mind is something that people with ADHD may do. So, when communicating with them, keep this in mind.
4. Accept Your Differences In Communication
We all have different communication styles. Often, these communication styles stem from early childhood relationships that we were influenced by. Keep in mind that no one actively chooses to communicate or react in the ways that they do. Rather, it is a learned behavior.
Learned behaviors can be retaught, but it won’t happen overnight. Instead of trying to change each other outright, couples should try to accept their differences and then learn to compromise to reach common middle ground. This is especially important for those who have ADHD because they likely already feel frustrated by this condition as it is. You should never make your partner feel worse about something they can’t control.
5. Try Counseling
It’s commonplace to blame communication issues on one set thing instead of looking at the bigger picture. The truth is, while ADHD can influence communication styles, there is often more to it than just that.
If there is a breakdown in communication between you and your partner, ADHD may influence it, but that doesn’t mean it’s the cause. Working with a counselor can help you learn the root cause of your problems and then work together.
Reach out to learn more about how couples therapy can help improve your communication with your ADHD partner.
Relationship Burnout: What It Is & How To Overcome It – 3-1
When we hear the word burnout, we often think about work and life. We feel burned out from our stressful jobs, busy schedules after work, and everything in between. The stress and exhaustion come from just trying to stay afloat and balanced.
Many people haven’t heard of burnout in terms of our relationships. However, it’s a concept that many will be familiar with. In fact, at some point, many relationships will experience burnout. Even though relationship burnout comes with many challenges, the good news is that it can be overcome.
What Is Relationship Burnout?
Relationship burnout refers to the chronic stress that occurs between two people. This stress often places a shadow on the couple, causing more tension and conflict.
Signs of Relationship Burnout
There are many different signs of relationship burnout that a couple can experience. Burnout is often felt, but neither partner always realizes it is occurring.
1. Constant Fighting
A telltale sign of relationship burnout is if a couple constantly argues. While all couples will fight, there comes a point when it is considered unhealthy. Whereas in the past, conflict was quickly resolved and moved on from, it might seem that now conflict creates more distance between you.
2. Feeling Disconnected
If you aren’t spending as much time together, or when you do, there’s no emotional intimacy, it might be a sign of relationship burnout. Feeling disconnected from our partners will inevitably happen. However, when these feelings of disconnection continue, it can point to a larger issue at play.
3. Are You More Critical of Each Other?
Does it seem as if you are constantly correcting each other? Or, no matter what you try, it just isn’t enough for them? Maybe you are making small jabs at each other or saying disrespectful things in the heat of the moment. These negative comments are often a manifestation of relationship burnout trying to come to the surface.
4. Shutting Each Other Out
Another classic sign of relationship burnout is completely icing each other out. At some point, all the arguing, conflict, and tension between you two comes to an ugly peak. Inevitably, someone will often break down and completely withdraw from their partner. They no longer want to try to deal with the tension and stress that comes from the relationship. When this occurs, it’s the mind’s way of saying, “This is enough, and something needs to change.” Unfortunately, going about how to change this isn’t that clear, so it can be “easier” to just shut each other out for the time being.
Can You Recover From Relationship Burnout?
Absolutely. Relationship burnout will inevitably happen, but that doesn’t mean you must stay stuck in that maladaptive cycle.
Talk to your partner. Start with the basics when you are stuck in a cycle of not understanding each other. What are the needs and wants of your relationship together? What do you need your partner to do to feel seen, heard, safe, and loved? While it’s uncomfortable to talk about our relationships, it’s a necessary step to fostering a stronger connection with each other.
When you talk to your partner, use “I” statements. These statements should describe how you feel about a situation and are not to place blame or criticism on your partner. “I feel as if you don’t listen to me when I am talking to you.” vs. “You never listen to what I have to say!” are two similar statements, but their meaning differs.
Spend quality time with each other again. Life gets busy, and we feel burned out from that alone. However, we must commit to spending quality time with our partners. Go out on a date, or have a date night-in. Even spending 20 minutes in the evening just talking can help you strengthen your connection.
Relationship burnout can happen for many reasons, but it can be overcome with commitment from both people to turn things around. If you recognize signs of burnout in your relationship, don’t hesitate to learn more about couples therapy.
How to Be More Intimate with Your Partner
When most people hear the word intimacy, their mind first goes to the physical aspects of a relationship. While physical intimacy is important in a relationship, there are more ways to be intimate with your partner than just that.
Maybe things haven’t felt right for a while in your relationship. You might feel distant from your spouse or partner as if you aren’t connecting meaningfully. Or, there may have been a situation resulting in a loss of trust, and now you can’t find common ground again.
Whatever the reasoning, loss of intimacy in a relationship is normal. While it’s challenging, many couples will notice an ebb and flow to their relationship and overall health. However, that does not mean there aren’t ways to let yourself be intimate with your partner.
What Is Intimacy?
First, let’s define the different types of intimacy in a relationship. A couple will have two main areas of intimacy — physical and emotional. Physical intimacy, of course, can refer to things like sex, hugging, kissing, or even something as simple as holding hands.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as those things, however. It includes the connection you feel with another person, how well you relate to them, and the amount of trust, understanding, and honesty within a relationship.
How to Increase Intimacy In A Relationship
Change Things Up
There likely isn’t a couple who hasn’t fallen into the same cycle with their partner. Over time, you stick to the same routine that you are used to. You go to the same places for date night, cook the same things for dinner, or spend your time together in the same ways.
Don’t be afraid to shake things up. Are routines comfortable and safe? You know what to expect, and humans like to know that. But don’t feel shy about changing things up, whether in the bedroom or in general. Try new activities or hobbies together that might seem interesting. Try that new restaurant in town that you typically wouldn’t think about going to.
In many ways, doing something new with your partner can help you feel the spark again. They do say, after all, to never stop dating your partner.
Show Each Other Gratitude
At the beginning of your relationship, you likely spent plenty of time appreciating your partner. Over time, many couples will slowly stop showing their appreciation for each other. It’s not that they don’t; you just tend to forget to. You may know you appreciate them, but do you think they know that?
Remind each other of your appreciation. Thank each other for the little things, like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher. Thank them for cooking dinner or doing something for you that took time out of their day.
Doing these little things can go a long way in bringing back intimacy into your lives.
Communicate With Each Other
This may seem like a given, but it often is not that easy. It’s not uncommon for one partner to assume that the other knows how they feel. Or that they know their thought process or reasoning behind a certain action. You should never make assumptions that your partner will automatically know something. That is why communication is vital, whether you have been together for 2 years or 22.
Be sure that you treat one another with respect when communicating. Yes, there are going to be disagreements. There will be times when you honestly can’t stand to be in the same room as them. However, remember this is the person you are choosing to be with.
Treating each other with respect, openly communicating, and being honest with each other can help you feel more connected at the end of the day.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to learn more about couples therapy. You can get to the root cause of what is happening in your relationship to cause a lack of intimacy and, most importantly, find ways to repair it.
It’s time to start over!
How are you? I’m getting ready for fall and I know when Halloween comes, the end of the year will be here in a snap.
Whether you celebrate the Jewish holidays or not, I would like to say Happy New Year. If you know what I’m talking about, have you figured out what you want to bring into the New Year and what you want to leave out?
For those that don’t know about the Jewish Holidays, let me explain how Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur work.
Basically, you get a reset button on all the “not so good” stuff you did last year. For one day, Yom Kippur, you fast and then all of your mistakes are forgiven. Sounds good, right?
Well, if only it was that easy to forgive your partner, right?
What if it is?
What if one day you decide to look for the good in your partner instead of the bad? What if you’re only going to remind yourself about why you fell in love with your partner today and everyday!
Wondering how? Try these.
I appreciate-
Everyday for a week, sit down and say 5 things you appreciate about your partner and then listen to them say it to you.
Stress reducing conversations–
After you say what you appreciate, talk about something that is bothering you and have your partner listen and then switch sides.
Rituals of connection–
How are you doing on your rituals? If you aren’t doing them anymore, how about starting them up again.
Love maps–
How well do you know each other’s world? Sit down and talk about your love maps and see how well you know each other.
Okay, all fixed?
Of course not. There’s going to have to be a mindset switch from negative to positive. Are you getting your needs met by your partner? If not, talk to them and figure out what needs to change. Yes, you’re both great parents, children, aunts and uncles but what about just focusing on being a great partner!
I’m going to use this time to make some changes for the positive and I hope you do as well!
Looking forward to hearing about the changes you decided to make!
Is it really over?
How has your summer been? Are you finding time to connect? Is life as crazy as ever or do you find more time to spend together? I’m hoping that its finding more time to spend together!
If you are spending more time together, is it fun? Are you arguing more? Do you notice that you have the same arguments about the same few things?
No, I’m not a mind reader, but most of us do this (Yes, me included.) When you are with someone, you inherit their problems, well there are problems to you and might not be to them. Regardless it makes you fight and when you do fight, how do you know that fight is completely done? Umm, not sure? Let’s talk about it.
I talk a lot about triggers with my couples and your core and what is really important to you. Meaning what will get you to fight and what can you let go? For me, it’s a lot about respect and feeling cherished. If I’m feeling those two things then I can let others go. If I’m not, then it seems as if the nit picking is through the roof!
So, how do you know that a fight is truly behind you?
Just the facts
Can you agree to just agree on this one? Are you sure? If your giving in, that’s not the same as agreeing so if you’re calm and talking about facts that’s a good sign!
Code words
Love can be complicated for sure and that includes fighting. If you have repeat fights over and over again, how about you come up with a code word to alert each other when that’s happening. Start to notice when you get into that pattern.
All the triggers
Once you know your triggers, you can figure out what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong. Remember it’s all within you. Your partner is not making you upset, you’re upset about something. Keep a record of what upsets you and try to be mindful of them.
Calm talking
Once you both have calmed down, sit down and talking about what happened. Talk about emotions, your perspective, your triggers, how you can take responsibility and what you are sorry about. Doing this whole process will help you truly move past this incident.
Is this easy?
Nope, no way, no how and nada. Truly moving past an argument that you have time and time again will help you learn how to work on the good stuff, stay connected and want to spend more quality time with each other!
Table for one, please
Happy summer to you. I hope you’re doing well. This topic was on my mind since my children are in camp and I have some time to myself without the hassle and bustle of school.
What does it mean to be in a relationship but still yourself?
I get when people say, yeah, when they’re with me, they’re my partner, but not with me, they act as if they’re single.
Nope, that’s NOT okay in my book, is it okay in your book?
What do you do if you want to make changes in your relationship but your partner is a hard NO WAY to counseling. This is couples counseling for one!
First, let’s break down some of the reasons your partner doesn’t want to come to counseling.
- Counseling is scary- Anyone that has been in my room knows counseling is NOT scary, it’s real for sure. Especially with me because there’s no sugar coating things, but your relationship can be scary at times as well.
- I’m content and happy- This might be completely true. Your partner might not have anything to work on and you want them to come to counseling to work on things. This can also go back to the scary part.
- Busy, busy, busy- Yep, this is real and you are busy and you need to find some time to work on your stuff. Travel, children, work, life, etc all take up time. Hint hint, your relationship does as well!
Okay, these are just a few reasons someone might not want to come to couples counseling. Do you see anywhere on that list that your partner doesn’t love you? Nope, just because your partner isn’t ready to go to counseling with you doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they’re not ready.
What does all this mean for you?
Of course you can come to counseling by yourself! We can work on your relationship if your partner is not in the room, will just be us working on things for you to bring home to your partner. Can you grow together if only one of you is working? Yep, you can! And I’d like to challenge you to come in, see how it works and realize that there’s hope.
If you’re thinking about counseling, you love counseling but your partner doesn’t, then couples counseling for one is perfect for you.
Spread the word
Let everyone know that you can go to counseling by yourself even if you’re in a relationship just like you can go to eat by yourself and proudly say, “Table for one.”
I just updated my counsleing for one page and here’s the link https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/therapy-services/marriage-therapy/counseling-for-one/
I look forward to hearing what you think about couples counseling for one!
Who are you talking to?
Who knows that my passion is working with affairs? The reason this has become my passion is because I see how much time and effort couples put into their relationship when they work through an affair.
YES! You can successfully work through an affair.
I’ve had a few conversations lately with people who didn’t really think they were having an affair. Of course it makes me wonder…
So what is an emotional affair?
By definition, the term emotional affair is used in the media to categorise or explain a certain type of relationship. High levels of non-sexual emotional intimacy in adults may occur without the participants being bound by other intimate relationships or may occur between people in other relationships. (Wikipedia)
Okay that’s the Wikipedia definition. I define emotional affairs as anyone that you’re talking to outside of your relationship that you enjoy talking to more than your partner.
Let’s break down some areas where the line gets shady on emotional affairs
- Texting only – Can you really be cheating if you never meet someone in person? Do you smile when you get the texts? Are you waiting to tell that person about your day? If so, yes you are CHEATING.
- Hiding sex toys – You can cheat without involving anyone else with sex toys by hiding them from your partner. If you wait until your partner leaves to pleasure yourself, then you are withholding info from them.
- It’s just lunch – Let’s say you have lunch with someone each week and you keep it casual, but you don’t share with your partner because you think they’ll get upset. Guess what? They will get upset because you aren’t sharing and the doubt creeps in.
- Bye bye, going to the gym now – Do you exercise at the same time everyday? Is there someone there that you see all the time and you two have gotten to be friendly. Do you get excited at the idea of seeing them? If so, this is an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
Just remember that it wasn’t always so hard to talk to your partner and if you stop talking to them, you will find someone else to talk to. Have the hard conversations. Talk about your days. Share your inner world and stay connected.
As with everything I write, there is always more stuff to say and i do love it when you reach out and tell me what’s going on in your life. If you have an alternate way to explain emotional affairs, let me know. If you don’t agree with me, then let me know that too.
If you think your partner is cheating on you, here is a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/infidelity
Sparking Joy in Your Relationship
Are you on the tidying up kick? I’ve always been on the tidying up kick so I’m a bit amused by all this hoopla about this new show that tells how to tidy up. I do love the phrase, “Keep what brings you joy!” Pretty cool to think that you can find joy in things and only have what brings you joy in your life. So, who’s done it? Who has rid themselves of all that evil in your life? Do you only have folded clothes? Did you donate a bunch of stuff that doesn’t bring you joy? If you did, are you filled with joy now?
Umm, what’s missing from this picture? Let’s talk about how to bring joy to your relationship!
- Yes, it’s me not you – Next time you watch that show, go to that movie or anything, ask yourself if you want to do it or you’re doing it for your partner. If it’s just for them, let’s redo this and find things that make you happy.
- You feel supported by household chores – Have you found a way to find peace with the laundry? Do you enjoy sorting clothes? If the answer is big NO WAY, then hand that task off and find ones that you can handle. There is so much to do, make sure you’re doing the ones that work for you.
- I am an extrovert/introvert – Which one are you? If you are with someone who is the opposite of you (of course you are), you’re probably doing a lot of compromising on what brings you joy. Find things to do that make you happy. Go to the concert or stay at home for the day. Don’t wait for your partner to bring you joy, figure it out together.
- Those kids are both of yours – Please split up parenting responsibilities. Even better, have them do things on their own. Children are supposed to be a joy, right? Let’s figure out a way to make them part of your joy.
I’m going to stop there because this is about your joy, not mine. I really want to focus on the fact there are no rules here. Forget what someone is telling you to do and do what makes you happy. There is “Couples Time” where you compromise and there is “YOU” time which means it’s all about you.
Find your joy in yourself and bring it to your relationship!!
Can’t wait to hear what brings you joy and if your partner is high or low on your joy list!
Priorities, Priorities and More Priorities
Who’s busy today? It’s Tuesday, not Monday, but it seems as each day of the week is busier than the next. I know that for me, the weekdays are easier than the weekends because there’s a better schedule for me, but still, craziness at all levels.
So how do you find time to have a great relationship? What does that even mean?
As a couples therapist, I have heard this phrase a lot, “We just don’t have the time to spend together.” Or, yeah, we travel, but our children/child is always with us. How are we supposed to do things alone when we have so many other obligations?
Umm, anyone that knows me will know what I am about to say!
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
I know what you are going to say about this? Well, how about “me” time? Or who will get the kids to their activities, etc etc. The list can go on and on with reasons that you can’t spend time together, but let me make this very clear by saying it again.
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
There are a lot of excuses that you can make for not working on your relationship, but remember that if you don’t work on your relationship, it won’t just keep working.
Here’s some things you can do in our fast crazy world to make time for each other!
- Dates – C’mon, you can do this! At home, during the day, at night, on the weekends. Just do it!
- Rituals of Connections – Here’s the whole list of rituals of connection. Just pick a few and do them.
- Technology freeze – Put down those devices and just talk to each other, read together, listen to music together, take a bath together!
- Sneaky stuff – Act like you love each other. Kiss, hug and do romantic gestures when each other is least expecting it!!
- Talk it out – If your mad at each other, remember that you both love each other and you are both right! Talk it out and remember the good stuff!
I know, it’s hard to do
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If you want something to work, please remember that you need to put effort into it. Not only when things are bad. Put the effort in when things are good so they can stay that way!!
Can’t wait to hear how you prioritize your relationship!!