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Tag Archives: parenting
Shared parenting and stop asking for help!
Okay, I have been hearing a lot about parenting lately and one parent always saying to me, “He doesn’t help” I am using the female/male voice in this post because it is easier and of course there are tons of dads out there that the situation is reveresed. So, how do we start the process of shared parenting?
Let’s stop asking for help and let’s decide roles together. Both of you are working whether it is outside of the house or at home, there are always things to do and it gets tiring to always ask someone for help. I know that my partner will do anything I ask, but I do not want that, I want it to be equal and just automatic. In saying this, I realize that I need to change the way I think and move on to more co-parenting and not primary parenting. When two parents are involved, it is easy for one parent to do most of the day to day stuff and the other to come in and “help”. Let us say that the secondary parent needs to find ways to stay involved without asking the primary parent if they need any help. I would like the word help to be eliminated from each and every household and for everyone to have a family plan as my previous post talked about. I want both of you to work together to figure out which parenting/household skill your good at and work on those skills and check in with each other to make sure both are happy and satified.
The trick is to give your partner space to do things his/her way. You did not marry yourself and you cannot expect your parnter to do things the way you do them. If you want to go out one night, let your partner know he/she is parenting that night. Not that they are helping with the kids, but you will be gone and they will be parenting. If we can just change the word from “help” to parenting, I will be happy with that and then we can work on the rest of it in another post!
As always, share your thoughts and opinions on how this works in your house!
Temper Tantrums and the best ways to avoid them!
Whose been there, trying to rush to do errands and all of a suden your child throws a fit? Everybody has been there, let’s talk about how to avoid these temper tantrums!
1. Water- dehydration is a big cause of mood change especially in this heat. Make sure your kiddos are well hydrated throughout the day.
2. Food-same goes with food. If a child plays for an hour, feed them and make sure they have eaten enough before resuming activities.
3. Sleep-major temper tantrums can be avoided if you understand your child ‘s sleep schedule and do not plan a morn or activity if they are low on sleep.
4. Time-children need help transitioning from one activity to another, need time to adjust, give them a count down and be patient when they do not want to leave especially if already experencing 1-3,
5.Places- children behave better when they are not pressured to. If you need to bring them to an adult activity such as grocery shopping understand they can behave but will get bored easily, be prepared and have fun!
6. Electronic pacifiers- I call all of the iPads and phones that we give children to distract them. What happens when you do not have the devise and the child does not know how to act? I would suggest leaving immediately.
As fas as how to handle them, an average temper tantrums lasts between 1-3 minutes, if you try to intervene it will last longer. Normally children snap back immediately and reset but us adults are affected more. Try to remember why they are having their temper tantrums and that they can only handle so much!
Did I leave anything out? Would love to hear how you handle temper tantrums and ways to avoid them.
The nitty gritty of sleep time for children
So ever since my 4 year old came into my life, my goal was to introduce her to sleeping through the night. The biggest reason being I enjoy my sleep. I cannot tell you how many times people are down right amazed that both my girls are asleep by 7pm. Well, the older one for sure by 7:30. So, who wants to know how this is done!
The first thing I want you to realize is that if getting your children to bed early is a goal for you then you might have to sacrifice other areas in your life. I cannot even begin to tell you how many things we say no to because it interferes with bedtime. We don’t do evening activities or go out with our kids late. If I take them out to eat, it is early.
In our house, we eat dinner at 5:00 pm, bath time at 6pm, put the youngest in by 6:30 and older one by 7pm. That means everyday, weekends, vacations and even summer. Yes, I have made the mistake of letting them stay up late and it always reminds me the next day how my girls need their sleep.
I know that when I leave their rooms and say, “I love you and see you in the morning,” that I mean it and so do they.
Here are some guidelines:
- Have a routine is a must such as bath, book, bottle or breast milk, then bed. This has been the routine since day one.
- We always go into their rooms if there is a problem during the night.
- Since birth, our girls have slept in their own rooms, it works for us and for them.
- Wait about 30 minutes to get them in the morning. Get them used to staying in their rooms from a young age.
- If you are breast feeding, cluster feed and slow down your feedings at night. Yes, I nursed both girls and it can be done.
- Include bargaining and avoidance into your routine. Pick how much you want to give them and let them learn how to push and you push back.
- Be consistent with all care givers, and yes that even includes grandparents.
- No guilt. You are a great parent for reading this and wanting to try something new.
All parenting is trial and error and if one thing does not work then try something else. As parents we need to lean on each other and work together to raise healthy, happy children.
Let me know if you have a method that works or does not work and as always ask questions! Happy parenting!
The time out debate
I hear parents talk about discipline all the time whether it’s the spanking debate or the time out debate. I am a big believer in time outs and I of course will tell you why!
In my opinion time out is a way for a parent and a child to reset and start over. If you are like me, I put my child in time out only when she does something that bothers me. Hence when I am bothered by my child, I need a time out. As parents this great intervention was given to us to be able to take a break, take a deep breathe and be able to calmly parent again.
Time outs need to be seen as an advantage to reset the behavior or mood and go along with your day. If you have a child who is not listening and it’s driving you crazy, then it’s time for you to reset and take a parent time out.
As parents we all get frustrated even down right angry with our children which is normal and the right emotion to feel. How you handle that anger is what makes you a different parent than the next.
Who agrees with me? Or better yet disagrees would love to hear how you deal with time outs
Quality time
As I am working mom, I find the time to really enjoy the time I spend with my girls. What does this mean? It seems as if every one is always in a rush to get from point A to point B that they forget that getting there is part of the journey. I picked up my daughter from school today and we played in front of the school for an hour. It was not planned or structured but it was a lot of fun. My girls got to use their imaginations and just enjoy playing.
i try to let them enjoy, explore and create when we can. I do not over schedule and let their moods determine how much they can handle. When I am with my girls I am engaged with them so when I am away from them, there is no sadness on their part that mommy is gone, they enjoy mommy time and I make it as enjoyable as I can. When that happens and my girls are happy, they are better listeners and will do what I ask without giving me such a hard time. Yes, parenting is tough but it can also be fun! Today was one of those fun days!
Relationship Seminar
On Wednesday evening, I had the opportunity to put on relationship seminar for some people in my community. Please enjoy the recorded video below.
Dr. Jennifer Lagrotte, DMFT, LMFT, LMHC is a family therapist in Coral Springs Florida, has been in practice since 2004 and a pioneer in online therapy solutions. With offices centrally located in Coral Springs Florida, she offers webcam and other convenient, online options in addition to conventional office visits. She specializes in families, couples and parental issues.
Once a month, Dr. Lagrotte will be holding therapy seminars at Congregation Kol Tikvah in Parkland, Florida and is free for all who attend. In addition, she will be publishing recordings of the seminars on her website in the seminars section at facetofacetherapy.com/seminars/
Parenting Seminar
On Wednesday evening, I had the opportunity to put on parenting seminar for some people in my community. Please enjoy the recorded video below.
F2F Parenting Seminar Nov 13th, 2013 from Matt Lagrotte on Vimeo.
How to deal with burnout as a parent?
I am really glad that I waited to write this post today instead of 2 days ago when I was feeling burnt out because I have such a different perspective on what burn out is and how to avoid it. As I said, 2 days ago, it was scary, I had such a busy day with the kids and I was just so tired and no amount of caffeine would help me, and just the thought of waking up the next day and doing it all over again made me feel exhausted. I am sure that everyone feels burn out from parenting whether you are a stay at home parent or working. How do you deal with it and move forward?
1. Find a way to relax: After my busy days, I am usually working more but after I had to use the “B” word (burnout) I realized I needed a break, so I took one. I took a bath by myself, read my book and went to bed!
2. Ask for help: There is no shame and admitted your kids are driving you crazy and you need to relieve yourself of parenting duties. Whether it’s a babysitter, spouse, family member or friend, get help and get it quick. Everyone understands and there is no guilt involved in wanting a break.
3. Plans: I do not know about you, but when I have either date night planned or a vacation planned, I count down the days. Plan something even if its with the kids. On vacation, relax and let someone else take over.
Last but not least, do what I did and take a few days, regroup and realize that you cannot always handle everything and take a step back from your life to realize how great your kids really are!
Parenting Styles
I was at Lion Country Safari with my family today and of course being a therapist, I love to look around and see what everybody else is doing. On one side of me, I had a couple who ordered all fried food for themselves and for their children and on the other side I had a husband and wife order kids meals with fried food. Both families let their children sit by themselves while they sat at a different table. It occurred to me how many different parenting styles there are and if one is better than the other?
I believe that we are role models for our children and what we do they do as well. I try to live a healthy life and reflect that onto my children and wonder if others are thinking how their food choices affect their children’s choices.
I also do not believe in making my children finish their food. If they want dessert, it makes me believe that they have room for more food so I do make them finish in that case, but over feeding a child is just wrong to me and I think it leads to more problems in the future. I overheard a mother say to her child today, “You need to sit on your bottom and finish your food or else I have no problem yanking your pants down and spanking you right here.” Okay, so what is the issue for me here. It is actually the forcing your child to finish your food. I was watching this boy and he was full and he was done. So why was he forced to eat? I am not sure. Now, I am sure she was looking at my children who left half of their food and were up from the table throwing out our food and saying, “Gosh, why isn’t she parenting?
So which is right or wrong? The answer is simple, there is no right or wrong, it is just what you know. I can only hope that we all continue to try to be better people for our children so they have the best example to follow. We only know what we have been taught and we are all doing the best we can, but is that good enough? Should we be doing better?
Let me know your thoughts because I would like feedback on this topic.
Back To School
Whether it is this week, next week or it has already happened, back to school is in full swing. My children are young, but we are still getting excited for school. We got our back to school supplies, backpack is packed and lunch is ready for tomorrow. What does back to school mean to me?
Schedule-I hear from a lot of people that their schedules are more relaxed in the summer time. As I have learned from experience over and over again, children thrive on schedule and routine. It is great for them and great for us. Keep them on a schedule and share that schedule for them as well.
Activities-Along with those schedules comes all the activities that the fall brings. Whether its sports, dance or something else there is more activities than space in this blog. Just remember that the activities need to be fun and also have time for family and play. If there is a time when the schedule becomes too much, this is where you need to cut the time. Trust me, your children will survive and be thankful in the end.
Emotions-Whether its your own or your child’s emotions can flare up around the time of drop off or even pick up. Have enough time for your child, remember that there might have been something that upset them during the day and they are letting it out after school is over. Just take time and talk, make sure they are not hungry, tired or thirsty before those activities.
As always, this is a collaborative approach so if you have anything to add, please let me know.