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Tag Archives: Gottman
The 5 1/2 hour a week fix to your relationship!
How much time do you think you should spend on your relationship each week? The Gottman Method for Couple’s therapy has come up with a concept called The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week. What does this mean to you and me as people in relationships with busy lives and work, children and external stressors getting in the way of spending time together? It means that this is how much time you should spend on your relationship each week in order to keep your relationship working. Here is how to do it!
Parting: Don’t part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner’s day, and kiss for a minimum of six seconds. Two minutes a day x 5 working days. Total 10 minutes
Reunions: The six second kiss. The stress reducing conversation. Each partner take 10 minutes to talk about your day. Partner does active listening. Give support. Rule: Understanding must precede advice. Twenty minutes a day x five days. Total 1 hour and 40 minutes.
Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation for your partner. Five minutes a day x seven days. Total: 35 minutes
Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, touch each other. Play is good. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep, and what ever else you think of. Five minutes a day x seven days Total 35 minutes
Love Maps: Update your love maps (means to know each other and what is going on in your life). Turn towards each other. Go out on a relationship day for at least 2 hours once a week. Think of great questions to ask your partner while on your date or just in general. Total: At least 2 hours.
Aftermath of a fight. This is a technique used in the Gottman Method therapy to resolve conflict and make sure both sides are heard. The speaker talks about their feelings, tells their story and the listener responds with understanding of what the listener is saying. Then you switch roles. This is a great exercise to use after a fight to understand both partners feelings. Total: Thirty minutes once a week.
To start out this might seem as if it is a lot of work and hard to do but try to incorporate what you can slowly and work on adding the full five and one-half hours to your week to stay connected, talk about feelings instead of problem solve, and learn how to express emotions.
If you have any further questions about this, please do not hesitate to ask.
What I learned from the level 1 Gottman training
I have been so excited to attend the level 1 Gottman training ever since I found out about it. FAU presented it at a reduced rate which for me was a great added bonus. Of course as life is I did not expect to be moving into a hotel room for at least 4 weeks due to a water pipe breaking under my house. Nether less it packed up the car the morning of the first session to arrive at my hotel that night.
After getting completely lost on FAU campus the training finally started. Didn’t really know it was a 2 day video of John and Julie Gottman but I managed to sit for 8 hours each day and reenergize my desire to be the best couples therapist I can be.
The first interesting thing I learned is that the Gottman’s use a 3 session assessment. First session together, second session individual and third session together. Well, now I know why I love them, this is the same format I used in my ACP to finish my doctorate.
I also learned that most of the concepts being presented were ones that I already know which was reassuring as a therapist. I think the one thing I took away from the two day training is that I need to take a step back and let my clients interact more. The Gottman approach is all about the therapist sitting back and being a guide. I will allow my clients more room to explore how they can talk to themselves.
On the second day I run into a problem where I was told information via text that I could not fix because I wasn’t there. Instead of getting mad at the person, I let them know I was frustrated because I am a fixer and was unable to fix. I do believe this training helped me see I need to and teach others how best to speak from the “I” position.
The question remains will I go on to level 2 training. I am thinking yes! And I cannot wait to learn more.
Stay tuned for more tidbits from my experience at this training.