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Tag Archives: Gottman
Priorities, Priorities and More Priorities
Who’s busy today? It’s Tuesday, not Monday, but it seems as each day of the week is busier than the next. I know that for me, the weekdays are easier than the weekends because there’s a better schedule for me, but still, craziness at all levels.
So how do you find time to have a great relationship? What does that even mean?
As a couples therapist, I have heard this phrase a lot, “We just don’t have the time to spend together.” Or, yeah, we travel, but our children/child is always with us. How are we supposed to do things alone when we have so many other obligations?
Umm, anyone that knows me will know what I am about to say!
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
I know what you are going to say about this? Well, how about “me” time? Or who will get the kids to their activities, etc etc. The list can go on and on with reasons that you can’t spend time together, but let me make this very clear by saying it again.
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
There are a lot of excuses that you can make for not working on your relationship, but remember that if you don’t work on your relationship, it won’t just keep working.
Here’s some things you can do in our fast crazy world to make time for each other!
- Dates – C’mon, you can do this! At home, during the day, at night, on the weekends. Just do it!
- Rituals of Connections – Here’s the whole list of rituals of connection. Just pick a few and do them.
- Technology freeze – Put down those devices and just talk to each other, read together, listen to music together, take a bath together!
- Sneaky stuff – Act like you love each other. Kiss, hug and do romantic gestures when each other is least expecting it!!
- Talk it out – If your mad at each other, remember that you both love each other and you are both right! Talk it out and remember the good stuff!
I know, it’s hard to do
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If you want something to work, please remember that you need to put effort into it. Not only when things are bad. Put the effort in when things are good so they can stay that way!!
Can’t wait to hear how you prioritize your relationship!!
It’s not you, it’s me
Hi and hope are doing well! I get on these kicks and my clients know that and put up with me and I want to share my last kick with you as well. No, it’s not you, it’s me. Who really believes it when someone says this to them? Have you ever had a break-up in your life and you heard this phrase? If so, welcome to the club. This phrase can be so hard to hear and I have finally cracked the code on what it means to me and I just wanted to share with you!
No, it’s not you, it’s me relates to the kick I’ve been on that deals with what you can control.
What you can control breaks down to this:
What you do and How you react
Seems pretty simple right, but how does this affect your relationship? Well, how many times have you blamed your partner for getting you upset? Have you really looked at those times and asked yourself, hey self how could I have reacted differently or what should I do differently next time?
Let’s break this down even further to what really changes a conversation to a fight. It’s called triggers and those are the things that really prevent you from controlling how you act and how you react. I can be the calmest person, but if I get triggered, watch out, either relationship tiger or mama bear can come out and attack at any moment.
What are some triggers and how do we notice them?
What Triggered Me…
- I felt excluded I felt powerless I felt unheard I felt scolded
- I felt judged I felt blamed I felt disrespected I felt lack of attention
- I felt uncared for I felt lonely I felt ignored I felt controlled
- I felt forgotten I felt unsafe I felt unloved I felt frustrated
- I felt disconnected I felt trapped I felt lack of passion I felt manipulated
You notice how all of these start with “I felt”?
I will tell you that when you are in an argument with someone that you love and you get triggered, it’s not them that causes you to get triggered, it’s you. Triggers are within us and they can control us or help us understand better.
Do you know your triggers? Did you know that you were getting triggered each time you had a fight about how you were feeling inside? If you didn’t know, this is the time to self reflect and start to understand what gets you upset and what triggers you, then you can begin to understand more about the concept, no, it’s not you, it’s me. Once you understand your triggers, or can at least identify one, reach out and let me know how you stopped yourself from getting upset.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Top 5 Reasons People Cheat
You saw the title, the Top 5 Reasons People Cheat. What do you think the number #1 infidelity reason is? Do you think it’s sex addiction? If you do, you’re wrong. Do you think that people that cheat end up divorced? Nope, not if I can help it.
What happens to make a relationship fall apart?
Life Happens
Yes, this sounds so vague, but it’s so true. You’re together for how many years? Your children sleep in your bed, you don’t get dressed for the day, date nights are laughable events that just don’t happen and you just drift apart.
Communication
Well, it’s really that you stop communicating when you find yourself drifting apart. Can you remember the last time you two just sat down and talked about things? Do you find yourself being able to talk to someone else more easily? Is that person a friend or is that person more than a friend?
Stressors
I’m talking about the life events that happen such as health problems, change in financial status or problems with extended family. Anything that affects both of you very much and you don’t deal with it. You just go along as if life is fine, until one day it isn’t and you don’t know how to handle things. These stressors can make you turn to the person that you can talk to, have fun with and forget about the stressors for awhile.
No More Fighting
You just read “no more fighting” and thought “Yeah!! This is a good thing right?” Wrong! When you stop fighting, you stop caring. If you care what your partner thinks, does, or says, then you’re still in it. When you get to the point that you just give up and are burnt out, that is the time that you reach out to the “other person.”
It Just Happens
I know, you don’t believe me but yes, it does just happen. It’s a mistake or things are bad or you want to act like a different person when you travel. It does just happen when all of the other things are not in place, so we will need to keep those things in place in order for those temptations at bay.
What Happens Afterwards?
I’m here to tell you that most people say that cheating is a deal breaker, but it’s 100% not the truth at all. If you’re together, whether married or just in a relationship for 20 years, that is a lot to give up for mistakes that have happened along the way. Give yourself a few moments to breathe and let’s see if we can work on this together for you.
I’m here to help and this is what I do. I guide couples through the ups and downs of this raw, emotional time. You don’t have to know what you want, you just have to show up and let the process work for you.
Thanks for listening and if you want more information on how we work on affair recovery, you can check out this https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/gottman-method/infidelity-therapy/
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
I’m blessed to have 2 elementary age children who are at school for 6 hours a day. I can get stuff done, exercise and of course, work on my business. When my children walk through the door, my world shifts and I don’t always know what I’m getting myself into when they come home.Read More
Let’s Talk About Emotions!
Let’s Talk Emotions
I am a Gottman couples’ therapist and I love working with couples. I get to see the transition from hurt, angry, distant to loving, intimate and enjoying each other. Understanding your emotions is not easy, but yes, it is possible.Read More
How Do You Focus on the Big Picture?
So, how did you two first meet?
When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?” This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk. How do we focus on the big picture?
I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.
My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.
So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning? Here are some tips.
1. Relook at your wedding album
These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.
2. Ask your partner out on dates
It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!
3. Do your rituals of connection
If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.
4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting
Again I talk about this one quite a lot. Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.
5. Share alone time with friends/families
Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other. Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!
Wrapping Up
All of these are about create intimacy between you both. It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash? It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal. Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.
Do you want to start your Second Marriage?
I work with couples
I work with couples, as you all know by now. When I meet my wonderful clients, I meet them at a time in there lives when things could be better. Well, that was a nice way to say it. Typically, people only reach out for help when things are really bad. I would love to change that and have people reach out to me when things are good, but that’s for another blog.
When I meet with people, especially the ones that go through affair recovery, (yes, you can recover from an affair) I use the term “second marriage“, or “second relationship” for those not married.
What is a Second Marriage?
I use the Gottman Method with my couples. Especially when going through an affair it’s hard to give up everything about your relationship. I know most people believe it’s a deal breaker but that is before it happens to you and then you’re in a state of shock and you have history together.
What do you do? Throw it all away? Discard all of the good times because of the bad? If you are coming to me for help, you know that I tell people that they’re much stronger after the affair recovery because it takes a lot of guts and sweat to get through it, for both partners. For the accused it takes guts to talk about the affair and for the innocent, to hear about it. It’s painstaking no matter which way you look at it and that’s where the second relationship comes in. It’s called the Second Marriage.
How does it work?
We use the sound relationship house as a guide to repair the relationship. We realize through this repair that you don’t want to go back to the old ways. Whether you didn’t communicate enough or lost intimacy or passion, there were things missing that led you to my office and into this new marriage… things will be different!
You get to decide to say how you feel, understand that being hurt is okay and can make you stronger and how to lean on your partner instead of turning away. This second marriage is the one you used to have, or maybe never did, but it is the one that you leave my office with.
It’s not just for affairs
If you are struggling with your partner and would like a chance at your second marriage, let’s talk and figure out what that means to you. Let’s figure out how we can get you to your happy!
Let’s Do 2018!
Happy New Year and Welcome to 2018! This will be a good year for me and I hope for you as well. My business is moving in the right direction, relationship is good, kids are good and I am turning 45 this year! I really like to focus on the past year instead of focusing on the future and the unknown. How can I make a plan for the future without knowing about the past?
So here goes my year review of 2017
The Good
I finally have 2 children in elementary school. I made it to the top of the mountain, as I like to call it. No more spending an hour in the store when I can run in for 5 seconds. Additional bonus to this is that they’ll both be in the same school for 4 years! Yep, same schedule for 4 years, I should just stop right now and enjoy this.
As I said, since both of my children are in school, I have time to focus on me. Wahoo, well, not that much time but still time. I get a massage or facial 1x a month. I go on date lunches with my husband when he works from home and I can exercise during the day! All good stuff.
My relationship has been worked on for the last 10 years and thankful for the The Gottman Method, lots of communication and clarification on what I need. I understand my love language and more importantly, my husband understand it as well. I get his and we both try to give as much as we can to each other!
Most importantly, we are healthy. I have crazy healthy kids. Myself, I try to stay healthy to help my sanity at all times. We try to eat right and work on ourselves when we can.
The Bad
It has also been a challenging year with health of my parents, craziness of trying to do the stay-at-home mom thing while working on my career.
My family is very important to me and when one person is not well, it affects us all. My mom had some health problems this year and my dad had some as well. Always puts all the small stuff in perspective when you are dealing with health problems. I will take healthy family over anything else and do not mind the small stuff anymore. Happy to report that everyone is on the mend and we are looking forward to a healthy 2018.
I struggle with the balance of working and doing the mom stuff. I know that it is not a bad really. I really enjoying the time i spend with my family and I really enjoy the time I spend with my clients. Always a struggle to find the right balance and where I am needed the most.
So, as in all of this craziness of the past year, I really think there was more good than bad. In saying that, I would love to know about your past year and how everything turned out for you.
How to Be a Great Listener
Are you listening?
Does your partner say all the time “you never listen” or “you have no idea what that even means?” You’re there and hearing the words that someone else is saying, so doesn’t that make you a great listener? Well, to answer your question, if your partner doesn’t think you’re a good listener then it’s time to read this and find out how to be a great listener.
Read More
When is a good time to tell your partner “I told you so?”
Okay, true story that happened today and I had to reflect on it and then share it with all of you. So, my husband reached out to me for emotional support about something that happened at work and he was feeling bad about it. I had to think about what I was going to say to him, to not make him feel any worse and try to boost him up. Read More