11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Tag Archives: Couples
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
We’re into the month of January, so how are those New Year’s plans coming along? Are you working on yourself? Are you thinking about going back to school or changing jobs? Have you been thinking about your relationship lately and how it’s going? How often do you think about leaving your relationship? What are your motivation for staying?
Let’s break down the reasons to stay or leave
Reasons for staying!
Love – Okay, I picked an easy one to start with. Yes, but do you still love your partner? If you do, then staying is an easy decision to make because whatever’s going on doesn’t seem so bad compared to how you feel about your partner.
Compatibility – Do you agree about the big stuff? Are you able to find shows to watch together? Is picking dinner a battle? If you agree on the big stuff, then that is something to really think about when you’re looking at the big picture.
Communication – How well do you communicate? Do your needs get met? If they do, that’s golden and to me, that’s the #1 reason to stay. If you and your partner communicate well together, you are set for life!
Work well together – Have you been talking forever about things and they don’t get resolved or have you seen improvements on the thousands of things that need to change? If you’re both working on things and willing to keep working on them, that’s the real deal right there!
Reasons for leaving!
Children/family – So, are you wondering why I put this here? Staying for the sake of the children is a bad idea. Lots of people do it but some realize that they don’t have to and their children will be okay if they are separated. Your children want you to be happy, not just for them but truly happy. If you cannot do that together then it’s okay to separate.
Abuse/Addiction – I’m going to put these two together because they have similar qualities to them. If you’re with someone that has an addiction or is abusive to you and will not get help for themselves, then that’s a reason to leave. It’s okay to and you can do it!
Changed directions – What about the situation that we hear about all the time that you drift apart. It happens. Life takes on new roles for people. If you weren’t working on staying connected and you’re in new places in your life, then maybe splitting up is good for you or maybe you can try, up to you.
No passion – Okay, we get it, together for 20 years, yes, the passion dies down, but what’s left in its place? There needs to be something there to connect you two. If not, you’re better off leaving.
And what about infidelity?
Okay, not sure if you’re wondering why i didn’t add cheating to either of these lists? Since, affair work is my passion and it’s what I do, I can say that it falls into both categories depending on the situation and how it’s dealt with. It’s easier to leave, but so much more rewarding to stay and work through things.
So, who agrees with my list? Anything I majorly missed? Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
And if you’re thinking about therapy, take this free quiz now https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling
It’s not you, it’s me
Hi and hope are doing well! I get on these kicks and my clients know that and put up with me and I want to share my last kick with you as well. No, it’s not you, it’s me. Who really believes it when someone says this to them? Have you ever had a break-up in your life and you heard this phrase? If so, welcome to the club. This phrase can be so hard to hear and I have finally cracked the code on what it means to me and I just wanted to share with you!
No, it’s not you, it’s me relates to the kick I’ve been on that deals with what you can control.
What you can control breaks down to this:
What you do and How you react
Seems pretty simple right, but how does this affect your relationship? Well, how many times have you blamed your partner for getting you upset? Have you really looked at those times and asked yourself, hey self how could I have reacted differently or what should I do differently next time?
Let’s break this down even further to what really changes a conversation to a fight. It’s called triggers and those are the things that really prevent you from controlling how you act and how you react. I can be the calmest person, but if I get triggered, watch out, either relationship tiger or mama bear can come out and attack at any moment.
What are some triggers and how do we notice them?
What Triggered Me…
- I felt excluded I felt powerless I felt unheard I felt scolded
- I felt judged I felt blamed I felt disrespected I felt lack of attention
- I felt uncared for I felt lonely I felt ignored I felt controlled
- I felt forgotten I felt unsafe I felt unloved I felt frustrated
- I felt disconnected I felt trapped I felt lack of passion I felt manipulated
You notice how all of these start with “I felt”?
I will tell you that when you are in an argument with someone that you love and you get triggered, it’s not them that causes you to get triggered, it’s you. Triggers are within us and they can control us or help us understand better.
Do you know your triggers? Did you know that you were getting triggered each time you had a fight about how you were feeling inside? If you didn’t know, this is the time to self reflect and start to understand what gets you upset and what triggers you, then you can begin to understand more about the concept, no, it’s not you, it’s me. Once you understand your triggers, or can at least identify one, reach out and let me know how you stopped yourself from getting upset.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Wants and Needs
I’ve been asked (or maybe I’m just talking about it this week) on the difference between needs and wants.
When I was a new mom and I was wondering how the heck I would take care of 2 kids (a baby and a toddler) at the same time while I was breastfeeding one and the other has never left my side, arggghhh!! I was given the best advice:
Babies have needs, toddlers have wants, decide who needs you more!!
Wow, that was so powerful, quotable and helpful because when you’re sleep deprived and not knowing what you’re doing, how do you do it all? Um, you take turns, take a breathe and figure it out.
So, I was thinking about this again with my clients this week. I had some great conversations about it and how we can think about what we need in our relationships compared to what we want.
What I believe my needs are
Trust
So important to me to be able to trust my partner. This takes on a different meaning for me because I can trust him not to cheat on me, but I can’t always trust that he will do what he says. I need someone that will do what they say and say what they will do.
Emotions
I’m a therapist and anyone that’s with me needs to know that talking about emotions is important to me. I need to work through things, get rid of the upset feelings and get to the true emotions behind what we’re talking about. Guess I can call them triggers as well.
Co-Parenting
Yes, there can only be one parent that is working at a time, but there are two parents that need to be parenting all the time. Even though I work, and so does he, I need to feel as if our children are both of our responsibilities all the time. Work in progress here.
Talking
This is huge for me and I need this so much. I need to talk things out and work out what needs to be worked out. The silence is a killer for me. Huge need is to talk.
Let’s switch to some of my wants
Plans
I’m a planner and I like to have plans made. Something about having plans made is soothing to me and lets me get excited about things and helps me stay calm. My partner is a “spur of the moment” kinda guy so this is always a work in progress.
Vacations
I’m putting this in the wants section because it’s not a need. I do enjoy going away, seeing new things and of course planning it all!
Healthy Lifestyle
This is a need for me and I do this personally to stay sane, but it’s a want in my life because I can’t make anyone do anything solely for me. Maybe it’s a want/need!
In Summary
I’m going to stop there because I can add a lot more wants but in reality, I’m okay with getting my needs met. My needs are my core and when I get my needs met, I’m happy and content with my relationship.
How about you? Do you know your wants and needs? Do you need help distinguishing them Let’s hear from you and how you distinguish the two.
Ready to Move Forward?
We are approaching the end of the year! Yes, we made it through another year! Love it! And love that we’re covering so much content in these newsletters together.
So, if you don’t already know how I feel about resolutions (ya know the things where you say you’re going to do all these new things in your life and then maybe you will do them or maybe you won’t) instead, I like to reflect back on what has worked this past year and how I can improve on it for next year.
Resolve to not have Resolutions
Work
Makes sense that I put this first right? Would you put this first? Seems to me that work is the easiest place in our lives to notice how well we are doing. Did you get that promotion or that bonus you were looking for? Are you where you want to be in your career? Think about all that you have done with work this year and let’s remember how great we are!
Relationship
I have to admit that I was going to put family next, but I changed my mind. I talk about relationships a lot and it’s pretty much where I focus most of my energy since it’s my work as well.
How’s your relationship going? Are you fighting less or more? Dating or ignoring each other? Take a minute and realize that if you look at it over the whole year, it might look different than just day to day!
Family
I think we can lump kids, parents, pets, etc into this category because they all take up equal amounts of my time. This past year, my parents and pets took up more time than my children so I’m looking forward to making them more of a priority next year. Who did you focus on this year? Was it worth it to you? Do you feel as if you have an energy left for yourself? Remember, 50% of your energy goes to you, 50% goes to everyone else. Raise your hand if you spend more than 50% on everyone else? Yes, let’s work to change that number up even if it’s just 1%.
Me time
Lastly and most importantly, is the me category. I put this last because for the most part that’s where we put ourselves and we need to have enough energy to be kind to ourselves. Let’s try to move this category up a few notches next year. We are working on ourselves now and for the future. What do you want to change? I want to learn how to self reflect and understand how I”m feeling when someone gets me upset. I’m going to start to work on it today!
Yes, the moral is that we don’t need lists, goals or resolutions to help us move forward with our lives. We need ourselves mostly and to stay connected to the ones around us.
I’m going to work on myself and find the areas that need to be changed, stay the same or let go.
I’m excited to hear what you are working on. Please reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know how you are doing.
I”m going to reflect and think about what I want to bring to you for the new year. If you have any topics that you are interested in, please let me know!!
Cheers for now and let’s move forward!
Top 5 Reasons People Cheat
You saw the title, the Top 5 Reasons People Cheat. What do you think the number #1 infidelity reason is? Do you think it’s sex addiction? If you do, you’re wrong. Do you think that people that cheat end up divorced? Nope, not if I can help it.
What happens to make a relationship fall apart?
Life Happens
Yes, this sounds so vague, but it’s so true. You’re together for how many years? Your children sleep in your bed, you don’t get dressed for the day, date nights are laughable events that just don’t happen and you just drift apart.
Communication
Well, it’s really that you stop communicating when you find yourself drifting apart. Can you remember the last time you two just sat down and talked about things? Do you find yourself being able to talk to someone else more easily? Is that person a friend or is that person more than a friend?
Stressors
I’m talking about the life events that happen such as health problems, change in financial status or problems with extended family. Anything that affects both of you very much and you don’t deal with it. You just go along as if life is fine, until one day it isn’t and you don’t know how to handle things. These stressors can make you turn to the person that you can talk to, have fun with and forget about the stressors for awhile.
No More Fighting
You just read “no more fighting” and thought “Yeah!! This is a good thing right?” Wrong! When you stop fighting, you stop caring. If you care what your partner thinks, does, or says, then you’re still in it. When you get to the point that you just give up and are burnt out, that is the time that you reach out to the “other person.”
It Just Happens
I know, you don’t believe me but yes, it does just happen. It’s a mistake or things are bad or you want to act like a different person when you travel. It does just happen when all of the other things are not in place, so we will need to keep those things in place in order for those temptations at bay.
What Happens Afterwards?
I’m here to tell you that most people say that cheating is a deal breaker, but it’s 100% not the truth at all. If you’re together, whether married or just in a relationship for 20 years, that is a lot to give up for mistakes that have happened along the way. Give yourself a few moments to breathe and let’s see if we can work on this together for you.
I’m here to help and this is what I do. I guide couples through the ups and downs of this raw, emotional time. You don’t have to know what you want, you just have to show up and let the process work for you.
Thanks for listening and if you want more information on how we work on affair recovery, you can check out this https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/gottman-method/infidelity-therapy/
Move Your Marriage to a Better Place
A guest blog by Tanja Fridolfs, http://tanjafridolfs.com
HERE ARE 3 TIPS TO GET YOU THINKING AND WORKING TOWARDS A BETTER MARRIAGE
Communication is one of the main issues couples tell me they struggle with. While I hold to the idea, that there is often much more going on than just lack of communication skills, there is something to be said for being an effective communicator.Read More
Relationship Load
What’s Relationship Load?
I read a really good article the other day about how much we take on in our lives and how it can overload us to the point where we can’t do simple tasks. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think the need for “underloading” has come and I think there’s also a need to underload in your relationship as well.
What the heck am I talking about when I say underload in your relationship?
Read More
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
I’m blessed to have 2 elementary age children who are at school for 6 hours a day. I can get stuff done, exercise and of course, work on my business. When my children walk through the door, my world shifts and I don’t always know what I’m getting myself into when they come home.Read More
Let’s Talk About Emotions!
Let’s Talk Emotions
I am a Gottman couples’ therapist and I love working with couples. I get to see the transition from hurt, angry, distant to loving, intimate and enjoying each other. Understanding your emotions is not easy, but yes, it is possible.Read More
How Do You Focus on the Big Picture?
So, how did you two first meet?
When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?” This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk. How do we focus on the big picture?
I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.
My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.
So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning? Here are some tips.
1. Relook at your wedding album
These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.
2. Ask your partner out on dates
It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!
3. Do your rituals of connection
If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.
4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting
Again I talk about this one quite a lot. Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.
5. Share alone time with friends/families
Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other. Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!
Wrapping Up
All of these are about create intimacy between you both. It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash? It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal. Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.