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The Importance of Intellectual Chemistry in Relationships
When most people talk about chemistry in a relationship, their minds travel to physical chemistry. Of course, physical chemistry is often the very first connection we make with another person we may want to date. While physical chemistry is important in a relationship, other areas should not be overlooked. For example, it’s also important for a couple to have strong emotional and intellectual chemistry.
Intellectual chemistry plays a crucial role in the overall happiness levels of the couple. But why is this so important?
What Is Intellectual Chemistry and Why Is It Important?
Intellectual chemistry does not mean that you need to find someone who is just as smart or smarter than you. Rather, it refers to connecting with someone and engaging in conversations that stimulate you. Communication is one of the basic building blocks of every healthy relationship. When you have good communication with your partner, it adds value and substance to it.
It Encourages Growth
Intellectual chemistry encourages each individual person to learn and promotes self-growth. It provides a space for you to inspire each other and explore new ideas or topics together. When you are helping each other grow, it helps to strengthen the connection between each other.
It Encourages Expression
Knowing you can trust your partner is another crucial ingredient for a healthy relationship. Good intellectual chemistry makes you more likely to open up to each other and express your thoughts and feelings. You trust that your thoughts and feelings are validated and your partner understands where you are coming from. Neither of you will feel as if you will just be dismissed. Will there be misunderstandings? Of course, there will be.
Good communication with each other does not mean you will always be on the same page all the time. Instead, you may disagree, but you know that your partner will at least attempt to understand your perspective.
It Encourages Emotional Intimacy
In most cases, if one key area of intimacy is missing from a relationship, it can impact the relationship overall. Sharing intellectual chemistry with your partner will help you connect emotionally and physically. As we mentioned above, having strong intellectual chemistry encourages you to be open and understanding with each other.
It Encourages a Great Support System
Knowing you are connecting with your partner on multiple levels helps you feel validated and secure in the relationship. No matter what happens within your personal lives, you know firsthand that they have your back. And they know the same to be true for you.
It Helps You Set Boundaries
When we talk about strong intellectual chemistry, we encourage an open flow of communication about various topics and ideas. Now, that doesn’t mean you will agree with each other on every single topic. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree about certain topics.
When you understand what topics tend to lead to arguments and conflict and you can’t seem to resolve them, intellectual chemistry can be beneficial. You can agree that certain topics, such as politics, are off-limits because your views are entirely different. Be respectful of each other’s differing views and learn to set boundaries on what you will bring up with each other.
How to Improve Intellectual Chemistry
No relationship is perfect. Even with strong intellectual chemistry, it will not always go smoothly. You’ll get into arguments about little things or even big things. The point of having intellectual chemistry is not to make your relationship flawless.
Instead, the point is to strengthen your connection and improve communication. Fostering these two things can improve your intellectual chemistry and heal any past wounds. Reach out to learn more about couples therapy and how it can help.
Why Intellectual Chemistry Matters in a Relationship
When we think of chemistry in a relationship, our thoughts first travel to physical chemistry. While many people believe physical chemistry to be the most important aspect of a relationship, it’s only one of many.
Any relationship has four pillars of chemistry — physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. They are all important, but each couple will value these types of chemistry differently.
Intellectual chemistry is one of the pillars of a relationship that is often overlooked. So why is it important?
What Is Intellectual Chemistry?
Intellectual chemistry refers to feeling mentally attracted to the person we are with. While intellectual chemistry might not be as important as the other pillars to some couples, one thing is for certain: fostering a strong mental connection with your partner can improve the relationship overall.
Why Is It Important?
Most relationships begin with physical attraction. However, as time passes, physical attraction often loses its grip on being the sole focus of the relationship. During this shift, your mental connection with your partner becomes increasingly vital.
Humans, more or less, are social creatures. We crave connection with other people and generally look to our relationships as the source of fulfillment in several areas. But how do you know your intellectual chemistry is strong?
Signs of Strong Intellectual Chemistry
1. Talking to Each Other Is Easy
This is a sign of strong intellectual chemistry if you never have to interpret your partner’s words or rephrase your own. Another strong sign is when you don’t feel bored by your conversations. The ability to have easy conversations with each other doesn’t mean you always agree with each other. In fact, you’ll likely have many conversations where you don’t see eye to eye.
However, when you can communicate effectively, these conversations won’t become a fight but a valuable discussion.
2. You Respect Each Other’s Opinions
You and your partner likely have many things in common. On the other hand, you’ll probably have just as many topics that you don’t. No matter what, though, you should always respect each other’s opinions. A couple with strong intellectual chemistry won’t let their differences come between them.
3. You Help Each Other Grow
Another strong sign of intellectual chemistry is when you and your partner work as a team. While you are also focused on individual growth, you should naturally want to see your partner grow. You’re dedicated to helping them become better people — not because you think they are flawed but because you want to see them be the absolute best version of themselves.
How to Strengthen Your Intellectual Chemistry
After reading through those signs, you likely have an idea of how you can improve your relationship. However, fostering a strong intellectual chemistry doesn’t always come naturally to everyone, especially if there has been a breakdown in communication in the past. Strengthening your intellectual chemistry is possible, but it won’t be an overnight change.
A great way to strengthen your bond is to do things together that are interactive. Watch movies or TV shows and discuss what happened and what you like most about the show. Try reading the same book together and discussing that. Or, take a cooking class or other hobby skill class. By doing fun things together, you not only get to shake things up from the status quo, but you can also use it as a way to become closer to them emotionally.
If you are struggling with your relationship, feel free to reach out to learn more about couples therapy. Whether you are constantly arguing or don’t feel a connection with them, we can help you get that spark back.
What is Emotional Neglect in a Relationship?
No relationship is perfect. When you are in a relationship with another person, it takes sacrifice and commitment from both to make things work. Things won’t always work smoothly, though, but that’s normal. Spotting issues in a relationship, whether from the outside or inside, can be challenging.
While it is sometimes overlooked, one of the more challenging parts of a relationship is balancing each other’s needs and wants. While physical intimacy is often the main focus of a relationship, emotional intimacy is equally important. It may be surprising to hear, but emotional neglect is very real and has a damaging effect on a person’s mental health as well as the relationship.
What Is Emotional Neglect?
At its core, emotional neglect involves the absence of emotional responsiveness or support within a relationship. In cases like this, it is not about what is being done but what is not.
There are many ways that emotional neglect can manifest in a relationship. These may include:
Failure to nurture the emotional connection with each other.
Not validating one partner’s feelings.
Not allowing a safe space for expression and honesty.
Emotional neglect does not leave a physical scar. However, the effects of emotional neglect can be just as profound and impactful as physical neglect or abuse.
A big challenge with detecting emotional neglect is the fact that it is very subtle in nature. Often, it starts to take root in a relationship gradually and goes unnoticed. It often doesn’t even start intentionally. Instead, it takes root because we all live busy lives and become preoccupied with other responsibilities.
What Is The Impact Of Emotional Neglect?
When emotional neglect goes unnoticed, it can create feelings of loneliness, resentment, and insecurity. This often erodes the foundation of trust and honesty in a relationship, two of the main foundations of any relationship.
Why does this happen? There are so many different reasons for emotional neglect. Beyond life’s common hustle and bustle, someone may be neglectful because of issues stemming from their childhood or past relationships. Or, they may struggle with something internally pulling their focus away from their partner.
Can You Heal From Emotional Neglect?
Just like you can heal from physical scars, you can move forward with your partner if you feel as if your emotions are being neglected.
5 Tips to Better Communicate with Your ADHD Partner
All couples have different communication styles. You will very rarely see two individuals who communicate in the same exact way. This couldn’t be any more true for couples where one partner has ADHD.
ADHD, or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, contrary to popular belief, is something that impacts adults, too, not just children. Having ADHD, or any other condition, does not mean that there is anything wrong with the person. Instead, being neurodivergent just means that the brain behaves differently.
Healthy communication in a relationship that is impacted by ADHD is absolutely possible. Getting there takes some work, but the same can be said for all relationships.
Here are five tips to communicate with your ADHD partner.
5 Tips to Better Communicate with Your ADHD Partner
1. Understand ADHD
The first step to being able to communicate with your partner is to understand what they have. There is a lot of misinformation and misconceptions about what living with ADHD is like. So, one of the first steps is researching how ADHD impacts somebody’s life.
By doing the proper research, you’ll be able to recognize the signs of ADHD in your partner that you may not have realized was due to the condition.
2. Focus On What They Are Saying
While they are talking, ensure that you aren’t distracted. That means putting away your phone or turning off the TV while in the middle of a conversation.
Being easily distracted is something that many, if not all, ADHDers struggle with. There’s a good chance that when you are talking together, they already have trouble focusing on the conversation. Showing them you are committed to paying attention during these times can also help them focus.
3. Don’t Take Things Too Personally
Someone who has ADHD is often impulsive. Often, they do or say things without thinking first. There’s nothing wrong with that in a lot of situations. However, this can often lead to disagreements when communicating.
How often have you heard your partner with ADHD say something that seems mean, condescending, or hurtful toward you? We can’t speak for all cases, but in many, this is often unintentional. Impulse control refers not just to behaviors but to words as well.
We all say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret, and someone with ADHD will often “go there” without even realizing it. Blurting things out that are on their mind is something that people with ADHD may do. So, when communicating with them, keep this in mind.
4. Accept Your Differences In Communication
We all have different communication styles. Often, these communication styles stem from early childhood relationships that we were influenced by. Keep in mind that no one actively chooses to communicate or react in the ways that they do. Rather, it is a learned behavior.
Learned behaviors can be retaught, but it won’t happen overnight. Instead of trying to change each other outright, couples should try to accept their differences and then learn to compromise to reach common middle ground. This is especially important for those who have ADHD because they likely already feel frustrated by this condition as it is. You should never make your partner feel worse about something they can’t control.
5. Try Counseling
It’s commonplace to blame communication issues on one set thing instead of looking at the bigger picture. The truth is, while ADHD can influence communication styles, there is often more to it than just that.
If there is a breakdown in communication between you and your partner, ADHD may influence it, but that doesn’t mean it’s the cause. Working with a counselor can help you learn the root cause of your problems and then work together.
Reach out to learn more about how couples therapy can help improve your communication with your ADHD partner.
Relationship Burnout: What It Is & How To Overcome It – 3-1
When we hear the word burnout, we often think about work and life. We feel burned out from our stressful jobs, busy schedules after work, and everything in between. The stress and exhaustion come from just trying to stay afloat and balanced.
Many people haven’t heard of burnout in terms of our relationships. However, it’s a concept that many will be familiar with. In fact, at some point, many relationships will experience burnout. Even though relationship burnout comes with many challenges, the good news is that it can be overcome.
What Is Relationship Burnout?
Relationship burnout refers to the chronic stress that occurs between two people. This stress often places a shadow on the couple, causing more tension and conflict.
Signs of Relationship Burnout
There are many different signs of relationship burnout that a couple can experience. Burnout is often felt, but neither partner always realizes it is occurring.
1. Constant Fighting
A telltale sign of relationship burnout is if a couple constantly argues. While all couples will fight, there comes a point when it is considered unhealthy. Whereas in the past, conflict was quickly resolved and moved on from, it might seem that now conflict creates more distance between you.
2. Feeling Disconnected
If you aren’t spending as much time together, or when you do, there’s no emotional intimacy, it might be a sign of relationship burnout. Feeling disconnected from our partners will inevitably happen. However, when these feelings of disconnection continue, it can point to a larger issue at play.
3. Are You More Critical of Each Other?
Does it seem as if you are constantly correcting each other? Or, no matter what you try, it just isn’t enough for them? Maybe you are making small jabs at each other or saying disrespectful things in the heat of the moment. These negative comments are often a manifestation of relationship burnout trying to come to the surface.
4. Shutting Each Other Out
Another classic sign of relationship burnout is completely icing each other out. At some point, all the arguing, conflict, and tension between you two comes to an ugly peak. Inevitably, someone will often break down and completely withdraw from their partner. They no longer want to try to deal with the tension and stress that comes from the relationship. When this occurs, it’s the mind’s way of saying, “This is enough, and something needs to change.” Unfortunately, going about how to change this isn’t that clear, so it can be “easier” to just shut each other out for the time being.
Can You Recover From Relationship Burnout?
Absolutely. Relationship burnout will inevitably happen, but that doesn’t mean you must stay stuck in that maladaptive cycle.
Talk to your partner. Start with the basics when you are stuck in a cycle of not understanding each other. What are the needs and wants of your relationship together? What do you need your partner to do to feel seen, heard, safe, and loved? While it’s uncomfortable to talk about our relationships, it’s a necessary step to fostering a stronger connection with each other.
When you talk to your partner, use “I” statements. These statements should describe how you feel about a situation and are not to place blame or criticism on your partner. “I feel as if you don’t listen to me when I am talking to you.” vs. “You never listen to what I have to say!” are two similar statements, but their meaning differs.
Spend quality time with each other again. Life gets busy, and we feel burned out from that alone. However, we must commit to spending quality time with our partners. Go out on a date, or have a date night-in. Even spending 20 minutes in the evening just talking can help you strengthen your connection.
Relationship burnout can happen for many reasons, but it can be overcome with commitment from both people to turn things around. If you recognize signs of burnout in your relationship, don’t hesitate to learn more about couples therapy.
How to Be More Intimate with Your Partner
When most people hear the word intimacy, their mind first goes to the physical aspects of a relationship. While physical intimacy is important in a relationship, there are more ways to be intimate with your partner than just that.
Maybe things haven’t felt right for a while in your relationship. You might feel distant from your spouse or partner as if you aren’t connecting meaningfully. Or, there may have been a situation resulting in a loss of trust, and now you can’t find common ground again.
Whatever the reasoning, loss of intimacy in a relationship is normal. While it’s challenging, many couples will notice an ebb and flow to their relationship and overall health. However, that does not mean there aren’t ways to let yourself be intimate with your partner.
What Is Intimacy?
First, let’s define the different types of intimacy in a relationship. A couple will have two main areas of intimacy — physical and emotional. Physical intimacy, of course, can refer to things like sex, hugging, kissing, or even something as simple as holding hands.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as those things, however. It includes the connection you feel with another person, how well you relate to them, and the amount of trust, understanding, and honesty within a relationship.
How to Increase Intimacy In A Relationship
Change Things Up
There likely isn’t a couple who hasn’t fallen into the same cycle with their partner. Over time, you stick to the same routine that you are used to. You go to the same places for date night, cook the same things for dinner, or spend your time together in the same ways.
Don’t be afraid to shake things up. Are routines comfortable and safe? You know what to expect, and humans like to know that. But don’t feel shy about changing things up, whether in the bedroom or in general. Try new activities or hobbies together that might seem interesting. Try that new restaurant in town that you typically wouldn’t think about going to.
In many ways, doing something new with your partner can help you feel the spark again. They do say, after all, to never stop dating your partner.
Show Each Other Gratitude
At the beginning of your relationship, you likely spent plenty of time appreciating your partner. Over time, many couples will slowly stop showing their appreciation for each other. It’s not that they don’t; you just tend to forget to. You may know you appreciate them, but do you think they know that?
Remind each other of your appreciation. Thank each other for the little things, like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher. Thank them for cooking dinner or doing something for you that took time out of their day.
Doing these little things can go a long way in bringing back intimacy into your lives.
Communicate With Each Other
This may seem like a given, but it often is not that easy. It’s not uncommon for one partner to assume that the other knows how they feel. Or that they know their thought process or reasoning behind a certain action. You should never make assumptions that your partner will automatically know something. That is why communication is vital, whether you have been together for 2 years or 22.
Be sure that you treat one another with respect when communicating. Yes, there are going to be disagreements. There will be times when you honestly can’t stand to be in the same room as them. However, remember this is the person you are choosing to be with.
Treating each other with respect, openly communicating, and being honest with each other can help you feel more connected at the end of the day.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to learn more about couples therapy. You can get to the root cause of what is happening in your relationship to cause a lack of intimacy and, most importantly, find ways to repair it.
Let’s Talk Betrayal
As you already know, I am a couple’s counselor and I’ve seen such a shift in what the word betrayal means and how trust breaks down. It’s become a passion of mine to help couples understand that:
- You can repair your relationship after a betrayal and
- Breaking trust is breaking trust.
Your relationship defines what that means so if you feel as if you have been betrayed then guess what? You are correct!
Let’s break down some areas of betrayal that most people think are okay but in reality they aren’t.
- Porn – This one is okay as long as your partner knows what you are doing and doesn’t feel neglected because of you watching porn. If it is a secret then you are breaking trust by not sharing and um…. Why does it need to be a secret anyways?
- Social Media – This again can be innocent or not depending on how you are viewing things. If you are liking posts that your partner wouldn’t necessarily want you liking, yep that’s NOT okay. If you’re posting pictures of your family, your trips, etc yep that’s okay.
- Money – Yep, if i hear someone say that oh I bought something but have to hide it from my partner, the trust is broken. Don’t hide, just say it loud and clear!
- Friendships – If you have to hide your friendship for any reason, then there might be something that is going to happen. Better be open about who you are talking with and how often you are talking to them.
The gist of these things is that when you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then you are potentially breaking trust. Just learn to share even if it is hard. If you feel that you’re doing something that will hurt your partner if they find out and that is the reason you are not sharing, well then you will eventually hurt your partner anyways.
Trust = Communication
– I can’t say that loud enough, so I will say it again
Trust = Communication
Let’s not have any misconception of values and intentions. Be open and honest and then we don’t have to worry about small betrayals leading to breaking trust.
It’s time to start over!
How are you? I’m getting ready for fall and I know when Halloween comes, the end of the year will be here in a snap.
Whether you celebrate the Jewish holidays or not, I would like to say Happy New Year. If you know what I’m talking about, have you figured out what you want to bring into the New Year and what you want to leave out?
For those that don’t know about the Jewish Holidays, let me explain how Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur work.
Basically, you get a reset button on all the “not so good” stuff you did last year. For one day, Yom Kippur, you fast and then all of your mistakes are forgiven. Sounds good, right?
Well, if only it was that easy to forgive your partner, right?
What if it is?
What if one day you decide to look for the good in your partner instead of the bad? What if you’re only going to remind yourself about why you fell in love with your partner today and everyday!
Wondering how? Try these.
I appreciate-
Everyday for a week, sit down and say 5 things you appreciate about your partner and then listen to them say it to you.
Stress reducing conversations–
After you say what you appreciate, talk about something that is bothering you and have your partner listen and then switch sides.
Rituals of connection–
How are you doing on your rituals? If you aren’t doing them anymore, how about starting them up again.
Love maps–
How well do you know each other’s world? Sit down and talk about your love maps and see how well you know each other.
Okay, all fixed?
Of course not. There’s going to have to be a mindset switch from negative to positive. Are you getting your needs met by your partner? If not, talk to them and figure out what needs to change. Yes, you’re both great parents, children, aunts and uncles but what about just focusing on being a great partner!
I’m going to use this time to make some changes for the positive and I hope you do as well!
Looking forward to hearing about the changes you decided to make!
Table for one, please
Happy summer to you. I hope you’re doing well. This topic was on my mind since my children are in camp and I have some time to myself without the hassle and bustle of school.
What does it mean to be in a relationship but still yourself?
I get when people say, yeah, when they’re with me, they’re my partner, but not with me, they act as if they’re single.
Nope, that’s NOT okay in my book, is it okay in your book?
What do you do if you want to make changes in your relationship but your partner is a hard NO WAY to counseling. This is couples counseling for one!
First, let’s break down some of the reasons your partner doesn’t want to come to counseling.
- Counseling is scary- Anyone that has been in my room knows counseling is NOT scary, it’s real for sure. Especially with me because there’s no sugar coating things, but your relationship can be scary at times as well.
- I’m content and happy- This might be completely true. Your partner might not have anything to work on and you want them to come to counseling to work on things. This can also go back to the scary part.
- Busy, busy, busy- Yep, this is real and you are busy and you need to find some time to work on your stuff. Travel, children, work, life, etc all take up time. Hint hint, your relationship does as well!
Okay, these are just a few reasons someone might not want to come to couples counseling. Do you see anywhere on that list that your partner doesn’t love you? Nope, just because your partner isn’t ready to go to counseling with you doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they’re not ready.
What does all this mean for you?
Of course you can come to counseling by yourself! We can work on your relationship if your partner is not in the room, will just be us working on things for you to bring home to your partner. Can you grow together if only one of you is working? Yep, you can! And I’d like to challenge you to come in, see how it works and realize that there’s hope.
If you’re thinking about counseling, you love counseling but your partner doesn’t, then couples counseling for one is perfect for you.
Spread the word
Let everyone know that you can go to counseling by yourself even if you’re in a relationship just like you can go to eat by yourself and proudly say, “Table for one.”
I just updated my counsleing for one page and here’s the link https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/therapy-services/marriage-therapy/counseling-for-one/
I look forward to hearing what you think about couples counseling for one!
Can I Help You?
Hi
Happy summering from me to you! Are you enjoying the rain storms or waiting until autumn? I’ve lived in Florida for my entire life and I’m finding the weather to be more and more unpredictable than ever before. I used to play and then for an hour it would rain, then play some more. Now, it’s raining all day or looking like it’s going to rain.
I’m a creature of habit and of course I try to mix things up a bit in my life now and again. One thing I try to be consistent on is my belief that anyone that wants to work on their relationship can and should whether it’s with me or not. So, when someone comes to me and I have the first session, I say the same thing over and over again which is, “I have the tools to help you, you’re going to have to have the willingness to accept help.” I get a lot of “okay, sounds good” and for the most part it works. I help people or they decide that they don’t want help. I really try to think about how I can help everyone that wants help and I’ve come up with a few ideas on what I have seen work and what doesn’t work.
WHAT WORKS
- Consistency- Making your relationship a priority is the way to make it work. When people come to me, their relationship is usually on the back burner. To make this work, you need to commit to a certain time frame and put your relationship first. When you don’t it doesn’t work.
- The relationship is right- I meet a lot of really great people and they have a really great idea. When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to hear and understand your partner’s point. If you cannot do that, then this relationship will always be tipped in one direction. Remember the relationship is right.
- You’ve worked through your past- If you’re getting upset with your partner about things that previous partners did, then you haven’t successfully worked through your past yet and you need to do that, or at least acknowledge it.
- Emotions are okay- If you’re going to be in a relationship, at some point you’ll need to lean on your partner for something or else that’s not really a partner. Talking about emotions is okay and necessary to work on building trust in your relationship.
NOPE, NO WAY, THIS DOESN’T WORK
- Secrets- Nope, these don’t work in a relationship. If you have them, you’re betraying your partner in some way. Keeping things from your partner doesn’t help them.
- Getting stuck- If you’re stuck on the same problem week after week, it’s hard to get unstuck. Remember, the relationship is right, not the individual.
- Overloaded- Not sure why we do this, but when we get overloaded we tend to take things out on the ones we love. As a couple, you get the added bonus of a partner to help you out. If you’re overloaded, that’s not going to work.
- Addictions/non-med compliant- It is really hard to love someone and watch them love something more than you and you can’t help it. In order to be in a relationship with anyone else, you need to be okay with who you are first. If you’re addicted to anything or not taking medications the way you should, it’s time to work on yourself first, relationship second.
There’s lots of reasons counseling works and equally lots of reasons it doesn’t. I can only help if you want to be helped. Some people do, I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful. Some people don’t and still stay together. And some people break-up. What you get from your counseling experience is up to you.
Remember, I have the skills to help you, but I can’t force you to accept my help.
Let me know if I’ve helped or not helped and what you’d like to be different. I’m always open to feedback and can’t wait to hear from you!