11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Tag Archives: counseling
Table for one, please
Happy summer to you. I hope you’re doing well. This topic was on my mind since my children are in camp and I have some time to myself without the hassle and bustle of school.
What does it mean to be in a relationship but still yourself?
I get when people say, yeah, when they’re with me, they’re my partner, but not with me, they act as if they’re single.
Nope, that’s NOT okay in my book, is it okay in your book?
What do you do if you want to make changes in your relationship but your partner is a hard NO WAY to counseling. This is couples counseling for one!
First, let’s break down some of the reasons your partner doesn’t want to come to counseling.
- Counseling is scary- Anyone that has been in my room knows counseling is NOT scary, it’s real for sure. Especially with me because there’s no sugar coating things, but your relationship can be scary at times as well.
- I’m content and happy- This might be completely true. Your partner might not have anything to work on and you want them to come to counseling to work on things. This can also go back to the scary part.
- Busy, busy, busy- Yep, this is real and you are busy and you need to find some time to work on your stuff. Travel, children, work, life, etc all take up time. Hint hint, your relationship does as well!
Okay, these are just a few reasons someone might not want to come to couples counseling. Do you see anywhere on that list that your partner doesn’t love you? Nope, just because your partner isn’t ready to go to counseling with you doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they’re not ready.
What does all this mean for you?
Of course you can come to counseling by yourself! We can work on your relationship if your partner is not in the room, will just be us working on things for you to bring home to your partner. Can you grow together if only one of you is working? Yep, you can! And I’d like to challenge you to come in, see how it works and realize that there’s hope.
If you’re thinking about counseling, you love counseling but your partner doesn’t, then couples counseling for one is perfect for you.
Spread the word
Let everyone know that you can go to counseling by yourself even if you’re in a relationship just like you can go to eat by yourself and proudly say, “Table for one.”
I just updated my counsleing for one page and here’s the link https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/therapy-services/marriage-therapy/counseling-for-one/
I look forward to hearing what you think about couples counseling for one!
Can I Help You?
Hi
Happy summering from me to you! Are you enjoying the rain storms or waiting until autumn? I’ve lived in Florida for my entire life and I’m finding the weather to be more and more unpredictable than ever before. I used to play and then for an hour it would rain, then play some more. Now, it’s raining all day or looking like it’s going to rain.
I’m a creature of habit and of course I try to mix things up a bit in my life now and again. One thing I try to be consistent on is my belief that anyone that wants to work on their relationship can and should whether it’s with me or not. So, when someone comes to me and I have the first session, I say the same thing over and over again which is, “I have the tools to help you, you’re going to have to have the willingness to accept help.” I get a lot of “okay, sounds good” and for the most part it works. I help people or they decide that they don’t want help. I really try to think about how I can help everyone that wants help and I’ve come up with a few ideas on what I have seen work and what doesn’t work.
WHAT WORKS
- Consistency- Making your relationship a priority is the way to make it work. When people come to me, their relationship is usually on the back burner. To make this work, you need to commit to a certain time frame and put your relationship first. When you don’t it doesn’t work.
- The relationship is right- I meet a lot of really great people and they have a really great idea. When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to hear and understand your partner’s point. If you cannot do that, then this relationship will always be tipped in one direction. Remember the relationship is right.
- You’ve worked through your past- If you’re getting upset with your partner about things that previous partners did, then you haven’t successfully worked through your past yet and you need to do that, or at least acknowledge it.
- Emotions are okay- If you’re going to be in a relationship, at some point you’ll need to lean on your partner for something or else that’s not really a partner. Talking about emotions is okay and necessary to work on building trust in your relationship.
NOPE, NO WAY, THIS DOESN’T WORK
- Secrets- Nope, these don’t work in a relationship. If you have them, you’re betraying your partner in some way. Keeping things from your partner doesn’t help them.
- Getting stuck- If you’re stuck on the same problem week after week, it’s hard to get unstuck. Remember, the relationship is right, not the individual.
- Overloaded- Not sure why we do this, but when we get overloaded we tend to take things out on the ones we love. As a couple, you get the added bonus of a partner to help you out. If you’re overloaded, that’s not going to work.
- Addictions/non-med compliant- It is really hard to love someone and watch them love something more than you and you can’t help it. In order to be in a relationship with anyone else, you need to be okay with who you are first. If you’re addicted to anything or not taking medications the way you should, it’s time to work on yourself first, relationship second.
There’s lots of reasons counseling works and equally lots of reasons it doesn’t. I can only help if you want to be helped. Some people do, I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful. Some people don’t and still stay together. And some people break-up. What you get from your counseling experience is up to you.
Remember, I have the skills to help you, but I can’t force you to accept my help.
Let me know if I’ve helped or not helped and what you’d like to be different. I’m always open to feedback and can’t wait to hear from you!
How Do You Focus on the Big Picture?
So, how did you two first meet?
When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?” This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk. How do we focus on the big picture?
I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.
My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.
So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning? Here are some tips.
1. Relook at your wedding album
These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.
2. Ask your partner out on dates
It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!
3. Do your rituals of connection
If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.
4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting
Again I talk about this one quite a lot. Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.
5. Share alone time with friends/families
Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other. Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!
Wrapping Up
All of these are about create intimacy between you both. It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash? It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal. Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.
Do you want to start your Second Marriage?
I work with couples
I work with couples, as you all know by now. When I meet my wonderful clients, I meet them at a time in there lives when things could be better. Well, that was a nice way to say it. Typically, people only reach out for help when things are really bad. I would love to change that and have people reach out to me when things are good, but that’s for another blog.
When I meet with people, especially the ones that go through affair recovery, (yes, you can recover from an affair) I use the term “second marriage“, or “second relationship” for those not married.
What is a Second Marriage?
I use the Gottman Method with my couples. Especially when going through an affair it’s hard to give up everything about your relationship. I know most people believe it’s a deal breaker but that is before it happens to you and then you’re in a state of shock and you have history together.
What do you do? Throw it all away? Discard all of the good times because of the bad? If you are coming to me for help, you know that I tell people that they’re much stronger after the affair recovery because it takes a lot of guts and sweat to get through it, for both partners. For the accused it takes guts to talk about the affair and for the innocent, to hear about it. It’s painstaking no matter which way you look at it and that’s where the second relationship comes in. It’s called the Second Marriage.
How does it work?
We use the sound relationship house as a guide to repair the relationship. We realize through this repair that you don’t want to go back to the old ways. Whether you didn’t communicate enough or lost intimacy or passion, there were things missing that led you to my office and into this new marriage… things will be different!
You get to decide to say how you feel, understand that being hurt is okay and can make you stronger and how to lean on your partner instead of turning away. This second marriage is the one you used to have, or maybe never did, but it is the one that you leave my office with.
It’s not just for affairs
If you are struggling with your partner and would like a chance at your second marriage, let’s talk and figure out what that means to you. Let’s figure out how we can get you to your happy!
Can you recover from an affair?
When clients come to my office, I get tears, anger and this question “Can we recover from this?” My answer? Yes! Yes you can but it’s not going to be easy and there’s a lot of work that needs to be done. Here’s the checklist that I tell my clients.Read More
Why do people have affairs?
So, here’s the story you hear all the time. Two people meet, the attraction is so intense that they cannot keep away from each other and they have an affair, they cheat. Okay, flash to reality and anyone that’s been involved in an affair knows that isn’t really how it happens.
Here’s a more likely story that you might relate to.Read More
Can Relationship Counseling Work with Just One Person?
I cannot tell you how many times, I either get a call or see someone in person and the first thing they say to me is, “I have wanted to come for awhile but my partner would not come so I got tired of waiting and came myself.” My answer is always, good for you and I can honestly say that coming for yourself will help you improve yourself and your relationship. Do you believe me? Let’s look at the reasons
1. The ripple effect: I explain this effect a lot and it was introduced to me early in my schooling when you drop a rock into the water and it skims on the surface it creates a ripple. The same thing happens when you start to make changes within yourself, you and those around you will benefit from those changes, sometimes for the better and sometimes it works the opposite way and you realize you are not happy and end things. Regardless, change occurs.
2. Your partner is always present: The goal in couple’s therapy is to stay neutral and listen to both sides equally and give sound advice. Its harder to do with one person but doable. Any of my clients can tell you that I side with the one that makes the most sense but in a couple both sides are right and a compromise is always obtainable with the right way to look at a situation.
3. Adding your partner later: This one has to do with the first two and usual happens if the person in therapy is making positive changes and the other partner wants to come and work. At least one person should be in the therapy room and be working on the relationship.
Coming to therapy is a hard, long decision that most people do not make lightly. When you are angry, you want change but you are unsure how to go about it. Therapy can help untangle things and work-out what needs to really be worked on. Trust me it works whether it’s with one person or two. Just make the call and try and see where it leads you!
Relationship Seminar
On Wednesday evening, I had the opportunity to put on relationship seminar for some people in my community. Please enjoy the recorded video below.
Dr. Jennifer Lagrotte, DMFT, LMFT, LMHC is a family therapist in Coral Springs Florida, has been in practice since 2004 and a pioneer in online therapy solutions. With offices centrally located in Coral Springs Florida, she offers webcam and other convenient, online options in addition to conventional office visits. She specializes in families, couples and parental issues.
Once a month, Dr. Lagrotte will be holding therapy seminars at Congregation Kol Tikvah in Parkland, Florida and is free for all who attend. In addition, she will be publishing recordings of the seminars on her website in the seminars section at facetofacetherapy.com/seminars/
My thoughts on therapy
So this is my first blog since my first daughter was born 3 ½ years ago, yes I have been a busy girl since then. Had another daughter who is 14 months now and have been loving raising them. As I get back into the work area, I am wondering what therapy means to me and hence what it means to others.
I think therapy is important! To be able to go somewhere, work on yourself and improve your life and those around you is what it is all about. I have heard some horrible stories about people going to therapy and being disappointed and my answer to that is you haven’t found the right person to talk to yet. I get asked all the time what is the difference between going to therapy and talking to friends. My answer is that friends give advice and therapists’ make you come up with your own answers. That is at least what I believe to be true.
One of the first things I learned in my master’s program is that therapy is mostly about joining with your clients and I firmly believe in this. When you have a great relationship with your therapist you can feel comfortable talking about anything and it will still be okay. It is okay to get upset, cry or even laugh when you are with your therapist because showing emotion is the quickest way to solve your issues.
So how do you keep professional boundaries with your clients if you are joining with them and they are sharing the most intimate details of their lives with you? I believe it is the therapist’s job to maintain the boundaries and if clients want to blur those boundaries then a discussion needs to happen to make things clear again. We as therapists’ owe it to our clients to be professional and in that respect to help our clients without blurring the lines of our relationship.
I enjoy being a therapist and helping people. It took me a few years after college to figure out this is what I wanted to do, but once I did, I realized this is what I was made to do. I do not consider it work and I love talking to people and helping them.
I am hoping that I can create an enjoyable experience on this blog so if you have any questions or comments please feel free to leave them. As well as if you have any ideas on future blogs I would be happy to hear those ideas!