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Tag Archives: connection
Workin’ for a livin’
Hope you’re well. We’re quickly approaching summer! Not sure about you, but it’s been super busy around here and I’m looking forward to the slower pace over the summer. We’ve had a lot of travel for work lately. My husband has had 3 business trips in the last 2 months and yes, I went to a Gottman Level 3 refresher course to get even more knowledge to help all of my couples!
That’s a lot of long distance time. I’ve been in a long distance relationship in the past and they are a struggle.
How do you manage when one or both of you is traveling for work?
Do you do the same rituals of connection that you do when you’re both home? It is easier or harder for you to stay connected?
For us, it’s much easier to stay connected when we’re both in the same house and staying connected has been a work in progress, but I can say that we have nailed it! I wanted to share some tidbits on what I believe works.
What’s Working
- Rituals of connections: Yes, it’s even more important to discuss about your day and work on those rituals while you’re away. Now is a good time to create new rituals to help you throughout the day to stay connected.
- Talk/FaceTime everyday: In the past it seemed more important for my husband to FaceTime with our children than with me. We lumped our talks together. Recently, we realized that talking to the kids was one thing, us chatting was another. Take some time and chat everyday. Even it is for a few minutes. But try to separate kid time and couples time if you can.
- Nighttime: Say goodnight to each other even if it’s through text or email. End the day and start the day with something to connect you. I know these are rituals but they’re the ones that I think are the most important.
- Expectations: Before the trip, talk about your and your partner’s expectations about what the distance means to both of you. Understand that your needs are coming from a place of love, not so much of the place of nagging. If knowing your partner is safe when they land, let them know. If knowing if your partner is back in their hotel room, let them know.
- Talk it out: If something is bothering you, figure out a good way to express it and talk it out. Waiting for your partner to return will only lead to the build up and who wants that!
- Love languages: Do you know what your love languages are? If you do, let’s make sure both of them are being honored while you’re apart from each other.
I thought I’ do the good and the bad
Yea, but I changed my mind. Let’s just focus on what you can do to stay connected if one of you are away. Remember how you stay connected when you’re at home and find something similar or create something completely new when you’re apart. Don’t wait until your partner gets home to unload on them. Stay connected and remember that your mental loads are both high. If you’re home, you’re taking care of everything here, if you’re away, you’re missing home and trying your best to do the best job you can do while you’re away.
And then come back together
Make sure you reconnect instead of just going about your business as usual. Enjoy this time apart and who knows, you can use it to flirt, connect and just have fun together!!
Happy traveling!!
Ps. If you have something else that works while your traveling, please share it with us so we can all learn from you!
Until next time!
PPS. if you don’t know your love languages and you want to take a quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Priorities, Priorities and More Priorities
Who’s busy today? It’s Tuesday, not Monday, but it seems as each day of the week is busier than the next. I know that for me, the weekdays are easier than the weekends because there’s a better schedule for me, but still, craziness at all levels.
So how do you find time to have a great relationship? What does that even mean?
As a couples therapist, I have heard this phrase a lot, “We just don’t have the time to spend together.” Or, yeah, we travel, but our children/child is always with us. How are we supposed to do things alone when we have so many other obligations?
Umm, anyone that knows me will know what I am about to say!
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
I know what you are going to say about this? Well, how about “me” time? Or who will get the kids to their activities, etc etc. The list can go on and on with reasons that you can’t spend time together, but let me make this very clear by saying it again.
MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP YOUR TOP PRIORITY
There are a lot of excuses that you can make for not working on your relationship, but remember that if you don’t work on your relationship, it won’t just keep working.
Here’s some things you can do in our fast crazy world to make time for each other!
- Dates – C’mon, you can do this! At home, during the day, at night, on the weekends. Just do it!
- Rituals of Connections – Here’s the whole list of rituals of connection. Just pick a few and do them.
- Technology freeze – Put down those devices and just talk to each other, read together, listen to music together, take a bath together!
- Sneaky stuff – Act like you love each other. Kiss, hug and do romantic gestures when each other is least expecting it!!
- Talk it out – If your mad at each other, remember that you both love each other and you are both right! Talk it out and remember the good stuff!
I know, it’s hard to do
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. If you want something to work, please remember that you need to put effort into it. Not only when things are bad. Put the effort in when things are good so they can stay that way!!
Can’t wait to hear how you prioritize your relationship!!
How much should you work on your relationship for it to work?
This is the biggest question I get asked when couples come to see me. How much should I work on my relationship? The bigger question that comes from this is “how do I work on my relationship?”
Where Do I Start?
When I meet people, they’re usually not in a good place in their relationship, because realistically who comes to therapy when they’re happy? I get to ask and work on relationships when they’re angry at each other. Once we get working and we get things a bit better, I send them off to work on things on their own.
So, how many people continue to work on their relationship after therapy is over? I would like to think everyone but that’s not true. For the most part, I don’t often see people again because I give them the skills to communication and the tools to resolve conflict.
Back to the Question
Back to the question at hand, how much should you work on your relationship? I would say at least 5 hours a week. Let’s spell it out.
- Find a time to date. Yes. ask your partner out on a date and switch it up each week. If the kids are in school, go for a lunch date. If they’re not, try to get a babysitter once a week.
- Have a conversation about each other. Listen to your partner with emphatic ears and return the favor. Don’t try to solve any problems, simply listen to each other every night. This is called The Stress Reducing Conversation.
- Have rituals of connections where you greet each other and say goodbye. Do this every day and if you forget, try again the next day.
- Come up with conversations that don’t have anything to do with the house, kids, jobs or extended family. Date talk!
- Most importantly, put those phones down and look at each other. For an hour a week or even more, declare your relationship technology free and enjoy each other’s company!
It’s really that Simple?
Yes, it is that simple and no, it isn’t that complicated. When you feel connected, you are are more open to overlook the small stuff such as leaving shoes out or forgetting to take out the trash. Staying connected emotionally and physically is so important to your relationship, and yes, you do need to actively make the time to do it, and yes, it is only 5 hours a week. Enjoy each other and remember that you love each other and want to talk to each other.
Tell me how you reconnect each week? Leave a comment below!