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Tag Archives: communication
When is a good time to tell your partner “I told you so?”
Okay, true story that happened today and I had to reflect on it and then share it with all of you. So, my husband reached out to me for emotional support about something that happened at work and he was feeling bad about it. I had to think about what I was going to say to him, to not make him feel any worse and try to boost him up. Read More
Why do people have affairs?
So, here’s the story you hear all the time. Two people meet, the attraction is so intense that they cannot keep away from each other and they have an affair, they cheat. Okay, flash to reality and anyone that’s been involved in an affair knows that isn’t really how it happens.
Here’s a more likely story that you might relate to.Read More
Patience
The beginning of school is always a time of rushing, getting things ready and adjusting to a new routine. For me, as I’m sure for a lot of you, it’s also a time for holding on to your patience as well as your sanity! I have 2 girls in school now, yes I made it. My youngest just started Kindergarden and I am finally at that stage where I have my days to myself! Ah, if only it was that easy!Read More
Ignorance is for those that do not ask questions
I was talking to a friend about another friend’s son who just found out he has Type 1 diabetes. As a mother, friend and person my heart went out to this family but that as far as it could go because I do not know the day-to-day trials about how to teach a 5-year-old how to check his sugar levels and readjust his eating. So what did I do you ask? I asked questions and found out from another person what it is like to have to check your sugar levels everyday and to adjust to a new way of life. If I did not ask these questions, I felt I would have been ignorant to the situation and was not comfortable with that. I believe the two hardest things any person has to learn is how to say your sorry and really mean it and learn how to ask questions when you do not understand something.
I was also talking to an older lady this morning and she was telling me about herself and her life. She brought up the fact that she was racist and did not like black people. Her reason was that she was raised this way and that was her generation. The reason it came up was because we were discussing doctors and she was seeing a “light skin” black doctor.
Ignorance is everywhere and the way to overcome it is to ask questions, learn new things and to try to accept things into your life. This way of life is how you choose to live it, not how someone told you to live it.
Let’s make changes today and ask somebody that you do not know a question and learn something new today. Let’s get rid of ignorance once and for all!
Can Relationship Counseling Work with Just One Person?
I cannot tell you how many times, I either get a call or see someone in person and the first thing they say to me is, “I have wanted to come for awhile but my partner would not come so I got tired of waiting and came myself.” My answer is always, good for you and I can honestly say that coming for yourself will help you improve yourself and your relationship. Do you believe me? Let’s look at the reasons
1. The ripple effect: I explain this effect a lot and it was introduced to me early in my schooling when you drop a rock into the water and it skims on the surface it creates a ripple. The same thing happens when you start to make changes within yourself, you and those around you will benefit from those changes, sometimes for the better and sometimes it works the opposite way and you realize you are not happy and end things. Regardless, change occurs.
2. Your partner is always present: The goal in couple’s therapy is to stay neutral and listen to both sides equally and give sound advice. Its harder to do with one person but doable. Any of my clients can tell you that I side with the one that makes the most sense but in a couple both sides are right and a compromise is always obtainable with the right way to look at a situation.
3. Adding your partner later: This one has to do with the first two and usual happens if the person in therapy is making positive changes and the other partner wants to come and work. At least one person should be in the therapy room and be working on the relationship.
Coming to therapy is a hard, long decision that most people do not make lightly. When you are angry, you want change but you are unsure how to go about it. Therapy can help untangle things and work-out what needs to really be worked on. Trust me it works whether it’s with one person or two. Just make the call and try and see where it leads you!
The 5 1/2 hour a week fix to your relationship!
How much time do you think you should spend on your relationship each week? The Gottman Method for Couple’s therapy has come up with a concept called The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week. What does this mean to you and me as people in relationships with busy lives and work, children and external stressors getting in the way of spending time together? It means that this is how much time you should spend on your relationship each week in order to keep your relationship working. Here is how to do it!
Parting: Don’t part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner’s day, and kiss for a minimum of six seconds. Two minutes a day x 5 working days. Total 10 minutes
Reunions: The six second kiss. The stress reducing conversation. Each partner take 10 minutes to talk about your day. Partner does active listening. Give support. Rule: Understanding must precede advice. Twenty minutes a day x five days. Total 1 hour and 40 minutes.
Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation for your partner. Five minutes a day x seven days. Total: 35 minutes
Affection: Kiss, hold, grab, touch each other. Play is good. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep, and what ever else you think of. Five minutes a day x seven days Total 35 minutes
Love Maps: Update your love maps (means to know each other and what is going on in your life). Turn towards each other. Go out on a relationship day for at least 2 hours once a week. Think of great questions to ask your partner while on your date or just in general. Total: At least 2 hours.
Aftermath of a fight. This is a technique used in the Gottman Method therapy to resolve conflict and make sure both sides are heard. The speaker talks about their feelings, tells their story and the listener responds with understanding of what the listener is saying. Then you switch roles. This is a great exercise to use after a fight to understand both partners feelings. Total: Thirty minutes once a week.
To start out this might seem as if it is a lot of work and hard to do but try to incorporate what you can slowly and work on adding the full five and one-half hours to your week to stay connected, talk about feelings instead of problem solve, and learn how to express emotions.
If you have any further questions about this, please do not hesitate to ask.
Communication is the Key
If you have ever been in my therapy office, you would have heard me say these words…
“If you are thinking about it, then say it!”
Communication is so important in a relationship and the only way the relationship moves forward. I have had couples come to me and say that the true meaning of love is being able to finish each other’s sentences. I tell them that leads to assumptions and fights!
I think we have all been out to dinner and see couples who just do not talk and when things are good, you joke with each other that will never happen to us! Well, fast forward a few years with life, stress, family and all the other things that can come into your life you are now that couple that has nothing to say to each other. What do you do?
My clients will tell you that I am constantly giving them tips on how to communicate to avoid a fight and here is a communication exercise that I gave to a couple recently and I thought I would share it with all of you.
How do you start talking when all you have been doing is fighting and talking about kids, house, etc? I call this the communication game. You and your partner pick different topics to talk about each night. Some of the ones we came up with are:
- Humor
- Family
- Goals
- Intimacy
- Emotions
- Listening
- Board game night
These are just examples on how you can start communicating again. Try doing this for 15 minutes each night. If you need to add a fight night, then do so, if you need to add 2 fight nights then that’s okay as well. The trick is to get talking and reconnecting as a couple.
As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated!
Shared parenting and stop asking for help!
Okay, I have been hearing a lot about parenting lately and one parent always saying to me, “He doesn’t help” I am using the female/male voice in this post because it is easier and of course there are tons of dads out there that the situation is reveresed. So, how do we start the process of shared parenting?
Let’s stop asking for help and let’s decide roles together. Both of you are working whether it is outside of the house or at home, there are always things to do and it gets tiring to always ask someone for help. I know that my partner will do anything I ask, but I do not want that, I want it to be equal and just automatic. In saying this, I realize that I need to change the way I think and move on to more co-parenting and not primary parenting. When two parents are involved, it is easy for one parent to do most of the day to day stuff and the other to come in and “help”. Let us say that the secondary parent needs to find ways to stay involved without asking the primary parent if they need any help. I would like the word help to be eliminated from each and every household and for everyone to have a family plan as my previous post talked about. I want both of you to work together to figure out which parenting/household skill your good at and work on those skills and check in with each other to make sure both are happy and satified.
The trick is to give your partner space to do things his/her way. You did not marry yourself and you cannot expect your parnter to do things the way you do them. If you want to go out one night, let your partner know he/she is parenting that night. Not that they are helping with the kids, but you will be gone and they will be parenting. If we can just change the word from “help” to parenting, I will be happy with that and then we can work on the rest of it in another post!
As always, share your thoughts and opinions on how this works in your house!
Family plans and other such communication!
I have been thinking of family plans to add to my list of ever growing ways for couples to communicate. What do I mean by this you ask? I was envolved in a chat about a couple that had different ideas about their relationship. The woman wants to get married mostly for religious reasons and the man is not proposing after being together for 11 years. Okay, at some point you need to realize that you have different ideas on family/relationships and figure out if there is a compromise in all of this. If so great, if not then you need to talk about separation.
Another reason I have been thinking of this is for a very simple reason as the thing we call “our morning routine” or for better words are “not morning routine.” We both do what it us necessary in the am but what if we had a morning routine?
So this idea of a family plan and relationship plan are to establish clear roles and diminish confusion and assumptions. I believe it is important to have 2 because if you lump them together something might get missed and the last thing I want is more confusion.
To make things simple start small such as a morning routine and state what parent/child is responsible for each thing. You can check back in a week from when you started it and either add, stay the same or revise!
Relationships should be treated the same way, start small, both have imput and revise/add often. Hopefully, this will lead to easier concrete communication to help each other understand each other point of view.
I’m working on my plans, let me know how yours go and if you already have one in place!
Coupling and what works
When I work with couples, I eventually get asked this question “Are we a good couple, will we make it?” My answer usually is this: if you are trying and putting effort into your relationship then yes it will work, if you expect your partner to change while you do nothing then no. The phrase that I use is “it takes two to tango”.
I also reference work performance reviews all the time. Let’s say that you have a job outside of your house and each year you expect to get a raise and promotion without putting any effort into your job, would you still get a good review? The answer is no, the same works with relationships, they take an enormous amount of effort in order to work.
Here are the few things I think all couples should do:
-set time to talk about your relationship. Come from an “I” place where you say how you feel and not blame your partner.
-take time for yourself so you can recharge and be a happier person for your relationship.
-communicate all the time, when you stop talking your relationship breaks down, talk, talk, talk!
Of course there are more and I would love to hear from you how you think relationships work.