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Tag Archives: communication
Do you know your love language?
I’ve been noticing a trend of mine. I ask, “What’s your love language?” I often get blank stares on this one so I explain and discuss the five love languages.
I’m a huge fan of knowing your love language. You take the quiz, find out the results, but then what should you do with them?
Let’s recap the 5 love languages for just a minute.
Physical Touch
This is the hand holding, hugging, kissing and need to be touched.
Verbal/Words of Affirmation
This is saying how you feel such as, “I love you.”
Gifts
This is when you receive something and it makes you feel special.
Quality time
Spending time together makes you happy.
Acts of service
Chores, cleaning, doing, anything that involves doing something around the house or in your life.
Okay, who thinks that two people in a relationship will have the same love language? Well, if you are attracted to someone that’s different than you and sees different things than you, of course they will be different. If you’re all about the sameness, they are likely be the same.
We need to break it down on how this works and what you need to do, right? It’s not enough just knowing your love language because you probably already know that. The more important piece to this puzzle is, do you know your partner’s love language?
I’m going to bold this and make it a big deal because it is.
YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER USING THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE
Well, are you saying that you will if they know and ackowedgle yours? Nope, that’s not how this works. If you wait to receive without giving, then you will not get what you want. If you want to receive, you need to give.
Let’s say for example that partner A has a love language of Acts of Service and partner B has the love language Physical Touch. Oh boy! Those 2 love languages are so different. That means if partner A wants physical touch, partner A needs to do acts of service. Do you know what their acts of service are? I’m guessing you don’t so you’re going to need to ask. Is it making dinner or going food shopping? Figure out what they are and do them. In return, you will need to ask for your love language which is a hug or a kiss and Bam, you are flying high!!
What happens when life gets busy and you’re both stressed out and just want to receive without giving? Well, you’re not going to receive or give and then the fights happen. To avoid all of that, give and receive to get what you want, which is a mutually agreeable relationship!!
PS. Here is my video series on love languages if you want a more in-depth look on love languages. I also have a Free Report on Love Languages.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you after you take your love language quiz and find out what language you have.
Is it a party of one or two?
So, who goes out to dinner alone? If you do, do you fully embrace the experience or do you bring a book to read? I’ve done it a few times and sometimes it’s okay, other times I would like company. I guess that’s me and eating is a social thing for me.
What about other activities? Would you go to the movies alone? That’s a little different than eating by yourself, at least for me it is. What about going to therapy alone to work on your relationship? What do we think of that?
I’m a couple’s therapist and I work with couples. Could I work with one person in the couple to help the relationship? That’s what we are going to talk about today and when it’s appropriate to have a party of one or two!
Let’s start with individual therapy
You want to improve yourself for your partner
To me this is the #1 reason people come see me individually. Let’s say you have something from your past or something from your present that holds you back from fully engaging. Talking alone could help with your relationship.
You want to start therapy but your partner doesn’t
It happens, you are looking for changes, your partner doesn’t think there should be changes. Yes, it’s okay to call and come in yourself. You can bring those changes home with you. It’s called the “ripple effect” One change can lead to multiple changes. Always worth trying.
Your partner tells you that you need to be FIXED!
I love this one and yes it’s true that people need to be fixed, but the system needs to be fixed. It takes 2 people to fight or 2 people to be good together. If you need to be fixed, sure let’s work on what needs to be fixed.
Couples together time
Communication
If you have trouble communicating, let’s work on it in the same room. The only way we are going to make changes if we work together on this.
Intimacy
Ok, you’re thinking of more annoyances than love lately. When was the last time you kissed your partner? If intimacy has faded, then it’s a good idea to work on the reasons it faded and how we can get it back.
Big life decisions
If you have disagreements on the big stuff which to me is parenting, money or religion to name a few, let’s talk about it together once we work on the communication and the intimacy!
Affairs
Yes, as hard as it is, and I’m not going to lie, it is very hard to work on, if you are going to recover, you both need to be committed to working on it together. It is possible and yes it is challenging.
Change only happens if change occurs
There are always more in each category but the bottom line is, if you want to work together, come in together, if your partner is not ready, come in by yourself.
Whomever is willing to do the work, that person will change and hopefully your relationship will change.
I look forward to hearing from you!! Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
We’re into the month of January, so how are those New Year’s plans coming along? Are you working on yourself? Are you thinking about going back to school or changing jobs? Have you been thinking about your relationship lately and how it’s going? How often do you think about leaving your relationship? What are your motivation for staying?
Let’s break down the reasons to stay or leave
Reasons for staying!
Love – Okay, I picked an easy one to start with. Yes, but do you still love your partner? If you do, then staying is an easy decision to make because whatever’s going on doesn’t seem so bad compared to how you feel about your partner.
Compatibility – Do you agree about the big stuff? Are you able to find shows to watch together? Is picking dinner a battle? If you agree on the big stuff, then that is something to really think about when you’re looking at the big picture.
Communication – How well do you communicate? Do your needs get met? If they do, that’s golden and to me, that’s the #1 reason to stay. If you and your partner communicate well together, you are set for life!
Work well together – Have you been talking forever about things and they don’t get resolved or have you seen improvements on the thousands of things that need to change? If you’re both working on things and willing to keep working on them, that’s the real deal right there!
Reasons for leaving!
Children/family – So, are you wondering why I put this here? Staying for the sake of the children is a bad idea. Lots of people do it but some realize that they don’t have to and their children will be okay if they are separated. Your children want you to be happy, not just for them but truly happy. If you cannot do that together then it’s okay to separate.
Abuse/Addiction – I’m going to put these two together because they have similar qualities to them. If you’re with someone that has an addiction or is abusive to you and will not get help for themselves, then that’s a reason to leave. It’s okay to and you can do it!
Changed directions – What about the situation that we hear about all the time that you drift apart. It happens. Life takes on new roles for people. If you weren’t working on staying connected and you’re in new places in your life, then maybe splitting up is good for you or maybe you can try, up to you.
No passion – Okay, we get it, together for 20 years, yes, the passion dies down, but what’s left in its place? There needs to be something there to connect you two. If not, you’re better off leaving.
And what about infidelity?
Okay, not sure if you’re wondering why i didn’t add cheating to either of these lists? Since, affair work is my passion and it’s what I do, I can say that it falls into both categories depending on the situation and how it’s dealt with. It’s easier to leave, but so much more rewarding to stay and work through things.
So, who agrees with my list? Anything I majorly missed? Reach out jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and let me know.
And if you’re thinking about therapy, take this free quiz now https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling
It’s not you, it’s me
Hi and hope are doing well! I get on these kicks and my clients know that and put up with me and I want to share my last kick with you as well. No, it’s not you, it’s me. Who really believes it when someone says this to them? Have you ever had a break-up in your life and you heard this phrase? If so, welcome to the club. This phrase can be so hard to hear and I have finally cracked the code on what it means to me and I just wanted to share with you!
No, it’s not you, it’s me relates to the kick I’ve been on that deals with what you can control.
What you can control breaks down to this:
What you do and How you react
Seems pretty simple right, but how does this affect your relationship? Well, how many times have you blamed your partner for getting you upset? Have you really looked at those times and asked yourself, hey self how could I have reacted differently or what should I do differently next time?
Let’s break this down even further to what really changes a conversation to a fight. It’s called triggers and those are the things that really prevent you from controlling how you act and how you react. I can be the calmest person, but if I get triggered, watch out, either relationship tiger or mama bear can come out and attack at any moment.
What are some triggers and how do we notice them?
What Triggered Me…
- I felt excluded I felt powerless I felt unheard I felt scolded
- I felt judged I felt blamed I felt disrespected I felt lack of attention
- I felt uncared for I felt lonely I felt ignored I felt controlled
- I felt forgotten I felt unsafe I felt unloved I felt frustrated
- I felt disconnected I felt trapped I felt lack of passion I felt manipulated
You notice how all of these start with “I felt”?
I will tell you that when you are in an argument with someone that you love and you get triggered, it’s not them that causes you to get triggered, it’s you. Triggers are within us and they can control us or help us understand better.
Do you know your triggers? Did you know that you were getting triggered each time you had a fight about how you were feeling inside? If you didn’t know, this is the time to self reflect and start to understand what gets you upset and what triggers you, then you can begin to understand more about the concept, no, it’s not you, it’s me. Once you understand your triggers, or can at least identify one, reach out and let me know how you stopped yourself from getting upset.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
Wants and Needs
I’ve been asked (or maybe I’m just talking about it this week) on the difference between needs and wants.
When I was a new mom and I was wondering how the heck I would take care of 2 kids (a baby and a toddler) at the same time while I was breastfeeding one and the other has never left my side, arggghhh!! I was given the best advice:
Babies have needs, toddlers have wants, decide who needs you more!!
Wow, that was so powerful, quotable and helpful because when you’re sleep deprived and not knowing what you’re doing, how do you do it all? Um, you take turns, take a breathe and figure it out.
So, I was thinking about this again with my clients this week. I had some great conversations about it and how we can think about what we need in our relationships compared to what we want.
What I believe my needs are
Trust
So important to me to be able to trust my partner. This takes on a different meaning for me because I can trust him not to cheat on me, but I can’t always trust that he will do what he says. I need someone that will do what they say and say what they will do.
Emotions
I’m a therapist and anyone that’s with me needs to know that talking about emotions is important to me. I need to work through things, get rid of the upset feelings and get to the true emotions behind what we’re talking about. Guess I can call them triggers as well.
Co-Parenting
Yes, there can only be one parent that is working at a time, but there are two parents that need to be parenting all the time. Even though I work, and so does he, I need to feel as if our children are both of our responsibilities all the time. Work in progress here.
Talking
This is huge for me and I need this so much. I need to talk things out and work out what needs to be worked out. The silence is a killer for me. Huge need is to talk.
Let’s switch to some of my wants
Plans
I’m a planner and I like to have plans made. Something about having plans made is soothing to me and lets me get excited about things and helps me stay calm. My partner is a “spur of the moment” kinda guy so this is always a work in progress.
Vacations
I’m putting this in the wants section because it’s not a need. I do enjoy going away, seeing new things and of course planning it all!
Healthy Lifestyle
This is a need for me and I do this personally to stay sane, but it’s a want in my life because I can’t make anyone do anything solely for me. Maybe it’s a want/need!
In Summary
I’m going to stop there because I can add a lot more wants but in reality, I’m okay with getting my needs met. My needs are my core and when I get my needs met, I’m happy and content with my relationship.
How about you? Do you know your wants and needs? Do you need help distinguishing them Let’s hear from you and how you distinguish the two.
Move Your Marriage to a Better Place
A guest blog by Tanja Fridolfs, http://tanjafridolfs.com
HERE ARE 3 TIPS TO GET YOU THINKING AND WORKING TOWARDS A BETTER MARRIAGE
Communication is one of the main issues couples tell me they struggle with. While I hold to the idea, that there is often much more going on than just lack of communication skills, there is something to be said for being an effective communicator.Read More
Relationship Load
What’s Relationship Load?
I read a really good article the other day about how much we take on in our lives and how it can overload us to the point where we can’t do simple tasks. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think the need for “underloading” has come and I think there’s also a need to underload in your relationship as well.
What the heck am I talking about when I say underload in your relationship?
Read More
Choices, choices and more choices
Life is Full of Choices
Ok, life is full of choices and it’s very confusing what choices you should make on a day to day basis. What if I told you that you make so many choices a day and that the ones you are making are the right ones! Hooray right? Well, they might not always seem as if they’re the right ones but at the time you’re making them they are.
This blog courtesy of…
This blog is courtesy of my loving, 8 year old daughter. I’m a moderately strict parent, meaning, I discipline when I have to, make tough choices when I have to and hold up to the wrath that only a child can bring. Why, you ask? Because I’m a parent and that’s what parents do. Every time we say no, we are teaching a lesson, everytime we set a limit it’s for their good and that’s called parenting.
Make a Choice
I tell my daughters that when they make a choice they can make one that will lead to a reward or a consequence. They have to choose which one they’ll make. I believe that I give them guidance along the way to at least tell them that they’re making a decision that will lead to a consequence and it is up to them to decide how to proceed. Sometimes, they proceed, other times they stop and change the course of action. Once again, I’m not telling them what to do, I’m guiding them to make choices that are good for them… and for me of course!
The Outcome
Well, my 8 year old daughter got upset with me last week because she didn’t get her way. I asked her to do something 3 times and that’s my limit. She did it and then asked for dessert afterwards. Haha, that was a nice try; “no dessert because it’s past the time for dessert,” I told her. She made the choice to not listen and spend her time the way she wanted which caused her to miss out on something she wanted.
As 8 year olds go, she got an attitude with me and that’s not something I tolerate. Luckily, we have a great relationship so it doesn’t come out all the time. When her attitude does come out, watch out world, there’s a force to be reckoned with.
So, once she calmed down, she apologized to me. I have to say, her apologies are very sincere. I explained this concept about choices to her and she chose to play around and not do what she needed to do and so she didn’t get what she wanted.
Hence, choices are so complicated and for a young mind. It’s even more so because she doesn’t think past her current choice, just the one that she’s making. She says, “Mommy, life is so confusing to me.” Yes, I 100% agreed with her! I said, “it is, and the choices we make lead us down a certain path.” Good for her (and me) that we’re in this together 100% and I’ll back her up and help her make choices that will get her what she wants.
Did she learn a lesson?
Maybe she did or maybe she didn’t. I sure learned a lesson that life is complicated and the choices that you make are the ones that put you on your path. You’re making so many and I’d hope that the choices you make are getting you what you want.
Share Your Stories
I loved this story and wanted to share it with you. If you have a similar story, let’s hear it and we can learn from your story as well. Looking forward to hearing your stories!
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
How Do You Say You’re Sorry?
I’m blessed to have 2 elementary age children who are at school for 6 hours a day. I can get stuff done, exercise and of course, work on my business. When my children walk through the door, my world shifts and I don’t always know what I’m getting myself into when they come home.Read More
Let’s Talk About Emotions!
Let’s Talk Emotions
I am a Gottman couples’ therapist and I love working with couples. I get to see the transition from hurt, angry, distant to loving, intimate and enjoying each other. Understanding your emotions is not easy, but yes, it is possible.Read More