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Tag Archives: communication
Let’s Talk Betrayal
As you already know, I am a couple’s counselor and I’ve seen such a shift in what the word betrayal means and how trust breaks down. It’s become a passion of mine to help couples understand that:
- You can repair your relationship after a betrayal and
- Breaking trust is breaking trust.
Your relationship defines what that means so if you feel as if you have been betrayed then guess what? You are correct!
Let’s break down some areas of betrayal that most people think are okay but in reality they aren’t.
- Porn – This one is okay as long as your partner knows what you are doing and doesn’t feel neglected because of you watching porn. If it is a secret then you are breaking trust by not sharing and um…. Why does it need to be a secret anyways?
- Social Media – This again can be innocent or not depending on how you are viewing things. If you are liking posts that your partner wouldn’t necessarily want you liking, yep that’s NOT okay. If you’re posting pictures of your family, your trips, etc yep that’s okay.
- Money – Yep, if i hear someone say that oh I bought something but have to hide it from my partner, the trust is broken. Don’t hide, just say it loud and clear!
- Friendships – If you have to hide your friendship for any reason, then there might be something that is going to happen. Better be open about who you are talking with and how often you are talking to them.
The gist of these things is that when you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then you are potentially breaking trust. Just learn to share even if it is hard. If you feel that you’re doing something that will hurt your partner if they find out and that is the reason you are not sharing, well then you will eventually hurt your partner anyways.
Trust = Communication
– I can’t say that loud enough, so I will say it again
Trust = Communication
Let’s not have any misconception of values and intentions. Be open and honest and then we don’t have to worry about small betrayals leading to breaking trust.
At-home Life
How are you doing? I’m hoping you’re well and surviving this “new normal” that we’re all trying to figure out. Are we surviving? Of course, but are we figuring out how to stay connected during these times?
Staying Connected?
Who is using their rituals of connections? Have you figured out a way to continue your rituals while you’re social distancing? Or are you social distancing from each other? If it’s the first one great, please share what you are doing. But if it’s the latter, then let’s talk about what you can/should be doing at this time.
First off, you should know that I’m offering online counseling so if you feel you need to reach out to set up a session, let’s do it and get you two back on track. Besides that, here are some tips to help during this time!
- Greetings– Set up 5 minutes in the am where you check in with each other, coordinate schedules and hopefully meet up for lunch!
- Tag out- Kids driving you crazy? Talk about it, tag out and let the other parent take over. I know it’s a tough time right now, continue to talk about it.
- Dates- Now more than ever it’s time to laugh, spend time together and connect. Yes, it will be at home, but even better to find connections at home!
- Routines- Need one, stick to one and continue to have a routine every day. If you’re homeschooling, working and trying to do it all, then let’s talk and figure out a routine for you that works.
- Check-ins- It is so important right now to check in with each other and make sure you’re not taking your frustrations out on each other. Make sure your frustrations are in check and if you do lash out, just recognize it and say your sorry before your partner gets too upset.
- Connection rituals– Whether it’s cards, eating together, watching a show, find some time to be alone with each other and connect every day!
Okay, I’m going to stop now because as I stated, this is uncharted territory and we are learning as we go. This is going to go on for a while and I wanted to check in to make sure everyone is okay, handling things and working through what you need to work through.
We’re in this together
Remember, we’re going through this together so let’s be kind to ourselves and others by socially distancing while staying connected!
Please check in and let me know how you’re doing. I really want to know. If you’re needing a session and want to do something online, we can do that easy peasy.
Take care for now!
It’s time to start over!
How are you? I’m getting ready for fall and I know when Halloween comes, the end of the year will be here in a snap.
Whether you celebrate the Jewish holidays or not, I would like to say Happy New Year. If you know what I’m talking about, have you figured out what you want to bring into the New Year and what you want to leave out?
For those that don’t know about the Jewish Holidays, let me explain how Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur work.
Basically, you get a reset button on all the “not so good” stuff you did last year. For one day, Yom Kippur, you fast and then all of your mistakes are forgiven. Sounds good, right?
Well, if only it was that easy to forgive your partner, right?
What if it is?
What if one day you decide to look for the good in your partner instead of the bad? What if you’re only going to remind yourself about why you fell in love with your partner today and everyday!
Wondering how? Try these.
I appreciate-
Everyday for a week, sit down and say 5 things you appreciate about your partner and then listen to them say it to you.
Stress reducing conversations–
After you say what you appreciate, talk about something that is bothering you and have your partner listen and then switch sides.
Rituals of connection–
How are you doing on your rituals? If you aren’t doing them anymore, how about starting them up again.
Love maps–
How well do you know each other’s world? Sit down and talk about your love maps and see how well you know each other.
Okay, all fixed?
Of course not. There’s going to have to be a mindset switch from negative to positive. Are you getting your needs met by your partner? If not, talk to them and figure out what needs to change. Yes, you’re both great parents, children, aunts and uncles but what about just focusing on being a great partner!
I’m going to use this time to make some changes for the positive and I hope you do as well!
Looking forward to hearing about the changes you decided to make!
Let’s talk… I mean text
How’s everyone doing? Very sorry I have been MIA with writing, has been a busy few weeks. I hope everyone is doing well and we can talk about how I learned a few things recently.
Firstly, I got my oldest a phone which is something I really didn’t think I would do for a few years. She is turning 10 and she is ready. The real question remains if I am ready. She will not have social media on her phone but we added a new way for her to communicate to us when she’s not around!
Even before I got her the phone I’ve been thinking about technology and I have realized something about it that I haven’t before. Yes, I’m always learning new things!!
I realized that I say technology is bad for relationships but I’m going to amend this and say it’s only bad if you do it separately.
When you use technology to get closer, I’m all in. So let’s look at some ways technology can help your relationship.
Check ins
How are your rituals going? Are you doing your morning check ins? If so are you checking in with each other throughout the day? If not, sending a quick text throughout the day can spruce the fire, send an emoji or “I love you.”
e-cards
As with other rituals, no need to wait to send an ecard, lot’s of them out there to show you care, a kiss one, hug one, or just a wink, send it for no reason!
Reservations
Is it your turn to ask your partner out on a date? If so, send an evite and make a reservation to follow up! Have fun on your date!
Facetiming
If you can’t make time during the day, how about a face-time lunch? Can’t think of a better use of technology than that!
Safety
Do you like it when you know your partner is safe? It’s not checking up if they send you a quick, “I’m here now.” Always good to let someone know your coming home as well!
You Got This!
As with everything, make this list your own and use technology to your advantage! Have fun, flirt and use technology to your advantage.
How are you doing with your rituals? Do you have rituals of connections?
Let me know how you are doing and if you have any fun ideas on how to stay connected!
Can I Help You?
Hi
Happy summering from me to you! Are you enjoying the rain storms or waiting until autumn? I’ve lived in Florida for my entire life and I’m finding the weather to be more and more unpredictable than ever before. I used to play and then for an hour it would rain, then play some more. Now, it’s raining all day or looking like it’s going to rain.
I’m a creature of habit and of course I try to mix things up a bit in my life now and again. One thing I try to be consistent on is my belief that anyone that wants to work on their relationship can and should whether it’s with me or not. So, when someone comes to me and I have the first session, I say the same thing over and over again which is, “I have the tools to help you, you’re going to have to have the willingness to accept help.” I get a lot of “okay, sounds good” and for the most part it works. I help people or they decide that they don’t want help. I really try to think about how I can help everyone that wants help and I’ve come up with a few ideas on what I have seen work and what doesn’t work.
WHAT WORKS
- Consistency- Making your relationship a priority is the way to make it work. When people come to me, their relationship is usually on the back burner. To make this work, you need to commit to a certain time frame and put your relationship first. When you don’t it doesn’t work.
- The relationship is right- I meet a lot of really great people and they have a really great idea. When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to hear and understand your partner’s point. If you cannot do that, then this relationship will always be tipped in one direction. Remember the relationship is right.
- You’ve worked through your past- If you’re getting upset with your partner about things that previous partners did, then you haven’t successfully worked through your past yet and you need to do that, or at least acknowledge it.
- Emotions are okay- If you’re going to be in a relationship, at some point you’ll need to lean on your partner for something or else that’s not really a partner. Talking about emotions is okay and necessary to work on building trust in your relationship.
NOPE, NO WAY, THIS DOESN’T WORK
- Secrets- Nope, these don’t work in a relationship. If you have them, you’re betraying your partner in some way. Keeping things from your partner doesn’t help them.
- Getting stuck- If you’re stuck on the same problem week after week, it’s hard to get unstuck. Remember, the relationship is right, not the individual.
- Overloaded- Not sure why we do this, but when we get overloaded we tend to take things out on the ones we love. As a couple, you get the added bonus of a partner to help you out. If you’re overloaded, that’s not going to work.
- Addictions/non-med compliant- It is really hard to love someone and watch them love something more than you and you can’t help it. In order to be in a relationship with anyone else, you need to be okay with who you are first. If you’re addicted to anything or not taking medications the way you should, it’s time to work on yourself first, relationship second.
There’s lots of reasons counseling works and equally lots of reasons it doesn’t. I can only help if you want to be helped. Some people do, I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful. Some people don’t and still stay together. And some people break-up. What you get from your counseling experience is up to you.
Remember, I have the skills to help you, but I can’t force you to accept my help.
Let me know if I’ve helped or not helped and what you’d like to be different. I’m always open to feedback and can’t wait to hear from you!
I’m angry! Are you?
Happy summer to you! I sometimes talk about myself in sessions and I always get looks of relief to know that yes, I get mad at my husband, my kids, my family and YES, I am human.
Here’s the trick to anger, at least for me. It’s really how you deal with it that is how you feel afterwards.
I’m kind of a sensitive person and I take things to heart. I’m also a giver and I love to make other people happy. I know these things about myself and I also know that I’m a yeller and my husband is the quiet one.
I really don’t like being the yeller in the family. If you meet me, you wouldn’t think I’m the yeller so you know what I did one day? I decided I wasn’t going to yell anymore! You ask me how I did that? I really didn’t like the way I felt after yelling was over. Besides the fact that my throat was hurting me, I really didn’t like who I was. Yes, I was a bit scary.
How do you change?
So, how do you change something about yourself when you want to? Let’s break it down.
Know thyself!
I couldn’t really do this if I didn’t understand why I was yelling. I could blame my husband for this because he’s the silent one and I need communication, but what good would that do. I had to really look deep into myself and figure out the reasons I was yelling. Once I did that, I was able to change the way I spoke when I got angry.
No blaming
As I just said, it’s so easy to blame someone else. “Well, if they would talk more, I wouldn’t yell so much.” Nope, no way, that’s not how it works. Nobody makes you do anything. If I want to change myself, I have to change myself. Changing the people around me is not going to work.
Less stress, more calm
I like to think I’m a calm person, but if I’m yelling, am I really a calm person? Nope. So what can I do to calm myself when I feel like yelling? I can exercise, take some deep breaths, read, or anything to calm me down instead of yelling.
Trial and error
Anytime you want to change something about yourself, it is tough stuff! Even if you know it’s good for you to do, give yourself some breaks, please. We are so hard on ourselves and we need to be gentle. If you mess up, try again. Eventually, you will get it if you work hard enough on it.
So, do I still get angry?
Of course I do, it’s part of life and I’m only human. Do I yell still? Not so much and I feel as if I’ve grown from it. Yes, it’s possible to evolve if you want to.
Do you want to change how you deal with anything? If so, give me a shout and let me know.
Let’s stick with the sticky stuff
Are you doing okay? Lots to read lately I’m sure. We recently had our spring break and we took a family vacation!!! I’m excited and the best part is that it was budgeted beforehand. Yep, that’s right we have a budget and we talk about our budget twice a month. It’s a hard thing to talk about, it’s sticky and annoying and easier just to spend money, but guess what? You need to talk about the sticky stuff or else you shouldn’t be doing it.
Let’s talk about the sticky stuff or at least what I get all the time as sticky stuff.
Money
Might as well start with this one because I was just talking about it. If you are spending it, living it, then talk about it. Have a budget even if you aren’t living within your means right now. Being about to talk about it does help and trust me, it gets easier!
Sex
Yep, that’s right, if you’re doing it, you need to talk about it. Find out what’s working, what you enjoy, what’s not working and if you’re both satisfied with the amount of sex in your life. If you’re not, talk about it, if you are, then great, keep at it!!
Parenting styles
I talk about this one from time to time. Isn’t it cute when you see your partner laughing with your kids when it’s bedtime? NOPE, it’s bedtime. Well, to you it might be bedtime but for your partner, it might be bonding time. Again, don’t get mad, talk about it, find a common balance that works for both of you. Trust me, you don’t want to be with someone that thinks like yourself, that’s why you’re with someone different. Trust those differences and find a common balance.
Extended family
Um, so your partner wants you to take care of them when they are sick? What, you remember as a child being left alone and that’s how you like it. Are you kidding me, your partner’s mom is coming over to take care of them when they’re sick. Okay, you get the point. If your families think differently, that’s okay because guess what, you get to make up the rules now. Remember all of those rituals of connections, talk about them, come up with your own rituals and leave the extended family as extended.
I’m going to stop there because I’m hoping by now you get my point. Anything and everything can and should be talked about. It’s the sticky things that really should be talked about because they are even harder to talk about.
Do you talk about the sticky situations?
How does that work out for you? Did I miss yours? Tell me about it and also share how you talk through it.
I’m always open to hearing things you want me to write about. If you have a topic, please feel free to email me jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and share with me.
Spending, spending and more spending
| Just looking at this title make you cringe? It does for me for sure! Who is a “spender”? Who is a saver and who is in the middle? Do you know what your relationship with money is? There are people that make a career out of helping people identify their hang ups with money. Do you act the same way your parents did or do you do something different? Every couple that I work with (and I mean everyone one) has something to say about money. Which is a good thing because if you are similar with money, that’s okay. But if you’re different that’s okay as well! The only thing that’s not okay is staying silent about it.Let’s break down the okays and the not okays about money in your relationship. |
NOT OKAY
| Hiding things – I hear all sorts of people talk about how they hide purchases from their partner? Seriously, if you need to hide it, don’t buy it. Yes, it is a form of betrayal if you are buying things without your partner knowing about it. Coping – Are you mad at your partner for working too much? Do you think if you spend money that will make you happier? It might, but let’s make sure we are doing it for the right reasons. If you’re spending money out of spite, sit down and talk about it. Separation – Even reading that word is not okay right? It is okay to have separate accounts if that’s what you both want, if it’s not, then it’s not okay. Even if you have separate accounts and you’re married, they’re jointly owned. What’s not okay here is having secrets about your accounts. I didn’t say surprises. You can surprise your partner with a gift, but having a secret account that they don’t know about isn’t okay. Silence is so not golden here – If you can’t talk about it, then you shouldn’t be doing it! Even with separate accounts, you need to have a money talk at least 1x a month. Yes, you two need to sit down and talk about money. |
HOORARY, IT’S OKAY
| Spending more than you make – I put this here because it’s a fact of life. Life is expensive and if you’re spending more than you make, it’s okay as long as it is temporary, you have a plan to change it and you’re talking about it. Staying at home is a job! – If you are a worker and you quit your job to take care of your children and you think that isn’t a job, stop right NOW. It’s so a job and each year they come up with a stay at home salary. In 2018 the salary was $162,000 and in 2019 its $160,000. You get my point. You’re working and stop feeling like you aren’t. It’s okay to stay-at-home and it’s okay to spend money like you are working, yes it’s okay. Messing up – If you mess up, spend without talking about it, feel bad about spending, etc, call for a chat and talk about it. It can only be resolved if you two talk, so talk. |
Get the point?
| Mostly in the NOT OKAY category there are things where you hide stuff, in the OKAY category it’s mostly stuff that you talk about. Just talk about money please. I know it’s hard, I know its emotional but I promise the more you do it, the easier it will be!!! So just do it!! Let me know how you communicate about money!! |
It’s not me, perhaps it’s not you either
I get a ton of calls and emails about counseling and I’ve helped people out who aren’t a good fit for me. It gets a bit more complicated when you are looking for couple’s therapy and then the conversation goes a bit deeper.
Let’s see if we are a good fit to work together.
Not a Good Fit
- You are looking for someone that takes insurance – Okay, here’s my take on insurance. With any insurance company they need a diagnosis. Even if you are going to individual therapy, they will require a diagnosis. Who thinks there’s a diagnosis for couples’ therapy? There isn’t, but unfortunately, there still needs to be an identified patient and only one person gets billed. Nope, not what I’m into. I’ll happily help you submit your receipts to get reimbursed, but that’s up to you. I’ll also suggest if you want to use your insurance, look at your insurance panel for people in your network!
- If you are working on something that your not willing to share – I can only help you if you let me. If you hide things from me and hide things from yourself, then therapy will not be a good fit and I especially will not be a good fit.
- You’re not ready to change – Therapy only works if you want it to work. If you’re coming to make your partner happy or thinking they’ll change because you came, then it won’t work out for us.
Let’s Work Together
- Ready, set, go – You’ve done the work to accept that things need to be different and you’re willing to make changes in yourself.
- Regularity is the key – As with everything, the more you do it, the easier it is. Practice makes perfect. Why oh why do we not prioritize our own relationships and self-care? If you’re starting therapy, let’s make a commitment to set aside some time for it. It’s just an hour of your day and it’s so very cool when you’re present and ready to work!
- You’re ready but your partner isn’t – Being happy or even content in your life has nothing to do with anyone else. If you’re ready, pick up the phone and make an appointment. If you’re not, then don’t. If you’re waiting for the right time, I can tell you there is no right time. Let’s do this.
I’m interested helping, right?
There are a ton more reasons to work together than not. I’m only interested in helping people become better versions of themselves or remember why you fell in love with all those lovely quirks but now they annoy you.
When you make the decision to go to therapy, it should be a huge relief because now you have someone that can help you understand all those things that you don’t understand yourself. Shew, sounds good right. Hope so, let’s put the NOT’s aside and thing of the reasons to do this.
Look forward to connecting soon.
If you’re wondering if therapy is right for you, here’s a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling
Let’s listen to others today
In my years of working with couples, I have gotten some great advice on how to work with couples. I have also gotten some good tidbits from all the trainings that I do. I was wondering if there was anything else out there that would spark my interest so I found an article that asks couples what they do to spark interest in each other. I really liked it so I’m going to share some of the quotes that I found interesting.
TRY THE TWO-MINUTE RULE
“Basically, anything can wait for two minutes. You have to pee? Got dinner cooking on the stove? Need to make an important phone call? Everything in life can wait for two minutes if it means making your spouse feel loved. So, when one of us calls for two minutes the other person has to stop whatever they are doing and we go find a place to be alone together. For those two minutes you are not allowed to check a cell phone, answer a child, think of other tasks you need to do. At the end of the two minutes, either person has the right to say they need to get back to what they were doing and the other person can’t be sad or offended. We’ve been using this rule for over 10 years now and it’s my favorite thing. Even our children know that when mom and daddy are having two minutes they cannot bug us.”
—Lizzy V., Fort Mill, SC
VOLUNTEER TOGETHER
“Volunteering together keeps the spark alive in our relationship by connecting to something that is bigger than our own problems. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but we have a really great one. And nothing is sexier than seeing him help someone in need.”
—Chris G., Sacramento, CA
WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS
“We decided early on is that we would never ever put each other down or say anything negative about the other one in front of others. We’ve made it a practice to only say supportive and kind things to each other in public and save disagreements for when we’re alone. And even then we make sure to keep it civil. It’s worked for us for 26 years.”
—Tammy N., Seattle, WA
SAY THOSE THREE LITTLE WORDS
“The last thing we say to each other each night are the words ‘I love you.’ No matter how long or hard the day has been, we end it with love.”
—Dave G., Denver, CO
SCHEDULE TOGETHER TIME
“We’ve learned that if date night is going to happen we have to schedule it, just like we would any other obligation. Now, everyone knows I am simply not available Fridays from 5 to 7 p.m. and they respect that.”
—Alison M., New York, NY
SAY THANK YOU
“Each night before falling asleep my husband thanks me for doing something that day. It could be anything from running an errand to doing the dishes to making a delicious dinner. It makes me feel appreciated and not taken for granted. And I do the same for him. It’s nice to fall asleep thinking about the reasons we like each other.”
—Lisa G., Westminster, CO
EAT TOGETHER
“My wife and I make it a point to always eat breakfast and dinner tonight, no matter how early or late it has to happen. We’re celebrating our 40th anniversary this summer so something must be working!”
—Thomas H., Eau Claire, WI
DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY
“We find little things we can do that will make the other person happy, like getting them a favorite treat or running an errand for them. The happiness of your spouse should be your first priority, for each of you. We just had our oldest daughter get married and that’s the advice we gave her!”
—Toby D., Lakeville, MN
COUPLES THERAPY
“Sometimes when the spark is gone from a relationship, there’s a real reason. My husband and I have done marriage counseling, individual therapy, and appropriate medications (not to mention a large dose of humor). It’s saved our marriage.”
—Julie S., Washington, DC
Couldn’t resist the last one!! I picked the ones that I thought were interesting. Here’s the whole article in case you want to read it https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4569/happy-couples-healthy-relationship-advice/
I would love to hear the ways you keep the romance going in your relationship. There are so many good ones here. I especially like the 2 minute rule because it’s just so true. What is your favorite?