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Tag Archives: children
Patience
The beginning of school is always a time of rushing, getting things ready and adjusting to a new routine. For me, as I’m sure for a lot of you, it’s also a time for holding on to your patience as well as your sanity! I have 2 girls in school now, yes I made it. My youngest just started Kindergarden and I am finally at that stage where I have my days to myself! Ah, if only it was that easy!Read More
End of Summer and the Empty Nest
I’ve had a nice relaxing summer so far. My two children are enjoying camp and I am enjoying them at camp! My youngest is starting kindergarten in the fall and I always said that I was so excited to get to this point in my life. Oh, all the things I can do with them both in school. See, I didn’t rush preschool and last year my little one went to vpk with a pick up at 12 pm. As rushed as my days were, I enjoyed the time I had with her and she sure learned patience by waiting for her older sister in car lines with me!
Fast forward to today when I just used her school id number to link her lunch account with her older sisters. Okay, that was real for me and I’m so excited for this time for her and also a little sad that my little girl is growing up. As I write this, I know that others are experiencing different levels of excitement and sadness with their children going off to school, whether it’s college or just leaving the house. The real empty nesters are getting ready to experience life without tending to every one of your child’s needs.
Welcome back to adulthood! What, you are sad, unable to get out of bed, do not know what to do with your days? If this is you, then let’s talk.
As happy as you are for your children to leave the house, they’re still leaving the house and you’re still at your house. What does this mean for your relationship? Are you wondering how you’re going to handle the silence in the house? Does your partner/spouse annoy you with just being in your space? Did you spend all of your time and energy on your children and then you look at your spouse/partner and realize you don’t know who they are?
These feelings are normal and they don’t need to lead to separation or even divorce. Here are some things that you two can do to spice up your relationship!
- Go on a second honeymoon.
- Pick up a hobby together.
- Find an exercise routine for both of you.
- Work on your relationship through counseling.
- Make sure you go out on dates and make your relationship special!
If this isn’t working and you feel you need more help, I understand and this is what I do. I help couples, such as yourself, to reconnect, learn how to be intimate, like each other and communicate so the other one understands.
You can and should enjoy this time of your life and I look forward to helping you get to your ideal empty nest dream!
Growing a Relationship with Growing Children
We had another great seminar last Friday. Here’s the video for those that were unable to attend. See you next time!
Teaching and learning how to be disappointed
Okay, this is a very personal blog but that is what this is for to talk, learn and to listen. I had the pleasure of learning so many lessons this morning dropping my children off at camp that it had to be remembered and shared to experience life as it comes.
My children love “mommy camp” but as we all know, I work and need time away from them so I have them signed up for camp a few weeks this summer. Today was the first day back at camp after 2 weeks of “mommy camp”. As we were approaching the door, the tears started and they got worse and worse. I did my usual things to try to calm them down. I say them because the older one was upset and the younger one was upset because the older one was crying. Yes, lovely right, you are trying to make one stop crying and the other starts.
Well, at a point I decided I had to leave. I got the promises, the guilt, the everything and realized I had to make a run for it. Why, because I had things scheduled that I could not miss which now I am so thankful for and grateful once again for my wonderful supportive husband because once I got to the parking lot I called him in tears mind you and he was great! Said all the things I needed to hear and the best part is that he is right.
We need to let our children be uncomfortable and experience life and learn how to deal with disappointment. As adults we deal with disappointment all the time but why do we, at least I think that we should shield our children from it. I knew once I left they would calm down and have fun, but it was so hard leaving. I believe with the support of my husband I did the right thing and taught them and myself a valuable lesson today on how to deal with disappointment.
As I was sitting in the parking lot, I had one mother tell me my children were crying and another telling me that sometimes you just have to let them cry. No matter what you believe, I do believe that we need to teach them they cannot get their way all the time and that they need to do what is expected of them just because they are children and parents make up the rules.
So, do you want to know how it turned out? Of course it was great! Picked them up, ate their lunch and I was told, “Mommy, I had so much fun and even met a new friend.” Geez what was I worried about. The bottom line is that for me I need to trust my training and my mommy instincts in order to let my children learn about life!
How do you know you want to be a parent?
As my oldest daughter turns 5 today and my youngest was the craziest I and my husband have ever seen her, this question came to my mind. I did not meet my husband until I was older and finished with all of my school which is a blessing for me, but I always knew I wanted children, but why? My brother had children way before me and I was always asked if I wanted them and I said yes, but not then. I found a career that I could do both, meaning work and raise a family if I was to do it on my own, thankfully that was not the case. So, the question remains, how did I know I wanted to be a parent?
I counsel a lot of couples and I see some with children and some without. There is a difference in the problems, needs and desires of those two groups. I have always believed that the smartest people in the world that decide they do not want children and do not have them. So, I can come up with the reasons not to have them:
1. To save a relationship (doesn’t work)
2. If you have had a rough childhood and decide you do not want children (that is okay!)
3. If you want to focus on your career and feel that is enough for you.
Now, let me try to come up with a list of reasons you should have children? I cannot pin point why I wanted children even the number. We have 2 girls and I get asked all the time if I am going to try for number 3, the answer is no because I know I wanted 2 children. Even when they drive me up the wall, the constant attention and the lack of everything that is me, there is still no better feeling than when one or both of my children say that they love me! I love them with all my heart, just cannot pin point exactly why I wanted to be a parent.
Would love to hear from you about why you do or do not want to be a parent. The high points and the low points on both ends. Let’s hear the stories!
How do you be a good parent and friend?
Ok, so I see a lot of people around and even talk to a few of them and I always wonder if my family is different? I have small children and they always seem to know when I am about to get on a work call, talk to another parent or just need some time to myself. I am a very hands on mom and I will play with my children when they ask me, but when do I get a chance to play?
The answer is as always the good old balance of life, children and time for yourself. I recently spoke on stress and asked the audience the amount of time you should devote to yourself, most people especially parents say the most 25% but actually it should be 50% and I think I need to clarify that the 50% need to waking hours!
So, how is this done! One of the first things I ever learned in my Master’s program or one of the first things I remember is that you need to always work on yourself, then your relationship, then your children. Hello, how is that possible? I think so. Lets work on the steps.
1. Remove the guilt that is involved in parenting and stop feeling guilty all the time for either just taking time for yourself or even
spending money on yourself. Remember the guilt means you are a good parent!
2. Find someone else to watch your children. No, they will not be the same as you, you will need to let go and remember that it is good for
them and you to be with others.
3. Ask someone on a date! Find another parent that you connect with and hang out.
And remember that you are a better person when you are a calmer person! Be calm and be a good parent at the same time. Get away from your children so you can work on yourself and develop friendships that will make you happy.
How to stay thankful!
I love thanksgiving! Every year we talk about cutting corners, even the possibility of going out to eat, but when it comes down to it, this is the holiday that means family around a table in the house eating everything they can find! We always go around and say what we are thankful for and I am always so thankful for my family, friends and even my wonderful career path, but this year I think I will add a different spin on things and try to figure out how to remain thankful all year-long.
This concept reminds me of hurricane season, especially the part where you lose electricity and you turn to your neighbors to help or just to bond. Whenever the electricity is out, I have noticed that families come out of their houses, interact with others and lend a helping hand if needed. When the electricity goes back on, you remark how great it was to be part of the community, even if it was just in your own house and remind yourself that you need to keep it up. Honestly, who really keeps it up? The same goes with being thankful, how do we remain thankful for all of our blessings all year-long?
1. Always volunteer and remind yourself of all that you have.
2. Donate items to those in need all year-long.
3. Teach others how to be thankful of what they have.
4. Implement a plan to slow down and remind yourself of all that you have.
5. Look around and see your life through someone else’s eyes.
I am one of the lucky ones that I can remind myself of all that I am thankful for and one way that I can do this for sure is when I am driving in traffic and come upon an accident. I do not get upset for the extra time that I had to wait for the accident because I am safe in my car while somebody else is hurting or even worse. To remember the acts of kindness that we do to others and others to do us is the best way to stay thankful.
Let me know your thoughts on how to say thankful all year round and let’s hold each other to this promise of staying thankful!
How selfish do you need to be in order to be a good parent?
Ok, long title and one that might seem not right when it comes to parenting. What does that mean that you have to be selfish? Well, let’s put it in another frame of mind. How about you say that you be selfful? Yes, my spell check tells me that is not a word but I use that phrase a lot when I am working with people. What does it all mean?
Who’s been on an airplane? All of us at some point of another. Who listens to the announcement about procedures? If you have listened once it has told you that if the airbags come down, put one on yourself first then your child or your neighbor that might need help. Yeah right! Who is going to put one on themselves first before their child? The people that come to therapy would because if you cannot take care of yourself then you cannot take care of your child! That being said, we all have different stress levels, patience levels and tolerance levels so when you start comparing yourself to others it is a loosing battle. Here is what you need to know to survive the parenting game.
1. Know yourself and your limits.
2. Recognize when your limits are being reached and you need time to yourself.
3. Take that time, reenergize and then go back to reaching your limits again!
Easier said than done but it needs to happen in order for you to be a functional person/parent. You are not doing yourself or your child any good if you are too stressed out to take care of them. You will either start yelling or worse they will. How do these kids know when we are down and out.
So, you say to yourself at this point, I cannot take a break? I have no help nor do I have money for help. Here are some alternatives for you.
1. Find activities that your children love and can do mostly independently so you can at least have a mind break.
2. Find children for your children to play with so you can zone out.
3. Swap your children with a friend and you do the same so you can have a break.
These are just a few examples of how you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. We love our children but we need to love ourselves more in order to be the best parent we can be.
If you have any great ideas on how you zone out or take a break, let me hear them!
I am a good parent!
Okay, for the most part and for that matter for most days I know I’m a good mom! Of course there are days when I doubt myself which today was one of them. Saying that me being me, I had to learn about myself and of course write about it.
How do you know your a good parent?
1. I think the first indication would be you read this post! Meaning if your questioning yourself, then your a good parent.
2. Do you spend quality time with your kids? If this is hard to do, at least develop a nightly ritual so all is forgiven each day!
3. Do you make sure your kids have food, clothes, enough sleep? We do not really think about that stuff but it is basic survival.
4. Do you drop or cancel your own thing for the sake of your child?
5. Do you put your child’s needs before your own?
These are just some of the ways you can tell your a good parent, but really if you do anything and everything for your child you will still doubt from time to time. Parenting is the most selfless job out there.
The way I handed to today is I texted a friend and asked her to remind me I was a good mom. Of course by the time she got back to me which was only 30 minutes later the feeling had past. What it boils down to me that if you question, your a great parent.
You of course can try my trick but also want to know your tricks on how you remind yourself your a great parent!
Shared parenting and stop asking for help!
Okay, I have been hearing a lot about parenting lately and one parent always saying to me, “He doesn’t help” I am using the female/male voice in this post because it is easier and of course there are tons of dads out there that the situation is reveresed. So, how do we start the process of shared parenting?
Let’s stop asking for help and let’s decide roles together. Both of you are working whether it is outside of the house or at home, there are always things to do and it gets tiring to always ask someone for help. I know that my partner will do anything I ask, but I do not want that, I want it to be equal and just automatic. In saying this, I realize that I need to change the way I think and move on to more co-parenting and not primary parenting. When two parents are involved, it is easy for one parent to do most of the day to day stuff and the other to come in and “help”. Let us say that the secondary parent needs to find ways to stay involved without asking the primary parent if they need any help. I would like the word help to be eliminated from each and every household and for everyone to have a family plan as my previous post talked about. I want both of you to work together to figure out which parenting/household skill your good at and work on those skills and check in with each other to make sure both are happy and satified.
The trick is to give your partner space to do things his/her way. You did not marry yourself and you cannot expect your parnter to do things the way you do them. If you want to go out one night, let your partner know he/she is parenting that night. Not that they are helping with the kids, but you will be gone and they will be parenting. If we can just change the word from “help” to parenting, I will be happy with that and then we can work on the rest of it in another post!
As always, share your thoughts and opinions on how this works in your house!