To learn a bit more about the Gottman Method and what it means, I want to share an exercise that I thought was helpful to include in my own relationship. When we think of rituals, at least when I thought of rituals, I thought it meant holidays, birthdays, etc. Never did I even think about day-to-day rituals and how helpful they can be. Here is how it works.

Go back into each person’s memories of your families and ask about the rituals of connection surrounding these events. If there is resistance of one partner or another, then work through it and talk about this resistance and figure out how you can listen to what your partner has to say. If there are bad memories, the idea of bringing things up might be upsetting. A supportive listener is sometimes all we need.

In each ritual, it is important to know what each person is supposed to do and when. This includes entry into the ritual, the roles each person will have in the ritual, and its ending.

Leave Taking: Come up with something that both of you can do that is rewarding and will make leaving a connection time. For example: Kissing before walking out the door.

Reunions: When coming back home, come up with one thing to talk about the day.

Mealtimes: Come together at meals and share events of the day. My family does highs and lows. Name one great and one bad thing that happened each day.

Eating out: This can become a family ritual and tradition such as where you go for birthday dinners. Find a connection and enjoy time out together.

The reunion stress reducing conversation: Each person gets at least 5 minutes to talk about something stressful about their day, not about the relationship.

Bedtime: Get into a routine of bedtime even if you do not go to sleep at the same time. At least a hug and kiss from the person going to sleep first.

Morning Rituals: For most families, mornings can be hectic. Find a system that works for you and stick to it.

Dates and Getaways: Very important part of a relationship. If finances are an issue then find out if you can swap with another family date nights, such as you watch their children then they watch yours. Or do date night at home.

When one person is sick: Discuss what you need and how you would like to be taken care of or left alone.

Celebrations: How does your family deal with pride, praise, celebrate success and acknowledge and reward achievement? Find out how each partner feels about this and create a culture of praise that works for you.

Rituals surrounding bad luck, failure, or exhaustion: How do you support, heal, and renew each other in bad times?

Rituals surrounding entertaining: The idea of a home and bringing friends into it can lead to important rituals of connection for a couple and for children.

Rituals surrounding keeping in touch with family and friend: Family events, reunions, and so on can be great or a source of argument. Are friends over involved or do you not have any? Talk about how you both feel about family and friends and come up with something that works.

Rituals surrounding initiation and refusing love-making and talking about it: It is just important to talk about sex as well as the rejection you feel when your partner ignores your advances. It is okay to schedule sex and equally important to talk about it. Find a system that works for both of you and enjoy it!

Vacations: How does your family introduce a need for a vacation? How are they planned and what is the vacation like. Does work come along on vacation? Does family or just you and your partner? Talk about how you would envision your vacations.

Connections surrounding birthdays, anniversaries, etc: What traditions are set up for these? Is someone always disappointed? Here is where finding out about past family traditions could greatly help your conversation.

Ok, is that enough for one day. Seriously, I wrote all of them down and some of these, you might already have in place and some of them, you have not even thought of. Try to figure out how you can talk about each one. They are all important but if it is too challenging to incorporate all of them, then you can pick the 5 most important ones to both you and your partner and talk about those.
This is easier to do in a therapist’s office, but can be done at home with time, compassion and great listening skills. If you find yourself needing help with these, make the call and come in for a session to get started on your new relationship!