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Betrayal
I have seen such a shift in what the word betrayal means and how trust is broken down. It has definitely become a passion of mine to help couples understand that:
- You can repair your relationship after a betrayal and;
- Breaking trust is breaking trust. Your relationship defines what that means so if you feel as if you have been betrayed then guess what? You are correct.
Let’s break down some areas of betrayal that most people think are okay but in reality they aren’t.
- Porn– This one is okay as long as your partner knows what you are doing and doesn’t feel neglected because of you watching porn. If it is a secret then you are breaking trust by not sharing and um…. Why does it need to be a secret anyways?
- Social Media– This again can be innocent or not depending on how you are viewing things. If you are liking posts that your partner wouldn’t necessarily want you liking, yep that’s NOT okay. If you’re posting pictures of your family, your trips, etc yep that’s okay.
- Money– Yep, if i hear someone say that oh I bought something but have to hide it from my partner, the trust is broken. Don’t hide, just say it loud and clear!
- Friendships– If you have to hide your friendship for any reason, then there might be something that is going to happen. Better be open about who you are talking with and how often you are talking to them.
The gist of these things is that when you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then you are potentially breaking trust. Just learn to share even if it is hard. If you feel that you’re doing something that will hurt your partner if they find out and that is the reason you are not sharing, well then you will eventually hurt your partner anyways.
Trust = Communication
I can’t say that loud enough, so I will say it again Trust=Communication.
Let’s not have any miss conception of values and intentions. Be open and honest and then we don’t have to worry about small betrayals leading to breaking trust.
Getting Past Infidelity Triggers
Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can be a jarring experience, regardless of if the infidelity was emotional or sexual, one time or repeat. Similarly, experiencing infidelity second-hand as a child or close friend can cause shockwaves.
But the truth remains that every person brings expectations to a relationship. When communicated, these expectations become boundaries. Violated boundaries and dashed expectations elicit a painful response that strikes from the core of your need for security and partnership. It shouldn’t be surprising that this can be imprinted as trauma.
Trauma is often triggered or set off by events, smells, situations, people, etc., that remind you of elements of infidelity. Your triggers may sabotage relationships or successes in your life.
And still, knowing all of this doesn’t get to the heart of why you’re here. How does one get past the triggers of infidelity?
Be Gentle
Before you go into fix-it mode, find yourself a moment of self-compassion. Self-compassion exercises allow you to speak kindly to yourself in moments of vulnerability. Many of these exercises are meditative and help to soothe fear responses. Try a few of Kristen Neff’s meditations at https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations
Grieve
Your infidelity triggers may show up in lifetimes past the event or directly after a violation. Allow yourself to be curious about what comes up. Grieving and authentically allowing the associated feelings to pass is a way of acknowledging your triggers. Common displays of grief show up as:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Journal the process
Journaling is an excellent way of clarifying what your triggers may be. By writing down your experiences, you may find patterns of triggers. This exploration allows you to renegotiate your boundaries with others around you. Journaling also allows you to tell or retell a narrative from a more helpful perspective.
Lean on Friends
Your support system is going to be comprised of many different people. Choose your core group wisely. It may be second nature to explain your triggers to others but try to find 2 or 3 people you can lean on. This way, you’re more likely to be supported and understood than having your feelings brushed to the side.
Deep Breathing
Deep breathing actually works. It triggers your vagal nerve, the nerve responsible for activating relaxation and digestion. This nerve runs from your face through your internal organs, digestive tract, and bladder. To massage this nerve, deep breathing needs to be low and slow.
Here’s how to do it:
- Set aside time to practice breathing.
- Place one hand on your chest and the other on or below your belly button.
- Breathe slowly and deeply through your nose, ensuring your belly button rises and your chest stays still.
- Hold your breath for a few seconds.
- Slowly exhale through your mouth.
- Visualize your belly button moving back towards your spine and slightly up towards your stomach.
- Repeat steps 3-5.
You can do this exercise as often as you need to. Just 10 minutes of deep breathing can help you relax, reduce stress, and improve your overall well-being.
Group Support
Support groups are great ways to increase your understanding of infidelity-related triggers. There is no better way to gain perspective than listening to others going through similar situations.
And finally, enlist the support of a licensed therapist, mental health counselor, or clinical social worker. Moving through infidelity triggers can impact all areas of life. Look for therapists with a trauma background or those who specialize in infidelity. Call us today to schedule a consultation for affair recovery and learn about our practice. Your time and healing journey are worth the professional insight.
Emotional Infidelity, What is it?
Your partner has been staying late at work for the last few months. You oversee a text message from their coworker – thanking them for “being there for them” this week. You think nothing of it until you start to add in other clues. Your partner has been growing distant. They continue to leave early and come home late, day after day. And at the Holiday party, someone mentioned their work spouse – a term you had not registered as anything more than workplace banter. Wait, is your partner having an affair?
Emotional infidelity is tricky to spot and difficult to acknowledge. At its core, infidelity assumes intimacy, but when an affair lacks physical intimacy or sexual conduct, it becomes emotional infidelity. These affairs can be as damaging as physical affairs because they violate a sense of reality in the non-offending partner. This violation can lead to relational trauma and deep mistrust within the relationship. If the partner has previous experience with infidelity, this can be devastating, leaving little to no room to move forward.
If you’re wondering how emotional infidelity might begin, look at these situations.
Work Wife/Work Husband
Emotional infidelity may show up in close working relationships. Often, individuals who work closely together may bond over the ups and downs of their workplace or a rogue boss. An emotional affair starts when these individuals rely on one another for emotional support and non-sexual needs. This need for emotional support applies to other situations as well.
Online Relationships
Many find online relationships start as emotional, partly due to a lack of proximity or opportunity for physical relationships. In apps and online games, individuals may find the support they need in a difficult time on the other side of the screen. These online relationships are not the only friendship that can cross the line.
Close Friends
Friendships that cross the emotional boundary are not always outside of everyday life. You may find that friends become emotional stand-ins for a significant other. These relationships continue through deep connections that are not happening in primary relationships.
Signs of Emotional Infidelity
Emotional infidelity is covert and not entirely obvious. These signs may not cause concern when independent of one another. Together, however, another story is told:
- Defensiveness when your partner is confronted.
- Deleted texts or emails/ deleted search history.
- Code Names in phone
- Lying
- Declines in intimacy.
- Partner confides with others about your relationship.
- Substantial time away from home & primary relationship- long nights at work, spending extra time online, etc.
The Impact of Emotional Infidelity
Infidelity can elicit a host of internalized questions about you. And yet, it likely has very little to do with you. Still, your mind may wander to your part in this. Be honest with yourself- your partner has become involved with someone else. Take time to investigate your needs. Can your current relationships continue with the emotional affair ongoing? What do you need to know or be sure of? And finally, who is your support system? You may find the help you need through a grief group or a with a mental health counselor. Even a trusted friend may speak volumes to what you’re going through. Regardless, this is a devastating experience—be gentle with yourself.
If you have yet to unpack the depths of this infidelity, enlist the help of a professional. Therapists can help you sort through your experience and provide tools to regulate your emotions. Couples counselors may even work with both of you to help reinstate the violated sense of trust. Ultimately, you must decide your next move and a good therapist will honor your choice. Reach out to us to learn more about therapy for betrayal trauma.
Let’s Talk Betrayal
As you already know, I am a couple’s counselor and I’ve seen such a shift in what the word betrayal means and how trust breaks down. It’s become a passion of mine to help couples understand that:
- You can repair your relationship after a betrayal and
- Breaking trust is breaking trust.
Your relationship defines what that means so if you feel as if you have been betrayed then guess what? You are correct!
Let’s break down some areas of betrayal that most people think are okay but in reality they aren’t.
- Porn – This one is okay as long as your partner knows what you are doing and doesn’t feel neglected because of you watching porn. If it is a secret then you are breaking trust by not sharing and um…. Why does it need to be a secret anyways?
- Social Media – This again can be innocent or not depending on how you are viewing things. If you are liking posts that your partner wouldn’t necessarily want you liking, yep that’s NOT okay. If you’re posting pictures of your family, your trips, etc yep that’s okay.
- Money – Yep, if i hear someone say that oh I bought something but have to hide it from my partner, the trust is broken. Don’t hide, just say it loud and clear!
- Friendships – If you have to hide your friendship for any reason, then there might be something that is going to happen. Better be open about who you are talking with and how often you are talking to them.
The gist of these things is that when you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then you are potentially breaking trust. Just learn to share even if it is hard. If you feel that you’re doing something that will hurt your partner if they find out and that is the reason you are not sharing, well then you will eventually hurt your partner anyways.
Trust = Communication
– I can’t say that loud enough, so I will say it again
Trust = Communication
Let’s not have any misconception of values and intentions. Be open and honest and then we don’t have to worry about small betrayals leading to breaking trust.