11555 Heron Bay Blvd #242, Parkland, FL 33076
Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Table for one, please
Happy summer to you. I hope you’re doing well. This topic was on my mind since my children are in camp and I have some time to myself without the hassle and bustle of school.
What does it mean to be in a relationship but still yourself?
I get when people say, yeah, when they’re with me, they’re my partner, but not with me, they act as if they’re single.
Nope, that’s NOT okay in my book, is it okay in your book?
What do you do if you want to make changes in your relationship but your partner is a hard NO WAY to counseling. This is couples counseling for one!
First, let’s break down some of the reasons your partner doesn’t want to come to counseling.
- Counseling is scary- Anyone that has been in my room knows counseling is NOT scary, it’s real for sure. Especially with me because there’s no sugar coating things, but your relationship can be scary at times as well.
- I’m content and happy- This might be completely true. Your partner might not have anything to work on and you want them to come to counseling to work on things. This can also go back to the scary part.
- Busy, busy, busy- Yep, this is real and you are busy and you need to find some time to work on your stuff. Travel, children, work, life, etc all take up time. Hint hint, your relationship does as well!
Okay, these are just a few reasons someone might not want to come to couples counseling. Do you see anywhere on that list that your partner doesn’t love you? Nope, just because your partner isn’t ready to go to counseling with you doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they’re not ready.
What does all this mean for you?
Of course you can come to counseling by yourself! We can work on your relationship if your partner is not in the room, will just be us working on things for you to bring home to your partner. Can you grow together if only one of you is working? Yep, you can! And I’d like to challenge you to come in, see how it works and realize that there’s hope.
If you’re thinking about counseling, you love counseling but your partner doesn’t, then couples counseling for one is perfect for you.
Spread the word
Let everyone know that you can go to counseling by yourself even if you’re in a relationship just like you can go to eat by yourself and proudly say, “Table for one.”
I just updated my counsleing for one page and here’s the link https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/therapy-services/marriage-therapy/counseling-for-one/
I look forward to hearing what you think about couples counseling for one!
Can I Help You?
Hi
Happy summering from me to you! Are you enjoying the rain storms or waiting until autumn? I’ve lived in Florida for my entire life and I’m finding the weather to be more and more unpredictable than ever before. I used to play and then for an hour it would rain, then play some more. Now, it’s raining all day or looking like it’s going to rain.
I’m a creature of habit and of course I try to mix things up a bit in my life now and again. One thing I try to be consistent on is my belief that anyone that wants to work on their relationship can and should whether it’s with me or not. So, when someone comes to me and I have the first session, I say the same thing over and over again which is, “I have the tools to help you, you’re going to have to have the willingness to accept help.” I get a lot of “okay, sounds good” and for the most part it works. I help people or they decide that they don’t want help. I really try to think about how I can help everyone that wants help and I’ve come up with a few ideas on what I have seen work and what doesn’t work.
WHAT WORKS
- Consistency- Making your relationship a priority is the way to make it work. When people come to me, their relationship is usually on the back burner. To make this work, you need to commit to a certain time frame and put your relationship first. When you don’t it doesn’t work.
- The relationship is right- I meet a lot of really great people and they have a really great idea. When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to hear and understand your partner’s point. If you cannot do that, then this relationship will always be tipped in one direction. Remember the relationship is right.
- You’ve worked through your past- If you’re getting upset with your partner about things that previous partners did, then you haven’t successfully worked through your past yet and you need to do that, or at least acknowledge it.
- Emotions are okay- If you’re going to be in a relationship, at some point you’ll need to lean on your partner for something or else that’s not really a partner. Talking about emotions is okay and necessary to work on building trust in your relationship.
NOPE, NO WAY, THIS DOESN’T WORK
- Secrets- Nope, these don’t work in a relationship. If you have them, you’re betraying your partner in some way. Keeping things from your partner doesn’t help them.
- Getting stuck- If you’re stuck on the same problem week after week, it’s hard to get unstuck. Remember, the relationship is right, not the individual.
- Overloaded- Not sure why we do this, but when we get overloaded we tend to take things out on the ones we love. As a couple, you get the added bonus of a partner to help you out. If you’re overloaded, that’s not going to work.
- Addictions/non-med compliant- It is really hard to love someone and watch them love something more than you and you can’t help it. In order to be in a relationship with anyone else, you need to be okay with who you are first. If you’re addicted to anything or not taking medications the way you should, it’s time to work on yourself first, relationship second.
There’s lots of reasons counseling works and equally lots of reasons it doesn’t. I can only help if you want to be helped. Some people do, I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful. Some people don’t and still stay together. And some people break-up. What you get from your counseling experience is up to you.
Remember, I have the skills to help you, but I can’t force you to accept my help.
Let me know if I’ve helped or not helped and what you’d like to be different. I’m always open to feedback and can’t wait to hear from you!
I’m angry! Are you?
Happy summer to you! I sometimes talk about myself in sessions and I always get looks of relief to know that yes, I get mad at my husband, my kids, my family and YES, I am human.
Here’s the trick to anger, at least for me. It’s really how you deal with it that is how you feel afterwards.
I’m kind of a sensitive person and I take things to heart. I’m also a giver and I love to make other people happy. I know these things about myself and I also know that I’m a yeller and my husband is the quiet one.
I really don’t like being the yeller in the family. If you meet me, you wouldn’t think I’m the yeller so you know what I did one day? I decided I wasn’t going to yell anymore! You ask me how I did that? I really didn’t like the way I felt after yelling was over. Besides the fact that my throat was hurting me, I really didn’t like who I was. Yes, I was a bit scary.
How do you change?
So, how do you change something about yourself when you want to? Let’s break it down.
Know thyself!
I couldn’t really do this if I didn’t understand why I was yelling. I could blame my husband for this because he’s the silent one and I need communication, but what good would that do. I had to really look deep into myself and figure out the reasons I was yelling. Once I did that, I was able to change the way I spoke when I got angry.
No blaming
As I just said, it’s so easy to blame someone else. “Well, if they would talk more, I wouldn’t yell so much.” Nope, no way, that’s not how it works. Nobody makes you do anything. If I want to change myself, I have to change myself. Changing the people around me is not going to work.
Less stress, more calm
I like to think I’m a calm person, but if I’m yelling, am I really a calm person? Nope. So what can I do to calm myself when I feel like yelling? I can exercise, take some deep breaths, read, or anything to calm me down instead of yelling.
Trial and error
Anytime you want to change something about yourself, it is tough stuff! Even if you know it’s good for you to do, give yourself some breaks, please. We are so hard on ourselves and we need to be gentle. If you mess up, try again. Eventually, you will get it if you work hard enough on it.
So, do I still get angry?
Of course I do, it’s part of life and I’m only human. Do I yell still? Not so much and I feel as if I’ve grown from it. Yes, it’s possible to evolve if you want to.
Do you want to change how you deal with anything? If so, give me a shout and let me know.
I’m right and you’re wrong!
How many times have you had the argument that you were right and all you were doing was trying to prove your point? I know I have and I’ve realized from being in a relationship for a while and all this training that I’ve done or who knows, maybe it’s just getting older and exhausted all the time, that WE ARE BOTH RIGHT!
Of course you are right about how you feel.
Of course your partner is right about how they feel.
The question is how do you compromise when you both are RIGHT, umm, drum roll please…
Here’s the real deal. You are in a relationship, so instead of thinking of it as “I need to win”, how about we change the language to “WE” NEED TO WIN. That’s really what it boils down to right? Who needs to be heard more?
Here’s how you both win.
- Listening is key- So if you two are just talking over each other, you cannot hear what the other one is saying. So take turns talking and listening and who knows, maybe you do agree after all, you’re just saying it in different ways.
- Temporary compromise– Okay, you’ve done the listening thing and you still don’t agree, then find some points that you do agree on and start there. There are usually a few points that you can both agree on, so use them as a starting point and talk about them.
- Passion and your core– Some people can just argue their point longer and better than their partner and usually the other one caves in. DON’T DO THIS PLEASE. Instead, find out which one of you cares more about the issue/situation and if you have any core beliefs related to it. If you do, talk about them first and even if you don’t agree, you can figure out what you’re passionate about. Hint-don’t be passionate about everything, pick your battles.
- Agree to disagree-This is different than giving in. You’re both passionate about your points, you both have core issues that you care about, but you love your partner and respect their feelings. So agree to disagree and move on!
The general point here is:
STOP AND LISTEN. STOP TRYING TO PROVE YOU ARE RIGHT.
Remember that you love your partner and you didn’t pick yourself. You picked someone that views the world differently than you, which is going to create conflict, different opinions on things. If you are able to listen to each other, you might realize that you are both right and not so different than you thought.
REMEMBER YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS RIGHT, NOT EACH OF YOU INDIVIDUALLY.
Friends, kids, relationship, oh my!
Who’s excited for summer to be here? Well I mean the end of the school year, not the scorching heat we already have here in Florida. I know I am and of course I’ll tell you why.
For me, summer means looser schedules, later nights and much more happiness all the way around. We do some camp for the kids, do a family vacation and do some lay low time. But what about summer that I LOVE the most!
I have more time for everything in my life!
I kinda realized this last summer that when there’s no homework, no sports or scheduled activities, and we have a set easier schedule, I can relax, take it easy and enjoy life more.
What does this have to do with the title anyways? Well, for the better part of the year I’m super busy being mom, wife, daughter, worker, friend and everything else that there’s always a choice I have to make on which one is more important.
How do we decide who gets our time and how it’s divided equally among all those parts?
I had someone tell me when I went from one girl to two and I was wondering how the heck I’m going to deal with it all, I was told, “Toddlers have wants and babies have needs.” Ah, that makes sense, deal with the baby first right? Well, not always. So I learned to decide who needed my time more and then just tended to that girl at the time.
Where’s “my” time in all of this. I’m going at a rate of 1000, doing for others so when do I slow down and do for myself? Um, some would say that you only do for yourself when you do for others and some would say do for yourself first then others (that might have gotten a laugh out of you). Seriously, who does for themselves? So, let’s break it down into what I would like for you.
Yourself
You cannot do for others if you have nothing left to give. Nurture yourself, watch the show, eat the ice cream, take the day to do nothing. Up to you what that means just do it enough so you feel as if you are rested and ready to go!
Partner
The next on the list is your partner because they came before the kids and became more important than your family when you got married (we can debate this one later of course!) Nurturing your relationship will keep you out of my office!! If you decide to come in, I’m going to help you realize you need to put the effort into yourself.
Good Friends
I use the word “good” here because if you’re doing something out of obligation say that you are being forced to go to a party, revert back to number 1 or even 2. Good friends will always be there no matter how much time you spend with them.
Children
Gosh, they can really take up all of your time if you are not careful. Just the worry alone can eat away at your time. Be a parent, teach, love, nurture when you are able to. Yes, you can hand the kids off to the partner to have a day, yes you can do the same for them. Children always have needs, needs, needs. Great thing is that they also have unconditional love so you can mess up and that’s okay, works both ways!!
Family
I’m talking about in-laws, your parents, siblings, etc. All of those people in your life before you met your partner and you had those children. Yes, there are times when you put them first, but not before your own family. When you committed yourself to your partner, you formed a family and that’s where your priorities are. Lots of people still put there extended family before their partner and if I can get you to just think about that today, i’m doing something right!!
It is exhausting being all these things to all these people.
I didn’t even talk about all the other obligations we have for ourselves including work. There’s so much to do all the time and the only way you will get it done is nurture the relationships as you see fit. Yes, don’t just agree with me. I’m seeing and telling you what I believe to be true. I know its hard but one things I do want you to agree on is putting yourself first. No, it’s not selfish, it’s “selfull!”
Do you put yourself first? Do you have time for others? Would love to hear how you prioritize all of the things in your life.
Let’s stick with the sticky stuff
Are you doing okay? Lots to read lately I’m sure. We recently had our spring break and we took a family vacation!!! I’m excited and the best part is that it was budgeted beforehand. Yep, that’s right we have a budget and we talk about our budget twice a month. It’s a hard thing to talk about, it’s sticky and annoying and easier just to spend money, but guess what? You need to talk about the sticky stuff or else you shouldn’t be doing it.
Let’s talk about the sticky stuff or at least what I get all the time as sticky stuff.
Money
Might as well start with this one because I was just talking about it. If you are spending it, living it, then talk about it. Have a budget even if you aren’t living within your means right now. Being about to talk about it does help and trust me, it gets easier!
Sex
Yep, that’s right, if you’re doing it, you need to talk about it. Find out what’s working, what you enjoy, what’s not working and if you’re both satisfied with the amount of sex in your life. If you’re not, talk about it, if you are, then great, keep at it!!
Parenting styles
I talk about this one from time to time. Isn’t it cute when you see your partner laughing with your kids when it’s bedtime? NOPE, it’s bedtime. Well, to you it might be bedtime but for your partner, it might be bonding time. Again, don’t get mad, talk about it, find a common balance that works for both of you. Trust me, you don’t want to be with someone that thinks like yourself, that’s why you’re with someone different. Trust those differences and find a common balance.
Extended family
Um, so your partner wants you to take care of them when they are sick? What, you remember as a child being left alone and that’s how you like it. Are you kidding me, your partner’s mom is coming over to take care of them when they’re sick. Okay, you get the point. If your families think differently, that’s okay because guess what, you get to make up the rules now. Remember all of those rituals of connections, talk about them, come up with your own rituals and leave the extended family as extended.
I’m going to stop there because I’m hoping by now you get my point. Anything and everything can and should be talked about. It’s the sticky things that really should be talked about because they are even harder to talk about.
Do you talk about the sticky situations?
How does that work out for you? Did I miss yours? Tell me about it and also share how you talk through it.
I’m always open to hearing things you want me to write about. If you have a topic, please feel free to email me jennifer@facetofacetherapy.com and share with me.
Workin’ for a livin’
Hope you’re well. We’re quickly approaching summer! Not sure about you, but it’s been super busy around here and I’m looking forward to the slower pace over the summer. We’ve had a lot of travel for work lately. My husband has had 3 business trips in the last 2 months and yes, I went to a Gottman Level 3 refresher course to get even more knowledge to help all of my couples!
That’s a lot of long distance time. I’ve been in a long distance relationship in the past and they are a struggle.
How do you manage when one or both of you is traveling for work?
Do you do the same rituals of connection that you do when you’re both home? It is easier or harder for you to stay connected?
For us, it’s much easier to stay connected when we’re both in the same house and staying connected has been a work in progress, but I can say that we have nailed it! I wanted to share some tidbits on what I believe works.
What’s Working
- Rituals of connections: Yes, it’s even more important to discuss about your day and work on those rituals while you’re away. Now is a good time to create new rituals to help you throughout the day to stay connected.
- Talk/FaceTime everyday: In the past it seemed more important for my husband to FaceTime with our children than with me. We lumped our talks together. Recently, we realized that talking to the kids was one thing, us chatting was another. Take some time and chat everyday. Even it is for a few minutes. But try to separate kid time and couples time if you can.
- Nighttime: Say goodnight to each other even if it’s through text or email. End the day and start the day with something to connect you. I know these are rituals but they’re the ones that I think are the most important.
- Expectations: Before the trip, talk about your and your partner’s expectations about what the distance means to both of you. Understand that your needs are coming from a place of love, not so much of the place of nagging. If knowing your partner is safe when they land, let them know. If knowing if your partner is back in their hotel room, let them know.
- Talk it out: If something is bothering you, figure out a good way to express it and talk it out. Waiting for your partner to return will only lead to the build up and who wants that!
- Love languages: Do you know what your love languages are? If you do, let’s make sure both of them are being honored while you’re apart from each other.
I thought I’ do the good and the bad
Yea, but I changed my mind. Let’s just focus on what you can do to stay connected if one of you are away. Remember how you stay connected when you’re at home and find something similar or create something completely new when you’re apart. Don’t wait until your partner gets home to unload on them. Stay connected and remember that your mental loads are both high. If you’re home, you’re taking care of everything here, if you’re away, you’re missing home and trying your best to do the best job you can do while you’re away.
And then come back together
Make sure you reconnect instead of just going about your business as usual. Enjoy this time apart and who knows, you can use it to flirt, connect and just have fun together!!
Happy traveling!!
Ps. If you have something else that works while your traveling, please share it with us so we can all learn from you!
Until next time!
PPS. if you don’t know your love languages and you want to take a quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Extended family, love ’em or leave ’em?
I’m always writing about things that I experience as well as things I find that will be helpful to you. There are a few phrases that I repeat over and over again and this is one of them, “When you become a couple everyone else is considered extended family.” What does this mean to you or even me? It becomes really simple when you think about an umbrella or even a roof over your head, walls around you and everyone else looking inside through a window. Yep. what does that mean in real life to you?
It means YOU always choose your partner
What are some ways to protect yourself from fighting about extended families or even feeling stressed because you’re being pulled in too many directions?
Let’s break it down here
Choose me
Life becomes simple when you don’t have a choice and you always know what to choose. Choosing your partner, your children over your parents, or siblings makes it easier to have a closer relationship with your partner.
Talk about it
If either of you are having a hard time with your family, your partner’s family or close friends, this is the ideal time to have one of those stress reducing conversations and put some points in the emotional bank. You have each other’s back for sure.
Back-to-back
When your partner is venting, it’s a great time to have their back. Meaning, don’t get upset with them, just listen, be supportive and hold your upset emotions in. If you get upset as well, then it WILL lead to a different conversation or even a fight.
Pick your battles
Let’s go back to the first rule about siding with your partner. This will be something that you both will have to decide. If you or your partner has a family member that is upsetting, decide together what to get into with them and figure out together how to deal with it.
Holidays
If holidays are fun for you with your families, great! If not, you both need to decide what it means to be a family and what you want to show your family.
Hear me now! IT IS OKAY TO SKIP HOLIDAYS.
I put that in caps because I didn’t want you to miss it. Enjoy your time with your family and your holidays should be enjoyable.
Does this make sense? If it does, then you need to work to figure out what part of this does, talk to your partner and decide together how to deal with it. Don’t make your partner the enemy. Don’t take out your frustrations on your partner because of your family.
REMEMBER TO CHOOSE YOUR PARTNER!
Spending, spending and more spending
| Just looking at this title make you cringe? It does for me for sure! Who is a “spender”? Who is a saver and who is in the middle? Do you know what your relationship with money is? There are people that make a career out of helping people identify their hang ups with money. Do you act the same way your parents did or do you do something different? Every couple that I work with (and I mean everyone one) has something to say about money. Which is a good thing because if you are similar with money, that’s okay. But if you’re different that’s okay as well! The only thing that’s not okay is staying silent about it.Let’s break down the okays and the not okays about money in your relationship. |
NOT OKAY
| Hiding things – I hear all sorts of people talk about how they hide purchases from their partner? Seriously, if you need to hide it, don’t buy it. Yes, it is a form of betrayal if you are buying things without your partner knowing about it. Coping – Are you mad at your partner for working too much? Do you think if you spend money that will make you happier? It might, but let’s make sure we are doing it for the right reasons. If you’re spending money out of spite, sit down and talk about it. Separation – Even reading that word is not okay right? It is okay to have separate accounts if that’s what you both want, if it’s not, then it’s not okay. Even if you have separate accounts and you’re married, they’re jointly owned. What’s not okay here is having secrets about your accounts. I didn’t say surprises. You can surprise your partner with a gift, but having a secret account that they don’t know about isn’t okay. Silence is so not golden here – If you can’t talk about it, then you shouldn’t be doing it! Even with separate accounts, you need to have a money talk at least 1x a month. Yes, you two need to sit down and talk about money. |
HOORARY, IT’S OKAY
| Spending more than you make – I put this here because it’s a fact of life. Life is expensive and if you’re spending more than you make, it’s okay as long as it is temporary, you have a plan to change it and you’re talking about it. Staying at home is a job! – If you are a worker and you quit your job to take care of your children and you think that isn’t a job, stop right NOW. It’s so a job and each year they come up with a stay at home salary. In 2018 the salary was $162,000 and in 2019 its $160,000. You get my point. You’re working and stop feeling like you aren’t. It’s okay to stay-at-home and it’s okay to spend money like you are working, yes it’s okay. Messing up – If you mess up, spend without talking about it, feel bad about spending, etc, call for a chat and talk about it. It can only be resolved if you two talk, so talk. |
Get the point?
| Mostly in the NOT OKAY category there are things where you hide stuff, in the OKAY category it’s mostly stuff that you talk about. Just talk about money please. I know it’s hard, I know its emotional but I promise the more you do it, the easier it will be!!! So just do it!! Let me know how you communicate about money!! |
It’s not me, perhaps it’s not you either
I get a ton of calls and emails about counseling and I’ve helped people out who aren’t a good fit for me. It gets a bit more complicated when you are looking for couple’s therapy and then the conversation goes a bit deeper.
Let’s see if we are a good fit to work together.
Not a Good Fit
- You are looking for someone that takes insurance – Okay, here’s my take on insurance. With any insurance company they need a diagnosis. Even if you are going to individual therapy, they will require a diagnosis. Who thinks there’s a diagnosis for couples’ therapy? There isn’t, but unfortunately, there still needs to be an identified patient and only one person gets billed. Nope, not what I’m into. I’ll happily help you submit your receipts to get reimbursed, but that’s up to you. I’ll also suggest if you want to use your insurance, look at your insurance panel for people in your network!
- If you are working on something that your not willing to share – I can only help you if you let me. If you hide things from me and hide things from yourself, then therapy will not be a good fit and I especially will not be a good fit.
- You’re not ready to change – Therapy only works if you want it to work. If you’re coming to make your partner happy or thinking they’ll change because you came, then it won’t work out for us.
Let’s Work Together
- Ready, set, go – You’ve done the work to accept that things need to be different and you’re willing to make changes in yourself.
- Regularity is the key – As with everything, the more you do it, the easier it is. Practice makes perfect. Why oh why do we not prioritize our own relationships and self-care? If you’re starting therapy, let’s make a commitment to set aside some time for it. It’s just an hour of your day and it’s so very cool when you’re present and ready to work!
- You’re ready but your partner isn’t – Being happy or even content in your life has nothing to do with anyone else. If you’re ready, pick up the phone and make an appointment. If you’re not, then don’t. If you’re waiting for the right time, I can tell you there is no right time. Let’s do this.
I’m interested helping, right?
There are a ton more reasons to work together than not. I’m only interested in helping people become better versions of themselves or remember why you fell in love with all those lovely quirks but now they annoy you.
When you make the decision to go to therapy, it should be a huge relief because now you have someone that can help you understand all those things that you don’t understand yourself. Shew, sounds good right. Hope so, let’s put the NOT’s aside and thing of the reasons to do this.
Look forward to connecting soon.
If you’re wondering if therapy is right for you, here’s a quiz to take https://www.facetofacetherapy.com/quiz/relationship-need-counseling