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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Managing Conflict
Would it be surprising to hear that conflict is not a bad thing?
For most couples, the word conflict is synonymous with arguments, tension, and feeling frustrated with one another. Unfortunately, for many couples, this is exactly what the word conflict translates to in their relationship. However, when conflict is managed the right way, it doesn’t have to lead to a screaming match. Getting into an argument does not mean that the relationship is toxic or dysfunctional. It only turns that way when there is a communication breakdown. Fortunately, learning how to manage conflict for a healthier relationship effectively is possible.
How To Engage In Healthy Conflict
Show respect – even while in conflict
One of the basic foundations of a relationship is respect. Yes, you might become frustrated with one another, but screaming matches don’t help anything. Insulting each other or name-calling is never okay, either. After all, when was the last time that either resulted in the conflict being resolved peacefully? When one or both of you feel disrespected in any way, it inevitably leads to more conflict and tension. This often leads to an argument about one thing turning into something else entirely. Before you speak, take a step back to think about if what you want to say will result in mutual understanding and resolution. If you aren’t sure, it will likely be best to leave it unspoken for now.
Shift your statements
We all want our opinions to be heard. We want the other person to understand our side and perspective. Unfortunately, most of us don’t know how to articulate this correctly. What this results in are statements that are focused on them and not you. You may consider using “I Statements (wikipedia link)“. For example, you might say, “You never care about what I have to say,” which can be seen as very accusatory. Instead, shift this statement to, “I just feel like you never take me seriously or listen to me when I talk.” Do you see the difference? The second statement expresses how you feel about the situation. You are still saying what you need to, but in a way that won’t immediately cause your partner to become defensive.
Own up to your mistakes
Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and have slip-ups. We all have misunderstandings and say things that we regret later on. It’s hard to admit when we are wrong. In conflict, howoften do we only focus on what our partner did or said? It’s uncomfortable for humans to admit they also played a role in the tension and conflict. Part of conflict resolution is admitting to each other that you made a mistake. Apologize for your words and actions and ask them to forgive you. As a team, you can then move forward while being able to leave it in the past.
Look at the bigger picture
It’s common for most couples to get into arguments about household responsibilities. Many don’t realize they aren’t arguing about the dishwasher not being unloaded or the laundry needing to be washed. When couples argue about household responsibilities, it’s often a sign of something else entirely. It’s just a small tip of the iceberg showing above the surface. You can learn to have healthier conflict by taking a step back and thinking about why else you are arguing. Are you stressed because of work and taking it out on each other? Do you feel as if, overall, your partner isn’t pulling their weight with the household responsibilities?
Nobody wants to intentionally causes arguments with their partner. Instead, many smaller issues often pile up that cause couples to find themselves in a cycle of conflict. If you are not communicating effectively with your partner, feel free to reach out for couples therapy. Together, we can help you learn to manage conflict so it no longer becomes a source of stress and tension between you.
Emotional Infidelity, What is it?
Your partner has been staying late at work for the last few months. You oversee a text message from their coworker – thanking them for “being there for them” this week. You think nothing of it until you start to add in other clues. Your partner has been growing distant. They continue to leave early and come home late, day after day. And at the Holiday party, someone mentioned their work spouse – a term you had not registered as anything more than workplace banter. Wait, is your partner having an affair?
Emotional infidelity is tricky to spot and difficult to acknowledge. At its core, infidelity assumes intimacy, but when an affair lacks physical intimacy or sexual conduct, it becomes emotional infidelity. These affairs can be as damaging as physical affairs because they violate a sense of reality in the non-offending partner. This violation can lead to relational trauma and deep mistrust within the relationship. If the partner has previous experience with infidelity, this can be devastating, leaving little to no room to move forward.
If you’re wondering how emotional infidelity might begin, look at these situations.
Work Wife/Work Husband
Emotional infidelity may show up in close working relationships. Often, individuals who work closely together may bond over the ups and downs of their workplace or a rogue boss. An emotional affair starts when these individuals rely on one another for emotional support and non-sexual needs. This need for emotional support applies to other situations as well.
Online Relationships
Many find online relationships start as emotional, partly due to a lack of proximity or opportunity for physical relationships. In apps and online games, individuals may find the support they need in a difficult time on the other side of the screen. These online relationships are not the only friendship that can cross the line.
Close Friends
Friendships that cross the emotional boundary are not always outside of everyday life. You may find that friends become emotional stand-ins for a significant other. These relationships continue through deep connections that are not happening in primary relationships.
Signs of Emotional Infidelity
Emotional infidelity is covert and not entirely obvious. These signs may not cause concern when independent of one another. Together, however, another story is told:
- Defensiveness when your partner is confronted.
- Deleted texts or emails/ deleted search history.
- Code Names in phone
- Lying
- Declines in intimacy.
- Partner confides with others about your relationship.
- Substantial time away from home & primary relationship- long nights at work, spending extra time online, etc.
The Impact of Emotional Infidelity
Infidelity can elicit a host of internalized questions about you. And yet, it likely has very little to do with you. Still, your mind may wander to your part in this. Be honest with yourself- your partner has become involved with someone else. Take time to investigate your needs. Can your current relationships continue with the emotional affair ongoing? What do you need to know or be sure of? And finally, who is your support system? You may find the help you need through a grief group or a with a mental health counselor. Even a trusted friend may speak volumes to what you’re going through. Regardless, this is a devastating experience—be gentle with yourself.
If you have yet to unpack the depths of this infidelity, enlist the help of a professional. Therapists can help you sort through your experience and provide tools to regulate your emotions. Couples counselors may even work with both of you to help reinstate the violated sense of trust. Ultimately, you must decide your next move and a good therapist will honor your choice. Reach out to us to learn more about therapy for betrayal trauma.
Should I Like That Post or Keep Scrolling?
Happy summertime! Are you finding any more time in your schedule to relax? Are your kids in camp or at home driving you crazy already? Summer is a more relaxed time in our house and in between camps and free time, everyone has a bit more time on their hands.
I hear from people all the time about social media, someone is on it too much, someone doesn’t like it at all, screen time was up this week etc etc. Is there anything wrong with spending your down time on social media? Well, that all depends on what you are doing there and how much you trust each other.
Let’s talk about John and Sue
John uses insta for his business and feels it’s the best way to connect with his customers. So John is on insta a lot for business and Sue is okay with that until she happens to find his phone and then realize he is liking pictures that really have nothing to do with his business and he is chatting with other girls on insta.
Well, Sue is livid and John is trying to understand what he did wrong? Did he do anything wrong…… Um, the bottom line with trust is just that, TRUST is the core that keeps a relationship together and you have it until you don’t.
John still really doesn’t understand what he did wrong and keeps defending his actions, he didn’t cheat, didn’t meet with anyone, definitely didn’t have sex with anyone, just hit like on a few bikini pictures. Sue is trying to explain to John that hitting like on those pictures has nothing to do with his business and everything to do with how he feels about the picture.
Okay, John kind of gets it but now Sue doesn’t want John on insta and doesn’t trust him anymore and he is losing business because he just cancels his insta account.
Do you want to know what happens?
All of this has to do with trust and John and Sue had to work on repairing trust in their relationship. John got some individual counseling and realized that he has some attachment issues and didn’t want to get too close to Sue. In couples counseling John and Sue had to find forgiveness and look at the cracks in their relationship to repair and find new ways to connect.
Can trust be repaired?
The short answer is YES! It’s hard and it’s not for everyone. When you’re betrayed, it hurts. When your partner doesn’t understand what they did was betrayal, that hurts even more.
What can you do?
Each relationship needs to define trust. John and Sue definitely had to talk about the boundaries of their relationship and work on rebuilding trust.
Have some open conversations. If I did this, would you be upset? Figure out where your boundaries are before it leads to betrayal.
Let’s Talk Betrayal
As you already know, I am a couple’s counselor and I’ve seen such a shift in what the word betrayal means and how trust breaks down. It’s become a passion of mine to help couples understand that:
- You can repair your relationship after a betrayal and
- Breaking trust is breaking trust.
Your relationship defines what that means so if you feel as if you have been betrayed then guess what? You are correct!
Let’s break down some areas of betrayal that most people think are okay but in reality they aren’t.
- Porn – This one is okay as long as your partner knows what you are doing and doesn’t feel neglected because of you watching porn. If it is a secret then you are breaking trust by not sharing and um…. Why does it need to be a secret anyways?
- Social Media – This again can be innocent or not depending on how you are viewing things. If you are liking posts that your partner wouldn’t necessarily want you liking, yep that’s NOT okay. If you’re posting pictures of your family, your trips, etc yep that’s okay.
- Money – Yep, if i hear someone say that oh I bought something but have to hide it from my partner, the trust is broken. Don’t hide, just say it loud and clear!
- Friendships – If you have to hide your friendship for any reason, then there might be something that is going to happen. Better be open about who you are talking with and how often you are talking to them.
The gist of these things is that when you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then you are potentially breaking trust. Just learn to share even if it is hard. If you feel that you’re doing something that will hurt your partner if they find out and that is the reason you are not sharing, well then you will eventually hurt your partner anyways.
Trust = Communication
– I can’t say that loud enough, so I will say it again
Trust = Communication
Let’s not have any misconception of values and intentions. Be open and honest and then we don’t have to worry about small betrayals leading to breaking trust.
Summer Lovin’
Are you almost done with the school year? We might have 12 days left but who’s counting right? Are you looking forward to shutting off the alarms for that early wake-up or still waking up just not for anyone else but yourself? Are your after school activities and weekends suddenly look like a normal day and not jam packed with a thousand activities.
Yes, and how’s your relationship going? Are you still making time for yourself or with the mad rush to finish school, work, you are just getting by? Well, now that the pace is about to slow down, complaining less, and thankfully NO homework summer, can you find some time to reconnect as a couple?
I know that life is crazy busy all the time and there needs to be connecting with your partner everyday so if you have gotten off track, let’s figure out some things you can do together to reconnect this summer.
- Date night — Um, obvious right? Not if you’re crazy busy. And I’m all for hanging out with friends but to me a date is just the two of you either at home or out.
- Bucket List — How about you sit down and talk about your dreams, life goals and things you want to do together. I don’t mean as a family, I mean as a couple. Set some time to do some dream talking.
- Chores — With the pace slower, let’s talk about who is doing what, how it’s going and does anything need to change? We can always do this and most importantly, if those children are around, have them help out!
- Rituals of Connection — I have always thought it was important to have rituals to connect as a couple. How are you doing? If you got off track, then put a few back into place in order to get that summer lovin’ in place!
- Talking — This can be a ritual or it can be a nightly routine but let’s get back to talking about your day and how you are doing.
- Meals — Now that the schedules are clearer, are you able to sit down and have a meal together? If everyday is a challenge, try for one night a week!
I am in the thick of it with school schedules and I am very much looking forward to summer and all the exciting things we have planned. If you got off track with your goals, just remember that it only takes one conversation to get back on track!
Go ahead and start that conversation today!
Gratitude
How’s everyone doing? Who’s handling this well and who’s ready for a break? We started online learning this week and to say it’s been an adjustment is a nice way to say it!! So, what should we talk about today and this week? I have been thinking a lot about gratitude and ways to stay connected, especially those rituals of connection. It is so easy to lose sight of what’s important right now, but of course I believe it is even more important to remember. So, here’s my list of what I am grateful for today!
- My health– I am being super careful and following stay at home orders so I am healthy.
- Family– We have been spending some quality time together and we have been exercising as a family which has been great for all of us.
- My relationships-I am staying connected to the people that mean something for me and I am working hard at staying connected as a couple at this time.
- Patience– Not sure how I would be getting through this without patience and understanding of what is really important in this world.
- Stress reducing conversations– This is high on the list of rituals that are being done everyday. As a couple, we are working to talk about our stress and not taking it out on each other.
- At home dates– I know this might sound hard, but it’s really as easy as lighting some candles, having some tea or drink, talking, playing a game or something more! Whatever you decide to do, make sure you put those distractions away while you do it.
- Forgiveness- Most importantly, I’m being kind to myself and forgiving my mistakes right now, checking in with myself and making sure I know I’m doing the best I can!
Each night, I go through what worked, what didn’t work and what I can improve on tomorrow. In the morning, I can luckily reset from the night before and work on doing better today. Life is just like that, it gives us a reset everyday. Let’s not harbor on what went wrong yesterday, let’s work on what went right and how we can continue to improve on what went right today!
I’m thankful that I get to do what I love and I’m looking forward to hearing from you on what you are finding grateful during this new time in our lives. Hit me up and tell me how you are doing. I really do what to know and let me know if I can support you in any way during this new time.
Hopefully, at least a few of my words were helpful to you and you can find a reset each day to learn how to forgive and learn more and more until next time.
Remember it’s all a work in progress!
At-home Life
How are you doing? I’m hoping you’re well and surviving this “new normal” that we’re all trying to figure out. Are we surviving? Of course, but are we figuring out how to stay connected during these times?
Staying Connected?
Who is using their rituals of connections? Have you figured out a way to continue your rituals while you’re social distancing? Or are you social distancing from each other? If it’s the first one great, please share what you are doing. But if it’s the latter, then let’s talk about what you can/should be doing at this time.
First off, you should know that I’m offering online counseling so if you feel you need to reach out to set up a session, let’s do it and get you two back on track. Besides that, here are some tips to help during this time!
- Greetings– Set up 5 minutes in the am where you check in with each other, coordinate schedules and hopefully meet up for lunch!
- Tag out- Kids driving you crazy? Talk about it, tag out and let the other parent take over. I know it’s a tough time right now, continue to talk about it.
- Dates- Now more than ever it’s time to laugh, spend time together and connect. Yes, it will be at home, but even better to find connections at home!
- Routines- Need one, stick to one and continue to have a routine every day. If you’re homeschooling, working and trying to do it all, then let’s talk and figure out a routine for you that works.
- Check-ins- It is so important right now to check in with each other and make sure you’re not taking your frustrations out on each other. Make sure your frustrations are in check and if you do lash out, just recognize it and say your sorry before your partner gets too upset.
- Connection rituals– Whether it’s cards, eating together, watching a show, find some time to be alone with each other and connect every day!
Okay, I’m going to stop now because as I stated, this is uncharted territory and we are learning as we go. This is going to go on for a while and I wanted to check in to make sure everyone is okay, handling things and working through what you need to work through.
We’re in this together
Remember, we’re going through this together so let’s be kind to ourselves and others by socially distancing while staying connected!
Please check in and let me know how you’re doing. I really want to know. If you’re needing a session and want to do something online, we can do that easy peasy.
Take care for now!
It’s time to start over!
How are you? I’m getting ready for fall and I know when Halloween comes, the end of the year will be here in a snap.
Whether you celebrate the Jewish holidays or not, I would like to say Happy New Year. If you know what I’m talking about, have you figured out what you want to bring into the New Year and what you want to leave out?
For those that don’t know about the Jewish Holidays, let me explain how Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur work.
Basically, you get a reset button on all the “not so good” stuff you did last year. For one day, Yom Kippur, you fast and then all of your mistakes are forgiven. Sounds good, right?
Well, if only it was that easy to forgive your partner, right?
What if it is?
What if one day you decide to look for the good in your partner instead of the bad? What if you’re only going to remind yourself about why you fell in love with your partner today and everyday!
Wondering how? Try these.
I appreciate-
Everyday for a week, sit down and say 5 things you appreciate about your partner and then listen to them say it to you.
Stress reducing conversations–
After you say what you appreciate, talk about something that is bothering you and have your partner listen and then switch sides.
Rituals of connection–
How are you doing on your rituals? If you aren’t doing them anymore, how about starting them up again.
Love maps–
How well do you know each other’s world? Sit down and talk about your love maps and see how well you know each other.
Okay, all fixed?
Of course not. There’s going to have to be a mindset switch from negative to positive. Are you getting your needs met by your partner? If not, talk to them and figure out what needs to change. Yes, you’re both great parents, children, aunts and uncles but what about just focusing on being a great partner!
I’m going to use this time to make some changes for the positive and I hope you do as well!
Looking forward to hearing about the changes you decided to make!
Let’s talk… I mean text
How’s everyone doing? Very sorry I have been MIA with writing, has been a busy few weeks. I hope everyone is doing well and we can talk about how I learned a few things recently.
Firstly, I got my oldest a phone which is something I really didn’t think I would do for a few years. She is turning 10 and she is ready. The real question remains if I am ready. She will not have social media on her phone but we added a new way for her to communicate to us when she’s not around!
Even before I got her the phone I’ve been thinking about technology and I have realized something about it that I haven’t before. Yes, I’m always learning new things!!
I realized that I say technology is bad for relationships but I’m going to amend this and say it’s only bad if you do it separately.
When you use technology to get closer, I’m all in. So let’s look at some ways technology can help your relationship.
Check ins
How are your rituals going? Are you doing your morning check ins? If so are you checking in with each other throughout the day? If not, sending a quick text throughout the day can spruce the fire, send an emoji or “I love you.”
e-cards
As with other rituals, no need to wait to send an ecard, lot’s of them out there to show you care, a kiss one, hug one, or just a wink, send it for no reason!
Reservations
Is it your turn to ask your partner out on a date? If so, send an evite and make a reservation to follow up! Have fun on your date!
Facetiming
If you can’t make time during the day, how about a face-time lunch? Can’t think of a better use of technology than that!
Safety
Do you like it when you know your partner is safe? It’s not checking up if they send you a quick, “I’m here now.” Always good to let someone know your coming home as well!
You Got This!
As with everything, make this list your own and use technology to your advantage! Have fun, flirt and use technology to your advantage.
How are you doing with your rituals? Do you have rituals of connections?
Let me know how you are doing and if you have any fun ideas on how to stay connected!
Is it really over?
How has your summer been? Are you finding time to connect? Is life as crazy as ever or do you find more time to spend together? I’m hoping that its finding more time to spend together!
If you are spending more time together, is it fun? Are you arguing more? Do you notice that you have the same arguments about the same few things?
No, I’m not a mind reader, but most of us do this (Yes, me included.) When you are with someone, you inherit their problems, well there are problems to you and might not be to them. Regardless it makes you fight and when you do fight, how do you know that fight is completely done? Umm, not sure? Let’s talk about it.
I talk a lot about triggers with my couples and your core and what is really important to you. Meaning what will get you to fight and what can you let go? For me, it’s a lot about respect and feeling cherished. If I’m feeling those two things then I can let others go. If I’m not, then it seems as if the nit picking is through the roof!
So, how do you know that a fight is truly behind you?
Just the facts
Can you agree to just agree on this one? Are you sure? If your giving in, that’s not the same as agreeing so if you’re calm and talking about facts that’s a good sign!
Code words
Love can be complicated for sure and that includes fighting. If you have repeat fights over and over again, how about you come up with a code word to alert each other when that’s happening. Start to notice when you get into that pattern.
All the triggers
Once you know your triggers, you can figure out what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong. Remember it’s all within you. Your partner is not making you upset, you’re upset about something. Keep a record of what upsets you and try to be mindful of them.
Calm talking
Once you both have calmed down, sit down and talking about what happened. Talk about emotions, your perspective, your triggers, how you can take responsibility and what you are sorry about. Doing this whole process will help you truly move past this incident.
Is this easy?
Nope, no way, no how and nada. Truly moving past an argument that you have time and time again will help you learn how to work on the good stuff, stay connected and want to spend more quality time with each other!