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Author Archives: Dr. Lagrotte
Relationship Burnout: What It Is & How To Overcome It – 3-1
When we hear the word burnout, we often think about work and life. We feel burned out from our stressful jobs, busy schedules after work, and everything in between. The stress and exhaustion come from just trying to stay afloat and balanced.
Many people haven’t heard of burnout in terms of our relationships. However, it’s a concept that many will be familiar with. In fact, at some point, many relationships will experience burnout. Even though relationship burnout comes with many challenges, the good news is that it can be overcome.
What Is Relationship Burnout?
Relationship burnout refers to the chronic stress that occurs between two people. This stress often places a shadow on the couple, causing more tension and conflict.
Signs of Relationship Burnout
There are many different signs of relationship burnout that a couple can experience. Burnout is often felt, but neither partner always realizes it is occurring.
1. Constant Fighting
A telltale sign of relationship burnout is if a couple constantly argues. While all couples will fight, there comes a point when it is considered unhealthy. Whereas in the past, conflict was quickly resolved and moved on from, it might seem that now conflict creates more distance between you.
2. Feeling Disconnected
If you aren’t spending as much time together, or when you do, there’s no emotional intimacy, it might be a sign of relationship burnout. Feeling disconnected from our partners will inevitably happen. However, when these feelings of disconnection continue, it can point to a larger issue at play.
3. Are You More Critical of Each Other?
Does it seem as if you are constantly correcting each other? Or, no matter what you try, it just isn’t enough for them? Maybe you are making small jabs at each other or saying disrespectful things in the heat of the moment. These negative comments are often a manifestation of relationship burnout trying to come to the surface.
4. Shutting Each Other Out
Another classic sign of relationship burnout is completely icing each other out. At some point, all the arguing, conflict, and tension between you two comes to an ugly peak. Inevitably, someone will often break down and completely withdraw from their partner. They no longer want to try to deal with the tension and stress that comes from the relationship. When this occurs, it’s the mind’s way of saying, “This is enough, and something needs to change.” Unfortunately, going about how to change this isn’t that clear, so it can be “easier” to just shut each other out for the time being.
Can You Recover From Relationship Burnout?
Absolutely. Relationship burnout will inevitably happen, but that doesn’t mean you must stay stuck in that maladaptive cycle.
Talk to your partner. Start with the basics when you are stuck in a cycle of not understanding each other. What are the needs and wants of your relationship together? What do you need your partner to do to feel seen, heard, safe, and loved? While it’s uncomfortable to talk about our relationships, it’s a necessary step to fostering a stronger connection with each other.
When you talk to your partner, use “I” statements. These statements should describe how you feel about a situation and are not to place blame or criticism on your partner. “I feel as if you don’t listen to me when I am talking to you.” vs. “You never listen to what I have to say!” are two similar statements, but their meaning differs.
Spend quality time with each other again. Life gets busy, and we feel burned out from that alone. However, we must commit to spending quality time with our partners. Go out on a date, or have a date night-in. Even spending 20 minutes in the evening just talking can help you strengthen your connection.
Relationship burnout can happen for many reasons, but it can be overcome with commitment from both people to turn things around. If you recognize signs of burnout in your relationship, don’t hesitate to learn more about couples therapy.
How to Be More Intimate with Your Partner
When most people hear the word intimacy, their mind first goes to the physical aspects of a relationship. While physical intimacy is important in a relationship, there are more ways to be intimate with your partner than just that.
Maybe things haven’t felt right for a while in your relationship. You might feel distant from your spouse or partner as if you aren’t connecting meaningfully. Or, there may have been a situation resulting in a loss of trust, and now you can’t find common ground again.
Whatever the reasoning, loss of intimacy in a relationship is normal. While it’s challenging, many couples will notice an ebb and flow to their relationship and overall health. However, that does not mean there aren’t ways to let yourself be intimate with your partner.
What Is Intimacy?
First, let’s define the different types of intimacy in a relationship. A couple will have two main areas of intimacy — physical and emotional. Physical intimacy, of course, can refer to things like sex, hugging, kissing, or even something as simple as holding hands.
Emotional intimacy is just as important as those things, however. It includes the connection you feel with another person, how well you relate to them, and the amount of trust, understanding, and honesty within a relationship.
How to Increase Intimacy In A Relationship
Change Things Up
There likely isn’t a couple who hasn’t fallen into the same cycle with their partner. Over time, you stick to the same routine that you are used to. You go to the same places for date night, cook the same things for dinner, or spend your time together in the same ways.
Don’t be afraid to shake things up. Are routines comfortable and safe? You know what to expect, and humans like to know that. But don’t feel shy about changing things up, whether in the bedroom or in general. Try new activities or hobbies together that might seem interesting. Try that new restaurant in town that you typically wouldn’t think about going to.
In many ways, doing something new with your partner can help you feel the spark again. They do say, after all, to never stop dating your partner.
Show Each Other Gratitude
At the beginning of your relationship, you likely spent plenty of time appreciating your partner. Over time, many couples will slowly stop showing their appreciation for each other. It’s not that they don’t; you just tend to forget to. You may know you appreciate them, but do you think they know that?
Remind each other of your appreciation. Thank each other for the little things, like taking out the garbage or unloading the dishwasher. Thank them for cooking dinner or doing something for you that took time out of their day.
Doing these little things can go a long way in bringing back intimacy into your lives.
Communicate With Each Other
This may seem like a given, but it often is not that easy. It’s not uncommon for one partner to assume that the other knows how they feel. Or that they know their thought process or reasoning behind a certain action. You should never make assumptions that your partner will automatically know something. That is why communication is vital, whether you have been together for 2 years or 22.
Be sure that you treat one another with respect when communicating. Yes, there are going to be disagreements. There will be times when you honestly can’t stand to be in the same room as them. However, remember this is the person you are choosing to be with.
Treating each other with respect, openly communicating, and being honest with each other can help you feel more connected at the end of the day.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to learn more about couples therapy. You can get to the root cause of what is happening in your relationship to cause a lack of intimacy and, most importantly, find ways to repair it.
What is Financial Infidelity?
When someone thinks of the word infidelity, their first thoughts often travel to having a physical affair with someone. While this might be the first thing that pops into your mind, it isn’t the only form of infidelity that someone can commit. In fact, there are several others, including emotional infidelity and financial infidelity.
Financial infidelity is more common than you might believe. After all, they say that one of the main reasons couples argue is due to financial stressors in their relationship. Many signs of financial infidelity often go unnoticed by the other partner. While financial infidelity is not often discussed in society, it is a pervasive problem in some relationships.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
First, it should be noted that unnecessary spending or poor budgeting habits do not necessarily mean financial infidelity is being committed. Instead, financial infidelity is when someone is being untruthful or secretive about financial aspects of their life. This can be especially problematic for couples who share bank accounts, but all couples can suffer the consequences because of it.
Many consequences can result from financial infidelity. One of the biggest ones is that it impacts the relationship itself. Regardless of what they are about, secrets can be a root cause of tension and stress in a relationship. Secondly, when there are secrets regarding finances, it can cause the person hiding this big secret to continue to spiral out of control.
Signs of Financial Infidelity
While there are a variety of signs of financial infidelity, the following list highlights the most common ones that people can experience.
Secretive Spending Habits
As we said above, financial infidelity does not necessarily mean someone has poor spending habits. However, it becomes a sign of financial infidelity if someone is hiding these spending habits. They might have a shopping addiction that causes them to hide their purchases from their partner. Or, they may have a deeper problem, such as gambling.
Extra Income Is Hidden
Let’s face it: we all are likely working extra hustles or overtime to make ends meet. It’s one thing to make extra income to help ease the financial burden or as a way to surprise your partner with a gift or a big trip. However, hiding additional funds from your partner can be seen as a sign of financial infidelity. This becomes a problem when money is concealed with the purpose of using it for things someone doesn’t want their spouse to know about.
Lying About Spending Habits With Shared Bank Accounts
It’s common for many long-term or married couples to share bank accounts when they are living with each other. After all, it makes it much easier to handle shared expenses such as mortgages, rent, or utilities if you pay for everything out of one bank account.
Oftentimes, one person is mainly in charge of handling these shared bank accounts, generally speaking. If the person in charge of the finances isn’t truthful about spending, that is a major violation of trust.
How To Deal With Financial Infidelity
While financial infidelity is hard to deal with, it is possible to move on from it. If you are a person who is being secretive about money, the first step is to bring it out to the open. Do you want to do that? Likely not, as there are probably feelings of shame, guilt, or not thinking it’s a big deal. But, financial infidelity, in many ways, can be a sign of a deeper-rooted issue within the relationship as well as your individual self.
If you are interested in learning more about emotional infidelity or couples therapy, reach out to learn more.
Healthy Conflict Can Create a Healthy Relationship
Healthy conflict seems like an oxymoron. After all, how can any type of conflict be good? While it may seem odd to say it, conflict in a relationship can be a good thing! You just need to know how to do it right.
Even though you and your partner mesh well and may share similar interests or hobbies, you are still two individual people. You may have a life together, but you also have your own things going on, such as careers or other obligations. Factoring all of this in, not knowing how to communicate with each other can be a recipe for disaster. All couples face these issues, especially the longer they are together.
If you are tired of repeating the same arguments and tension cycles, healthy conflict can create a better relationship. Here’s how to start.
How To Have Healthy Conflict In A Relationship
Be Honest, But Not Cruel
Let’s face it: we all experience times when our partner frustrates us. They may do or say things we wish they wouldn’t, or don’t, for that matter. We get into little arguments over seemingly pointless and dumb stuff that really doesn’t matter.
When facing stress and tension in our lives, we often blurt out how we feel or what we think about a certain situation. While you should always be honest with each other, there are better ways to go about it.
It may seem elementary to say this, but think before you speak. Instead of saying the first thing that comes to your mind, pause and ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to help the situation? How will my partner take this? Am I speaking from a place of honesty or anger?”
Listen Without Needing to Speak
We all want to be seen and heard by the people in our lives. Keep this in mind: your partner feels the same exact way. While you are in a discussion about something or disagreeing, listen to them and resist the urge to speak. That means trying not to interrupt them until they are finished.
You should still try to give cues that you are listening, such as nodding your head or even saying something like, “I understand.” But you should only interject if what you are going to say shows you are really listening. You’ll have time to say what you need to say!
Not interrupting each other can help conflict stay healthy instead of a screaming match when you are just talking over one another.
Treat Each Other With Respect
When communicating with each other, remember that you should always be respectful towards your partner in how you speak to them. That means you should avoid things like name-calling, belittling, or blaming them outright.
Shifting your language can also go a long way to ensure conflict stays healthy. For instance, your instinct may be to say something like, “You never listen to me!” Here, this can come off as accusatory and may cause them to become defensive. Instead, switch the language so it expresses how you feel. “I feel as if you haven’t been listening to me lately.” It is saying the same thing, essentially, but the approach is less accusatory.
How Therapy Can Help
It’s not easy to admit that you or your relationship is struggling. If we’re being honest, every relationship goes through ebbs and flows that test it. With that said, though, if you are finding yourselves in a toxic cycle of arguing, don’t be afraid to reach out for help through couples therapy or marriage counseling.
You can learn effective communication skills while getting to the root cause of the most tension and stress in your relationship.
Secrets and Suprises
We are in the home stretch of the year!
Hello, December, and how are you doing? Did you do any stuffing for Thanksgiving or did you just eat yummy food? I hope it was more about eating than stuffing your feelings because this month is another time that can either be great or so/so. So let’s talk about the holidays coming up and of course, we will talk about your relationship.
Are you done with your holiday shopping, just getting started, or somewhere in the middle? The holidays are almost here and whatever you celebrate, you should enjoy your time right?
Are you the one who buys the gifts?
If so, do you share with your partner what gifts you get or do you keep them a surprise? That’s what we’re talking about here, the idea that surprises are exciting but secrets not so much. So, let’s talk about the difference and how we can avoid keeping secrets in our relationship.
Are some secrets Okay?
I just gave you an example of a surprise right? If you are keeping your presents from each other and excited to share when it’s time to open them, that’s great! It shows genuine affection to get your partner a gift in your relationship and get all giddy on your partner opening your gift. You can do surprises in other ways, such as date nights (you are doing dates correct?) If you like to keep the element of surprise in your romance go for it, if you need more of a plan then that’s okay as well. Now we know what can stay a secret right?
What’s not okay to keep a secret?
Um, anything else. What do I mean? Well, what should we share with our partner? If you ask me, the answer is everything but I’m realistic and I know there are some things that you still need to keep to yourself, but I need you to ask yourself why do you want to keep this from your partner. Will it hurt them or you? Do you feel embarrassed by what you are keeping to yourself, even if you are keeping your stress to yourself that is way too much?
In marriage and/or long-term relationships, your partner is your ally and should be on the same team when it comes to how you feel. Okay, if you like different sports teams then for one day it’s okay to route for your team! At least make it fun for yourself and enjoy the back and forth about your teams and make sure you come together afterwards and work on reconnecting.
How do you start sharing everything?
Ah, the big T words are what this is about. Trust, Trust, and more trust. You need to be able to be vulnerable with each other to share anything. If I know my partner will be mad at the amount of gifts I bought my family for the holidays, I might be tempted to keep the amount from him (yes that’s a secret). If he asks how much I spent, do I get defensive and wonder why he is asking or just know he is just curious? Okay, here is where trust comes in. Have you talked about this before? Do you feel guilty about how much you have spent? If so you might get upset with him asking, but in reality, you should be able to talk about this and everything.
So, are you keeping secrets and/or surprises from your partner? If so, let’s figure out how to make those conversations easier so you want to share them with your partner.
Sweeping or Vacuuming?
Do you like to clean? Ugh have to admit, I kinda despise it. But I enjoy an organized house, not so much the deep cleaning. So you ask why am I talking about cleaning in my couple’s counseling blog? Well who has heard the term:
Let’s just sweep it under the rug
I meet way too many people in therapy that just do that and unfortunately I meet them when there isn’t any room under that rug. How much room do you still have left under that rug? Do you sweep things away for a later date?
People with attention problems know that when you leave something for later, you rarely go back to it. In couples counseling, you can always go back and try to work on what isn’t working. You swept it under the rug and now it’s time to deal with it. I bet there are some of the same issues 15 years ago that there are today so you don’t have to pick up the rug because the problems just keep on recycling.
What do people say?
What are some catch phrases that I have heard over the years about the rug?
“Oh, we just wanted to wait until the little ones were older.”
“Working on our careers and putting our relationship on the backburner.”
“When problems arise, just throw money at it, and forget it.”
“All couples have problems so we will just accept that this is the way it should be.”
Regardless of the reason you aren’t dealing with your problems, and you talk to me, we can talk it through. Couples counseling is a great way to work through your problems especially if you feel stuck or that rug is overflowing. I don’t care about all the problems, I care if you want to work on your relationship, is that spark there or are you already done? If you’re done, that rug won but if you still want to work, then let’s do the hard work.
Ready to talk?
Whether you like to clean or not, relationships take work and lots of communication. If you don’t know how to communicate and just push things aside, learning can help you with figuring out how to deal with conflict. You don’t have to fix everything but you need to learn to communicate and work on fighting and especially making up. Because what’s the point of fighting over the same stuff if you’re not going to move forward.
So, how big is the pile under your rug? Let’s hear about it and start to make that pile smaller by talking through some of those conflicts in the therapy room.
Betrayal
I have seen such a shift in what the word betrayal means and how trust is broken down. It has definitely become a passion of mine to help couples understand that:
- You can repair your relationship after a betrayal and;
- Breaking trust is breaking trust. Your relationship defines what that means so if you feel as if you have been betrayed then guess what? You are correct.
Let’s break down some areas of betrayal that most people think are okay but in reality they aren’t.
- Porn– This one is okay as long as your partner knows what you are doing and doesn’t feel neglected because of you watching porn. If it is a secret then you are breaking trust by not sharing and um…. Why does it need to be a secret anyways?
- Social Media– This again can be innocent or not depending on how you are viewing things. If you are liking posts that your partner wouldn’t necessarily want you liking, yep that’s NOT okay. If you’re posting pictures of your family, your trips, etc yep that’s okay.
- Money– Yep, if i hear someone say that oh I bought something but have to hide it from my partner, the trust is broken. Don’t hide, just say it loud and clear!
- Friendships– If you have to hide your friendship for any reason, then there might be something that is going to happen. Better be open about who you are talking with and how often you are talking to them.
The gist of these things is that when you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, then you are potentially breaking trust. Just learn to share even if it is hard. If you feel that you’re doing something that will hurt your partner if they find out and that is the reason you are not sharing, well then you will eventually hurt your partner anyways.
Trust = Communication
I can’t say that loud enough, so I will say it again Trust=Communication.
Let’s not have any miss conception of values and intentions. Be open and honest and then we don’t have to worry about small betrayals leading to breaking trust.
Your bed or mine?
As school starts again and summer winds down I am thinking to myself how to answer the question if sleeping in the same bedroom or apart is better for a relationship. Sometimes it can be beneficial to both partners to sleep in separate bedrooms then again learning how to compromise on differences and come together to share a bed is what a marriage is based on right? Seems as if both sides of the conversation have merit so let’s break it down.
Pros to sleeping in the same bed
Till death do us part. That is what they say in the marriage vows. The good and the bad are in there as well isn’t it? If so, then shouldn’t sleeping in the same bedroom just make sense? Some of the reasons that I see as it can benefit a relationship are.
- You can learn to compromise- So much of marriage is compromise and sharing a bed is at the top of the list. You need to be okay with snoring, rolling around, making noises and so much more.
- It can help you stay connected- Yup you’re busy and don’t have a lot of time to spend together so you take advantage of pillow talk/sharing at night, maybe even some sex because you’re attracted to your partner. Being in the same bed helps you physically connect with your partner.
- Saves space- Well this one is easy because if you don’t have the space to sleep in separate bedrooms then you have to learn to share so share you do!
Pros to sleeping in separate beds
- Getting a good night’s sleep- Yup so important. You can find other ways to connect if you’re not sleeping in the same bed, especially if you are well-rested.
- Less to fight about- Ah who needs to fight when they are well rested? If your partner is loud, snores or has different sleep patterns than you, then you don’t have to worry about them. Just say goodnight and I love you and get your zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
- Just need a break- If you need a break from your partner and saying it is so much better than not. Be honest, say how you feel, and say what you need. Both of you will sleep better knowing your communication is clear!
Which one is better?
If you have been reading up to this point then I’m going to let you decide. It is such a personal choice and one that is couple-specific. I do ask that you talk to your partner and decide together and do what works best for your unique situation.
Let me know what you think about this!
Summer Travel
How has your summer been? Any travel that you’ve had that you enjoyed? I had the opportunity to travel alone with my husband this summer and it was long overdue. I say all the time that you should make time for each other. In reality, it can be really hard to do. We did it and it was magical. Here are some reasons why you should make the time to travel together!
Traveling together can be a great way to strengthen your relationship
If you’re like me, I love a plan and I like to look forward to things. Well, we planned out this trip a year in advance! Taking the time to talk about where you want to go, how long you want to stay and what you want to experience can fill those days when you just want to watch a TV show. Start brainstorming and start dreaming of where you want to travel together.
Sharing new experiences and creating memories can bring you closer as a couple
I can safely say that we will be talking about this trip for a long time. We did so many cool things and had so many memories that I didn’t know that I wanted to do that I will be looking at our pictures when our life gets stressful or I just need a break. To relieve the moment even afterward can help you feel closer to your partner after you return home.
When you travel together, you have the opportunity to navigate new environments and situations as a team, which can help build trust and communication skills
Can travel be stressful? Yep, it can, but in those times, you learn how to be a better couple because you are working on your listening skills, coping skills, and your ability to just laugh things off which is needed at times. Stressful times are challenging and how you navigate them can definitely shed some light on how you work as a couple. I recommended to everyone that they talk about it and work on establishing better communication if things don’t go as planned. Always room for improvement right?
Taking a break from your daily routine and spending quality time together can help reignite the spark in your relationship.
Should you need to take a break, who better to do it with than your significant other. Enjoy each other, remember what you fell in love with, and create new memories to keep that spark alive!
Getting Past Infidelity Triggers
Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can be a jarring experience, regardless of if the infidelity was emotional or sexual, one time or repeat. Similarly, experiencing infidelity second-hand as a child or close friend can cause shockwaves.
But the truth remains that every person brings expectations to a relationship. When communicated, these expectations become boundaries. Violated boundaries and dashed expectations elicit a painful response that strikes from the core of your need for security and partnership. It shouldn’t be surprising that this can be imprinted as trauma.
Trauma is often triggered or set off by events, smells, situations, people, etc., that remind you of elements of infidelity. Your triggers may sabotage relationships or successes in your life.
And still, knowing all of this doesn’t get to the heart of why you’re here. How does one get past the triggers of infidelity?
Be Gentle
Before you go into fix-it mode, find yourself a moment of self-compassion. Self-compassion exercises allow you to speak kindly to yourself in moments of vulnerability. Many of these exercises are meditative and help to soothe fear responses. Try a few of Kristen Neff’s meditations at https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations
Grieve
Your infidelity triggers may show up in lifetimes past the event or directly after a violation. Allow yourself to be curious about what comes up. Grieving and authentically allowing the associated feelings to pass is a way of acknowledging your triggers. Common displays of grief show up as:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Journal the process
Journaling is an excellent way of clarifying what your triggers may be. By writing down your experiences, you may find patterns of triggers. This exploration allows you to renegotiate your boundaries with others around you. Journaling also allows you to tell or retell a narrative from a more helpful perspective.
Lean on Friends
Your support system is going to be comprised of many different people. Choose your core group wisely. It may be second nature to explain your triggers to others but try to find 2 or 3 people you can lean on. This way, you’re more likely to be supported and understood than having your feelings brushed to the side.
Deep Breathing
Deep breathing actually works. It triggers your vagal nerve, the nerve responsible for activating relaxation and digestion. This nerve runs from your face through your internal organs, digestive tract, and bladder. To massage this nerve, deep breathing needs to be low and slow.
Here’s how to do it:
- Set aside time to practice breathing.
- Place one hand on your chest and the other on or below your belly button.
- Breathe slowly and deeply through your nose, ensuring your belly button rises and your chest stays still.
- Hold your breath for a few seconds.
- Slowly exhale through your mouth.
- Visualize your belly button moving back towards your spine and slightly up towards your stomach.
- Repeat steps 3-5.
You can do this exercise as often as you need to. Just 10 minutes of deep breathing can help you relax, reduce stress, and improve your overall well-being.
Group Support
Support groups are great ways to increase your understanding of infidelity-related triggers. There is no better way to gain perspective than listening to others going through similar situations.
And finally, enlist the support of a licensed therapist, mental health counselor, or clinical social worker. Moving through infidelity triggers can impact all areas of life. Look for therapists with a trauma background or those who specialize in infidelity. Call us today to schedule a consultation for affair recovery and learn about our practice. Your time and healing journey are worth the professional insight.