Our early relationships with caregivers shape our attachment style — our expectations for how relationships work. If your childhood needs weren’t fully met, you may have developed an insecure attachment style that sabotages your adult relationships. These childhood experiences shape how we view relationships, forming the internal working models of attachment we carry into adulthood. When your childhood needs for love, nurturing, and security are unmet, building healthy relationships as an adult can be difficult. Here is how our unmet childhood impacts our adult relationships.

Common Unmet Childhood Needs That Affect Relationships

Lack of Affection

Did your parents express affection openly while you were growing up? If not, you may struggle to show affection in your adult relationships. Physical touch and verbal affirmations are important for development, and their lack can affect your ability to be intimate with partners. Try to express affection, even if it feels unnatural at first. With practice, it will get easier.

Feeling Unheard

Children need to feel heard and understood. If your family didn’t allow you to share your thoughts and feelings, you probably felt lonely and unimportant. As an adult, you may be reluctant to open up to others or have difficulty listening without judgment. Work on improving your communication skills through active listening and speaking your truth with compassion.

Lack of Encouragement

Our self-esteem is profoundly shaped by the encouragement we receive in childhood. If you lack cheerleaders, you may doubt yourself and your abilities. Practice positive self-talk, celebrate your wins, and look for a partner who believes in and lifts you. You deserve to feel encouraged and supported.

Unreliability

If the adults in your life were unpredictable or undependable, you likely developed an anxious attachment style. You may cling to partners, fear abandonment, or have trouble trusting that your needs will be met. Look for reliable and consistent people with whom to build secure attachments. You can heal from an unreliable past through healthy relationships and learn to trust again.

How Unmet Childhood Needs Impact Adult Relationships

Intimacy Issues

Some people don’t receive enough affection, validation, or quality time with their caregivers as kids. As adults, they may struggle to open up to romantic partners or have trouble sustaining emotional intimacy because they never learned how. Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs to your partner and ask for the intimacy and affection you’ve always wanted.

Trouble Compromising

Not having your needs met as a child can make compromising within relationships difficult. You may feel resentful when you don’t get your way or feel anxious about not controlling outcomes. Practice active listening, be willing to understand other perspectives, and find mutually agreeable solutions. Learn to speak up for yourself while also respecting your partner’s needs.

Difficulty Trusting

If your childhood needs for safety, security, and reliability weren’t met, you may have trouble trusting your partner or being vulnerable in relationships. But don’t lose hope! Make sure to date someone who proves themselves trustworthy and communicates openly. As the relationship progresses, try opening up in small ways and look for signs that sharing more of yourself is safe. With time and patience, trust can be rebuilt.

Self-Esteem Problems

Not having your needs met as a child can damage your self-esteem, making you more prone to jealousy, control issues, or codependence in relationships. Work on loving yourself, setting boundaries, and not relying on your partner for validation. Pursue your interests and accomplishments to build confidence from the inside out. Learn to feel secure on your own two feet and have healthier relationships.

While changing the past is impossible, you can shape your future. If you had unmet needs growing up resulting in an attachment disorder, the first step toward healing is recognizing the need for healing. Book an appointment with us today so we can support you on this journey.