Your partner has been staying late at work for the last few months. You oversee a text message from their coworker – thanking them for “being there for them” this week. You think nothing of it until you start to add in other clues. Your partner has been growing distant. They continue to leave early and come home late, day after day. And at the Holiday party, someone mentioned their work spouse – a term you had not registered as anything more than workplace banter. Wait, is your partner having an affair?

Emotional infidelity is tricky to spot and difficult to acknowledge. At its core, infidelity assumes intimacy, but when an affair lacks physical intimacy or sexual conduct, it becomes emotional infidelity. These affairs can be as damaging as physical affairs because they violate a sense of reality in the non-offending partner. This violation can lead to relational trauma and deep mistrust within the relationship. If the partner has previous experience with infidelity, this can be devastating, leaving little to no room to move forward.

If you’re wondering how emotional infidelity might begin, look at these situations.

Work Wife/Work Husband

Emotional infidelity may show up in close working relationships. Often, individuals who work closely together may bond over the ups and downs of their workplace or a rogue boss. An emotional affair starts when these individuals rely on one another for emotional support and non-sexual needs. This need for emotional support applies to other situations as well.

Online Relationships

Many find online relationships start as emotional, partly due to a lack of proximity or opportunity for physical relationships. In apps and online games, individuals may find the support they need in a difficult time on the other side of the screen. These online relationships are not the only friendship that can cross the line.

Close Friends

Friendships that cross the emotional boundary are not always outside of everyday life. You may find that friends become emotional stand-ins for a significant other. These relationships continue through deep connections that are not happening in primary relationships.

Signs of Emotional Infidelity

Emotional infidelity is covert and not entirely obvious. These signs may not cause concern when independent of one another. Together, however, another story is told:

1. Defensiveness when your partner is confronted.
2. Deleted texts or emails/ deleted search history.
3. Code Names in phone
4. Lying
5. Declines in intimacy.
6. Partner confides with others about your relationship.
7. Substantial time away from home & primary relationship- long nights at work, spending extra time online, etc.

The Impact of Emotional Infidelity

Infidelity can elicit a host of internalized questions about you. And yet, it likely has very little to do with you. Still, your mind may wander to your part in this. Be honest with yourself- your partner has become involved with someone else. Take time to investigate your needs. Can your current relationships continue with the emotional affair ongoing? What do you need to know or be sure of? And finally, who is your support system? You may find the help you need through a grief group or a with a mental health counselor. Even a trusted friend may speak volumes to what you’re going through. Regardless, this is a devastating experience—be gentle with yourself.

If you have yet to unpack the depths of this infidelity, enlist the help of a professional. Therapists can help you sort through your experience and provide tools to regulate your emotions. Couples counselors may even work with both of you to help reinstate the violated sense of trust. Ultimately, you must decide your next move and a good therapist will honor your choice. Reach out to us to learn more about therapy for betrayal trauma.