Hi

Happy summering from me to you!  Are you enjoying the rain storms or waiting until autumn?  I’ve lived in Florida for my entire life and I’m finding the weather to be more and more unpredictable than ever before.  I used to play and then for an hour it would rain, then play some more. Now, it’s raining all day or looking like it’s going to rain.

I’m a creature of habit and of course I try to mix things up a bit in my life now and again.  One thing I try to be consistent on is my belief that anyone that wants to work on their relationship can and should whether it’s with me or not.  So, when someone comes to me and I have the first session, I say the same thing over and over again which is, “I have the tools to help you, you’re going to have to have the willingness to accept help.”  I get a lot of “okay, sounds good” and for the most part it works. I help people or they decide that they don’t want help. I really try to think about how I can help everyone that wants help and I’ve come up with a few ideas on what I have seen work and what doesn’t work.

WHAT WORKS

• Consistency- Making your relationship a priority is the way to make it work.  When people come to me, their relationship is usually on the back burner.  To make this work, you need to commit to a certain time frame and put your relationship first.  When you don’t it doesn’t work.

• The relationship is right-  I meet a lot of really great people and they have a really great idea.  When you’re in a relationship, it’s important to hear and understand your partner’s point.  If you cannot do that, then this relationship will always be tipped in one direction. Remember the relationship is right.

• You’ve worked through your past- If you’re getting upset with your partner about things that previous partners did, then you haven’t successfully worked through your past yet and you need to do that, or at least acknowledge it.

• Emotions are okay-  If you’re going to be in a relationship, at some point you’ll need to lean on your partner for something or else that’s not really a partner.  Talking about emotions is okay and necessary to work on building trust in your relationship.

NOPE, NO WAY, THIS DOESN’T WORK

• Secrets- Nope, these don’t work in a relationship.  If you have them, you’re betraying your partner in some way.  Keeping things from your partner doesn’t help them.

• Getting stuck-  If you’re stuck on the same problem week after week, it’s hard to get unstuck.  Remember, the relationship is right, not the individual.

• Overloaded- Not sure why we do this, but when we get overloaded we tend to take things out on the ones we love.  As a couple, you get the added bonus of a partner to help you out. If you’re overloaded, that’s not going to work.

• Addictions/non-med compliant- It is really hard to love someone and watch them love something more than you and you can’t help it.  In order to be in a relationship with anyone else, you need to be okay with who you are first. If you’re addicted to anything or not taking medications the way you should, it’s time to work on yourself first, relationship second.

There’s lots of reasons counseling works and equally lots of reasons it doesn’t.  I can only help if you want to be helped. Some people do, I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful.  Some people don’t and still stay together. And some people break-up. What you get from your counseling experience is up to you.

Remember, I have the skills to help you, but I can’t force you to accept my help.

Let me know if I’ve helped or not helped and what you’d like to be different.  I’m always open to feedback and can’t wait to hear from you!