How Do You Say You’re Sorry?

I’m blessed to have 2 elementary age children who are at school for 6 hours a day. I can get stuff done, exercise and of course, work on my business.  When my children walk through the door, my world shifts and I don’t always know what I’m getting myself into when they come home.

Do You Blame?

One day last week, both of them came home screaming and crying. The first thing they do, as most kids and adults do, is they blame the other person for what they did.  They don’t take responsibility for their own actions.  Well, I sent them both to their rooms to do their homework and, most importantly, to calm down.

After about 30 minutes we talked about what had happened. I said that I wanted to hear both sides of their story and wanted to know how they felt. They were able to do it, understand that they both had played a part and were able to apologize and accept each other’s apology.

They had no idea what they were doing, but I did.  What they were doing the Aftermath of an Incident exercise by The Gottman Institute. This is the ultimate way to overcome an argument.  Lucky for you, I’m going to share the 5 steps involved.

The Five Steps to Overcome an Argument

1. Talk About Feelings

This is where you go through all the feels you felt, for example “I felt betrayed”, “I felt hurt”, “I felt unloved” and “I felt unappreciated.”

2. Talk About Your Reality

Next up is your own reality, not your partners. You need to state how you felt, what was going on for you. Your partner needs to listen and be able to repeat back what you say, preferably in their own words.  Once one of you is done, move on to the other and make sure you both feel understood.

3. Discuss Your Triggers

This is the one that’s the most important and also the hardest to understand.  When you get so upset, something inside of you is triggered that didn’t just start during this argument.

Some triggers examples: “I felt excluded”, “I felt judged”, “I felt belittled” or “I felt ignored.”

Once you figure out what your trigger is, you can then tell your partner at what time during the discussion the trigger occurred, what part was bigger than the rest and then share a story from your past about a time when this trigger was present.  Best for you to go back into your childhood because that is when they were formed.  This is a hard step to do for most and it really keeps you focused on yourself and not what your partner did to upset you.

4. Take Responsibility

This step can be challenging as well, especially if you do not believe you did anything wrong. Hopefully, after getting through the first 3 steps you are able to take responsibility. In this step you talk about what set you up for this argument.

Some examples: “I have been tired lately”, “I haven’t been a good lister” and “I haven’t shared my world with you.”

After you do this, then you say what you are sorry for and then ask for forgiveness. Yes, do ask your partner if they accept your apology.

5. Take Action

This is the final step.  All I want you to do is to take turns talking about one thing you would do differently and one thing you would like your partner to do differently.

Wrapping Up

Yes, a lot of information here and it might seem confusing. The important parts are to remember to talk from your own position, understand your triggers and take responsibility for your actions.  This is the best way to say you’re sorry.

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