So, how did you two first meet?

When couples come to me for the first time, as we get started I ask them, “So, how did you two first meet?”  This is met by a few different reactions. They do tell me but then they go straight into problem talk.  How do we focus on the big picture?

I love this question and picked it up at a Gottman training. I love seeing how people answer, if they smile, if they have different stories such as a he/said she said and how they tell it. It’s always a great reminder of all the good. Yes, we get to the bad as well, but I like to start off with the good. I like to remind couples what made them fall in love.

My second favorite question is, “How do you know she/he was the one?” I’m really looking for characteristics here and I usually get them. It takes us a while to get to when the relationship went wrong and when it does it usually involves a few major things. So when we get to that part, we realize that the parts that made you fall in love with your partner are still there, just hidden by the things that now drive you crazy.

So, how do you focus on the big picture and remember how it felt in the beginning?  Here are some tips.

1. Relook at your wedding album

These pictures are priceless and beautiful. Take the album out once in a while and maybe even put on your first dance song while looking at them.

2. Ask your partner out on dates

It feels really nice to be asked out on a date. Do it! Go out on lots of dates!!!!

3. Do your rituals of connection

If you ever talk to me in a therapy room, you’ll here about these. Here are a few examples: Say hello to each other, kiss each other goodbye, find time to talk, say goodnight to each other, stay connected.

4. One night a week, do your state of the union meeting

Again I talk about this one quite a lot.  Compliment each other, listen to each other and talk to each other about your stress.

5. Share alone time with friends/families

Yes, it’s great to connect all the time, but it’s also good to miss each other.  Stay connected while you do and it’ll be great!

Wrapping Up

All of these are about create intimacy between you both.  It makes the small stuff not such a big deal. If you’re doing intimate things, who cleans the kitchen or takes out the trash?  It just doesn’t seem as if it’s such a big deal.  Enjoy each other and remember to talk about how you met and relive that moment each and every day.