Are you listening?

Does your partner say all the time “you never listen” or “you have no idea what that even means?”  You’re there and hearing the words that someone else is saying, so doesn’t that make you a great listener?  Well, to answer your question, if your partner doesn’t think you’re a good listener then it’s time to read this and find out how to be a great listener.

Building a loving and emotionally trusting relationship is not always easy

Asking the right questions, showing empathy and making someone feel understood are skills that not all of us our taught.  In order to have a full relationship, they’re skills we need to learn.  Here it is according The Gottman Method.

Step one: Prepare yourself

1. Shift the focus away from yourself.
2. Postpone your own agenda for a while.
3. It is not about being interesting, it is about being interested in the other person
4. Tune into your partner’s world.
5. Hear your partner’s pain even if you do not agree with the details.
6. See your partner’s world from his or her perspective, not your own.

Step two: Attune

1. Ask questions.  Really listen to the answers.
2. Follow up on  the answers you get.
3. Ask open ended questions.
4. Avoid judgement.
5. Avoid giving advice until you fully understand or have been asked for it.
6. Communicate respect.
7. Communicate understanding and empathy.
8. Do Not Be
   1. Critical.
   2. Judgmental.
   3. Defensive.
   4. Engaged in a put down or superiority

Step three: Reflect back what you hear

1. Listen so your partner does not feel alone.
2. Repeat back what you hear then validate what you hear.
3. Do not offer suggestions or problem solving
4. Do not agree with the other side, stay on your partner’s side.

This is a Good Start to Becoming a Great Listener!

Later, I’ll add to this and talk about more advanced listening skills once you have the basics down.  Just remember to listen, repeat, validate and do not offer advice or try to fix the problem.  You’re on your way to becoming a great listener!