This is the biggest question I get asked when couples come to see me.  How much should I work on my relationship?  The bigger question that comes from this is “how do I work on my relationship?” 

Where Do I Start?

When I meet people, they’re usually not in a good place in their relationship, because realistically who comes to therapy when they’re happy?  I get to ask and work on relationships when they’re angry at each other.  Once we get working and we get things a bit better, I send them off to work on things on their own.  

So, how many people continue to work on their relationship after therapy is over?  I would like to think everyone but that’s not true.  For the most part, I don’t often see people again because I give them the skills to communication and the tools to resolve conflict.

Back to the Question

Back to the question at hand, how much should you work on your relationship?  I would say at least 5 hours a week. Let’s spell it out.

1. Find a time to date.  Yes. ask your partner out on a date and switch it up each week.  If the kids are in school, go for a lunch date.  If they’re not, try to get a babysitter once a week.
2. Have a conversation about each other.  Listen to your partner with emphatic ears and return the favor.  Don’t try to solve any problems, simply listen to each other every night. This is called The Stress Reducing Conversation.
3. Have rituals of connections where you greet each other and say goodbye.  Do this every day and if you forget, try again the next day.
4. Come up with conversations that don’t have anything to do with the house, kids, jobs or extended family.  Date talk!
5. Most importantly, put those phones down and look at each other.  For an hour a week or even more, declare your relationship technology free and enjoy each other’s company!

It’s really that Simple?

Yes, it is that simple and no, it isn’t that complicated.  When you feel connected, you are are more open to overlook the small stuff such as leaving shoes out or forgetting to take out the trash.  Staying connected emotionally and physically is so important to your relationship, and yes, you do need to actively make the time to do it, and yes, it is only 5 hours a week.  Enjoy each other and remember that you love each other and want to talk to each other.

Tell me how you reconnect each week? Leave a comment below!