When clients come to my office, I get tears, anger and this question “Can we recover from this?”  My answer?  Yes! Yes you can but it’s not going to be easy and there’s a lot of work that needs to be done.  Here’s the checklist that I tell my clients.

1. The affair has to be over.  There needs to be a grieving period for the affair and there is not any room for the affair if you are working on your relationship.
2. You need to be able to tell the truth and have full transparency with your partner.  I have clients tell me that this is the first time in their relationship that they are being truly honest with each other.
3. There will be sacrifices to be made, some small some big by both partners in order for this to work.  The sacrifices could be changing a job, moving to a new city or no more travel for work.  These might be temporary until trust is rebuild, but right now your relationship is your priority.
4. There needs to still be communication about household tasks and communication about children.  This needs to be established in a way that can work for both partners.
5. There will be many questions and many more questions and both partners will need to know that this will take a long time to repair and might not go as smoothly as you expect it.  For example, You go out to eat, have a great time and then there is a trigger that happens at dinner and you are in a fight about the affair.

The process is real, it does work but at the same time, it takes a lot out of both partners.  It’s okay to realize you might have setbacks and get frustrated that it looks like this will not work out for you.  I can tell you that if you want it to work, if you are willing to make the sacrifices to make it work, then it will work.  I can also tell you that if you do the work, your relationship will be better for it.  Couples that successfully work through an affair are closer, know how to communicate and have learned what trusting their partner really means.  

I’m here to listen, support and get you through this time in your life.  Yes, you can recover from an affair.

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